Love to write whatever comes to mind and enjoy Brony stuff.
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Rainbow Dash's weekend had started out great, however, after taking part in Trixie's magic show, Rainbow started acting differently. Little does the pegasus know that there was more to this change then just a random coincidence.
Story contains: Adult Foal themes, hypnosis
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Not bad, Zubric, you're off to a good start.
There are some issues I have, such as grammar issues, and I do feel that the pacing is going a little bit too fast, but for the most part, I'm enjoying it so far.
So, does this take place before or after "No Second Prances"? Because if it takes place before "No Second Prances", it would have to be tagged Alternative Universe.
7528751 Well it's before Starlight at least
7528045 Yeah ran it through Grammarly so hopefully that fixes some of the grammar issues, not fall considering i'm using free but still
I don't know if the dot is needed in the chapter title, but that might just be a personal grievance because dots killed my family.
As it stands right now, I like what you're doing. There's some mistakes, like:
But they're minor and don't distract all that much from the overall experience. I enjoyed the characterization of RD quite a bit, especially how it was contrasted by her friends. That's always a good thing.
The way you describe what happens flows quite well, but isn't perfect. One thing that stood out was after the first hypnosis, Rainbow Dash had a toy in her mouth, a few moments later, she also spat paper out. Didn't she notice that she had paper in her mouth until Pinkie pointed it out?
Then there's the last third, which read almost feverish. I think you intended to write it as confusing as possible, since that's how Dash feels, so I'm not going to comment on it. At least you got me interesting in what happened and what will happen. So, happy writing with the continuation of this project.
Love the concept. Really could use some editing, though.
7529367 perhaps in real world hypnosis sure but when your talking about what we perceive hypnosis to be able to do its perfectly accurate
7529594
This practically a documentary compared to half the hypnosis fics on fimfiction. The downplayed descriptions from Rainbow's perspective are perfect in my opinion.
7529367 Well literally had the thought of adding something about her listening to tapes before bed and having suggestion snuck in by the one behind this scheme just last night. I hope to work that in next chapter or at least explain it not instant foaling. It kind of a Bioshock 'would you kindly' thing mixed with hypnosis...yeah if this idea falls apart it is because i'm making it organically, like little pre plannning. yet i have the idea of middle and end
This is certainly going to be interesting...
Though I do hope it ends with whatever Trixie's plan is ultimately backfiring on her. Maybe not immediately, but as an overall effect of the consequences.
7531566 Well i'll figure some way of not making it cliche...I hope.
7531566
Trigger phrases aren't cliche, they're one of the most basic hypnosis tools.
7532139
And trigger get far too little recognition in stories and art for my taste.
7531641
Clichés aren't inherently bad. They usually become cliché because they are either good/popular, or at least a tried and true tactic. Only after they become a cliché do they get their bad reputation from too much mediocre and uninspired content jumping the train.
7533129
Can't argue with that logic.
I think you should add in a trigger word or phrase, to signal when Dash winds up falling into a hypnotic trance by Trixie...cause it's kinda clear when it happens and at the same time not clear.
7536276
I like when falling into trance is implicit rather than stated outright. Even Rainbow's slumping shoulders when reading the letter could have been more subtle in my opinion (sighing is a much more neutral way to indicate release of tension).
Do keep going I love your work
Looks like the hypnosis is already taking affect.
Certainly didn't expect that. Can't wait for the next chapter, though I hope Sweet Song remembered not to make Rainbow act too foalish in public or else her friends might get suspicious.
This was certainly a nice twist, I had thought that it was Trixie, but nope!
Can't wait to see the hypnosis take more of a effect on Rainbow.
Please keep going love it so far
This story is definitely off to a most intriguing start. The "Holes" in Rainbow's memory definitely make you wonder who, if not more than one pony, is behind what is beginning to happen to Dashie.
Definitely looking forward to more as you get to writing it. :)
Looking forward to the next chapter.
7604722 sorry it take nf s long been busy few weeks
7604956
It's fine, I know how it goes.
I'm one of the last people who should complain about that anyway.
will it have actual ntercourse/foreplay? It has a sex tag so that is why I ask.
7610872 No not really. i mean I ask a moderator about the breast feeding and he said 'maybe' about the sex tag so i'm not sure if i need it. but eh probably not idk.
To be honest, I really like this fic. It's got a great premise, solid execution, and the hypnosis in it is pretty creative. However, I couldn't really enjoy much of it due to the errors in spelling, grammar, and punctuation. You're doing great work - keep it up, I'd love to see more - but I'd seriously consider getting a proofreader or an editor to help you out; it's things like proper spelling and word choice that elevate a fic from merely 'good' to 'great.'
Things are about to get interesting, can't wait to see how Rainbow Dumping'll react to the newest change, and how Trixie'll be involved in this.
I like where this is going.
*...gives you a box of commas*
7611539 spelling errors? I ran it though spell check like twice ugh , and I don't got a prof reader never can find anyone willing. Thanks for the comment
7611811 Do you work with google documents? If so, I can see about maybe being your proofreader, but I should mention I can sometimes take a while to get back to you on things, especially if I'm got school work or my own fics to work on.
lol i love liking the spoon i always get to like the spoon
7612230 Oh yeah i work with GDocs, it be nice indeed
I'm really loving the story so far~ Slow transformations and gradual mind manipulations are my favorites. Keep it up~
7612337 Alright, just let me know through PM whenever you need my services.
7611811 It isn't so much spelling as it is the other things - grammar, word usage, punctuation... Things like that get better with experience, so definitely keep writing. For what it's worth, the errors don't take away too much from the story itself, and it's a great read. Keep it up!~
7613804 yeah I get the "fox grammar " comment a lot drive me nutty at times but it critism and I like getting feedback so yeah can't wait to write more
Glad to see the story continuing. Sweet Song definitely has something going on beyond hypnotizing Rainbow. What could it be...?
Looking forward to the next part.
Babyfurs... *shudders*
Oh dear, it looks the hypnosis worked too well.
I'm still hoping this plan ultimately ends up backfiring on Sweet and Trixie, somehow.
This is shaping up to be a great foal story so far I hope that it will keep on going better.
What is Rainbow referring to when she mentions "pretty colors"?
7635335 Her onesie of course.
7634860
That or Twilight finally pulled her head out of her rear and figures out that something's up.
Seriously, shouldn't she be the least bit suspicious about Trixie & RD's behavior?!
7635588 Or maybe one leads to the other.
Twilight figuring out what's going on leads to Trixie's and Sweet's plan backfiring on them.
7635706 Now THAT would be satisfying!
7635588 To be fair, it has only be one day, and her friends haven't seen her acting foalish. it only certain things that set her off.
7635788 I'm just hoping they catch on before more... irreparable damage is done to RD's mind...
You have activated my inner fangirl. Congrats.