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I thought I was the only one writing a sequel, then I noticed your story a few hours later after posting mine. I got to tell you, the foal idea is a nice touch, really does feel like a huge relief for Shining to relax and enjoy the rest of his freedom as a foal, especially with the way his life was progressing the months prior. What will the ending be like? Will it be good, sad, or maybe both? Either way, this was a pleasant read.
So far so good, can't wait for what follows next!
Also, a few spelling and spacing errors throughout the chapter, but overall, looks neat!
6725914
Damn, I can never seem to catch all of those. If you point any out I'll fix em.
Also, part 2 of this is already done. Expect it tomorrow morning. ^_^
I found a loophole. The spell says that "she" can't hurt herself, but what about other ponies? (Hint: You know who i'm talking about)
6726053 Well, In the original story, Lord Shining made it clear that she was not allowed to hurt him AND herself, but as far as I can tell, she wasn't told not to hurt anyone else.
I believe, however, she can't cause harm to Cadance or the foals, for it will cause harm to Lord Armor and to Lowly herself. After all, Cadance is Lowly's love, and she's carrying Lord Armor's foals, so she's basically in a grid lock when it comes to harming them. Same goes to Twilight and her friends, she's basically Lowly's and Lord Armor's sister and her friends are just as much his friends as Twilight's. So, she can't harm any of them, not that she ever will or could, mind you.
For the other maids and servants, maybe, but again, they work for Lord Armor, so she probably can't do harm to them without doing harm to him as well, even though Lord Armor doesn't give a crap about any of them.
I shall read this. :>
Thank freaking god, somebody made a sequel. I understand exactly what you mean about the original getting under your skin. Couldnt stop thinkong about it in horror for days afterwards.
so in the end will real shining armor reunite with cadence when she learns the truth?
6726116 For what I have seen in the original the Spell take every thing almost literally and explicitly, I don't think that the instructions allow much in the way of acting beyond what she is told. The only way that she would expend on that is the compulsion of doing. Still, the Idea of harming others is a good one but I believe that the meekness persona would prevent her from acting against others much less harming them.
With this reinterpretation of the sequel of the story has a drastic shift of tone that is more comedic that I fond... interesting that is not bad, but I see the obviousness of the writer of wanting things to go better for pore old Lowly, in which I love to she her suffer as is
. Still I hope that it will continue to be interesting to see how the story progresses on ward. Hope to see next chapter soon.
I'll tentatively follow this one, but I really need an answer to this one question to keep my interest. Is this going to be another bad end for the real Shining Armor, or is this going to be a karma-catches-up fic?
6726405
I'll just warn you now. If you are looking for Lowly to suffer... this probably won't be the fic for you. I'm just not that evil. :/
6726477 yeah i guess that so far. still i' looking forward to see more
While not as distasteful as the original it still leaves a sour feeling in my mouth.
Original had the problem where it shit hard on Mr. Armors life and had a "bad" ending and I know you're just going off of that but holy hell moly every character in this story are as dumb as horses, HA.
Can't wait till tomorrow to see the next chapter (Y)
With so many variables and conflicting commands, it will be hard to maintain any control over Pepper unless she got a sort of 'command wipe' to allow non conflicting commands to be given again.
But that would be way too suspicious, so 'Shining' will have to live with the risk until he can find a way to pin the weirder behavior on Evening.
This is the last chance the real Shining has to free himself from this terrible fate, lets hope he manages to make it work.
6727025
Hmm, I'm curious as to how they seem dumb? If you point it out, I may be able to fix the issue.
6727196
Its a hugeee personally opinion but I feel like Cadence should connect how Lowly is switching personality on a whim/order. Not sure if she met any other maids but its kinda hella weird when someone is so quick to take the role of a child even if their ruler ordered them to. Also holy moly Evening has the twitchy when hes near enchantments and its been twitchy since he met the maid and Twilight being the smarty smart she is should connect Lowly + Twitchy quick af.
6727250
Ah I see. Basically my reasoning for Cadance not realizing the issue is because she said it herself in the previous fic. She barely notices the maids anymore. For my story I made the reason because they are so quick to please her, that when they feel they fail to do so, they freak out. Hence why they think Lowly was just upset for spilling wine. Lowly acting like a filly, to Cadance right now feels no different then normal. A maid is very eager to please her princess and is doing this because she ordered it.
It may be in the back of her mind that something is a bit odd, but remember, as far as she's concerned, Shining Armor is right next to her. She has no reason to suspect the persona spell is active.
As for Evening and Twilight not realizing Lowly is the one with the enchantment, that's because it simply doesn't really come up. How many ponies do you think you'd come across with such a spell attached to them? Their first thoughts are to believe some enchanted object might be near by. Evening could think it's the Crystal Heart itself. I actually meant to have a bit of him wondering if the Crystal heart might have magical fluctuations during the day. Perhaps I'll see if I can fit that into the next chapter before I post it tomorrow...
Still reading, but one common mistake. You keep writing 'chores' as 'choirs'. A choir is a musical group.
What an amazing story so far!
I don't know who could ever downvote something like this. Anyone who took umbrage with the original should find nothing to hate here!
Solid writing all around, and a super creative solution to Lowly Servant's predicament! I just love how you refer back to all the past orders she's been given. How she tries to rationalize each and every new directive, trying desperately to fit them into the complex web of obedience she's been caught in for so long. Prioritizing some orders above others depending on whether they came from Shining, Cadance, or somepony else, and being forced to disregard those at odds with a higher command... It's no wonder she gets so confused!
I'm genuinely curious where it's going to go from here! The true happy ending would be for the imposter to be ferreted out and the real Shining Armor restored, but will that happen? I'm not so sure. I can also see the story ending with "Peppermint" becoming Evening Storm's child full-time, and him whisking her away from the torment she's endured in the Crystal Empire. That would be a bittersweet ending, though you still kind of have to feel for Cadance in that case, being stuck married to such a monster.
I guess I won't have to wait long to find out. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to reading how this plays! Great job!
6727423
Doh, I'll see if I can fix that.
6727478 Cute sequel concept, by the way. I do hope that karmatic payback is done to that maid, making her into a sex slave. Better yet, a bimbo, so she can't think her way out of her punishment, like how Shining was briefly turned into a high school one in the original fic.
6727478 Oh, and also, major loophole. As a kid, she'll likely want to draw. And she was ordered to not 'tell' the truth. But... she could draw what happened, eh? Like, picture of a maid with a thought bubble of shining, and vice versa. Along with other types of drawings to show what all happened.
6727506
If you interpret the commands the right way...
That could work.
But I don't think it would be enough to convince anyone she's Shining,
Maybe write the claim then write some things only he could possibly know?
6727527 That's possible.^^
6727529
But again, the fake Shining will know most of these things to, because he read the diary.
Though, the fact that she knew these things would at least trigger an investigation. And could lead to Shining's salvation.
We will have to wait and see.
Also, one critique. This part:
...seems misplaced to me. It's good insight into fake Shining Armor's character, but it shoulders its way in right at the climax of the chapter, and it just gets in the way! At this point, we're super anxious to know how the antagonist is going to react to seeing pint-sized Lowly Servant seated at the table. We're hanging off the edge of our seats! ...and then comes a big six paragraph info dump, most of which we already know (or have guessed).
The backstory's great, but this isn't the place for it. I recommend moving this to one of the earlier establishing scenes — perhaps when Shining Armor first sets out to track down Lowly Servant after she runs out on the dinner? Shining already gives a bit of introspection there, I can't help but feel like it would be much more at home in that segment.
6727536
I'll see what I can do. I wasn't that happy with it either, but it's something that had to be included I felt.
6727536
I've gone ahead and moved the text around. I do think it fits better. What do you think?
A Maid to Please fucked me up emotionally. It was so bad that I myself contemplated writing a sequel to quell the raging emotions inside my heart, demanding a good end. My idea was, however, that the extreme emotional and mental shock would break him out of the spell's hold and he would run up to Candence and tell her the whole thing and everything would be set right.
6726044 Thnk you. I feel so much better now that there is a good ending.
BUT SERIOUSLY! HOW THE FUCK DOES CADANCE NOT NOTIC THE SWITCH!? SHE'S A HORRIBLE WIFE!
I had this idea where Chrysalis rehabilitates Shining, but this is good too!
If anybody hated this part...
Then they re a sick, sadistic sshole.
Ohhhh, gosh. I feel like a hige weight just came off my shoulders. Thank you so much for this story.
Another really good chapter!
That ice cream scene... When Peppermint cries into her ice cream, and gives Twilight one last hug... So sweet!
And the foreboding, when the imposter takes her into the other room... The drama, waiting to see whether or not she would give finally give Evening his "gift..."
If I have one criticism, it's that I think Shining Armor is a little too put-together at the end of the chapter. After living for months as a slave, enduring all that psychological torture... being forced to give away her body day after day, and watch powerlessly as Cadance falls in love with somepony else, all the while never paying a second thought to the devastated maid in the corner... I rather think Shining would collapse into tears on the spot upon finally being freed of the spell. Finally having his free will restored, finally being able to speak for himself, and reflect back on the full dimensions of the horror that had been inflicted on him... that would be such an enormous emotional release, such an intense moment of combined grief, pain, and joy, I don't think he would rightly be able to string a sentence together, much less deliver a logical and well-articulated explanation of what had happened to him. Seeing him collapse into Twilight's arms and start babbling his pain would have been super feelsy.
6728270 or a typical Call of Duty player.
The upvote has been committed.
I have only one, really stupid, nit-picky little gripe.
Yes, I'm talking about the dialogue rules regarding periods and saidisms. When dealing with dialogue, the sentence is not merely about the action of speaking. One does not simply write "She said," and tack on a period because you only have a sentence fragment present. In such a situation, we have a predicate without the subject. The sign said, "Long haired freaky people need not apply." She said what? That's what the sentence is about.
So since the contents of a quotation are considered part of the "She said," sentence, she said would always be followed by a comma before initiating the quote, and when following the quote, she would not be capitalized, and the last period becomes a comma. Interrogation and exclamation points are left as normal, as the comma is implied, but the period before the quotation mark always changes.
Sorry to just dump that, but it's a little pet peeve of mind.
Still incredibly glad this is going the way it is going.
6728439 Is there really a difference?
6728476 No not at all.
6728483 Good. I have met very few nice people there.
Also, I'd be lying if I didn't say I can't wait to see the fallout from all this!
I imagine Twilight's rage at Cadance is going to be nothing short of apocalyptic. "You did WHAT to my brother?! And you left him that way for HOW long?!"
And oh, how wracked with guilt Cadance is going to be when she finds out. Twilight already put her in her place once in the first chapter, but now, to learn what she did to her own husband — on top of the foals she has growing inside her! Spiral into depression, much? Actually, I wonder if Shining and Cadance have any future left at all after this. If they do, there's gonna be some serious guilt and trust issues.
Will Canterlot become involved? What would Celestia's response be if she ever learned of this?
And of course, there's fake Shining Armor. Can't even imagine what his reaction will be when he learns the whole plan has fallen apart, or what kind of punishment will be visited upon him.
Ooooh, so much to look forward to!
Everything is coming to light... Waiting for next chapter...
This was an amazing chapter. I do hope that 'maid' gets her just come-uppance for trying to replace Shining. Already said the comeuppance I think would be good in the last chapter too.
Either way, amazing sequel you have being written here.:D
He ought to shove something pointy (and sharp perhaps) in Cadance, just to even things.
Red wedding comes to mind for some reason.. not sure why
6728635 Cadance should be wreaked by alot more than guilt
Can't wait for the next chapter.
I honestly think Shining Armor should divorce Cadence after this. Now, I know some of you will say that is harsh, but think about it. Shining Armor trusted Cadence to protect him in his vulnerable state, and she failed him. Shining Armor is going to have a very hard time trusting Cadence now, which is an important part to marriage. Can he learn to trust her again? Yes, but it is unlikely, and staying together would most likely lead to them having an unhappy, or at least uncomfortable, relationship for the rest of their lives. While you can make the argument it was a very strange set of circumstances, me personally, would always have that little nugget in the back of my mind that would refuse to completely trust Cadence after this.
6728387
I did think about the whole "trapped for a while" angle and what that might mean for when she was free.
I guess if I had to defend myself, I'm going on the idea that she's drunk on freedom and worry right now. Basically she's so relieved to be able to talk and act as she wants, that she's going a mile a minute without really thinking about it, just high on the fact that she CAN do such a thing.
She's also worried about the 'fake Shining' and might be more then a little angry and is focusing on revenge. It'll likely all catch up to her/him a bit later.
6728444
I actually forgot about that when writing. This uh, story doesn't have an editor. I've been doing it all myself, so pointing out these things helps me out a lot. I'll try to go through the story and correct these when I have time and energy. ^^;
(Just worked a ten hour work day. I kinda have neither right now)
Man, I really hope Twilight goes nuclear next chapter. Evening has just lit the fuse on the world's biggest powder keg, and I really can't wait to see it go off!
Wow, I'm not sure how I found this, but damn I like it.
THIS STORY TOUCHED MY HEART I LOVE IT