- Member Since 19th May, 2013
- offline last seen 52 minutes ago
Undisputed
It's longer than you think...
Undisputed
Joined 19th May, 2013 ·
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Strange story, but interesting. Keep up the good work.
Please continue
Please continue
Are you going to finish this story and how do
I get chapter 1 and chapter 2 and chapter 3 and chapter 4
9688845
Indeed, I plan on finishing this story. It might take a while though. Quite a lot of story still needing to be typed and stuff!
Though, I'm sorry. I'm not sure what you mean by that second part. How do you 'get' the chapters?
...ok, we're 20k word in into this story and we still have zero idea what's going on and it's getting very frustrating. Crimson is a dolt and Dahlia is a bitch and for the life of me I cannot wrap my head around what the fascination this fandom has with being a pet/slave of a pony.
Please continue
Welp... that wasn't rapey at all.
Please continue
Not to be negative or anything but I find it cringy how he reacts to every situation.
Memories hazy? Okay, that happens. Having a collar repeatingly put on you your being oblivious to something trying to sex you or just be oblivious makes it hard to even root for when it's just cringe.
9693009
Understandable! Sorry that this story didn't find your fancy.
I just won't how to get stories that came be for this story thank you
Am I a cadget or is it Adam Jenson from Deus Ex?
Please don't take this the wrong way, but, uh, why can't you just write the story so that it's double spaced from the start?
9694279
So I formatted my Microsoft Word so that it has custom presets. This unfortunate happening is due to writing endlessly for college. I started typing the first few chapters with this not in mind, uploaded the chapters, and then realized I put myself into a hole.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
9689078
I agree
...
not going to lie my dudes but this chapter was literally retarded, and I have no idea what it's taking about.
Informative: Interesting.
love the story, and i'm really enjoying it. please do continue! c:
9707560
Very happy to hear you're enjoying it!
I always imagine Moonlight as a cute chubby nerd
Why do I think the celestia is releasing Moonlight's personal quote?
I like the story, Its creative and well put together.
Its not perfect, and you do have a few bad habits, however those bad habits are common to beginning writers and they will drop off as you learn. Writing is like Art and playing an instrument. You only learn and improve through practice.
Based on this story, your on the right track. Looking forward to the next chapter.
The Monk
“Puberty was a curse for those inflicted with it, and boundless amusement for others who survived the process.” -Scarheart
9708980
Greatly appreciate it! Feel free to point out some of the habits I have that you find regressive. I'll work on them as I go, and return to previous chapters to fix later on.
Noice, and I feel like if this is predating the Mane 6, then that bastard that came up on Moonlight could be an ancestor of Blueblood. If personality and behaviour are inherited that is...
Good job making the main character appear to just be an average guy, being part of a rare sub-class of Arch-Angels might make people second guess you, but it gives the character some importance and not be just your average, everyday Joe.
Keep up the good work!
I also wonder, does the colour of the Arch differ from user to user? or is a set colour? It would be interesting to find out.
9710359
Hehe. That question will definitely be answered! It might be a while though.
Oh, that's not a good sign, when the very first comment on the first chapter has been deleted...
Really good use of Third Person Present Tense. That's kind of hard to master.
9713322
I asked him when the new update and it got deleted probably by mods lol.
9713322
Nevermind. The story is pretty high quality, with good imagery, pacing, and no obvious grammar or spelling errors, aside from intentionally as an accent. The current Like/Dislike ratio of only 33/6 doesn't seem right, unless a bunch of people read through the first chapter, got put off by the over-the-top evil villain guy sentencing those two griffons to death, disliked, and went away.
9713388
Oh, yeah? It's usually impossible to tell what a comment was saying, but usually what I see (from replies) is someone trying to start controversy in the comments section, or just being a jerk in general.
I didn't even know that mods were involved in deleting comments, and especially not about time sensitivity. I always assumed it was the author trying to break up fights, erasing misleading or insulting comments, or the poster themselves deleting it because they got too many downvotes or backlash.
So seeing the first chapter have one comment, and that one comment being deleted, made me concerned about how the rest of the story might go. If I was the author, I'd be upset at the mod for potentially scaring away readers.
9713439
Haha! This comment made my night!
I knew the prologue was a little too vague and leaves too many blanks, but went with it anyway. It's okay though! Those who stick around for the adventure will (I hope) be glad they did.
9713502
https://youtu.be/3Yyx_AfWQ5U?t=23
9713507
That is one of my fave games plus it's fitting to this story. Or at least the later half.
He's lucky that he just blacked out, and didn't suffer from a prolapse.
9713481
One small recommendation that I'd like to make, would be to mention in the description/synopsis that the story contains some strong "Your Human and You" world elements in it, because I think your story would actually qualify for that Group.
It could draw more people into reading in the first place because they like that kind of story, and it could also prevent people who don't like that kind of thing from reading it, finding out, then disliking.
9713546
It does contain some strong ideas and points from the Your Human and You world, but I don't think it would qualify for it.
I think the group only allows stories that explicitly take the YHaU universe and then add to it or branch off of it (non-canonically). This story isn't set in that universe. I could probably still try to see if they'll take my story, though. See how far it goes.
I like to take a vote and say we murder the stupid janitor!
I love the Yaks are written
That made me laugh. Also
Is this a Jojo Reference?!
Interrogative: WHY THE F#CK DID YOU POST THIS AT THREE A.M.?!
Exclamation: I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GO TO SLEEP!
9716764
https://youtu.be/1vs55Z7t7bk?t=8
9716795
HAhahahaha Love that video.
9713353
he has spoken the truth.
to imagine that Griffon has the torso of a lion, it is rather strange that they are laying eggs (o.O)
9717556
That's exactly what I said lul. All the background research kept saying that griffons lay and incubate eggs.
I was like... alright I guess .-.
9717621
it's not impossible to imagine I think (not as impossible as imagining a griffon with a dog penis) This is the acting imagination ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Every instance of the world "parameter," should be "perimeter," I believe.
9721625
Checked and fixed. Thank you!
Geez, I hadn't realized that it was three weeks since he saw Dahlia last. Good to see them together again. I feel like this is probably about to happen anyway, considering it was stated that there is one more unused room in the tower, as well as Dahlia being a renowned treasure hunter, but I hope she joins up with the team in gathering those relics. And that also Celestia is able to remove the trespassing off her record and return her fine to her.
Actually, now that I think of it, everyone in the group seems to be suffering from loss or abandonment in some way, if you count defecting from a military group as abandonment.