Down Dooby Doo Down Down
By the authority vested in Myself as Ruler of Equestria
I Princess Celestia hereby effective immediately ban the use of the vile accursed mockeries known as the Comma and the Semicolon.
Violators will be put to Desu!
“What in the—? What does that even mean?!” asked Twilight when she saw the official notice posted on Ponyville’s community bulletin board.
“Is there a problem?” Spike asked clearly unaware of the extreme upheaval this would cause within the writing world as they walked the couple hundred yards back to Golden Oaks Library.
“Of course there is!” Twilight near-screamed. “The comma is an absolutely vital component of writing. It aids in understanding language. And the semicolon is a way for smart ponies like myself to prove we’re better than the filthy rabble by showcasing its correct use.”
“So is that it?” Spike asked obviously not buying it because he did not write unless one counts dictation… except for the times when he did indeed write to Celestia independently but that isn’t important at the moment because the two reached the massive hollowed-out tree containing the library and let themselves in.
“No that’s not it!” insisted Twilight as she gesticulated wildly. “If we don’t have commas we can’t separate clauses of sentences or section off lists and that’s to say nothing of the vitality of the Canterlot Academy Comma!”
Spike was utterly confused at this point. “What the hay is the Academy Comma?”
“I’m glad you asked!” Twilight said with that air of smug superiority that made most of Ponyville secretly hate her. “The Academy Comma is the final comma before the end of a list. The major newspaper publishing firms hate it for some reason their style guide mandates leaving it out but it is vital to understanding. It keeps ‘We had a party with the fillies Big Mac and Spike’ from looking like ‘We had a party with the fillies Big Mac and Spike’. You see?”
“No I literally don’t” Spike replied. “You just wrote out those two sentences and they looked exactly the same.”
“Well of course they did!” Twilight yelled. “Princess Celestia banned the comma! I can’t use it! On penalty of Desu! And I don’t even know what that is but you know it can’t be good!”
“And you’re just going to sit there and do whatever Princess Celestia orders you to do no matter how stupid?”
“Spike you’re lucky I don’t zap you into dust right where you stand for saying that” Twilight growled as her left eye twitched involuntarily. “Princess Celestia is our ruler and greatest pony ever in fact she is beyond mere mortals like us so we are duty-bound to do whatever she says no matter how much we may disagree! Or never! I-I never disagree with the Princess!” she babbled as her pupils shrank darting side to side.
Spike sighed. “Twilight I hate to say this but you sound like an insane fanatic right now. I think it might be a good idea to go to Canterlot and just ask Princess Celestia why she made this decree.”
Twilight grumbled as she paced around the floor of the library but after several minutes realized Spike had a point. She could and probably would punish him for his insolence later.
They made their way down Ponyville’s main thoroughfare to the train station whereupon they found what could best be described as a smouldering crater that smelled like burnt raisins.
“What happened here?” Twilight asked the conductor.
“It all went down so fast…” the conductor replied. “I said my normal ‘The Friendship Express Train is eastbound for Canterlot Baltimare Fillydelphia and Manehattan’. Then it shuddered for a few seconds and exploded. I barely got out alive.”
Twilight muttered “Logic bomb.”
“That’s awful!” Spike said in stark contrast to Twilight’s annoyed scowl. “How many didn’t make it?”
“None actually the train was empty” said the conductor.
“What about the engineer?” asked Spike.
“Oh yeah him…” the conductor smacked his forehead through his fancy cap. “He’s probably somewhere.”
Out from the heart of the crater the faint voice of the engineer called out “I’m not dead! I feel fine! Think I’ll go for a walk.”
“So Twilight how are we going to get to Canterlot now?” asked Spike clearly worried and becoming increasingly annoyed.
A massive gust of wind heralding an impossibly brilliant gold light suddenly tore through the station. Once Twilight and Spike regained their bearings they found themselves face to face with Princess Celestia herself. Unusually she wore a pair of tinted sunglasses. Her mouth was lined with tiny wrinkles suggesting a great degree of frowning in recent days. Naturally Twilight immediately kowtowed. Spike refused until Twilight used a reworked levitation spell to slam him belly-first into the ground.
“Princess Celestia!” Twilight said in full suck-up mode. “What brings you to Ponyville?”
The regal ruler of Equestria slowly lolled her head as she let out a sick-sounding hiccup. “As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain…”
Then she fainted landing on what was left of the train platform with a distinctly not-regal plop. Twilight instantly began jogging in place while sweating profusely and hyperventilating. Spike rubbed his forehead as he watched the spectacle hoping Twilight would join her mentor in unconscious bliss so he could have a break for once in his life.
A loud crack signalling a break in the space between spaces coupled with a dark blue flash heralded the arrival of Princess Luna. She was also wearing sunglasses though that had more to do with her nocturnal nature making her no fan of the sun’s brightness.
Spike approached the Princess of the Night and gave a slight polite bow. Unsure of what to say he settled on a simple “Uh hi Princess Luna.”
Luna glanced at the prone form of her older sister then to Twilight who had in the intervening five seconds collapsed in a heap foam forming in the corners of her mouth.
“I did warn her.” Luna said simply.
“Warned who about what?” asked Spike utterly confused.
Luna sighed. “Last night Dear Sister was in a mood from having to deal with the antics of her new chancellor Orangeglow…”
“Isn’t that the guy who insulted Ponyville’s school newspaper?”
“Aye…” Luna confirmed. “He also accused her of spying on him with magic statues without offering a shred of evidence. After such a day she wanted to relax so she accessed the Secret Room of Secret Things.”
Spike’s eyes widened. “Sounds secret. Should you really be telling me this?”
“Cadenza sayeth thou art trustworthy.” Luna said with little enthusiasm. “That room is full of sundry junk accumulated over the centuries called ‘Secret’ only to keep nosy Nobles away. Very little of it is of much value. Discovereth she did Starswirl The Bearded’s recipe for calming tea including a pouch containing his unique blend of herbs.”
“But didn’t Starswirl die like a thousand years ago?” Spike asked.
Luna nodded. “Nine hundred seventy-two actually but close enough. The point is that although dried tea leaves and herbs can have an incredible shelf life even they are not infinite. Nothing in the universe is immortal not even Us. Dear Sister was unprepared for the chemical changes inherent in heating a centuries-old foodstuff. She hath suffered from delirium ever since.”
“So why did she ban commas and semicolons?”
Luna scratched her chin as she recollected. “Whilst under the influence she wished to pen a missive to Orangeglow and attempted to read a Style Guide that she might better contrast his poor use of our language. Alas ‘twas inconclusive about the use of the Academy Comma which she and I both support. In her confusion and anger she vaporized the Guide and attempted to ban all punctuation. I managed to convince her that full-stops and question marks were still necessary but she was quite insistent that everything else had to go for if no pony could agree on what the rules should be then perhaps there should be no rules. That was her reasoning such as it be.”
“Under penalty of Desu?” Spike asked worriedly for confirmation. Much to his horror Luna nodded.
“A terrible punishment it be indeed. But I believe upon her awakening Dear Sister will come to her senses and put an end to this madness.”
“I hope so” Spike said. “Every comma I leave out of these lines of dialogue is like a miniature dagger through my heart not to mention good taste.”
Princess Luna nodded her head in agreement. “Ancient Equestrian writing lacked punctuation or spaces of any kind. The writing also changed direction depending upon the writer. I say from experience we are greater with our evolved system.”
A few feet away the unconscious Celestia burped sending down a phalanx of abnormally cute humanoid girls not unlike the ones Spike had met in that other dimension only tinier and wearing maid outfits. They swirled around Spike and Luna locking arms and saying “Desu! Desu!” in voices so high-pitched and cute it would make even the hardiest pony or dragon want to break things. Slowly they closed in on the last two sane minds…
“STOP!!” Spike cried out to the edge of the heavens. “This is stupid! This whole thing is stupid! This is dumber than when you had the mayor throw up on Twilight! This is more idiotic than when you turned every pony in Ponyville except the mayor into an Alicorn just to belabour a point that people stopped caring about four years ago! This is even crazier than parodying an actual person and making him Prime Minister!”
“Spike?” Luna asked clearly worried for the baby dragon’s well-being.
“If you want to do a moronic literary experiment do it without me! I’m done!” he screamed as he stomped off into the great unknown.
Luna shrugged as she spoke to the vast space of the Universe. “I warned you as well did I not?”
Somewhere off in the distance a dog barked and literary reviewers tore out what was left of their hair as the world melted into a messy rainbow that eventually coalesced and congealed on the celestial floor as a sort of wet dirty beige puddle.
To those for whom this is their first exposure to my work please Read Me.
Experimental fic is experimental. In homage to the one who unintentionally inspired me to write this…
I know my stories are bad! :/ | I rushed it. 
| I swear next one will be better! :(
PS – The actual song title is "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do" by Neil Sedaka.
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On the other hand I can think of a few authors who would retroactively be lauded as geniuses of the craft plus some ponies in hospitals would instantly come out of comas but only if they were hard of hearing.
Upvoted and Ned Kelly Approved.
I'd ask what inspired this but I have a sneaking suspicion which I should not name unless say I name it Todd. Hi Todd.
I cannot use commas or punctuation so forgive me on this poor grammar oh dear princess writer author what ever shall we do?
*slow claps*
You did dun doed it just as promised. I rate two hooves up
Well, that was fun. It was a decent crack fic, for the most part internally consistent and funny, though two suggestions. The first is not to have references to your other stories, as this is a completely different type of fic and people coming just for it will lose out on a few pieces. The other is that the political jokes didn't fit, they didn't match the style of the rest and felt like shallow commentary (that no one outside the US would get, and even then, only people who follow Trump headlines), creating an awkward gap that broke the flow. Everything else was great.
crud now how am I suppose to make run on sentences while still apply some gratical tool to attempt to make my messed up thoughts sound more organized than they actually are I really will read this story it sounds like it will be fun.
Anyone else reminded of this scene?
8024557 - I promised no commas or semicolons and I delivered. I never promised effort (at least not by my usual standards).
I understand and respect your critique about the flow breaking and the provincialism towards the end thanks to the Orangeglow references but let's be honest the story was already cracking apart at the seams at that point. I merely helped it along.
EDIT: Removed commas and semicolons to keep to the spirit of my own work.
8024557
DESU UPON THE HERETIC! DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU!
What is Desu anyway?
Fun fic with a fun premise and a fun way to have fun it was certainly fun.
Now that the comma has been banned… we can use ellipses instead. It does have the side-effect of making pauses seem too long… but that is something that can be worked around.
"And when we use a "said" tag… we can put a period - or a full-stop - at the end of a quote… like this." said Silver.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Thank you so much for writing this. I have also not used a single comma in this comment to honor the spirit of the story. What? I used substitutes instead? I said I wouldn't use commas. No one said anything about substitutes!
that's pretty good/.
Crackfic writing in your eyes all the way
If I l read all of your runons would you say
I'm a girl without punctuation
I'm a girl who doesn't know
Where your clauses begin or might end
Concepts come and go they come and go
Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon
The commas go the commas go
Reading would be easy if the reader's stoplights were seen
Red gold and green red gold and green.
Don't read your endless sentences every day
And those colons oh so useful I heard you say
But semicolons are abominations
Anyone using them should be hung
And I mean the type which ends with a rope
We string them up we string them up
Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon
This might become a fad and that could be bad
The biggest non-peaches nightmare the New Column's ever seen
I have to scream I have to scream
Every story is like a waterfall
Speeding over into the crash fall
Yes I just went and rhymed fall with fall
But the other option was rival
I'm a girl without punctuation
I'm a girl who doesn't know
If this might spread to where we lose contractions
And I can do is scream Oh No
Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon,
In these bright hues I see we're screwed
Get ready for a Feature box free of the punctuation scene
Text speak foreseen I feel unclean
Estee sent me. Delightful bit of insanity this. Thank you for it I'll definitely need to check out your other work.
There was supposed to be a semicolon in that last sentence but I'm committed to staying on theme.
8024528 - All names have been changed to protect the guilty. Todd included.
8024584 - Think of the scariest torture you can imagine and then multiply it by ten. I also flagrantly violated the decree in my previous comment. Fortunately I am Desu-immune due to previous exposure to Desu.
I inadvertently came into ownership of a Suiseiseki doll IRL. She protects me from ill-intentioned desu.
8024701 - "desu" is actually a Japanese sentence particle, often linked to their equivalent of a "be" verb, sort of. It carries a level of general politeness, which is why you hear it a lot. For example, I would probably introduce myself formally by saying "Konnichi-wa. Boku/Watashi wa Suufurieru desu." (I could also leave the "desu" off if I'm not needing to be super-polite); Japanese has a bunch of different ways to say "I" and "you", all dependent on context -- it's a weird language that I don't know nearly as well as some of my friends who've actually taken the JLPT. A common way to say "What's that?" is "Nan'desu ka?"
In this story, it's a stealth reference to Rozen Maiden and more directly a product of Celestia's hopelessly Swiss-cheesed brain and doesn't really mean anything, which I think is why Twilight freaks out so much; it's a punishment little-miss-know-it-all has never heard of.
PS -- I'd also be curious about the demographics of this sites writer-base (rather than just its general users). Most Fanfic Authors Are Female, but I get the sneaking suspicion that THIS site is a major exception. As to writers, I assume I'm one of the older ones, being in my 30's, though I know at least a few are older than me.
Heh. Heheh. Wait. What about parenthesis? They aren't just for programming ya know.
8024701 "desu" or です is just a sentence ender for the simplest "X is Y" sentences. In regular speech, it is pronounced "des". However "desu" is still understood and can be heard from some kids and kawaii characters as a form of cute lisp.
EDIT: Soufriere beat me to it.
I expected a grammatically correct story that didn't use commas or semicolons. I still liked the story. Writing a grammatically correct without commas or semicolons is hard.
I reviewed this story as part of Read It Now Reviews #105.
My review can be found here.
Is desu the thing that happens when my stomach doesn't agree with what I ate and then suddenly there's moth dust everywhere? :B
Oh and Estee brought me her. She is to blame for the desu.
*sheds moth dust everywhere*
8025266 - I am, of course, disappointed in your negative verdict on my work. However, I respect your opinion.
Do note that "Comma Comma" is a significant departure from my usual work. Crackfic is a genre in which I rarely dabble.
8025305
Yeah, I read your blog post. Writing good crackfics is hard. Or at least, crackfics I appreciate - it ain't exactly my genre. PP has more of a taste for them than I do, but when someone goes out of their way to recommend one to me, I figure I should at least take a look.
No worries.
Good luck with your future writing!
And as a semicolon addict myself, Twilight's little bit about them definitely made me smirk.
I do not understand why we would even need the comma thank you. There is no real use for it especially not in dialogue.
Now Apple Bloom you know she was injured and needs to ride on Mac until they reach the house so go help your sister Jack off your bro—"
*Is shot. Without commas either.
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I look at punctuation and realize it's a pain
Cause I've been pausin and clausin so long
That even my sister knows that my mind has gone.
I aint never parsed a sentence that didn't deserve it.
Me? Write indistinctly? You know that's unheard of.
I believe that I'll stop there.
Goddammit I hate you you wonderful bastard!
Ok that took a while to get through and understand but I think I have it now. Good work.
Commas are important.
http://law.justia.com/cases/federal/appellate-courts/ca1/16-1901/16-1901-2017-03-13.html
TLDR: A missing Oxford comma decides the lawsuit.
It's kind of a relief to be reading a meta story like this wherein the grammar is frequently incorrect yet the author has managed to use that in itself as a narrative device. I've developed the ability over the years to read gramatically abhorrent pieces of writing as a skill - one that I have to use intentionally - and thereby this piece tickled that particular part of my brain in a weird way. I feel like a great man for doing what I have done reading this fic and getting to the end of it. So as they say... props.
And please forgive me I admit this comment is pretty wordy
8025461 - Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
8025761 - Stuff like this is why I wholeheartedly support the Oxford Comma and wish the AP Style Guide would burn forever in the seventh circle of hell. Twilight's rant was really me getting on my soapbox about the Oxford Comma. So was Celestia's breakdown over contradicting style guides. At least she wasn't consulting for how to do proper academic citation. I think she would have vaporized Canterlot.
8025809 - Hi. I'm the author and I thank you for the props.
I developed the same skills from years of plowing through hilariously bad fanfiction and decided to use my powers in a unique way. Could I write a story without a single comma? The answer turned out to be yes. But I felt the need to make the whole thing meta to prove that my tongue was lodged firmly in cheek.
8025461
I also totally lost it at the Weird Al moment desu
Once upon a time, I once read a pony fic that had absolutely no commas in it whatsoever. I no longer know what that fic is, but it was not some sort of joke or self-imposed challenge on the writer's part. It was as though they were making a completely unironic fic, but their comma key was broken and they did not ever notice. It bugged me to no end.
But just today I found this fic, which specifically eschews commas as part of the story for comedy value. It's quite cathartic to read this after so many years of remembering that horrible comma-less fic. So, have a fav. ^_^
My attitude when going into this story. "Huh this may prove to be an interesting read... maybe amusing."
My attitude After reading.
So much for sanity and the fourth wall.
Because of this I hereby decree this story to gain both a like and a Fav.
8027247 - I did warn you.
Thanks for the like-&-fave!
,,,,,,,;;;;;;;;;;;
Come desu me, beeeatch!
HeylookImspeakingAncientEquestrianandnoonecanstopme
8025461 I WANT THE REST OF THIS! NOW!
or sometime in the future... If that's okay with you.
Her Glorious Majesty Princess Celestia has banned Comma and Semicolon? Dear goodness we must purge all the literature we have written so far. There is only one thing to do. Book Burning!
oldmagazinearticles.com/image_files/1933-nazi-book-burning-history_444.jpg
8029142
<sigh> The things I do for you instead of my job...
As I walk through the valley where I harvest my grain
I take a look at punctuation and realize that it's a pain
Cause I've been pausin and clausin so long
That even my sister knows that my mind has gone.
I ain’t never parsed a sentence that didn't deserve it.
Me? Write indistinctly? You know that's unheard of.
You better watch what you sayin’
What you’re relayin’
Cause plain and simple rules you’re disobeyin.
I really hate to nag, but you gotta know
You won’t grow as a writer ‘til your phrases flow
Fool
I’m the OP little ponies wanna be like
With a quill in the night, writin’ odes to a streetlight
Been spending all our time
Tryin to find the words that scan and rhyme
Been spending all our time
Tryin to find the words that scan and rhyme
Keep spending all our time
Tryin to find the words that scan and rhyme
Keep spending all our time
Tryin to find the words that scan and rhyme
Look at the situation
That I am facin'
I can't live a normal life, educated to critique
So I gotta say this to the comma screams:
Use it if needed to clarify what it is you mean
I’m an editing fool with red-lining on my mind
Got a pen in my field and a gleam in my eye
I’m an angry proofreader, a mad troll beater,
Cross words with me, and you’ll be a bleeder.
Fool,
Death ain’t nothing but a typo away
You gonna do what you want, you don’t care what I say.
You’ve got 5 upvotes, will you ever get more?
The way you are writing I don’t know.
Why, oh why, won’t my words, you heed?
The things you write hurt my brain to read.
Been spending all our time
Tryin to find the words that scan and rhyme
Been spending all our time
Tryin to find the words that scan and rhyme
Keep spending all our time
Tryin to find the words that scan and rhyme
Keep spending all our time
Tryin to find the words that scan and rhyme
Your similes atrocious, your metaphors are messy
Sentence after sentence, essay after essay
Everybody’s writing, but half of them ain’t readin’
Run-on after run-on, I can’t tell what they’re meanin’.
I say you gotta learn, but you don’t wanna listen.
You don’t want to hear it, the knowledge that you’re missin.
Won’t punctuate, won’t learn to spell,
Always confusing your homophones as well, fool.
8030037
It...it's beautiful.....
Have a thoroughly confused like.
I'll just leave this here. Seems appropriate.
https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/03/16/us/oxford-comma-lawsuit.html
lawbreakers beware
[youtube=60mLvBWOMb4]
8025266 Slightly disappointed with the review but eh. Thought it could have at least earned a 'note of mention' from the echelons on high for the comedic effort. While I am too saddened by the ending winding down dramatically into a "wet dirty beige puddle." It could have actually halted before the Desu screaming schoolgirls paragraph and thus have a possible next chapter continuing this off kilter saga with unscrambling Tia and calming poor Twily down, the banning of said herbal tea, any plantings of if found shall be dropped into Mt. Maud, the nearest active volcano. Then a cancelling of the anti-punctuation law followed up by some hi-jinx fixing the calamities caused by the lack of punctuation.
I'd still give this 2/5 as it stands maybe would go higher if slightly rewritten then updated.
The whole reference issue I think isn't really one at all but I must say the Prime Minister Orangeglow accusing Tia of secretly spying, trumped it for me as one for which I could not barrack. Oh balmier references have been written for sure but outside politics should not be used in MLP.
8030037 Side note if anyone does a vocalisation of A.P.ON.I.'s effort at a parody of gangsta's paradise, please link it to us, that would be brilliant, need someone to do it in Tia's voice.
8029295 No, not book burning, we aren't little Hitlers here, but utilising a truckload of Liquid Paper™ would be better than wasting all those books.
dl2jx7zfbtwvr.cloudfront.net/productlargeimages/CORR3005_2.jpg
sc01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1NvqYGFXXXXayXVXXq6xXFXXXi/200141093/HTB1NvqYGFXXXXayXVXXq6xXFXXXi.jpg
8028618 Didn't do it right
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,;,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
8037671 But I like to burn stuff
. Oh fine we will do it with your "sensible" way.
8038000 You pyro! Shouldn't complain as a kid acquired some of mum's hair spray aerosols (half full) had a nice wood coal fire burning in old milk can out back with a hole cut in it's side for access. Stuff em in top facing up and wait, you could here them go tick,tick,tick...tick......tick...........BOOM! Bottom blows out and empty can launches skyward, trying for altitude record. How no-one called the cops on me I'll never know. Eh the fun of being young and stoopid!
Needs a scene where all the characters swear and abuse each other for no reason. To truly capture the author's style, you see.
Also, where is District Attorney Pinkie Pie during all of this?
8156832 - Good points. Given how much of said author's word-barf I've endured, I should have taken such "plot elements" into account and been even more accurate to the "style". If I ever create a follow-up to this story, I believe I'll go that route.
I think Ponies Swear And Abuse Each Other For No Reason would be a fine title.
Great, now you've made me self-conscious of my own punctuation.
10 outta 10.
I fully support the desu penalty.
images2.fanpop.com/image/photos/11100000/Suiseiseki-suiseiseki-the-third-rozen-maiden-11163411-640-480.jpg
i.pinimg.com/564x/df/aa/2b/dfaa2b27cf0eed839804c3c039c5f43a--koi-kawaii-anime.jpg
Fuller review here, but in brief: as a crackfic, this nearly worked for me, but not quite. I enjoyed the gradually increasing levels of meta and there were some lovely touches for deliberate badfic -- though maybe it wasn't quite bad enough for that. One the downside, I felt like I was being hit over the head with the Canterlot Comma stuff and I just didn't laugh at the Desu thing. Feels like I wasn't quite the intended audience here!
Just reading the description makes me want to quote: "Nec Caesar supra grammaticos", -- not even Caesar is over grammarians, i. e., a ruler may not dictate the grammar rules... or punctuation, for that matter
.