- Member Since 28th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 20th, 2014
Sminka
A pony with a computer doing a thing for something. I only write with oc's, not canon ponies as I do not use the same boring personalities of canon ponies. No offense. Gtfo if that makes you mad :/
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Good improvement from chapters 1-3
4186038
Thank you!
I favorited this simply because I've always had a sort of affinity for the whole high school setting story concept. Adventures with friends, surviving the school year, dealing with the aspects of youth or perhaps bullies.
I noticed in your description you seem to have put a lot of effort into writing this story that you love, and personally I find it great you enjoy writing your story. It is because of that I want to make a few recommendations to help you.
-Spelling and grammar
You seem to have a somewhat decent writing style, but it is marred by and buried beneath spelling, grammar, and sentence structure errors. This also creates problems for readability or cause people to look at it and simply decide not to read from all the errors that are apparent.
Get a good editor willing to help you and scour clean your fanfiction. There are a number of groups for this, one of them being Looking for Editors.
-Characters
They could use a fair bit of fleshing out and defining to make them stand out from eachother. You seem to have some archtypes set out, and while this can help you along in writing their personalities, it is also somewhat limiting or could turn out generic if not handled correctly.
You have the bully, the tomboy, the prissy girl, the bookworm/ nerdy girl, the foreigner and some others.
That, and they just seems sort of... bland to me personally. That's just an opinion on them I gathered from reading. Make them stand out. Make the reader care more for them. You'll probably get this in future chapters.
What are some of their thoughts and feelings? What do they have to deal with at home or what activities do they participate in and for what reasons? Do some have pets? Do some enjoy reading often or is one perhaps struggling with some internal crisis involving becoming known in the world? Something distinct. Distinct qualities.
-Story
It seems to flow too fast at times. Slow down. Take time to describe situations and areas. I don't recall if you actually described much of the highschool or ponies at all. A sex change is a BIG thing as well. I would assume it plays a much larger part in the story or is a heavier focus as an ordeal for Trickstar. Perhaps it could feed into Trickstar's personality as well. It seemed to be played off as rather light though.
This has my interest, and I do hope it becomes a nice little slice of life high school fic with other qualities to it.
4189250
Thank you so much for your feedback, I shall use the group right now! I shall also take some notes to use with the making of the fourth chapter! I will also have the six ponies get to know each other better with some of my own made up details during the sleepover. I will try my best to release the next chapter around the next week or two as long as school doesn't get in the way.