Dark pasts haunt all. A man with such a dark past and unforgiving future, lands in the colorful land of Equestria, where he figures out the dark truths of his past and kind friendship along the way.
Is he a peaceful man, or a fire breathing demonic monster? A friendly human, or a slayer of gods and sower of destruction? Will he find peace and friendship or painful memories and cruel foes?
Aldon is ripped from his own world, in the most controversial way: death. He is tasked with helping and protecting the new world he lands in, but will he be seen as a monster or friend?
Original character and his background and story is mine, but MLP and such is property of respected authors and affiliates.
Chapters (25)
By the gods I love this story already, you are good at this!!
7393654 Thanks. I hope it will be getting better.
7393754 if it gets better I'll probably have heart attack, it's already very good, you've developed your characters personalities flawlessly, and you have gone into great detail on the surrounding areas that they are in, and what they think and feel, it couldn't get any better!!!
Whelp, raritys here, everyone run, RRRUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
Ohhhhhhhh, and he's a guard now, so it's time for justice!!!
cool chapter
of*, this typo kinda threw me off, so I figured I'd point it out.
Also, don't worry about not having the strongest chapters for every chapter. Not everything has to be exciting and bloody all the time, you need time to develop the story, and you're doing an alright job so far.
7423758 Oh, yeah thanks, that does look a little odd.
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
7428021 Rusty. Hammerhoof is like an old drill sergeant, who's seen a gruesome past. Aldon's voice would be slightly lighter, but still have the flem in his throat.
Or you could think of rough gladiator voices, or things of such. Bottom line is, they don't sound like innocent children; the whole concept of their voice is up to you though. I merely just say it in my own words.
awww i hate cliff hangers but this was a grate chapter
oh my god i want the next chapter im so excited for it
... really? You made THAT reference? ... im dissapointed in you. But i stull have hopes for the story.
7466252 I actually don't know what reference you're talking about.
No romance tag. Not reading this.
7469405 Cool for you I suppose. I mix and match as I go(I don't like different species sex; I just find it weird and it is impossible so....) I might give Hammerhoof a relationship though, he could use one.
That was epic :D
I personally hate stories where the main character goes around with inhibitors placed by princesses it makes you vulnerable to attacks by enemies at range I would actually torture them and make them take it off then kill celestia and Luna anyway if they did so to me with no hesitation at all
7512304 I dislike it too. Just keep reading.
7512412 You gonna carry on with this?
7555326 Down the Line
Raridon.
You have my attention...
Holy throne...
I think the chapter name speaks for me here except I would add "the hell just" between what and happened.
I enjoy reading your story this far, only concern i have is that you have on more than one occasion written the same thing twise. I dont realy mind that much since i am a dyslectic myself, and not that much of a grammar nazi either, maby proofread a bit more thoroughly.
"Honestly Aldon was still trying to remember how he was in this particular bed in this particular bed and where this particular bed was."
Just an example on what i have seen, keep up the good work though
7617918 Please, by all means point them out. I miss repeats all the time in longer writing.
This could use some work. For example, you could change the intro to be easier to read. Right now you have a run-on sentence as the first thing people read of your story. You also spelled "cattle" wrong. It also doesn't make sense to name so many characters when they're going to be immediately dropped from the story. I think there were maybe nine(?) 'throw away' characters, when you only need maybe three disposable characters; Two companions, and the target. This way, there's less for the reader to keep track of and you have enough characters to fill the 'warlock and two paladin siblings are off to catch a rogue paladin' scenario. It's also believable that the three paladins are under orders to dispose of the warlock (the main character) with a trap. Remember, this whole thing is just a plot device to get the main character to equestria.
If you were trying to do what I suggested already, please try to make your chapter easier to follow.
You asked what I thought and this is it for the first chapter.
Just general grammar errors, and a few missing words for this chapter. You might want to give it a look through later. Maybe find an editor.
More grammar mistakes. You didn't need to have to have the wizard friend in the first chapter/prologue. You could have just said "My wizard friend, Esc-something(I can't remember the name, sorry), would know why my magic isn't working!", or something to this effect.
Some spelling and grammar errors are in this chapter. It might be best to reword some sentences so the story flows smoother. I also don't remember who the friend mentioned in this chapter is.
More spelling mistakes and grammar errors.
More grammar and spelling mistakes. Otherwise, the story is fine so far.
7618448 Point them out so I don't make more mistakes, it would be appreciated.
Spelling and grammar again. Google docs would probably help with that, what with the white squiggly lines for grammar errors and red squiggly lines for spelling errors.
Spelling and grammar again.
Spelling and grammar again. I have to go do something. I'll get back to reading through your story in a little while.
grammar and spelling.
I don't remember any spelling errors this time, so I guess just grammar.
I don't like the sound of that potion. I might have to stop reading for a while when it gets used.
You misspelled a word in the last sentence.
I saw a spelling error.
It's nearly 10pm where I live. I'll continue reading tomorrow.
There were several spelling errors in this chapter. There were only a few grammar mistakes though.
This story again. Well, it's not THE worst.
7619550 The story itself or the cliche?
7620271 Sort of a redundant question there. They're one and the same.
7622176 Meh, technically every story is a cliche.
7625900 Debatable, but you've managed to include nearly every cliche that pertains to HiE.
Rainbow of tags, check.
Unsympathetic human "OC", check.
"OC" with generic McAwesome Powers, check.
"OC" arbitrarily winding up in Equestria, check.
"OC" landing in the Everfree, check.
Grammar errors, check.
"OC" demonstrating his Awesomeness by saving canon characters in a completely random encounter, check.
Bland dialogue, check.
-----
Chapter Three was as far as I could go. The predictable line of events really killed any immersion left from the beginning and the power fantasy stomped what was left. I wish I had suggestions for improvement, but barring scrapping the entire thing, it just doesn't stand out from the legion of similar stories made with the exact same formula.
7629415 Well, true on everything, but well, a fanfic will be a fanfic. Although, he's not unsympathetic (he gets better on that front later on). I will probably go back to resolve some of those issues, but for now thanks for pointing some of those things out.
What I don't understand is why the ponies would side with the gods at all. Didn't Luna see Aldon's dreams? That should mean that she knows better than to trust the gods and Luna could show Celestia what she saw.