This story is on hold until I have more experience with other stories.
I was a normal guy, well as normal one can be as an orphan. I get up, go to school, met my master after school, go back to the orphanage, eat, sleep, and repeat. But now things have spiraled out of control, and after the death of some one dear to me I somehow get teleported via a lightning bolt to a wold full of ponies that act like humans and defy all laws of logic. I must find a way home before these girly horses, who are constantly shoving their girly shit down my throat, cause me to lose my mind.
If I haven't already...
I haven't found a proofreader or an editor but I did get some helpful advice which I put to go use. While the story isn't perfect it should be better than the first version. Downgraded the rating to Teen as there will be cussing and a little light gore once or twice in the future.
Originality comes to mind.
Human in Equestria protagonists with a tragic background? Seen a million of 'em.
HiE protagonists with unwarranted fighting skills that that need special justification? Ditto.
HiE protagonists with potty mouths because the writer things that saying "fuck" makes them sound more grown up? Oh, yeah.
General edginess and pointless violence? All over the place.
"Come on, Kyle, get at the back of the line,"
You also need to work on your punctuation.
communism - Any political philosophy or ideology advocating holding the production of resources collectively.
Words mean things.
That should be "say" and "hardened". Your verb tenses need work.
You've got a missing word here. This is why writers should reread their own work before clicking on "publish".
This particular compound is generally written as one word.
See what I mean about verb tenses? You've got the past tense from "formed" and the present tense from "threaten"; pick one and stick with it.
As this terms originates from a file type/extension, it is written without a space in between the letters and the number.
I'm not even going to talk about how unrealistic or unlikely this scenario is.
principle - A fundamental assumption or guiding belief. A rule used to choose among solutions to a problem. A rule or law of nature.
principal - The chief administrator of a school.
I'm skipping a lot of stuff, because otherwise I would be here all night. I had to jump ahead to this, though, because the same error shows up in this chapter title and in the story description:
lightening - Present participle of lighten.
lightning - A flash of light produced by short-duration, high-voltage discharge of electricity within a cloud, between clouds, or between a cloud and the earth.
I strongly suggest you scrap this story and try writing something that doesn't cover territory that's already extremely well-worn. If you do continue with the concept, you have a great deal of work to fix the numerous technical errors. I advise you to join one of the many writer support groups on the site and look for an editor.
6517518
First off I would like to thank you for your criticism as it is very detailed and explained what is wrong with this story. I know that this story is not very original at all, but what can you do when you join a fandom that is roughly five years old. Especially with HiE stories as there are thousands of them.
As for my character I wanted to show that he has a harsh background not really a tragic one. There are people out there who live in these kinds of conditions so it’s not that far-fetched, yes it is rare but it does happen. I didn’t give the protagonists a colorful vocabulary because I wanted him to sound grown up. Quiet the contrary I wanted to show how much of a child he still is, and to show that he hasn’t had a proper parental figure in his life, besides his master that is. I really wanted to show a good character progression, and so as time passes slowly the character will grow and mature and things like bad language will wither and fade.
I know my grammar needs a lot of work, but now I know what needs to be worked on. So I’ll correct what’s wrong and try my best in the future to avoid these same mistakes. I am already looking at writer support groups right at this moment.
I won’t scrap this story because I’m using this as a ‘test run’ of sorts. I’m doing this so that I can find my weaknesses and address them and get the feel of the water.
So again thank you for your time and effort you have put into this.
I hope I can do better so that next time you can have a better reading.