Chapter 1
Spring Fever
Special thanks to my fantastic editor: MrBackpack
Spring. It brings a lot of nice things. Warm weather. Sunshine. Flowers. Brand new bouncing baby bunnies. All perfectly wonderful. But for Big Macintosh, spring just brought a whole heap of trouble.
See, after being cooped up all winter, critters tend to get a little stir-crazy, what with all their pent up energy and an uncontrollable urge to frolick in the warming weather. Now at any other time of the year, this would be no problem at all. But you see, this wasn’t any other time of year: this was spring. This was the time of year when all the ladies of the world – mares included – get frisky and ready to do what nature intended.
If you know what I mean.
Every filly, and I do mean every filly, was getting ready to make with the the birds and the bees, which meant that most colts in their right mind hunkered down and laid low, waiting for the inevitable storm to blow over. Big Macintosh was also one of these right minded ponies. But this year, he just didn’t have that option: Applejack was laid up by a last minute cold and some pony had to bring out the winter store of apples to stock up town shops, at least till planting started. Apple Bloom and Granny Smith were both willing, but the former was way too little and the latter was way way way way way way way way too old.
That meant it was up to Big Mac.
“Now remember,” Applejack sniffled, honking like an angry duck and adding to a rapidly growing mound of used tissues “you jess drop them apples off an’ get back here lickety split, yah hear? I’m too young for folk to be callin’ me Auntie Applejack jess yet.”
“Ee-yup,” had been the big workhorse’s only reply. What else needed to be said?
So it was with a wary eye up and head down low that Big Macintosh quietly plodded towards Ponyville, praying to Celestia that his trip would be a quiet one. He would soon learn that Celestia has a wicked sense of humor.
*****
“Yo Big Mac! How's it hanging?” a familiarly raspy voice called out from above. Looking up, the big red colt spotted Rainbow Dash lounging on a low hanging cloud, a secretive grin plastered all over her face as she lazily drifted down. “Got a bunch of apples there, I see,” she idly commented, giving her colorful mane a casual flick as she did. "Heading off to Ponyville?"
“Ee-yup,” Big Mac replied, slightly picking up the pace.
“And you’re just gonna… drop ‘em off in town, right?” she continued, innocently rolling her eyes while floating right along beside him.
“Ee-yup,” Big Mac replied again, speeding up once again as the fur on his neck rose in growing alarm.
“That means that once you’re done with that, you’ve got the whole day free… right?” At that, Rainbow Dash dropped right in front of the racing horse, bringing Big Mac to a skidding halt just inches from her smiling face.
“If you’ve got the time,” she grinned, her warm breath gently tickling the tip of his nose, “I could show you a few tricks I’ve been working on. Stuff that’d even have the Wonderbolts saying ‘whoa.’ You in?”
Big Mac glanced to the left. He glanced to the right. He glanced back at Rainbow Dash.
“…Nope!”
The big colt took off, swerving around the cyan pegasus and racing away as fast as his four legs could carry him. Behind him, he could clearly hear Rainbow Dash laughing as she took to the skies once more.
“Come on, Big Mac,” she called out, her playful tone sending shivers down the big colt’s spine. “I’m like, the fastest flyer in Equestria. Run all you like, but I’ll still catch you in ten seconds flat.”
Well she was certainly welcome to try. Putting on a fresh burst of speed, Big Macintosh pounded his way passed the first row of buildings that made up the outskirts of Ponyville. Unfortunately, the streets were crowded with various fillies on the prowl, and he winced as he bowled over more than a few to escape Rainbow Dash, still hot on his tail. The blue pegasus quickly drew closer, steadily gaining ground till she was almost on top of him. He couldn't get away. She was just too fast...
“Big Macintosh!” a high, urgent voice called out. “Over here! Hurry!”
Following almost by instinct, the red workhorse threw off the wagon, leaving it to spill over in the streets as he jumped through the door the voice had called from. Immediately, the entrance was shut and locked, leaving a very frustrated flyer pounding on the wood from outside.
“Oh, come on! That’s cheating!” she called out, even going so far as kicking the door with her hind legs.
“Sorry, Dashie,” the cheerful voice giggled. “Looks like you’re out of luck!”
With one last, irritated cry, Rainbow Dash flew off, leaving Big Macintosh to heave a sigh of relief.
“You okay, Big Mac?” the voice called out again. “You aren’t hurt are you?” Looking up from where he’d crashed, the eldest Apple sibling found himself staring into the smiling face of Pinkie Pie.
“Nope,” he drawled, quietly wishing she wasn’t smiling quite so widely. Or so closely.
“That’s good,” she happily chirped, bouncing away and allowing him room to stand up. “After all, I’d hate if Rainbow Dash had gotten you all… worn out.”
At these words, the hairs on his coat stood on end once more, even more so when Pinkie Pie turned to give him a very playful smile.
“Of course if you were tired, I’m sure that my extra special cupcake would get you up and going,” she grinned, bouncing steadily closer to the big colt. “It’s nice and fresh, so the inside’s still really warm and moist. Would you like to try it?”
Big Mac felt his rump hit wood. As the curly-maned filly had approached, he’d backed away till he’d finally backed himself right up against the wall. From the looks she was giving him, he wasn’t about to get away.
“Well?” she asked again, her nose almost touching his. “Are you interested, Big Macintosh?”
“…Ee-yup.”
“Really?” Pinkie Pie gasped in excitement. “Oh my gosh, this is the bestest day ever! Wait right here and don’t move: I’m gonna go to the kitchen and get the frosting!”
As soon as the perky pink pony was out of sight, the red workhorse dashed for the window and heaved it open. He felt powerful guilty about lying to Pinkie Pie like that, but he’d feel even worse if she ended up saddled with a bunch of little foals. So without a backwards look, Big Mac jumped out the window…
…and right in front of Twilight Sparkle.
*****
“Big Macintosh?” the puzzled purple pony pensively postulated. “What are you doing here?”
The farm horse froze, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. This was bad. This was really bad. Of all the fillies he could meet, he just had to run into the one with enough magical power to truss him up like a Hearts and Hooves Day gift basket.
However, his fears were slightly assuaged as Twilight gave him a reassuring smile, a friendly – and in no ways crazy nor dastardly – smile.
“Oh, I get it,” she chuckled quietly so as not to draw attention. “I guess you’re running because some ponies have been going a little crazy with… ‘spring fever.’ Am I right?”
“Ee-yup,” the large colt nodded gravely.
“Well, it doesn’t look like you’ll be able to get out here,” the little librarian replied as she peaked out of the alley. “The streets are full, and I doubt it’ll clear out for a good while yet.”
Big Macintosh sighed: he’d been afraid of that.
“You know, there is another way,” Twilight suggested, just a touch of hesitation in her voice. “I’m not sure it’ll work, but I could try and teleport you out of town.”
The eldest Apple sibling looked up at her, surprise plastered all over is usually placid face. He’d thought that all fillies had gone crazy this time of year. Was he really lucky enough to have run into not only a sane one, but one willing to help?
“There’s no need to stare,” Twilight giggled. “I’m just helping a good friend out of a tight spot. That is, if you want me to help?” she finished as a question.
Big Mac wasn’t sure he could nod his head any harder.
“Alright then,” the magical filly grinned as her horn charged with purple light. “Here… we… go!”
A brilliant flash of light blinded the red colt and he snapped his eyes shut as the radiance enveloped him. After a few moments, the light faded and he cracked his eyes open to look around.
This wasn’t home. In fact, this wasn’t even outside. Looking around, Big Mac saw twittering machines, beeping consoles, and bubbling test tubes in what looked very much like a scene from one of Apple Bloom’s sci-fi stories. You know the kind, the ones full of humans and other such nonsense.
“Oh, right,” Twilight nodded noting the colt’s confused expression. “I couldn’t make the jump all the way out to Sweet Apple Acres, so I popped into my lab back at the library.”
That made sense. After all, Twilight was a very powerful unicorn, but she was still a young filly.
“Anyways,” she continued, horn glowing again as several books came floating down from scattered shelves, “you just sit tight right there and I’ll be with you in a moment.”
That didn’t make sense. They were supposed to be getting him out of town: why were they sitting tight now? Big Mac raised a fore hoof to inquire and found that he couldn’t. In fact, he couldn’t lift any of his hooves.
It was only upon looking down that Big Mac realized he’d been strapped to a vertically raised table, strong leather straps binding each of his limbs in a spread eagle pose as a much larger strap belted around his waist. He was stuck.
“By the way, thanks for helping me out with my research,” she smiled as she clapped her hooves in delight. “You see, I’ve been doing a lot of reading on pony anatomy, but I’ve hit a wall in my studies that I just can’t overcome without some practical experimentation.”
That did not bode well.
“Now I know I’m not an expert when it comes to various male appendages,” Twilight giggled as she trotted over, “but I believe I can learn quickly by taking a very ‘hands on’ approach.” It was at this point that her smile became very, very friendly.
“So,” she breathed, her voice dropping into a husky whisper, “are you ready to get… scientific?”
“…Nope!”
*****
The sun was already by the time Big Macintosh wearily clopped into the Apple family ranch house, bits of splintered wood still tied to his hooves by the leather straps.
He almost felt bad about breaking Twilight’s specimen table thing. He almost felt bad that he’d wrecked her lab trying to get away from her. He almost felt bad that the only way he had managed to get away was by dropping a bookcase on her and escaping in the ensuing chaos. But considering what had happened next, he stopped feeling so bad.
Without magical assistance, it had taken him the better part of the day to get out of Ponyville and back to the safety of Sweet Apple Acres. Fillies of every color and cutie mark had been after him, some that he didn’t even know and some that frankly just didn’t make sense. He’d thought for sure that Bonbon and Lyra’s barn doors swung the other way, and still he’d had to jump into a creek to get away from the pair of them.
Still, everything was over with. The apples had been delivered (more or less), no pony had gotten hurt (unreasonably), and he’d made it back home safe and in one piece (probably). The post trauma stress, he could deal with later.
Kicking off the souvenirs of Twilight’s lab, the farm horse wearily trudged up the stairs to his room walked through the door. He froze.
“Why hello there,” Rarity smiled from where she reclined on his bed, batting her eyelashes, “so good of you to join us.”
The creaking of hinges behind him was the only warning he got. Spinning around, the red colt was twice stunned to see a blushing Fluttershy lock the door behind him.
“Oh, hello Big Macintosh, the demure filly smiled shyly as she pawed at the ground with a fore hoof, “Um… I was just wondering if it’s okay for us to hold you down against your will for a little bit?”
This wasn’t right. Buck it, this was just plain unfair. He’d made it home and that was supposed to be the end of it: he’d won, for Luna sake! In his dejection, Big Macintosh hardly noticed the glowing blue strands of silk bind his legs, lift them into the air, and drop him onto his bed.
“There, now isn’t that better?” Rarity giggled as she idly played with his blond mane. “You really are a lucky colt, you know, having both Fluttershy and I here to relieve you of all your… tension.” As the shy yellow filly floated through the air to join them, Rarity rolled over the big farm horse.
“Face it,” she cooed, giving him a very warm grin. “Of all the best possible things that could happen, you know this is: The. Best. Possible. Thing.”
Spring fever. It’s rough.
**********
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I predict this shall be featured
An edit shall appear any second now
Uh, well...it's not the story I was expecting, but funny none the less.
Umm isnt this the exact same plot as another story I think was called the heat or something like that.
680749
Similar premise as Joshua Andrew Talon's Beating the Heat. Still, that one...was disturbing.
...I don't even
I'm scared to go back outside now...
680749 Beating the Heat
Even so, stories where Big Mac is getting messed with are always funny
Plus that pic had me in stitches
680759
That one was hilarious!
are you ready to get… scientific?
With god as my witness, I will use this line at some point in my life!
TF2 for the win
Um, this reminds me of that other story that made featured, that was exactly like this. Don't remember the name, but something to do with him and mares and a whole lot of funny in between while he is the only stallion in town.
680857 http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3693/Why-Didn%27t-Ah-Stay-at-Th%27-Farm%3F
Hasn't this idea been done enough?
Hope Spike does not find out big mac or Spike is burning the whole town down. Wait if girls get that way what about guys?
Ah who im I kiding guys are always horney i know i am.
680870 Yeah, thanks, that one! Yeah, this is like, exactly like that.
oh shit son shit just went dooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Big mac is SUCH a cock block. To himself.
"He soon learned that Celestia has a wicked sense of humor." Celestia
whatta troll. 
That was a pretty good story for a one-shot.
A few minor grammatical errors here and there, but it was still pretty funny.
Oh, Big Mac...how I understand you.
But seriously though, nice fic. I laughed my plot off. You've won my favorite.
The. Best. Possible. Thing.
AWW YEAH.
"puzzled purple pony pensively postulated"
Alliteration level: Epic.
680915
...but it always gets a chuckle outta me 
This concept never gets old. Lawl.
680759
Agreed. Beating the Heat started out pretty good, but it kinda jumped the shark about halfway through. And I hated its ending with a cold, mechanical fury.
This story was much more tame, but it was still quite hilarious. I love watching Big Mac dealing with problems like this.
681455 oh hey, Dalek
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This was very good J, can't wait ti'll next chapter to come, from both this and Greaves story.
Here have some random pics
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680915 NEVER!!!
Yet another great story...keep up the good work, y'know, if you want to n stuff.
This story should be featured on Equestria Daily it's so priceless, and the image picture OH BOY!
I loved the reference to "The Return of Harmony Part 2" with Fluttershy said she was going to hold Big Mac down against his will for a little bit, Fluttershy is a polite pedophile.
And as Eddy would say "ME GUSTA!"
Also Big Mac forgot to turn off his swag, too bad for him.
This was very well-written, and very amusing. Poor Big Mac. D: Or...is it lucky big mac? Hard to tell, sometimes.
This is hardly the first time I've seen this concept, but I can't really say anything bad about this story. So, good, I guess.
EPILOGUE:
"Oh Maaaaac! I found the frostiiiing!" Pinkie Pie bounced back into the room, a large jar of pink frosting balanced on her rump. "It's time for you to taste some of my sweet, sweet--" Pinkie broke off as she noticed that the stallion was no longer present. "Awww, he left." Pinkie pouted. "I guess he had to go do the thing at the place again. That seems to happen to a lot of ponies." Shrugging, Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a giant pink cupcake. "It's too bad, really," Pinkie continued as she spread the frosting on the cupcake. "I found this neat recipe for apple cinnamon cupcakes the other day, and I think he really would have liked this one." Pinkie glared critically at the finished confection. Apparently it met her standards, for she nodded in approval, and then poured the unused frosting straight out of the jar and into her mouth. "And then after that, we were gonna have sex!"
680734
Oh J!
One of my fave authors makes something I'm strangely into!
Huzzah for you!
683546
Props to you, my good man. Props to you. 
....
That. Was. Awesome!
300/10
well big mac gets double the foals then
You sir, have made a very lol-worthy fanfic. Take my thumbs! Take ma favorite!! Yes! You sir are awesome!!
You impress me yet again mister Gentleman. I'm glad I'm following you.
WELL.
Dis gon be awkward after spring fever is over.
Actually sending a stallion into a town full of mares in heat would be a VERY bad idea, not because the mares would be so... well you know, but because the stallions would be just as bad if not worse... unless he was gelded. In which case he wouldn't have to worry about foals.
signed the good dr.
I laughed, I cried, I had a ponygasm at the end.
images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2011/10/22/c35ebc63-5508-4119-ba2b-7a00ad8104af.jpg
Poor poor big Mac... even in his own room. Of course I'm wondering how he gets away from Rarity and Fluttershy... I mean... if he can get away from Twilight and her machines I'm sure he can get away from those two. But it's gonna be fun thinking of the 'how'
...Why the hell is he running?
879426
I agree. As one of the few stallions in Ponyville he should be having his choice of the fillies, since they are horses and what not. It's how they act in nature.
Step 1 go to equestria Step 2 make sure to bring a bike and troll face pic Step 3 get in equestria as a awesome strong stallion. Step 4 hide. Step 5 find a way to paste troll face somewhere on my face or bike ect. Step 6 get in bike Step 7 bike through ponyville singing troll song Step 8 remember my dream of going though Cherno on a bike in dayz. Step 9 Profit til mass rape
Bleh, woulda been much happier if he got away from all of them. The idea of any of the mane 6 actually committing rape jus squicks me out too much. I don't mind the idea of them trying but genuinely succeeding is too far for me. So far the only story of yours i've read that I didn't honestly like.
HOW COULD HE SAY "NO" TO RAINBOW DASH?! Sheesh, man.
By the way, who do I owe the credit for the Team-Pony 2 picture?
936115
For the life of me, I can't remember where I found it. Sad, because whoever did it did a really good job and seriously deserves major props.
I'll see if I can find it again.