so zecora is going to be he male?

6937573 I guess the Zecora tag may be misleading. I do not plan on having her join in on sexy times. Writing her dialogue is a nightmare. >_<

can't wait to see the east of the story

I like the concept already. I can only hope Ms. Cake stays a lady.

6938800 What do you mean? Cup Cake was always a mare! XD

Looking at the character tags is hilarious! It looks like the Cakes are mad at Zecora the way the tags are positioned.

If I could give some friendly advice, I noticed that your grammar and punctuation is rather spotty in places, mostly to do with erroneous or missing punctuation. I'd recommend finding an editor for that.

Also, as hawt as that pic of Cup Cake undoubtedly is, you should really do away with it and put in a proper description instead. You're telling a story with words, not pictures.

Welp Carrot, you should have stuck your dick in that while you still had it.

Now I'm loving the premise, it's creative yet so simple. While this is comedy tagged I hope that Carrot at some point chooses to ask some very prevalent and serious questions. I mean, he just found out his wife has been eyeing, no, WANTING mares. Has she always been bi? Why didn't she tell him? Did this happen after he met her? Did this happen after their MARRIAGE? Has being with him slowly turned her off toward stallions?! Does she think of pinkie when they have SEX!?

I think he's probably asking himself all of these at once and more.

I'm definitely looking forward to the next bit with this story.

6939241
I certainly agree with the editor bit. I know I still make certain mistakes. Heck if anyone is interested, please send a message.

However the second point I do not. While I agree that apparently in editing (Yes I did do some edits, sorry I didn't catch everything) there was more of a discription to Cup Cake's new form. Not sure what happened there.

I will not however be taking the picture away. It's a bonus for my readers, and well I wanted to put it in there. Gonna keep it.

I feel like swapping genders may have some... long term effects.

Yeah alright I'm interested.

~Skeeter The Lurker

6941305

while I wouldn't say you should take away the image, it either needs to be edited, or redone. Specifically the Eye.

While I'm not a professional art critic, there were several obvious, and rather distracting goofs.

Firstly; with the way the hair and the eye interact, it looks like the hair should be partially covering the eye over its top arch, but the hair isn't doing so, leaving the impression that it's either fallen behind the eyeball, or that she has a perfectly hidden eyestalk.

Secondly; the detail on the iris and the style of colour melding seriously contrasts with everything else which is especially jarring.

Thirdly; the eyelashes look like blocky black lines that don't follow a set pattern, more resembling a messy cross hatch running along her upper eye lid.

In total it looks like you've got a picture of a young Mrs Cake, some random manga/anime eye that suited your purposes, and just jammed them together with no thought as to layers, contrast, or melding.

All that said, story's very good, just that picture hits the uncanny valley of "What's wrong with your face?".

The transformation is good. The idea of the potion is good. Choice of cover image is good.

The chapter breaks feel oddly placed to me. I feel like Carrot explaining to Cup (hmm. Phallic/yonic symbol-pair) should be where chapter 2 begins; with maybe leaving Carrot drinking to start a third.

Corrections offered without malice.
In the blurb,

Sugercube corner this night!

you misspelled Sugarcube Corner.

suppose to be

supposed to be

devine

divine

suppose to change

supposed to change

proove

prove

from it’s style to it’s shininess

from its style to its shine

pulled it’s cork

its

ponyville

Ponyville

marvalous

marvelous

both get use to our new forms.

used to

besst

best

did it’s work.

its

I look kinda like Pinkie” She said

I look kinda like Pinkie,” she said
Your dialogue tags need fixing all over, though. For instance,

Looks like it’s ready.” Carrot commented

ready,” Carrot commented
and

“Wait!” She cried,

“Wait!” she cried,
as two examples.
The "day" of Valentine's Day should be capitalized.

This was a sweet,funny and wild start.

Some guy faved one of my stories and I dug around in his library and found you, so now I'm here. I really love the cover art to this story and it's a major reason I showed up for this one.

“This day was suppose to be perfect…”

The first sentence is a tense violation. Not good. Change to supposed.

“Please it would be no trouble at all. If it helps out a friend in the long haul.”

Buddy, you write a good Zecora. You're pretty good at writing dialogue in general. You have my interest. Though, I would have ended this with a comma to avoid the sentence fragment you followed up with. I know, I know. We all do it sometimes.

If done correctly it will shine, with a light that’s most devine.

MIsspelling. It's divine.

Carrot jerked his head back, his cheeks red..

Extra period.

This potion I give to you here, will make her however you wish for her to appear! Imagine her as a princess if you will? Her body will change till it fits the bill! Or perhaps youth is what you desire? A teenage body she can acquire!”

Ah shit. She caught me looking at some under-age poon, didn't she? Listen, I was just as fooled as everyone else by Season 1 That 70's Show Mila Kunis, okay Zecora?

The wings would work and even move, but to become a true princess is something you have to proove.”

Another misspelling on prove. You'd be well-served to go over this with Grammarly or something to grab the obvious stuff and just ignore the comma suggestions.

Some advice to avoid that strafe, I’d both stay earth ponies just to be safe.”

Bruh... Okay, you borked this pretty bad. The word you're looking for to make this work is "strife". Strafe means to rake something with gunfire. Changing the first word to strife you could go with something like this:

"Some advice to avoid that strife, stick with earth ponies to uncomplicate your life."

“The mind?” He repeated confused. She nodded.

“You can not break or bend their will,

And somewhere in Canada, Clopficsinthecomments is disappointed and can't pinpoint exactly why.

“I trust your wisdom most high, or else never would I have let you give this a try.

Ooooh, that's stepping into tryhard territory. Thing is, you need an adverb here like "highly" which breaks the rhyme. I'd scrap it if I were you and try again.

It’s not that he needed to change anything about her, but if he really could have anything he wanted, well he already knew what it was. Back when they first met she had a much longer mane, one he missed dearly. She had cut it as she found it easier to work in a kitchen with shorter hair, and he wasn’t about to tell her what to do with her body. Still, to see it again for one night, hopefully she wouldn’t have a problem.

That is commendably vanilla. What a good guy.

Of course that’s not where his fantasies ended. After meeting Pinkie’s friend Rarity, he had often admired just how well her mane appeared, from it’s style to it’s shininess. Imagining that mane on his younger wife. It was nearly enough to make ‘little carrot’ poke out. Perhaps if she acted a bit like Rarity as well? Oh he really hoped she said yes to this!

Again, commendably vanilla. This is how you get a like/dislike ratio over 30/1 on your clopfic. Good work lad.

“Isn’t that the point of this?” He replied with a laugh. “Or do you plan on turning me into a little colt?” Cup Cake quickly shook her head.

It's a little weird only getting action descriptions from the third-person limited narrator holder. Your narration doesn't have to be that rigid to conform to convention. We just have to get a description of the other character's actions filtered through the lens of the main character.

Again Carrot laughed.

I'm getting dangerously close to fully editing this thing but add a comma after Again.

Dear, if these potions can really do as you say, then I’d be honored to play any role you want. If you made me look like Pinkie, I’d do my best to act like Pinkie.

Oh shit. I want to read this story now! Now I'm imagining this complete normie wife trying to act like Pinkie to please her husband. Great story concept but I guess we'll have to do with what's been written, eh?

“I know you’d never do that with Pinkie.

Oh, I would!

“R-really?” She asked, her excitement growing. “S-still maybe I should just tell you what I have in mind-”

“Ah, tut tut!” He cried placing his own hoof on her mouth. “No, that’d ruin the surprise.”

Best wife ever award goes to...

It continued this for a few seconds before slowing it’s flashes until eventually becoming a solid green.

You're missing a couple of words to make this sentence work. Also, remove the apostrophe from 'its'. You only use that if 'it's' is a contraction of 'it is'.

Taking the vial of potion, she pulled it’s cork out

Again, remove the apostrophe. The possessive rule doesn't apply to it's.

“Looks like it’s ready.” Carrot commented as he went to grab it, only for her to snatch it away.

Comma not period. You fractured the sentence.

to a young filly just entering adulthood.

Perfect example of adding a word and losing the intended meaning. If it's a "young" filly as you say, it's surely not about to enter adulthood.

Simply devine!

Fix the spelling, my dude.

“I’m glad to hear that,” he replied softly, “to be honest I was afraid of you being upset.”

You comma spliced. Change the comma after softly to a period.

ponyville

Capitalize.

I see something wants to come out and play!”

"Someone" is more personable. It does want to come out and play, after all.

Cup Cake cooed as she took more and more of his member in her maw.

This word selection is questionable. I'd change maw to either muzzle or mouth depending on your humanization tolerances.

Was this what he’d been missing out on!?

Interrobangs in the narration are highly questionable. I can't say it's wrong but it makes me grimace.

Without even appearing as phased

I had to read this sentence a few times before I realized you were trying to say "fazed", not "phased".

“I look kinda like Pinkie” She said stunned. There were many many other things she wanted to say at this moment, but that was the only thing she managed to actually get out.

This initially confused me pretty badly too. You may want to consider doing a thing where he refers to himself as "he" before correcting himself to say "she" or simply have him refer to himself as he just to make all of this less ambiguous. You gotta spoonfeed some people, man!

“Why?” Cup Cake repeated with a giggle. “Because I’ve always dreamt about having a cute sexy little minx like you in my bed.” As she spoke she took the opportunity to rub against the new mare while giving her neck a quick little lick.

Carrot really wished that didn’t make her body feel so… eager.

Nice try but not for me. I'm going to stop right here. Maybe it gets better but playing editor got me wore out. I have my preferences of course. I'd have had Cup change into a male and wear out Carrot's poofy little tailhole with a very large cock until he-she cried for mama and based on the allure factor alone, I kinda liked the Cup Cake transformation scene. I just wish this was edited a lot more than it was.

Fair effort but it falls just short of me liking it. Shame.

10618887
So... you may have noticed that I'm not some super professional writer. I don't even have an editor as you painfully experienced. I write the story, I got over it once or twice for whatever edits I can do, and that's about it. That's the best I can do.

I'll also admit right now. Proper placement of periods, commas and the like are the bane of my damn existence. I doubt I've ever gotten them right, and try as I might, I've got a DAMN long way to go.

I do thank you for at least giving my story a shot, and thank you for the edits. I'm going to look through them and fix up what you pointed out, when I feel it's needed to be re-worked. I never get people doing that, so I actually am very grateful.

That being said though, and no offense, but you come off VERY strongly. You speak to me as if I should know better. I don't. Dude this is a fanfic on a pony site. I'm trying, but as I said. I'm no super writer. I can't even get into the damn feature box.

Buddy, you write a good Zecora. You're pretty good at writing dialogue in general. You have my interest. Though, I would have ended this with a comma to avoid the sentence fragment you followed up with. I know, I know. We all do it sometimes.

Yeah I'm pretty sure I do it all the damn time. Again this is my biggest weakness when it comes to writing in my mind. I'm sure there are a ton of other things I don't know. (I didn't exactly go to college to learn how to write better or anything. I'm just a high school education boy. What you see here is trial and error of many many years. You should see some of my earlier stuff. YIKES)

Another misspelling on prove. You'd be well-served to go over this with Grammarly or something to grab the obvious stuff and just ignore the comma suggestions.

For one. How the hell did I miss that spelling mistake with prove? For two, I had never heard of Grammarly before. Went and got it and will have to use it in the future.

Bruh... Okay, you borked this pretty bad. The word you're looking for to make this work is "strife". Strafe means to rake something with gunfire. Changing the first word to strife you could go with something like this:

"Some advice to avoid that strife, stick with earth ponies to uncomplicate your life."

That sounds good. I'm using it.

Ooooh, that's stepping into tryhard territory. Thing is, you need an adverb here like "highly" which breaks the rhyme. I'd scrap it if I were you and try again.

See this one I'm not sure I completely agree with you on. People don't tend to talk grammatically correct 100% of the time. Not even Zecora. As such I can see her saying something like this. At any rate, for now I'm just going to leave it and maybe come back to it later.

It's a little weird only getting action descriptions from the third-person limited narrator holder. Your narration doesn't have to be that rigid to conform to convention. We just have to get a description of the other character's actions filtered through the lens of the main character.

So this is the big thing of why I say I'm no great author. Because I don't really understand what you are trying to tell me here. If I'm guessing correctly, you mean for me to write it as if Carrot is seeing her do that? Instead of "Cup Cake quickly shook her head" More like: "He watched as his wife quickly shook her head" ?

Yeah sorry. I promise I'm not trying to be difficult. I just don't really get what you are trying to get across. Again, I've got a lot to learn, and a long way to go.

Oh shit. I want to read this story now! Now I'm imagining this complete normie wife trying to act like Pinkie to please her husband. Great story concept but I guess we'll have to do with what's been written, eh?

Hey I mean if you want to write it.

If I write it, it wouldn't be Cup Cake. It'd be a guy turned into a copy of Pinkie, and made to act like her. Though maybe with a bit more bimbo to her. What? What makes you think I have a future story idea that incorporates that?

You're missing a couple of words to make this sentence work. Also, remove the apostrophe from 'its'. You only use that if 'it's' is a contraction of 'it is'.

Oh I'm perfectly aware of that. Don't know why I didn't catch any of those. I have no excuse I guess.

Interrobangs in the narration are highly questionable. I can't say it's wrong but it makes me grimace.

I actually had to look up what that meant. Shame on me.
I see your point. I personally don't mind them so split on what to do here. I kinda like having them, but I suppose if enough people had a problem with them, I'd edit them out.

This initially confused me pretty badly too. You may want to consider doing a thing where he refers to himself as "he" before correcting himself to say "she" or simply have him refer to himself as he just to make all of this less ambiguous. You gotta spoonfeed some people, man!

So this one the best I can do is maybe alter the part here:

“O-ohhhhhhhhh,” she cried in an involuntary moan as her teats seemingly popped into existence. She continued to shake in both fear and panic as the burning sensation inside her finally died down, no doubt leaving her with a fully functional womb. The thought nearly made her sick.

As you can see I italicized the "She" in that sentence to indicate to the reader that from then on, she'd be referred to as a female with the female pronouns.

I can easily change it to "He, or rather she, cried in an-" If that would help.

...However...

I am NOT going to EVER do the thing where someone changes gender/sex but still refers to themselves as their original gender/sex. AKA, if you end up with a female body in one of my stories. Any pronouns describing you will be of the feminine variety. I can not STAND IT when a story has something where a guy gains a female body and it reads something like. "Carrot looked down at his breasts, cupping them in his small hands. With a gulp, he slowly reaches down and pokes at his new pussy"

Drives me up the bleeping wall, ends up a really confusing read for me, and takes me out of the story every time. I'm really sorry. I'm not here to argue gender identity or anything like that, but I can not bring myself to do that. I just want to keep it simple and refer to the female body as her/she, and the male body as he/him.

Nice try but not for me. I'm going to stop right here. Maybe it gets better but playing editor got me wore out. I have my preferences of course. I'd have have had Cup change into a male and wear out Carrot's poofy little tailhole with a very large cock until he-she cried for mama and based on the allure factor alone, I kinda liked the Cup Cake transformation scene. I just wish this was edited a lot more than it was.

Fair effort but it falls just short of me liking it. Shame.

I mean I can't blame you for liking what you like. I thank you for giving this a shot at all.

Like you have your preferences, I have my own of course. I actually originally was going to have Cup Cake become a stallion and then have them go at it, but the simple fact of the matter is, I did NOT want to turn Cup Cake into a guy. I liked having her as a female, and what I really wanted was for a stallion to be eventually brought in for a threesome. Something that the sequel is leading up to. I also know exactly how I want this all to end, and well. That's what I'm going to do.

Anyway, thanks for the edits. I've gone over and put in what I saw. I'm sure the story still needs lots of work, but I can only do what I can. Hopefully someday I'll have this all down.