• Published 4th Sep 2015
  • 10,662 Views, 217 Comments

Princess Celestia Plots Out The Season Finale - naturalbornderpy

After storming into Princess Celestia's personal study unannounced, Twilight Sparkle soon learns her yearly battles against the forces of evil are a little more scripted than she'd thought.

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Prologue Chapter: Princess Celestia Plots Out Twilight Sparkle

“Why won’t she leave?” Twilight Velvet asked, allowing herself another quick peak out the parted curtains. “She’s been standing out there for hours. Night Light… do you… do you think you could ask her to go away?”

Night Light stood next to her and removed her hoof from the window. “Tell the Princess of the Sun that she can’t come inside?” He shook his head. “I’d rather just pretend we’re not here until she—”


In a brilliant flash of light, Princess Celestia teleported into the center of the living room, shaking her mane from her eyes. Immediately her head shot to the couple, huddled beside the window.

“There seems to be something wrong with your doorbell, Night Light,” Celestia started warmly, “and well as your hearing and your vision. I’ve been knocking on the door for a while now and I know someone’s been peaking out the window.” She sighed softly. “But, alas, I have miraculously found my way inside and now, I think, it is time for us all to talk. So, if you’ll be so kind as to take a seat, we can get started.”

Night Light raised a hoof. “Umm… no offense, Princess, but what’s this all about? And why couldn’t this wait until morning? Is it important? Like… the fate of Equestria important?”

Celestia shook her head. “Tsk. Tsk. You should know by now that everything I do is for the betterment of our land. We all have schedules to keep and parts to play. So sit and I’ll explain.”

Hesitantly, Night Light and Twilight Velvet did as they were told, sitting side by side on the couch that sat before the coffee table. The moment she could, Twilight Velvet grabbed hold of Night Light’s hoof and whispered, “Why am I so scared?”

“Maybe because Princess Celestia just broke into my house and hasn’t told us why, yet,” Night Light told her bluntly.

Using her horn, Celestia levitated over a chair to sit on. With a smile, she gingerly placed both forelegs on her lap. “How are things?”

“They’re good, Princess. They’re fine,” Night Light answered curtly.

“And things are… moving along between you two?”

“Umm… Princess?”

Celestia absently eyed up one of her golden-plated hooves. “You’ve been seeing each other for what? Three months now?”

Nodding, Twilight Velvet said, “Yes, Princess, ever since we were both invited to the Royal Canterlot Singles Mingle at your castle. As happy as I am to have met Night Light at the event, the fact that all four hundred other attendees never came due to food poisoning still makes me wonder why you went through with the event in the first place. I mean… it only ended up being Night Light and me there.”

Celestia tilted her head. “Well, I couldn’t have had you two falling in love with someone else, now could I?”

Twilight Velvet tightened her grip on Night Light’s hoof.

“Let’s see here.” Celestia materialized a scroll out of thin air and unfurled it; a quill by her side and poised to strike. “Three weeks into a relationship. Hmm. So how far along is our bundle of joy, would you say?”

Night Light choked on spit. “Bundle of joy?”

“The foal, of course. I suspect you two consummated your relationship the first night you met. That night was, as I outlined in detail, the most romantic evening of the century thus far.”

Twilight Velvet roughly shook her head, trying to hide her eyes behind her mane. “That’s actually rather inappropriate, Princess. And no I’m not pregnant. Or anything of the sort.”

“Inappropriate?” Celestia blushed and brought a hoof to her mouth. “My deepest apologies, my dear Twilight Velvet; let’s talk about something more cheerful, then. How many times a week are you two having sex?”

Both unicorns gasped at the question—Twilight Velvet’s cheeks turning a deep red while Night Light’s eyes went as wide as dinner plates.

Night Light couldn’t even look Celestia in the eyes anymore. “Can you please tell us why you’re here, Princess? I don’t think either of us was ready for this line of questioning…”

Celestia’s good-natured smile slipped from her lips. “You mean… you two haven’t had sex yet? Not once? Not a single time? Nadda? Zip? Ziltch?”

The pair shook their heads.

Appearing on the verge of vomiting, Celestia scanned her scroll again and crossed out a half-dozen lines, muttering under her breath about pushing back construction dates and demolishing some half-finished magic school.

The Princess raised a sharp brow. “Do you two need assistance in the matter? I have books that basically explain the whole thing—pictures, too. Once you got it down, it’s honestly no big deal. One step, really. Or has the mood just not struck you yet? I have a great record collection you could borrow. You ever heard of that parasprite that sings those romantic songs? Berry Sprite?”

Night Light gulped dryly. “You see… the thing is, Princess…”

“We’re waiting until we get to know each other better,” Twilight Velvet firmly finished for him. “Sure, we’ve been on a few dates together and we do really like each other, but neither of us thinks the relationship’s worth risking by moving too fast and possibly ruining what we’ve created.”

Celestia’s mouth had edged into a deep set frown. “Well, I, for one, think you know each other fine. You both like magic. You’re both unicorns. And probably like sunsets, too. Who doesn’t? And obviously both of you like free gala events at the castle. And I’m sure you both like making your Princess and Ruler of Equestria happy and content. Oh, and I’m sure you both love not being banished to the ends of Equestria to never be heard from again.”

Twilight Velvet pursed her lips. “I think I like some of those things. Especially that last one.”

Celestia angrily pushed away from her chair and huffed at a strand of mane. “Fine. Take as long as you want. But sooner or later, I’m going to get my Twilight Sparkle from you two and she shall be eternal—shiny and sparkling.” She went to the door and opened it, taking a moment to look back at them. “But don’t forget, my star-crossed lovers, should you dare make me a stallion first, I’ll make sure he gets his ass royally handed to him each and every season finale he’s in. And opening!”

She then slammed the door on them, leaving the couple to stare at each other in wide-eyed terror.

“What did she mean by ‘season finale,’ Night Light?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know, honey.”

“Why don’t I feel in control of my life anymore?”

“Because I think we’ve both just entered a game we were never meant to fully understand.”

The silence hung in the room, until Twilight Velvet softly rested her head on Night Light’s shoulder. “Twilight Sparkle’s a nice name, though.”

He nodded and nuzzled into her. “Better than the one we thought of yesterday.”

“Which one was that again?”

“Sunset Shimmer.”

Author's Note:

All right. Now I'm done. Or not. Who knows anymore.

This idea came up in the comments and I felt compelled to write it down. Mainly for the Shining Armor bit.

Comments ( 61 )

We're playing a game we were never meant to understand.

This statement writes its own jokes.

Shining. Your life was screwed before it even began.

This has no right feeling so legit...

Yet, given what happens in the show sometimes, it makes perfect sense.


U.U... To think it was planned since that moment

I just can't imagine Barry White's voice coming out of a parasprite. Does not compute. :derpytongue2:

she shall be eternal—shiny and sparkling

And chrome?

Wait, so sunset is twilight sister?
That... Explains a lot.

How dare you make fun of Sunset Shimmer!!!:twilightangry2:

But wait, there's more!:pinkiecrazy::yay:


...wow, Celestia's really been planning this for a while now, it seems...

No wonder Shining Armor's life had been miserable; Celestia planned it out all along! :pinkiecrazy:

:twilightoops: You've been planning my life all along, princess?!
:trollestia: Yep! And Shining's definitely going to suffer in the season 5 finale, too.
:twilightoops: I-I-I have to go now....

Really channeling Aizen Sousuke from Bleach here Celestia. :trollestia:

6472830 At least a thousand years.

She seems really good at sticking her horn into everypony's plots, doesn't she?--almost literally in this case--:trollestia:

6473052 :trollestia: "I knew you'd say that."

:twilightoops: "Wait. No. Stop doing that."

:trollestia: "Wait. No. Stop doing that. I knew you'd say that. Here, it's even in the script."

:twilightangry2: "This is how Twilight Sparkle becomes evil you know!"

:trollestia: "I do know."

6472390 But I do dare! :yay:

6472327 MEDIOCRE! :trollestia:

6472256 Celestia's always been full of empty threats. Which is hard to be full of because they're empty. But she does it anyways.

6472083 Eeyup. :eeyup:

Fair disclosure: I actually haven't the slightest idea what that was even supposed to mean, I just wanted to get in on the referencing everyone's doing. :derpytongue2:

Shining can't complain too much, I guess.

I mean, dat alicorn plot/flank.

It's okay Shining... Celestia will ease out eventually...

6476566 I thought about adding a scene like that. Right after Twilight is born, Twilight Velvet and Night Light sit down and explain to Shining that his life's basically screwed because he was born first. But then they show him a picture of Cadence and tell him he gets all of that in the future.

And he's more or less okay with everything. :moustache:

le gasp! shimmy is actually twily's... DUN DUN DUN long lost twin sister!
...meh. too boring. next plot point...

Dear god.

she shall be eternal—shiny and sparkling.


What if Celestia decided to teach Twilight the ways of the troll? :pinkiecrazy:


Oh wow! That last chapter was seven different kinds of wrong!

6482734 I could image Twilight turning evil due to not being able to trust anyone and striking down Celestia in her rage. Then, when Twilight realizes what she's done and becomes normal again, a dying Celestia would smirk and tell her, "You're in charge now. Good luck." Then tip her a wink before passing on.

A true professional troll, even in death. :trollestia:

6483487 Why thank you! :pinkiehappy:

"Sunset Shimmer"

(Insert the star vs the forces of evil scene where marco claps his hands and says: "Well that brings us to the end of our tour. I'm going home now.")

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN It just so happens that the human version of shimmy died in the mirror world :pinkiesmile: is that better?

Well true, Shining does get a royal ass handed to him. a lot.

6522062 At least you let me know! Can't win em all. :twilightsmile:

6522324 Hey. But at least he gets Cadence. So it's... less painful each year. :moustache:

6529944 Thank you! :pinkiehappy: Surprised people enjoyed this so much.

What if Princess Celestia and her magic storyline plotted out every character ever? And what if, every time something goes wrong, she brutally murders everyone, and goes back to the past, effectively trimming off that part of the timeline, making it so that every single time something happens, it is carefully and meticulously plotted out, up to the point where Celestia purposefully indirectly founded Ponyville, forced a pony and a dragon to have sex to bring forth the entire draconequus race, created Changelings, and invented the Nightmare, infected her sister with it, and when everyone kept finding out, she become lazy and just brainwashed them all to think that it was all consensual and she was in full control and what am i doing I'M MAKING A CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT PONIES AAAAAHHHHHHH i think i need to see a doctor.



Translation: what my two pointer fingers happened to hit on the keyboard first. :trollestia:

6549757 Thanks! :pinkiehappy: Glad I could help.

The silence hung in the room, until Twilight Velvet softly rested her head on Night Light’s shoulder. “Twilight Sparkle’s a nice name, though.”

He nodded and nuzzled into her. “Better than the one we thought of yesterday.”

“Which one was that again?”

“Sunset Shimmer.”

Oh man! Now you're going to have to answer to Mod! Mwahahahaaaa!

This makes me wonder what Celestia has planned for the next EQG movie! I don't care if it's Princess Celestia, Principal Celestia, a collab between them, or them being one and the same.

Congrats on the 666 likes--great milestone.:trollestia::twilightoops:

Okay, so this story's been steadily climbing, so it's just happenstance to come across it :pinkiehappy:

6775937 666 likes? Time to summon something. But what? Can I summon rent money? That would be great if I could. :rainbowhuh:

6769256 Because Discord wrote it. :pinkiecrazy:


666 likes? Time to summon something. But what? Can I summon rent money? That would be great if I could. :rainbowhuh:

Sure.:pinkiehappy: Just be sure to ask that anyone, but Hastur, deliv---OHSHITAHGOTTARUN!!!:twilightoops:


6776383 I'd ruined it for the lawls cause i am a evil girl :D

Oh that was hilarious! Kind of suprised Twilight didn't tell the girls though. But I have to say, that ending. Twilight never really had a chance, did she? The game was rigged from the start.

6785030 Thank you! :pinkiehappy: Again... :unsuresweetie: (I'm not sure what else to say!)

6786345 don't worry, I only have maybe two or three of your storys left. :raritywink:

Rigged from the very start,
Played like a damn fiddle :rainbowlaugh:

6864316 Honestly, when I first released the story, I wasn't expecting anyone to like it. Thankfully, I was wrong. Glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

Your stories are comedy gold!

6904929 Thank you for saying so! :pinkiehappy:

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