videomaster21XX
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so zecora is going to be he male?
6937573 I guess the Zecora tag may be misleading. I do not plan on having her join in on sexy times. Writing her dialogue is a nightmare. >_<
can't wait to see the east of the story
I like the concept already. I can only hope Ms. Cake stays a lady.
6938800 What do you mean? Cup Cake was always a mare! XD
Looking at the character tags is hilarious! It looks like the Cakes are mad at Zecora the way the tags are positioned.
If I could give some friendly advice, I noticed that your grammar and punctuation is rather spotty in places, mostly to do with erroneous or missing punctuation. I'd recommend finding an editor for that.
Also, as hawt as that pic of Cup Cake undoubtedly is, you should really do away with it and put in a proper description instead. You're telling a story with words, not pictures.
Welp Carrot, you should have stuck your dick in that while you still had it.
Now I'm loving the premise, it's creative yet so simple. While this is comedy tagged I hope that Carrot at some point chooses to ask some very prevalent and serious questions. I mean, he just found out his wife has been eyeing, no, WANTING mares. Has she always been bi? Why didn't she tell him? Did this happen after he met her? Did this happen after their MARRIAGE? Has being with him slowly turned her off toward stallions?! Does she think of pinkie when they have SEX!?
I think he's probably asking himself all of these at once and more.
I'm definitely looking forward to the next bit with this story.
6939241
I certainly agree with the editor bit. I know I still make certain mistakes. Heck if anyone is interested, please send a message.
However the second point I do not. While I agree that apparently in editing (Yes I did do some edits, sorry I didn't catch everything) there was more of a discription to Cup Cake's new form. Not sure what happened there.
I will not however be taking the picture away. It's a bonus for my readers, and well I wanted to put it in there. Gonna keep it.
I feel like swapping genders may have some... long term effects.
Yeah alright I'm interested.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Horses are one of the few placental mammals in which males don't have nipples. Might wanna change it and emphasise just how 'foreign' a feeling it truly is.
That said not a bad effort!
There are little bits where it could use a little more editing, but other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. It hit all the right buttons for me
Potions. They never work right.
Nice. But you keep spelling it "orgasim". It's "orgasm", there's no "i".
Great now I want to see that alternative threesome. See how Angel feels after having a young stallion inside her for the first time.*Gasp* See if Angel grows to enjoy anal... Kinda weird that Mrs Cake would want a bi-sexual mare if she initially thought the potion would only last a night though. Any chance of a sequel to this?
6950550
I second this notion.
6950550
6950587
I suppose if enough people clamor for it. I'm not against it, it's just this was really only meant for a little romp.
6950172
I went ahead and changed it. Thankfully I got an idea for it. What do you think?
(For anyone else, keep pointing these things out. I can't learn if you don't!)
6950516
Fixed. Weird my spell check didn't catch that.
6950192
Yeah, looks like I need an editor. Sadly I don't have one.
6951388 Well for now I'll just say it was a great choice to go with this instead of the original plan. If they both had drank the wrong vial it would've been a shared predicament, and they'd have weathered it together, but making it so that Cup Cake liked mares and it furthermore caught Carrot off guard added a sort of tension to the whole plot that spiced it up all the more. Instead of both being in a silly predicament, one is totally caught by surprise and this leads him to have mixed feelings and questions about the other. A sense of betrayal to be reconciled before they proceed, one partner clearly more distressed than the other. Not to mention I can't really get into Mrs Cake as a stallion, no thank you.
6951392
I'm liking the edit. Made Carrot's plumbing change just a Little more interesting don't ya think? His reaction is pretty spot on, as while the other changes have analogous parts, his little teats have no comparative organ.
A sequel Please?
You've got to do a sequel to this! Mr. Cake coming to terms with his (now uncertain?) sexuality, a threesome with a certain black and white friend of theirs,
it's got so much potential! I hope you decide to do it!
6953159 I'm all for the sequel, but I'd rather it be another regular stallion. There's so much potential mental conflicts. What if the stallion finds out Mr Cake doesn't actually have a sister? How would Carrot Cake react to seeing them around ponyville once he's a male again? So much potential drama.
I wonder if Zecora has realised she could get enough bits to buy the country if she sold this potion? Hot cakes would barely sell anymore compared to this!
Sequel?
6953159 I was actually thinking Zecora would offer to join the two for a moment
6974074
6953159
You really don't want me to do a sequel, because I'm sorry, it was hard enough to get Zecora's dialogue in this as it was.
I refuse to do a sex scene with her. It's not happening. >_<
6974290 That's fine by me, just a a thought
Anyhay, great story, very funny and sweet
Hmm and what would happen if 'Angel' Cake got pregnant in that week?
7118621
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a sequel idea based around that...
7118711 it would certainly be a fun and interesting read that I'd gladly read
7118711 whoa there. Youre taking this from fun clop to serious dilemma. Carrot doesnt deserve THAT much turmoil in his life. Lol.
7119295
Eh, well the story doesn't really NEED a sequel.
7141177 Well I don't wanna come off like I'm telling you what to do. It's your world to control after all. I'm just saying personally, I think after falling into this genderswap pit with no warning and then finding out he's stuck like that for a week, that getting the poor guy knocked up would be overkill. That's just my opinion, I'd rather Angel Cake and her wife have a nice, filthy romp with those two stallions and then never speak of it again, without any surprises. But if your muse urges you to do so, I have no place to gainsay.
Now this next segment is just me rambling because I'm here. Feel free to ignore this... really.
Could Angel Cake even get pregnant? Let's say from the moment she drank the vial she became a mare at day zero. Now, for her to get pregnant a stallion would have to fertilize one of her eggs, which she needs to ovulate. Now, if she's at day zero then none of the follicles in her ovaries would have undergone the hormonal cycle of a female yet and would need time to develop. A mare, when in the appropriate time of year, ovulates in a 21 day cycle meaning Angel... simply wouldn't have the time to be put in that sort of risk.
And let's say for some reason he potion made her into a mare far enough along in the cycle that she would ovulate during that one week period. Would the cakes really risk that? I'm sure the first thing coming to Angel's mind (should she agree to bedtime with some stallions) would be that she doesn't want her wife getting pregnant from some other guy, so by extension I think they'd try to take precautions on both their ends before they had some fun~.
And let's say that Angel Cake does get pregnant. Would it really matter? The effects of a drug last depending on it's half-life and the rate at which the body removes it from it's systems. Even if Angel Cake did get an egg fertilized during a careless rut with a stallion, for what reason would a fertilized egg extend the duration of the potion's effects? Her body is still going to clear it by week's end. Most likely, she'd still turn back to normal and a fertilized egg, even if she got impregnated on day 1, wouldn't be that big... at all. No obstruction to really worry about. Once his reproductive system becomes male again it'll either wind up in some obscure cavity of his pelvis or in his sperm ducts, where it can't get the nutrients it requires because the male biology doesn't have the same accommodations as the uterine wall. It would either waste away or his immune system would see it as some sort of infection and take care of it.
..... But, hell whoever really cares about this stuff. Write whatever you want. I'm sure a lot of people would actually love to see that scenario unfold despite my qualms. Don't let me rain on their parade
7141419
Heh, getting pregnant ALWAYS makes it permanent. Don't you read genderswap stories?
Though I agree it doesn't make sense if you really think about it. I could sprout theories, but I don't feel like having such a discussion in the comments to one of my stories. If I did it though, I'd explain how it happened, and why it works.
Simple thing is, I'm not really 'itching' to write a story where they have a fun threesome romp and that's it. Unless I can think of something else to add, I doubt I'll bother for a long while.
And while I will admit that I kinda have a 'thing' for pregnancy. I don't want to do it if it'll just turn everyone off of the story.
7141455
You should write what you want to, to be honest. It doesn't matter what anyone else's opinion on it is. Besides, I'm sure you'd have more fans of that stuff than you'd think.
6941305
while I wouldn't say you should take away the image, it either needs to be edited, or redone. Specifically the Eye.
While I'm not a professional art critic, there were several obvious, and rather distracting goofs.
Firstly; with the way the hair and the eye interact, it looks like the hair should be partially covering the eye over its top arch, but the hair isn't doing so, leaving the impression that it's either fallen behind the eyeball, or that she has a perfectly hidden eyestalk.
Secondly; the detail on the iris and the style of colour melding seriously contrasts with everything else which is especially jarring.
Thirdly; the eyelashes look like blocky black lines that don't follow a set pattern, more resembling a messy cross hatch running along her upper eye lid.
In total it looks like you've got a picture of a young Mrs Cake, some random manga/anime eye that suited your purposes, and just jammed them together with no thought as to layers, contrast, or melding.
All that said, story's very good, just that picture hits the uncanny valley of "What's wrong with your face?".
7392129
I didn't draw it, I didn't commission it. It was just a picture I had and decided to add it to the story as it was what I decided to base Young Miss Cake's look off of in the story.
Talking to me about it won't do much good. ^^;
The transformation is good. The idea of the potion is good. Choice of cover image is good.
The chapter breaks feel oddly placed to me. I feel like Carrot explaining to Cup (hmm. Phallic/yonic symbol-pair) should be where chapter 2 begins; with maybe leaving Carrot drinking to start a third.
Corrections offered without malice.
In the blurb,
you misspelled Sugarcube Corner.
supposed to be
divine
supposed to change
prove
from its style to its shine
its
Ponyville
marvelous
used to
best
its
I look kinda like Pinkie,” she said
Your dialogue tags need fixing all over, though. For instance,
ready,” Carrot commented
and
“Wait!” she cried,
as two examples.
The "day" of Valentine's Day should be capitalized.
You portray their extra-sweet love well. You did write yourself some slack with the potion's mental nudges. The tension between the surprise and the love works.
It could use a spellcheck, though.
Corrections offered without malice.
supposed to go!
than
sugarplum
role
might cause
butterflies
done yet, darling.
Equestrian World Series!
has two spaces
Looked like their sex lives from now on were about to get a lot more interesting.
A lovely little story.
Corrections offered without malice.
Ponyville
I’m not kidding, Caramel, it’s weird!
Evening Storm, she realized
blue,”
its
You know whats funny. I read this a long ass time ago and coming back to it a couple weeks after perfect pear came out, I find it funny that cup cake had her husband look like pear butter. Obviously not intentional on your part but is funny to think about none the less
8377367
It is. It'd be funny if I tried to incorporate that into a sequel. If she was always bi, I could see her being attracted to her best friend.
Given what people seem to want for the sequel though, I can't say one will come. :/
8379446
i.imgur.com/0s2oODO.gif
Pregnant or not, I wanna see that threesome. Make it happen.