Chapter 1
"Actually, Shining Armor is adopted."
Pinkie Pie spit out her fourth cup of coffee. She had been taking a sip every time Cadance spoke, just in case a spit-take was needed, which explained how she was already on her fourth cup ten minutes into their conversation. Pinkie drinking four cups of coffee would be believable in any context, but let us provide this meeting's context nonetheless.
It was a sunny but cold (it was always cold) day, and Cadance and Pinkie were sitting on the patio of the Trotty Birds cafe, a swank new joint in downtown Crystal Empire. (An influx of immigrants--and crystal ponies actually having sex again--meant that the downtown designation was needed, for the Crystal empire was rapidly becoming the Crystal sprawling suburban conglomerate. But I digress.) Ever since Pinkie had thrown Cadance and Shining's surprise pregnancy announcement party, the two mares had been hanging out more often. The ever enigmatic (Unless you read the book, dweeb) Cadance had slowly been opening up to Pinkie. This was unfortunate for the latter.
"Why would you tell me that?!" Pinkie rasped, her throat singed from not bothering to let her coffee cool before drinking it, which, considering how quickly coffee cools when it's 13 degrees outside, is rather telling of her impatient nature. "You know how bad I am at keeping secrets!"
Cadance smiled politely. Everything she did in fact, outside of her bedroom, seemed always to be the exemplar of poised and refined and other such adjectives of that ilk. Pinkie suspected she was trying too hard to princess, but that was none of her business. The authorial aside over, Cadance finished smiling politely and spoke, "On the contrary, Shiny and I were extremely proud of how tight lipped you were while organizing that. Twilight and your friends had no idea!"
Pinkie grumbled. "Cadance, you aren't the best at picking up social cues, are you?"
Thousands of miles away, Cheese Sandwich's left rear fetlock started itching. "Wow, my Cheesy sense is picking up irony!"
Pinkie continued. "The only way I was able to hold out that long was through the incantation of my Pinkie Promise. That whole 'cross my heart, hope to fly' thing is actually a weak spell, and without it, I would have fallen apart. Literally. Did you not notice how stressed I was?"
Cadance's ears flicked back a little. "Oh, I'm sorry! I honestly thought that was just you being you. Your behavior matched what Twilight's said of you pretty much to a T."
It was Pinkie's turn to feel a little hurt. "Well, there's more to me than just one-note hyperness, regardless of what Twilight's said. But!"--faster than Rainbow Dash on meth, she perked up again--"that's neither here nor there now. What is here though is WHAT THE HECK SHINING ARMOR IS ADOPTED?!?!?"
"Yeah, I found out a few years ago while going through the royal archives before we officially moved up here. To officially declare somepony a prince, you gotta do a bunch of paperwork, and well, I discovered his birth certificate had been doctored, and I fell into this huge conspiracy, and there were laser shark robots, and cake, and bad action tropes, and Prince Blueblood became a huge douche (Well, a huger douche than he already was, which is saying something, really), and it was a whole big mess that we only managed to keep under wraps with lots of bribe money, NDAs, and very liberal applications of the ethically questionable "Forget-me-so" spell. Really, somepony should write a book about it and call it the Cadance Conundrum.
Strangely, or perhaps because I have work in an hour and a half and want to get this thing wrapped up, Pinkie accepted this explanation as if giant Chocolate Flan*-esque conspiracies were business as usual in Equestria, instead asking "Wait, so if he's adopted, who are the real parents?
Thousands of equine-based media away, Marigold Heavenly Nostrils and Lord Splendid Humility felt a great disturbance in the Horse.
Teachable moment time! "Twilight Velvet and Nightlight are his real parents. Regardless of who birthed you, it's who raised you that matters, and the Sparkle family is his own family in all ways but blood."
"Ahhhh, that's sweet. Have you told Twilight?"
"No! Twilight can never know this. I need you to Pinkie Prom Kiss or whatever it is you call it, that you NEVER tell Twilight! Is that clear?"
"Wowzies, okay. But why can't I tell Twilight?"
Cadance blushed. "Look, don't ask me how I know this, but she... she has this weird thing about her brother. The signals are a bit mixed, but, well, I think she kind of has a crush on him. She keeps it buried pretty deep, incest being taboo and all that, but If she finds out they're not really related, she'll think it's okay."
Thousands of dimensions away, Sherclop Pones' parody senses tingled.
Pinkie looked like she had eaten too many poorly-baked muffins. "Wow, even I think that's weird. Let's talk about something else."
"Yes, let's," Cadance agreed. And the conversation drifted elsewhere.
~Some Weeks Later~
"Chrysalis and I had sex"
Pinkie Pie gagged on her chimichanga. "Really! Why do you feel the need to keep telling me these things? I had to wear a muzzle around Twilight for the next month after that so I wouldn't spill the beans about her brother. Do you know how awkward it is to be a top at a BDSM party while gagged?"
"Yes, actually."
"Oh, right, princess of sex."
"Love, actually. Sex is a powerful way to show love, but also it's just fun."
"Agreed. But you haven't answered my question: why are you sharing these things with me?"
Cadance sighed and took an overly-melancholic sip of her tea. "I feel isolated in the empire. The Crystal ponies are super skittish and prudish, and while they're slowly coming out of their shells, It's not like I can air my dirty laundry to the local tabloid rags. Can you imagine the headline? 'PRINCESS CADANCE MAKES BOMBSHELL CONFESSION: "I WAS A LESBIAN SEX SLAVE--AND LOVED IT!"'"
"Yeeesh, what do your constituents have against playing for the other team?"
Cadance raised her eyebrows. "I don't know if you mean they would be against me abetting the enemy with the love magic that powered her, or if they would be against me fucking a mare. The answer is both, by the way."
"Hmm, that's too bad. I guess Foalsom Street wasn't built in a day. But seriously, can't you tell your husband this stuff?"
"Yeah, I'm through with telling Shiny every embarrassing detail of my sex life. He's on a need to know basis now."
"Oh. I'm guessing he was pretty mad with you?"
"Oh no, not at all. After he got over the whole 'I was repeatedly raped while mind-controlled by a monster' thing, which is really dark if you think about it so let's not, he actually kept bugging me to set up a threesome with her, with the specific phrase being 'Lesbians are hot'."
Pinkie rolled her eyes. "What a stallion. You weren't down with that, were you."
Cadance bit her lip. "She's vice president of the Equestrian Swingers Club now, actually. Don't tell Celestia. I only let her in blindfolded. I don't want to start a scene."
"Wow, I did not need to know that. So what was Shining's beef then?"
"He made me take pregnancy tests for three months after that. He was like 'She probably impregnated you with her powerful changeling futa co--'"
Pinkie stuck her hoof in Cadance's mouth. "Woah woah woah, easy, Princess! We don't want the powers that be slapping a 'mature' rating on this conversation."
"Huh?"
"Nevermind. Fourth wall joke. I'll tell you when you're older."
"I'm 197."
"Okay, but this is about you telling me secrets, not the other way around. Speaking of which, can we never speak of this again?"
"Yeah, sure."
~About a Month From Now~
"My foal is an Alicorn!"
"AAAAAAAAUGHHHH!"
"Oh, right. You told me to cut back on confiding with you."
"Yes. Yes, yes, YES! That's a Tarts of a doozy! I can't keep that a secret! That's like asking Applejack to eat pears! You're not even due until... When are you due again?"
"Spring 2016."
"That's annoyingly vague. I can't hold out that long! And how do you know, anyway? She hasn't even been born yet! How can you tell she's an alicorn?!
Cadence tittered gently, still oblivious to her friend's suffering. "When you have something bouncing around your womb, you get quite familiar with it. Pinkie, if I may ask, have you ever been pregnant?"
"Noopers! I use protection!"
"Oh, well that's good, I guess. But my point is, you've never had another pony inside you like me."
"Sure I have! Why, just last night, Mr. Cake and I were--Mmmph!"
Cadance's wings flaired out, and it was her turn to shove a hoof into Pinkie's mouth. A lot of things got shoved in there, actually. "Woah, I knew my shipper's sense was tingling, but I did not need confirmation!" With her non-saliva-caked hoof, she surrepticiously pulled a chart out from her mane and drew a new line in it. "Look, you're batting three for three. That's why I trust you. Can you please not tell anypony else?"
A lightbulb gaslamp appeared above Pinkie's head. "no pony, you say, huh?"
"Uh, yeah. I doubt the griffons really care about Equestrian gossip."
"Oh, it's not the griffins I'm thinking of. I know exactly who to tell, and then I won't nearly get arrested for aggressively propositioning Chrysalis on Ponyhoof like last time."
"Pinkie, please don't make me regret confiding in you. I don't want any rumors or paparazzi flying around when I'm a cranky bitch about to give birth a few months from now."
An evil grin appeared on Pinkie's face. "Oh, I will crush the rumors and parry the paparazzi. I know the most excitable and whiny group of all, and I'll whip them into a frenzy with something even better:
"Alicorn drama."
Thousands of this running joke is a dead horses away, a ding was heard.
Dear Sethisto, do I ever have a doozy of a spoiler for you! Check the Equestria Daily inbox!
~Yours sneakily, Slinky Sense
Deleted joke: "I use protection. It's called my personality! It's 99% effective!" I cut this because it clashed with the next joke and to be honest, I would totally date Pinkie (Twilight's way out of my league) and I think most Bronies who don't mind a bit of neurosis would too.
*A rather opaque ponification of Dan Brown, with Dan becoming Flan and Brown becoming Chocolate.
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What's the word for when you outmaneuver someone at their own game before they even realize it? It's on the tip of my tongue! It would replace the word "parry" near the end of the story.
In all seriousness, thank you for this.
That is the best cover art I have ever seen on this site, kudos to you.
6887436 I'm glad you enjoyed it. I honestly bowlderized their characters. Throwing away word choice and dialogue style in pursuit of jokes. But hey people like my stuff so I'll keep writing it and this was my first non-random comedy in a while and I also wrote it in one session which I'm proud of.
6887564 I'm glad you like it. Derpibooru seems to have, too.
I guess I'm not most Bronies. I'm pretty sure Pinky'd annoy me too much.
I gave it a thumbs up when I saw the Crystal Heart Spell reference (more people need to read it), but I loved the rest of this, too!
I love, love, love it!
6895694 Thanks!
Glad you enjoy!
I still don't understand the cover art. But great story bro.
6898648 what part of a car is that, and which pony's color scheme does it have?
I hate myself for laughing so much at this!
6904129 But TBH, that would be a perfect title, wouldn't it?
6904296
Absolutely! Better than The Chrysalis Crapshoot, anyway.
6904302 Aliteration theme: the Flurry Heart Fiasco
Puzzle theme: The Flurry Heart Child-Safety Lock
6904663
6904666 welp, I think I just figured out what I'm going to title my style parody of you. :P
6904703
Oh, ghod... this is going to hurt, isn't it?
6904891 What's the worst that could happen?
6905025
...
I reviewed this story in Read It Now #72!
My review can be found here.
Wow..... I'm feeling like after reading "Dash 'n Scoots and the Wrath of the Twilight Princess" now.
You still got it in you as the most crazy author ever. This meta-humor, the commentary at the end and Pinkie's fourth wall breaking are absolutely genius. Have a fave for this one.
7546568 glad you enjoyed it! ^_^