• Member Since 10th Jul, 2011
  • offline last seen July 12th

Prince Colgate


E

Feeling useless, and unwanted, Luna leaves Canterlot. With the help of a cocky, yet very magical unicorn, she manages to disguise herself as a normal Unicorn. However, when she winds up in a town that's all too familiar with her, she finds that just hiding your wings doesn't hide who you really are.

Update: So I posted a new chapter. It's rather short, but it's more of just a small update to show that I've decided to finish this fic, as well as all my other cancelled fics. So yeah.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 12 )

Damn cliffhangers.
But still I enjoyed the start so far although I think that Trixies proposal to become a pair of criminals was a bit heavy.
Anyway I look forward to the next chapter.

Loved that, can't wait till the next chapter.

Good work with Trixie. I like how she's sad but still full of herself. And yeah, it was unfair - she did put a good show.:fluttershysad:

NOOOOO We need moar Trixie here. Luna\Trixie is much rarer than boring Luna\Twilight :trixieshiftleft:

1113
In fairness, Trixie/Twilight is the one that's truly worn out.

1115

Well, thats because Twixie just works so well. TwiLuna works pretty well together, yet I don't think I've seen any TriLuna yet.

It's pretty good, but I think it still needs a bit more detail across the entire narrative. (Right now I'd give it 2/3 stars.)
There are spots at times where you gloss over things entirely that could be explained.

One example is in the first chapter, you explain that Luna wants to leave and why, but it's brief and done through narration. A more up-close look at her mind during the writing of the letter, the events leading up to that letter, or the events shortly afterward (that is, her leaving the castle) would have helped story I believe.

Another example; in chapter two you had Luna go from simply thinking about whether she should be scared of the Mane Cast or not, then jumped to her looking through the telescope. You did it all in two-three sentences. Spend more time and detail there. Give descriptions of the Mane cast, even if we as fans know what they look like, the physical description you can give, those physical details, give a texture to the story that helps ground people more firmly while reading it--it gives a better sense of the setting.
Also, more details on the party itself, even if the events of the party aren't directly or immediately relevant to the larger plot, since you introduced it, you should expand on it. It doesn't have to be much, but even a few sentences dedicated to elaborating about what's happening at the party probably would have helped the story more.

Those are just two examples, there are other points throughout the story where details could be placed in to help the story setting and flow.

There are also a few grammar and spelling errors.

Seems a bit rushed, among a few other things, but not bad. Keep working at it! :3

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

CANCLED?! :applecry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry: MOAR!

It's probably difficult to even attempt to sleep in a room with Pinkie Pie in it... :pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy::pinkiecrazy::derpytongue2:

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