Earning Her Stripes
I took the paintbrush up in my magic again, being ever so careful not to spill a drop on my exotic – and expensive! – imported Zebrican hoof-woven rug. Ready for the next stripe. I carefully, ever so carefully, slid the brush from the top of my diamond cutie mark around the front of my thigh and down the inside in a pleasing curved pattern. The thick black paint chilled me wherever it touched, making me shiver, though that might have been more in anticipation.
I was almost done, and soon I'd be able to see myself in the mirror, see myself as only I could see me, free from the pretensions and rigidities of class and propriety.
It was my darkest secret, the one I didn't dare let anypony find out about: I loved the fashion scene and high society, truly ... and yet ... Something was missing. Where was the spontaneity – real spontaneity, not the feigned conceits of the avant garde? Where was the freedom, the creativity, the wildness? There was only one place I could find those, and that was here, in my most private, most secure of places, and then only very rarely. After all, what would ponies think if they knew I liked to play dress-up as a zebra mare? That I enjoyed the wild primitivism, the noble savagery? Nopony would ever understand, especially not with it coming from somepony as outwardly sophisticated as me.
So I did it alone, locked away in the highest room of Carousel Boutique, long after closing time ... and I looked in the mirror and saw myself as I so often longed to be.
A couple more carefully drawn stripes, and I was ready. I walked to my special room's mirror, careful to not let my legs brush against one another – lest I smear the ink – and admired the fruits of my painstaking labor.
I was lucky to be white-coated. The black stripes looked perfect – absolutely perfect – in the reflection. There was nothing I could do about the mane, of course. Any dye would be far too long-lasting, and I'd end up having to explain it to customers tomorrow. It would be my undoing. My mane could, at least, cover my horn after a few expert brush strokes.
There. A zebra mare. A zebra mare who had dyed her mane purple, but a zebra nonetheless. Wild, free, totally uninhibited.
Hooves pounded on the boutique's front door, loud enough for me to hear them all the way up here. All my inhibitions were back, seven-fold! I glanced at the mirror – not a zebra mare anymore. Now a very scared and very frightened unicorn filly looked back at me, terrified that her silly game would be discovered.
My heart thudded in my chest like it was trying to escape. I wished it could. Maybe if I ignored them, they'd go away?
The banging came again, along with shouted voices. They sounded familiar; I couldn't make out the actual words, but the tone sounded a lot like Rainbow Dash. If I didn't answer the door soon, she'd be sure to ... Oh no!
I rushed over to the window and flung the curtains closed – just in time: a moment after I did, Rainbow's silhouette outlined itself against the gauzy fabric. An impatient hoof beat on my window, sending horribly loud rattling bangs through the room.
“Come on, Rarity, we know you're in there – I can see the lights!” Rainbow shouted, muffled through the window but still easily understood. “We need your help, right now!”
“I am indisposed!” I shouted back.
Somepony's voice filtered up from down below. I couldn't hear it very well, but it sounded like Twilight's.
“Rarity says that she's in his hose,” Rainbow shouted back down in response to something.
The abrupt “What?” that came back up was perfectly understood, despite the distance and the window separating us. It was followed by some more indistinct mumblings I couldn't make out.
“Come on, Rarity, this is important...”
I let silence hang, hoping Rainbow would give up. She was known for her short attention span, right?
It was a vain hope. “Rarity, augh! If you don't come down and open the door, I'm gonna break this window!”
Well, that was it. I didn't have any choice, did I? As bad as this was going to be, it would only be worse if they broke in and found me like this. Still ... the nerve of these ponies! This was my private room, in my private house, in my private home! They had no right!
The silhouette flitted back from my window. She was getting ready to ram it!
“Rainbow, stop! I'm coming down.”
The pegasus' shape skidded to a halt just in front of my windowsill, hovered there for a moment, and then dropped down out of my view, in response to more mumblings from below.
I groaned. Time to face my fear. I'd known, somewhere deep inside, that this would happen sooner or later. Maybe I wanted it to? But what did that mean about me, then?
The walk down the back stairs of the boutique seemed to take ages, longer than it ever had before. Maybe that was because I was plodding slower than I would walk to my own funeral. I couldn't stop thinking about what they would think, how they would react. There was no way I was going to get through this with my dignity intact. There was no way I was going to get through this with my life intact. I was a ruined mare. The long trod down the stairs was my last time to enjoy being the toast of high society ... and I wasn't enjoying it at all. A shame, that.
Still, even an eternity has to end sometime, and sooner than I would ever have thought possible, sooner than I would ever have wished, I was standing behind my front door and listening to the voices outside. I only heard Twilight and Rainbow, which meant it was probably only those two – with the possible addition of Fluttershy, who wouldn't be speaking if she was there – and the fact that it would be limited to just them was a kindness. Not much of a consolation, though: word would spread.
I took a deep breath ... and then another ... and then another. Finally, I reached for the doorknob, aware that any further 'preparatory' breaths would do little more than hyperventilate me.
I opened the door.
Rainbow and Twilight burst in – thank the Goddess it was only those two, not all five of them. “Rarity! We need your help right away,” Rainbow shouted as she barreled in.
Twilight trotted in behind her. “Right. The delegation's banner is totally—”
Both of them froze when they really saw me. And they stayed frozen for much too long.
I hissed a quick intake of breath. After this long of a pause, there could be no playing it off as unnoticed or no big deal ... this much of a pause meant it was a very big deal.
They stood and blinked at me. “Rarity?” Twilight asked.
I nodded and stared at the floor. “Yes.”
Twilight glanced over at Rainbow before continuing, “Um, Rarity ... can I ask what you're...? Oh, ah, never mind. I shouldn't ask.”
“What's up with the stripes?” Rainbow blurted out.
I sighed. Classic Rainbow. So tactless. “Do we really need to go into that, girls?”
They glanced at each other, then nodded, staring at me with wide eyes.
“Very well.” I shook my head slowly. “It's just something I like to do sometimes, it makes me feel free.”
They just stared.
“Oh!” I moaned. “This is the end of me! Now that you know, nothing will ever be the same again! No more society, no more friendship, no more—”
“Woah woah woah, hold it right there, Prissy Pants.” Rainbow took wing and hovered in front of me. “It's not the end of anything.”
I waved a hoof at her dismissively. “Surely you must be joking. How can you ever look at me the same way after seeing me in such an unladylike state?”
Rainbow winced.
Clearing her throat, Twilight cut in, “We might not ever look at you in exactly the same way ... but that doesn't mean half of what you seem to think it means. We're more open-minded and accepting of differences than you give us credit for, right Rainbow?”
We both glanced at Rainbow, who merely stared at my striped flanks.
“Right, Rainbow?” Twilight repeated.
Rainbow shook herself free of the daze she'd fallen into. “Oh yeah, right!”
I didn't entirely buy it, but what choice did I have? The remainder of my life would no doubt be damage control and spin from this incident, if I chose to even attempt to salvage anything at all. What a miserable existence. I should start by removing all traces of my paint supplies. If there was no evidence, perhaps I could pass it off as a wild fancy from these two, a vicious rumor. Perhaps if I could get Applejack to back me up ... nopony would ever distrust her.
It saddened me to think that I'd never get my guilty pleasure again, but destroying my supplies was a necessary precaution – I'd been far too indiscreet already. I'd need to—
“Rarity, are you okay?” Rainbow peered into my face.
I shook myself. “Quite all right. Of course.”
“No, you're not.” Twilight gave me a look that cut right through my pretenses. “Rarity, this doesn't mean anything. We can still be friends, just like before. Nothing's changed.”
Nothing's changed? Ha! Everything's changed!
Twilight was still looking at me. “Okay. The delegation can wait. It's not as if it's our problem to make sure they have a banner. We need to deal with this first.”
“What?” I rolled my eyes theatrically. “Heavens, no! What did they need? A banner repaired, a whole banner fabricated? Maybe an entire dozen of my best—”
“Rarity.” One word from Twilight was enough to stop me cold.
“Oh leave me be, Twilight!” I whined. “Can't you see that my life is over now? Nothing will ever be the same now that you know! And once everypony else finds out...!”
Wisely, Twilight didn't even bother arguing that it would be kept a secret. Rainbow was there, after all, and could there ever be anypony worse at keeping secrets? Twilight did giggle, though. “I sort of already suspected it. Well, not the body painting part, but you do check out quite a lot of zebra-related books from the library.”
I covered my mouth with a hoof. “Oh.”
Another silence passed, but this time it was an awkward gap; nopony knew what to say. Me least of all.
“So let's help her!” Rainbow finally blurted out.
Twilight glanced over at her. “Help her? How?”
“This Neighpon delegation junk is boring, anyway. Let's help Rarity be a zebra!”
Both me and Twilight stared at the impetuous pegasus. “And how exactly,” Twilight asked, “would we do that?”
Rainbow returned our stares blankly for a moment, but then her face lit up in unholy joy. I cringed to think what might have occurred to her.
The result was even worse than I expected. “Let's go get Zecora!” she shouted.
“Rainbow Dash!” I huffed. “This is an outrage! Do you have no common decency? We simply cannot barge in on her and demand her help in...” I blanched “...whatever it is you think she will help us do.”
Twilight tapped a hoof to her chin. “Zecora would know more about being a zebra than anypony else around here.” Oh no, not her too!
“Girls!” I stomped a hoof down, dangerously unladylike, but maybe it was the painted-on stripes affecting me? “It is embarrassing enough just having you two see me like this. Can you imagine if Zecora – a real live zebra – saw me doing this? I would simply perish in shame! Have you no heart?”
“Whatever. So take a bath first. Then we'll go!”
“Rainbow, I will not! There is no way I could fathom it. Name one pony in Equestria whom it would be more shameful to show this secret to!”
“It's only shameful because you're hiding it.” Twilight took a step closer, looking me uncomfortably in the eyes. “Do you really want it hidden away in the dark for the rest of your life?”
That was stirring very uncomfortable feelings in my chest, but a lady does not allow herself to be thought of in such ways. “I want to be left to do what I like in peace.”
“I don't think so.” Why did that alicorn have to be so cutting? “I think you want the freedom to express yourself, but it's been repressed for too long.”
“Only because it must,” I insisted.
“But it doesn't, not really.” She shook her head. “Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a cage made of gilded expectations, or will you spread your wings and fly?”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Isn't that from the new Sapphire Shores album?”
Twilight sighed. “Well, yes ... but it's still true!”
“Come on, Rarity, live a little!” Rainbow did a little loop in the confines of the room. “You know your friends have got your back, and what else really matters? Follow your dreams, wherever they lead!”
And that was from the latest Daring Do book, no doubt. It would be impolite and useless to point that out, though. There was a more important problem to be dealt with. “Still, I will not have any part in it. Can you even imagine how offensive it would be to Zecora's sensibilities?”
I glanced between the two of them, an un-ladylike sweat beginning to bead on my brow. “Oh, very well. I haven't anything left to lose, after all. But on one condition.”
The two of them were all smiles.
“We tell Zecora that we're asking for the sake of a friend.”
“Deal!”
Twilight nodded in time with Rainbow's outburst. “I guess you'll want to get cleaned up first?”
“Of course.”
“Do you mind if we find some fabric for the delegation's banner while we're here?”
“Not at all, darling. Help yourselves to anything in the back room's cabinets. I'll only be a moment.”
* * *
It was, of course, far longer than a moment before I returned down the stairs. Or rather, it was a lady's dressing room moment, which can be stretched as far as it needs to be, any source will tell you.
By the time I returned to the foyer, clean and pure white again, the two of them had managed to lay out a wide white banner of wholly inappropriate cashmere and were clumsily stitching a rough-cut red circle of corduroy in the middle of it. Since they had been treating me with every possible kindness so far this evening, I refrained from commenting on their work. At least the Neighpon banner was simple. I would have hated to see them butcher something more complex.
“Rarity, finally!” Rainbow jumped away from the fabric as if it might nip at her legs. “Come on, Twilight, let's get out of here and go see Zecora!”
“I don't know, Rainbow...” Twilight looked down at their 'banner'. “This has to be done by tomorrow morning, or it's going to be a total disaster. We should really finish the stitching before we—”
“I'll finish it overnight and deliver it to you first thing in the morning, Twilight dear.”
Both of them looked at me, beaming with gratitude. “Are you sure you'll be able to finish it in time?” Twilight asked.
It was an insulting question, really, but I let it slide. “Oh, there are only a few stitches left to go. It will take me no time at all.” Really, I would start over from scratch using proper materials, but they didn't need to know that.
* * *
By the time we approached Zecora's hut, the evening was growing old and the night breezes were blowing. Nearly all evidence of the sun was gone ... or perhaps it was just the hideous trees in this part of the forest blocking it out.
We spent some time – far too long – standing in front of the zebra's door. Twilight didn't seem overly eager to give it a knock, and I sure as Celestia wasn't about to volunteer myself.
Rainbow, of course, quickly grew frustrated from the lack of action, and even though she was behind both of us, she wedged her way in and knocked heavily on the door.
It immediately swung open from the pressure of her knocks.
“Who are these ponies coming so late in the day, and what could they have come to say?” came from inside.
We filed in, all of us silent. Even Rainbow was subdued.
Zecora looked up from a small pot she was mixing on the counter. “Well, has someone struck you dumb, or will you tell me why you've come?”
Eventually, Twilight broke the still silence. “Well, we have this friend, you see, and she's really interested in zebras. She, um, even wishes she could become one.”
“Ah, the good Miss Rarity. I was wondering when you'd come to me.”
“What?” I sputtered. “I didn't – we're here to ask for the sake of a mutual friend of ours who is—”
“Take care not to tell me any lies, you who come for exotic supplies. Long I've known you for your curiosity. Now I'll give you my generosity.”
Rainbow peered at her. “So ... there is a way? You have a potion!”
“There is no brew for what you think; there is something, but it will take more than a blink.”
I finally found my voice. “Wh-What is it?”
“There are ponies in our land who join our tribe, but there is no potion they imbibe. Instead, it's a ceremonial rite, one that must be done on the darkest night.”
We all glanced at one another.
“Will you take our test and venture on our quest?”
Rainbow squinted at her. “What exactly is this 'quest' you're talking about?”
“The pony is painted in zebra stripes, to bring together ponies of all types. The stripes are a special tattoo, made from a special brew – one that can must be made ... by you.” She stared right at me.
I gulped.
“The herb you need grows only in one spot, and I think you'll find it very hot. On Mount Mukatu's volcanic rim, you'll find a flower tall and slim. It grows only in this one single spot, search elsewhere as much as you like – you'll find it not.”
“But isn't that in your home country of Zebrica?” Twilight asked.
Zecora nodded solemnly.
“But how could I ever do that?” It was all crashing down on me now. “It must be ever so far away!”
Again, Zecora nodded solemnly.
In the silence, we all soaked in the realization: we'd be heading out on a quest soon. I knew there was no way my friends would let me do it alone.
“You should not do this on a whim. Only the truly devoted seek the volcano's brim.”
It was my turn to nod solemnly. “What was that about following your dreams, wherever they lead, Rainbow?”
“Rarity, this is a huge decision,” Twilight said. “You can't just jump into it.”
Rainbow laid a hoof on my back. “I'm in!”
We'd set out as soon as the Neighpon delegation left. It was time for a quest ... one I should have done a long, long time ago. I smiled. “Where exactly is this mountain, Zecora?”
* * *
Once again, we stood in front of Zecora's door. This time it was early in the morning, and even this deep in the Everfree, birds still chirped cheerfully ... or maybe that was just Zecora's influence on the area around her hut.
The three of us were finally back, a little the worse for wear. I wasn't the only one to be bearing scorch marks and tufts of mane missing, so I resolved to treat all three of us to a luxury spa date later ... even if I had to drag Rainbow there kicking and screaming.
This time, Zecora opened her door before we even knocked, as if she knew we were coming. Maybe she did ... or maybe she was just coming out to gather herbs or the like. “Aha, so you've finally ventured back to do the rite! Your timing is perfect – tonight's the darkest night. I take it you brought the plant? If you ask me to do this without it ... I can't.”
I used my magic to open my woefully travel-worn saddlebags, and I levitated a thick bunch of the slender flower stalks over to Zecora.
She nodded. “This is just the thing. You found just what to bring. Come inside, all of you. It's time for Rarity to mix her brew.”
The potion was surprisingly complicated, and it took all day – and a little into the night – to complete the whole brewing process ... though much of that was waiting for everything to come to a boil and cook down. Rainbow professed boredom within the first few minutes, of course, and she drug Twilight away within the first hour, but only after I extracted a promise that they would return in time for the ceremony at midnight.
They were true to their word, arriving well before the ceremony. I would expect no less from such wonderful friends.
I was arrayed in my colorfully exotic ceremonial garb. I wore an elaborate mask that blocked most of my vision and a dizzying array of feathers and bright-colored cloth strips. The fashionista in me – despite being somewhat repressed lately – couldn't help but delight in the exotic turnout. All four of us walked in single file out of Zecora's door.
Zecora led the way, followed by Rainbow and Twilight, and I brought up the rear, as customary for new initiates.
This truly was the darkest night. The moon was new, entirely black, but it had already fallen behind the horizon, leaving only the faint glimmer of stars to light our path through the treacherous forest. When we arrived at the firepit, I barely noticed in time to avoid running into Twilight's rump.
“Could you give us a little flame? Unicorn or zebra, it works the same.”
Twilight's horn glowed, lighting the area ghoulishly for a moment. The fire sprung to life instantly, roaring up high. The bright red flames brought the forest around us to life, reflecting in the eyes of hundreds of – presumably hungry – forest animals and showing the grasping limbs of trees in a stark, wavering light that made them seem to move all on their own.
“Come before us today is this unicorn pony. She brought the herb to prove she's no phony.” Zecora's stripes stood out starkly in the firelight, and she looked like something from another universe entirely. “Stand here and take your mark – it is permanent, and can be made only in the dark.”
I slowly walked up to her. My part in this ceremony was simple, which suited me, given the way my nerves were jittering. All I had to do was hold still.
“I give to you your stripes, a mark to join the many pony types.” She dipped a thin brush into the jar Rainbow had carried here for us, then moved in close.
This was it. She slid the brush in a wavering line down one side of my face – my first stripe, my first real stripe! One by one, Zecora laid more and more on me. No shifting patterns, these. They would be determined and inspired by the random way my ceremonial garb lay across my body, and this brew would stain my white fur all the way down to the roots, making all new hairs growing there take the same color. I would have these stripes forever. I was a zebra!
It was exhilarating. I could barely control my breath, barely hold still. My heart was beating like jungle drums.
Finally, Zecora laid out the last strokes, a carefully curved series of swipes down my tail. “Rise, Rarity, now of zebra kin. You are one with all the zebras there have ever been.”
* * *
I carefully brushed on her new temporary white coat dye, ordered at considerable expense from the only manufacturer in Equestria who made it: Feel Like a Princess, a specialty boutique in Manehattan. One could only guess that their usual business was in helping ponies of all colors imitate the pure white Princess Celestia ... for ends both savory and unsavory.
For me, though, it would temporarily cover up the permanent black stripes in my coat. A similar purple dye would cover the streaks in my mane and tail.
When I set out to meet the elite of Equestria's fashion industry, not a single one of them would ever guess what hid beneath all the dye. Oh, they would be so scandalized if they knew – if they knew that underneath this poise and perfection waited a wild, uninhibited zebra mare.
But that part of me would always be there now, even if I was the only one around who knew. Underneath, where it really mattered, I would be free. I would always be free.
The End
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6279082
Thanks. ^.^
Glad you liked it!
That was actually pretty sweet. I was expecting a lot of ridicule on Rarity's behalf but all of this was played petty straight.
6286185
Playing it straight: It's what I do... sometimes.
Now that was quite the interesting story. :)
I respect you. From a person who doesn't feel quite at home in their own body, this Is an excellent portrayal of who someone really is.
You are a king/queen/non-gender-specific-ruler among men/woman/intersex/neither.
Have a song on me:
6286997
Thanks! ^.^
6286999
Now that's a compliment! I'm really happy I was able to pull that off well.
6287018
My own problem doesn't deal with gender, but with race.
Being half-black wasn't the way to grow up in a country with 0.5% black population, especially when this population concentrates in just a few regions and leaves the rest of the country black-free. I grew up wishing I was more black, or more Amerindian. Now as an adult, I see myself in the mirror and wish I was more black.
6287018 You're welcome.
These are nice horsewords
Very nice story. I can actually see Rarity's character secretly harboring this trans-tribal desire. Good on her for pursuing it.
Wow. I would've never thought of Rarity having a character trait like this (which is actually kinda ironic, since I actually wrote a Zecora/Rarity ship on this site), but it feels surprisingly fitting of her. Even though the whole "transformation" process feels a bit rushed, it was still sweet to read the unicorn's feelings and thoughts as she does all of this. I kinda wish there was more detail about how she came to feel the way she did, or how long she wanted to pursue this type of change, but this story overall is a pleasant read. 8/10
This carries all sorts of unfortunate implications, given that Rarity is universally applying those qualities, however complimentary they may be, to an entire group.
To put on permanent zebra stripes and hide them from the light.
It's not good.
It's not right.
It's just a habitual lie for the hypocrite .
Ain't that pretty much black-face?
Okay. I just finished reading this story. The premise struck me as being very similar to a story idea I did a while back when I was still fresh here.
I don't have a lot of words to offer up. All I can say is that I liked it a lot.
6287614
Only if she were doing it to mock Zecora and other zebras. Rarity's doing it out of love for zebras, and possibly this whole transracial identity movement.
I don't really think this deserves the comedy tag. Sure, Rainbow was being a little humerous, but comedy wasn't one of the main features of this fic.
Not gonna lie, the title instantly made me think of Frosted Flakes.
Sorry about this, but I simply had to.
i1.wp.com/ramrants.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/CHeBOepWsAAiZwW.png?resize=554%2C409
6287104
I can see why you'd identify well with this, then!
6287150
Heh. I try.
6287166
6287197
Thanks! ^.^ Yeah, I think it really fits Rarity to have a secret like this.
6287207
All part of character.
I make no claims for Rarity being politically correct.
6287575
Well, yeah, but she can't let her clients know about it.
6287614
What she was doing before kinda was. By the end of the story, though, she had been accepted.
6287698
What was the one you did before?
6287774
Yeah... I wasn't too sure about that either... but SoL alone was looking so lonely.
6287840
Did they run that slogan for a while?
6287947
Lulz.
Did you know, I live in Spokane, where that lady did her thing. ^.^
6287952
The story was Confessions of a Fashionista. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/92095/confessions-of-a-fashionista
6287954 They did. Apparently, marketing works!
6287952 She wouldn't jeopardize her business on a whim
But Pinkie would 
img12.deviantart.net/4f95/i/2015/095/8/4/raritys_egg_colored_by_hillbe-d8oj3qg.jpg
Hmm, the concept is interesting, but it somehow seems to have fallen a bit flat. I am not sure what could be done to spruce it up, so to speak, but I found it to be much less of a comedy and more of a drama piece. What first appears to be a cringe-worthy habit of Rarity's, perhaps borrowing some topical comedy from the recent Rachel Dolezal situation, ends up being more about exploring identity, much more spiritual than comedic. The ceremony at the end with Zecora is a nice touch, I don't think anyone has done that sort of thing with her before, at least not that I've seen. Then again, I have not looked into Zecora/Zebra fics too much. She's certainly an interesting character to flesh out, with an entire culture behind her apparently, which we've seen next to nothing of in the show so far.
So, the skinny: Well written, but does not seem to deliver what was promised with the tagging. Still worth the read, but slow moving in parts. Interesting conclusion. Would recommend to friends to check out, if for no other reason but to hear their opinions as well. 7/10
Rarity wanted to become a zebra, so she could feel free? Why does she believe zebra-kind are more free than pony-kind?
You don't have to pretend to be what you are not, in order to be free. What imprisons you is in your mind, not on your hide.
too bad being transracial isn't actually a thing :^)
Awesome.
Though I must say, Rarity's belief that zebra's are more free/wild and all that, comes across somewhat ignorant and (theres a term for viewing another race/culture as being more primitive yet somehow less restrictive then ones own. And so somehow superior/simpler/freeing in some ways ), whatever its still good. And Rarity with stripes is a wonderful idea.
Reminds me of Anne McCaffrey and her books of Acorna the unicorn girl. The third or fourth book where she shows her people images of zebras. It was all ready common to dye ones fur a different color. But they stayed within traditional horse colors. Acorna changed that, so non traditional colors and patterns where introduced. Ive read most of the series. Its rather good.
Your story reminds me of that series.
Honestly, it felt... rushed. The character interactions were short and did little to really explore her relationship with her friends and how it would be affected. Rarity's 'drama' felt forced... and it's a shame.... this whole story could have been a lot more--you could have described her journey to show how much she wanted it, to begin with. Had Zecora explain what it means to be a part of her Zebra heritage rather than just pretty much say, "it's not for everyone". Show how much Rarity was willing to actually risk and how much her friends helped her achieve what she wanted, instead of jumping scenes and she was done.
I don't dislike it, but it just makes me feel like I read an outline of what this could have been.
Interesting idea, Rarity Dolezal. I wonder if the day will come when she's willing to wear the stripes everywhere?
6288054
Exactly.
A million different kinds of adorabuu.
I loved it, have a fave.
6287984
Heh, I can see the resemblance.
6288003
True. She's worse at keeping a secret than Rainbow... unless you can extract a Pinkie Promise from her.
6288012
Either I'm doing things right and extremists on both sides are dissatisfied, or my pacing in this was awful -- rushed in parts and dragging in the wrong places.
Oh boy... slow moving in parts? While other people say it's rushed.
And yeah... that [comedy] tag was probably a mistake, in retrospect. I just didn't want SoL to be the only tag. I think maybe I intended for it to be more comedic while I was writing it, but it sort of went a different direction on me... but then when tagging it, I still had comedy in my mind.
6288054
6288625
Somepony needs to tell her that!
6288170
Or is it?
Nah, it's not! ^.^
6288342
'Racist'?
6288410
Hm... yes.
Thanks for that. This is the kind of comment that really helps me do better in the future!
6288555
We can only hope. ^.^
6288711
Thanks! ^.^
You know, the funny thing about this story is that, to me, the best part of it was that it gives a kind of candid look into the mind of "mighty whitey" - the kind of person who thinks all that "noble savage" bollocks is actually how people live or think. It doesn't work for me as what you wanted it to be, but it sure as hell works as that.
6289871
Heh, who says I didn't want it to be that?
(I should stress that Rarity's views here are not the same as my own. I can definitely see Rarity as being a little bit racist, even though she thinks she's being complimentary.)
6289889
Maybe it was just my impression, then. It just seemed a little too straight-faced, but then again, I've learned to expect the worst out of people here and it makes me leap to that kind of judgment sometimes. It's a bad habit, I know. I hope you don't take it personally.
So ponies do blackface now? That is strange.
6289866 Theres an actually word, I think other then the one you mention.
Its rather archaic though, and for the life of me I cant recall it.
6290532
Hm... I don't think I've heard that word... but I'd like to.
6290190
Well, sorta.
They call it stripeface.
Nice story.
6290969
Thanks! ^.^
What was your favorite part?
That was a nice little story
It reminded me a lot of bronies. Some of us brave the danger of judgement & choose to bare our stripes; we come out of the closet. We don't care that we show who we really are or who we want to be. I proudly bare my stripes & will continue to do so. "Follow your dreams..."
6291585
Hehe, yeah... I hadn't even thought of it from that angle!
Living your dreams, perhaps the most important part of living. Lovely story!
6291999
Of course the most important part of living! ^.^
So the biggest theme that stood out to me for this story is contrast.
You have the most obvious symbol of the contrast between the black and white stripes, that together makes for a striking pattern. You have the contrast between expectations and reality, of high-society and... not high society. And so on.
I'm not entirely sure where I was going with that.
I'm here because I generally like ocalhoun's work, and have enjoyed the whole feedback process with him several times now. Additionally, this story features the favorite half of the M6 on my personal ranking chart, so that caught my eye. While the lack of romance tag is slightly off-putting, slice of life comedy is right up my alley as well in terms of comfortable reading material.
There be spoilers ahead.
What we also have is a short character piece. It sets out to explore Rarity's character in a new and unique way. While I've seen several fics that have Rarity unveil a "dark secret" that she revels in while being ashamed in, this is the first time I've seen her explored in this particular way. So there are some definite marks for originality, in the accepted usage of taking something and putting a new-feeling spin on it, rather than the objective definition.
This story also features Zecora, which is something of a gamble for fics. She can be done badly. She can be done entertainingly. Her rhymes are something of a challenge to get just right, and the ones in this story feel rather natural.
I wish I could say more about the positive side of things. On to the technical.
As I've come to expect from ocalhoun, there aren't really any outstanding grammar problems. While I don't see any credits to editors/proofreaders, I'm assuming that since he's writing "for pay" that he has retained some. Either way, since this is marked as being related to his Patreon, I'd honestly be shocked if it wasn't polished.
Nopony felt out of character. This is especially important for the main character, Rarity. There was a notable degree of blowing a little thing up into a big thing that felt spot-on for her. The others got by with a sort of light-hand approach. They played roles, but the roles were subdued and minor, which helped prevent anything from standing out as really wrong with them. There was even a slight nod to Fluttershy who, despite not even being present, was in-character in that Rarity wasn't able to immediately exclude her from being outside her door simply because she couldn't hear her.
The pacing was incredibly fast and rushed. We were never given any opportunity ever to really soak in anything. The story feels like speaking with a young child who is excited to show you his or her toy, but then snatches it away to show you the next one and the next one. You leave the visit without any of the toys standing out in memory because you hardly got a look at any of them to form any kind of lasting impression. Unlike with a child, we can't tell the story, "hey, wait and show me that one again. I had something similar to it when I was growing up."
On to the negative stuff.
So, as I mentioned at the start, the story is about contrast. Except there is a distinct lack of it in the story. Rarity has a dark secret, and it is that she wants to be a zebra. While it is "explained" in the story that this represents some sort of freedom and wildness that she finds attractive... the explanation is found wanting, and I'm never really sold that this is all that important to Rarity. If anything, one could argue that her own existing passion for fashion is itself free and wild. Creativity is that and even if it follows certain rules, it also breaks them and flaunts them. Rarity has been shown, such as in Rarity Takes Manehatten, to do just that with her Hotel Chic line. In order for the main premise to be real and relevant to us, it needs contrast. Why is it necessary for Rarity? How is she not free and wild? Show us the normal and why the normal isn't tolerable, so we can empathize with her desires. Show us how those desires serve to solve her normal.
Instead of being an obvious solution to her normal, Rarity's desire to become a zebra comes dangerously close to making light of some racially sensitive stuff, and further comes dangerously close to presenting Rarity not unlike Trenderhoof: showing interest in something without really understanding it, and being offensive and obtuse.
I have a black uncle, while the majority of my family is white. There have been tensions in the family because of this, when my aunt married him her parents (my grandparents) weren't the most supportive. Furthermore, my great grandfather was openly racist, and that created all kinds of drama until his death. The changes that our family went through, especially for my great grandmother who disagreed with her husband, were a huge contrast. Furthermore, my two cousins had all sorts of issues in their lives trying to find acceptance and being less than fully embraced by either white culture or black culture. This entire dynamic is something that it feels like Rarity is an intruder upon, and the story comes dangerously close to pulling a Trenderhoof towards.
This could have been used to create some conflict, as was done in Simple Ways, or perhaps even like some of the individual events that happened over the years in my family. But unlike with Trenderhoof where Applejack becomes rightfully offended by his shallow behavior, nothing comes of it from Zecora, the most likely source of such conflict, nor of her two friends.
There is a glimmer of a conflict in the form of some quest to a volcano to fetch a rare herb. We skip past that to the conclusion where they've finished said quest with nary but a few singes to show for the hardships and hazards they overcame.
The only real indication we have that Rarity is serious about this is that a) she read up on it a bunch, and b) she goes through with the permanent change in the end. While we're told those things happen, we're never really shown Rarity's sincerity so it comes across as incredibly flat, and fails to really assuage the worries presented above.
This could have been a great story. With perhaps Rarity being shallow at first, but having some real but hard to explain drive. Being taken not seriously at first by her friends could have formed some early conflict that developed into the stated theme of "following your dreams." There could have been some conflict with convincing Zecora of her sincerity. THis could have drawn out this inner drive and eventually swayed Zecora to accept and help. We could have tagged along for the adventure they went on, to get some easy demonstrations of Rarity's resolve when she doesn't back down from opposition.
But what we mostly lack in this story, is a reason to believe Rarity wants to be a zebra, and why this is at all important. What even being a zebra actually entails.
What we have is a story where Rarity expresses liking a particular look, goes about getting said look with only a little bit of self-created drama in the process, then proceeds to spend most of her time covering up that look. None of the character exploration of the story is actually present within the scant 4k words of this piece, and we're left with... nothing really.
And that's all the slice of life stuff. This story is also marked comedy. I have no idea why. Nothing in the entire story stands out as even really attempting to be funny. Is it supposed to be funny that Rarity wants stripes? Or is the joke that this story wasted however long it takes to read 4k words worth of your time without delivering anything?
Honestly, if this is the product of the Patreon system motivating you to write stuff within a deadline, I'd be motivated to remove a pledge if I had one. Because it seems to motivate you to throw words at the screen just to have done so, rather than to tell stories.
6292330
Ooh, ouch!
Yeah... I probably deserved that. I'm not sure I really thought this story through.
Gotta love Dash's enthusiasm once a more interesting thing to participate in shows up. The very word 'delegation' just screams 'boring' after all.
Hahaha! Hey, lyrics can make for the best quotes. Same for literature.
Heh.
Hahaha, and of course Zecora already knows.
That was interesting.
6292704
Heh, thanks. ^.^
Good to know it has some redeeming qualities, after some of the cutting reviews I've gotten.
So not a total failure... although I do still know the story was thematically confused and often failed to hit its mark.
6291062 The part when Rarity gets discovered by her friends.