- Member Since 9th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Wednesday
Masked Brony
A rookie writer, animator, and voice actor...who just so happens to like My Little Pony.
Masked Brony
Joined 9th Jan, 2015 ·
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What happened to his arm!
9365836
He touched something he wasn't supposed to.
Interesting
Well the writing still needs work, but I think you are on a good start, so keep it up. At the moment there doesn't seem to be much of a goal for his to reach other then going back home of course but that could be cleared upon the next chapter.
If you are looking for a cover art I am open to for commissions if you are ever interested, you can just PM me if you want to talk about it further. The link to my DA gallery in just bellow if you want to take a look at it.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
9368489
Can you elaborate on what you mean when he doesn't have a goal? I just want some clarification so I can see what I have and make some changes if I have to.
I'll look at your DA profile and get back at you.
9368535
It's nothing that you really need to worry about, it's was just to wonder what was his plans to to leave the ruined Castle of the Two Sisters survive through the Everfree Forest and what he would do after that point. At the moment, it is not even clear if the Celestia that visited he knew is the same that he is going to try to contact so she might not even know how he is yet; I wonder if the Celestia that he know was from after of before Nightmare Moon which would add a lot of trouble. there is also a time factor to his situation, as he is apparently changing into a pony himself, Celestia might not recognize him once he reached a certain point in his transformation and would just think of him as another one of her subjects which would make his situation even more difficult for him. What is at least reassuring his that once he convinces Celestia of his identity she should have a way back to his home; if she managed it once she should be able to do it again.
I would wonder why Celestia was in his world in the first place as, I don't it was entirely for relaxation, maybe she had been perusing something in different world and on the way back she was exhausted and needed to catchup on her strength .
hope this helps in someway.
9368811
Every little bit helps, and you were right things will start clearing up for him soon.
There are a few things I wish you would have shown instead of just telling us about (like the interaction with Celestia). But other then that you have my interest.
9373684
I'll keep that in mind. Thank You.
Well the grammar needs work but other than that good story. I’d recommend Grammarly so you don’t have to worry about typos and errors as much.
9376730
I do use it, but only the free one. Once I get some better income I'll upgrade for sure.
Thank you.
Nice chapter, the flow of your writing is improving a lot and you are making headway in your writing, but I would suggest you done down starting use of 'I' when starting a sentence and in general too give more variety in your sentence structure.
I think doing flash back to Celestia's visit to his world was a very nice touch and added a little more depth to the protagonist and her interactions and helps to make up for the gloss over of the on the subject. What started out as more a writing mistake is turning it into an asset, good job.
I like the idea of the guard's arrows are magical. I wonder if wanting the apples are a sign of his growing equine instincts he is starting to develop at that point. the reflection on finally living the adventure in a foreign land was a nice touch too.
Keep up the good work.
M for mature yet the tags are all friendly.
This has promise, I'll see where it goes.
I wonder if there are a blue and pink stones anywere (does any one else understand the reference)
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU SPELL SHAWN THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO SPELL IT AND ITS S.H.A.W.N. NO EXCEPTION
9494038
It's for later. I'm not sure what would classify T so to be safe I put it at M. This way I can't write without a filter. If it gets to much of sex-gore then I'll put the tag on.
Well, I was honestly surprised that that he managed to reach Ponyville so quickly, now I wonder how he will explain himself to the ponies; seeing that Twilight didn't have had the best of receptions for him. I can'T wait to see the ponies hunting him down with pitch forks and torches that would make for an adorable scene. Okay, so I take it that he saw the Mare on the moon silhouette in the sky is made him think that he arrived before the the pilot episode and that is what confuses him in seeing Twilight near the Everfree forest like that? I wonder if the guy ever asked Celestia about the events that happened in MLP, might have helped to know if she is of the same time frame as the show maybe?
9377995
Wops, sorry I must have forgotten to press the post button before I changed story. Huh okay, here is what I basically. "I was surprised that he had managed to leave the Everfree forest with so many encounters and still be alive, he must be lucky" "I am guess that he knows that this is before the series pilot because of the Mare in the Mood effigy was still there and that is why it was so odd that he meet Twilight in the first place" Then I had said that I was looking forward to see the all the cute and adorable the ponies would be by coming at him with pitchforks and torches.
Looking forward to the next chapter, again sorry
9495497
LoL
I'm... going to assume there's an explanation for why Twilight just blindly attacked a random strange creature like that, because this seems like a rather forced conflict.
Yay! His slow pony transformation progresses! I can't wait to see which pony type he becomes.
Well this was an interesting chapter
I was honestly surprised that the meet up with Celestia was so soon, but you managed to do made the reunion between without making it feel forces. 50 years elapses time after they meet each other in the right Equestia was actually a very good margin of error for the guy, so he can count his lucky star that it went so well for him. I do like that his assumptions of what he expects to happen reveal themselves to be wrong on his part, that he can't rely on his shop knowledge to be of any real help for him.
I think staying in the Everfree Forest and doing activates in Ponyville will be a lot more damaging for the timeline then if he had went to Canterlot With Celestia. Still, I think it might be for the best that he stay in the Everyfree while Celestia is tending with her reunion with Luna for a while, it would be a very emotional period for the both of them and dividing Celestia's attention between his needs and Luna won't help matters. And that's not even to mention what a magically saturated area like Canterlot could do to accelerate his transformation too. I wonder what was that sphere all about what is it's origin and what was it still the castle after it had been abandon or the rest of all the stuff for that matter?
I wonder if Celestia might be able to place wards that could prevent magic form seeping in a confine area for him?
I don't think he will be ANY completion for AJ, as wild apples usually are very sour and wouldn't be able to gather enough to to make it forth selling them even at a massive discount. And it would take years of careful tending to grow saps into apple bearing orchards.
Despite looking like she is taking a lot of dangerous risk for changing the the time line to be more prepared for the crisis that Equestria might face in the show's run time, which is all based off an adaptation of the 22 minute format show for children, I think Celestia might have went about way more smarter with this then the guy giving her credit for and gleamed way more from it then anyone could possibly could imagined. I think she probably understood that the show limited everything in Twilight's and the show cast's perspective and that everything she saw was way too condensed to so what actually happened, or the time spans for that matter, and look a of liberties in how she could intemperate the situation, and none of what she saw should be taken as the gospel truth. I think she might have come to the right conclusion that she can't micro manage everything herself in what happens in the show and only bothers with the broad strokes and take initiative in the situation anyway as well as letting Twilight
Still, I wonder What she did with Sunset Shimmer in this story? Did she still took her in as her student, did she try to fix the mistakes that her show self did in trying to become a perfect model student or did she went along with the EQG movies and just prepare Sunset the best way she could in facing the challenge of going to that world?
I wonder what she might have foreseen with the Changeling Invasion, would she let things turn out as they did in the show, have defeated by Chrysalis or could she has scene something else also happening in the mean while that she could spare or inform the Royal Guard to do anything about it?
Looking forward to the next chapter.
Pretty good start. Only thing I could point out right here is that he repeatedly mentions responsibilities and duties keeping him tied to Earth, but makes no mention whatsoever of what they entail. Also, more description of his surroundings and people would be a bit better- description of his home, the castle where he ended up, how do things look, smell, feel etc. This can be applied to everything from characters, to foliage, buildings, animals and so on. We still don't even really know anything about what the main character actually looks like- hair color, eyes, height, weight, scars. The next time you are writing a scene and the main character makes any kind of contact with another character or surface, try to describe what it feels like in more detail. Even just adding an adjective or two makes a huge difference. The clearer the picture the reader has, the better.
9542207
Gotcha
9542207
Thanks for the advice. I added a whole new scene that ended up adding a little more the background story amongst other things.
It sucks that Celestia's magic is going to speed up the protagonists ungulation.
To be honest I think this is an even better improvement in your writing then last time, you really managed to nail a good atmosphere between the guy and Steve Magnet and their conversation, you made it clear that it might not have been sea serpent entirely, but I did like the question about why doesn't be seem more in a hurry to go back home and if everything might not have been planed/destined from the start; great job on that.
I though that Celestia's scheduled appearance at the end of the pilot episode was a little off, but I think it fit the situation well and showing that she was more worried about his well being then going to reunited with her defeated sister peaked volume of what she thinks of him, but it might also make her over confidant in how well things in the show should work out too. I wonder how further along in becoming a pony he will be when he gets up.
I think the scene with Twilight being beaten by NMM and having the guy questioning himself about getting involved or not interesting and adding the idea that he was suing hide his actual cowardices when things were dangerous, was a great idea and helped to show that he had to search deep within himself to set in and defend the Mane Six to show actual courage and not a cocky cutter scene that you would expect from lesser stories; great job on that. The confrontation went expectingly bad for him, but it wounds did help scares will prove that he can have the courage to fight for others in need.
I though that Twilight's persistent fear of the guy, despite her mentor's reassurances of the opposite, interesting and I wonder if there will be more reproductions to this later down the road.
I wonder if Luna is going to resent Celestia for leaving her behind for the human, or something else will sprung from that change in the show
While their might have been a few very minor dull parts to the chapter, it was over all excellent in the overall execution and open's up a lot of possibilities for later in the story. I am honestly surprised how you manage to go deeper in the quality of your writing in just a few chapters; great job of that and keep it up, you are an inspiration on that.
More please
9495497
A certain YouTuber would like to have a word with you.
Wow the quality of this story has really picked up since chapter 1
Ok, so we spend a good portion of the chapter in a flashback before cutting to him in the present. But then he, or rather you, just tell us what happened. Instead of showing us the events through another flashback you just kind of rush through it. The whole thing with Celestia showing up and having to integrate into the family should be an entire chapter in its own right. What was his family's in-depth reaction to witnessing a cartoon character standing before them? These things are interesting.
We also don't get too many descriptions of things. It's better to give us one description of a place or person and then only refer to it like "the castle" or "Celestia". Just because we know how those things look doesn't mean you should cut down on showing us how it looks. You can even change a few things if you so wish. Maybe your Celestia has a pink mane or your Castle of the Two Sister has a big ass wall around it.
Show us what your world and what your characters looks like.
9495497
There are no exceptions..... unless it’s sean
9637283
Thank you for your comment. I'm in the process of reworking that chapter after it was brought to my attention earlier. I'm also going over the current chapters that I have yet to publish and checking for the same issue. If there is anything else please let me know so I can improve on it.
I want New chapter...
Now this story on my shi- i mean, tracking favorite list...
I honestly love this story too much, and i keep rereading it every so often. I LOVE most of the stories which start like this, the characters are lovable and feel real. I Cannot wait for a new chapter!!!
I’m enjoying the friendship between Sean and Celestia. Also “Sunny D“ is the best nickname for her I’ve ever seen. XD
9658914
Oh. Don't worry I got more.
sort of.
That escalated
What is the spell she cast i have a few thoughts but I don't know
Huh? Whaat's an RGRE?
Yay! Update! I hope things go ok for Sean.
9733462
It mean Revers Gender Role Equestria, where the mares are mostly dominant in this world.
Very nice chapter, you really did a good job on this one. The reading was very fluid, the expressions where very good and you really had a good feeling about the characters. Keep up the very good work that you are doing so far, I will be very looking forward to the next chapter.
Soo much informations yet it says nothing. Hoped for some answers but we got more questions and i believe we will not get them even as the story progresses.
So hes turning into a pony........ok.
Why was Celestia forbidden to see him or his world and why was that spell/curse randomly there below the castle....... Why is he a possible catalyst of doom ect? Hope these things get answered soon
9733524
So like a matriarchy? Thanks for that clarification.
9733539
Pretty much
9733462
Reverse gender role Equestria.
9733530
Only 5 chapters so far, have patience.
9733612
9733530
Exactly. Don't worry I'm just setting the stage right now. Everything will be answered in due time.