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CHAOTIC MIST


this is my personal, fanfic accounti really hope you guys would like my fanfics. you can add me on discord

Comments ( 86 )

Thanks for the chapter! I always like a human story in Equestria, some may say that the first chapter was too rushed with a lot going on, but I say that it's still a good start as with it we can get a sense of Nick's character and that he is a good person. I will follow your story, waiting for the next chapter. And you already have my like.

But if I could know, at what point in history did he arrive? Is it still the first season?

My goodness not even first day and he nearly lost his arm man if I was in his position I don't know if I can handle blood loss like that. What gonna happen next.

You really, REALLY need to edit for grammar. I am not going to read a story when the author is unwilling to so much as capitalize the first word of a sentence.

Epic first chapter can't wait for more

11593983
I'll fix that on the next chapter and I'll go back on this chapter and fix it up soon.

I came in with low expectations and honestly......this was really fucking good, can not wait for more

11594110
Cool beans! I appreciate that. I shall read it as soon as the corrections are made. HiE stories are a guilty pleasure of mine.

Bringing my hand back down, I noticed blood.

(Oh, Great)

One piece of advice, most people recognize thought as in italics, not bold or in parenthesis, like this;

Bringing my hand back down, I noticed blood.

Oh, Great

This isn't a set in stone rule, but more of a commonly accepted agreement.

(Lucky they teach you this in first aid class)

You've either already heard this a million times or you will; show don't tell. This line is supposed to tell us that he knows firse aid, however the scene itself already does this. We see the he knows first aid because he's using it, so this line isn't needed.

Earth?... What's that?

Said the earth pony :ajsmug: Also, why would she assume he's talking about a planet?

You could really use and editor, but over all an okay start. I'll see where this goes for now.

11595064
Thank you for pointing that out for me, it's my first time writing a story I've have asked for a editor to help me but none of them didn't want to do HIE story so i gave up and tried my best.

But once again thank you for letting me know and I'll fix up this chapter soon

great start to a story!!!

hope he is well!

Nice beginning!
Just one tip, since you don't have an editor: pick a tense and stick with it. I will recommend the past tense.

aaand one nitpick:
heard Applebloom called out to me, before I lost conscience.
I cannot in good conscience not bring this to your consciousness:trollestia:

Pretty good so far! Can't wait for more

Not bad pacing, though some odd bits..
Let's say it wasn't a pocket knife, it was a survival knife. They are marginally throwable, being heavy at blade.

A few stray caps (Forest is a usual victim) and missing cap (everfree and applebloom). Her name's spelling needs some consistency, canon is Apple Bloom.

This was so wholesome I love it 🥰

Thanks for the chapter! I look forward to the next ones.

11618000
I see you took a bit of my idea and made Twilight a donor of his blood, but with Applejack also donating, maybe in the future Nick will have both the strength and endurance of an earthling and the magical ability of a unicorn.

11617991

11618000
Glad you guys are liking/loving this story and I'll won't disappoint you

Since that ponies have magic if Magic's in your blood and Nick got blood from Twilight and Applejack does that mean he also might get some magic. I say give 2 weeks and Nick going to think those female ponies look awful pretty.

Still liking the story so far, if I have one issue, it's the mention of family, Mainly it felt out of nowhere, maybe a line about AB reminding him of his sis. But still good and looking forward to more.

Awesome start for part 1, keep it up!

One problem I have

Fortunately, they found my wallet contained a card with my name and blood type, and it turned out that both Twilight and Applejack had the same blood type as me.

Unless they somehow have human blood and DNA, this is impossible. Interspecies blood transfusions are impossible as it would cause anaphylaxis among a multitude of other problems in the recipient, as the body would see the foreign blood as an invader and would react accordingly. Death being the most common and probable outcome.

11622341
My thought exactly. They would react negatively and probably die

Comment posted by Anomimo deleted Jul 1st, 2023

:twilightsmile: loved this chapter, keep up the good work

Comment posted by Ralanost deleted Jul 18th, 2023

Thanks for the chapter! Amazing as always!
And we mark the real beginning of Nick's adventure in Equestria, he will face many villains and challenges from here, I'm very excited to see how it goes from here.

And a small question, how much of the series do you intend to adapt in this story? And will you adapt Equestria Girls and the 2017 movie?
I ask to know what to expect from now on.

i love it!!! great start to a adventure!!!~

11622341
Fair, but on the flip side, they deal with multiple sapient species all the time, and would already know that.

So while blood type is most likely not the useful piece of data it would be for us, the more likely situation is that they know how to produce the blood from a sample that they currently had access to. Magic!

One thing that didn't feel right is[ "Ah, don't worry about it," Applejack said, still chuckling. "I should have known you'd pull something like that."] How could Applejack have known if its the 1st time that they truly met nothing he has done would have shown his playfulness like that. Its not bad just off.

How old is Nick and I'm kind of hoping he be a father figure for Scootaloo

Thanks for the chapter!
We almost had a repeat of what happened with Jason, luckily here we had Applejack, Twilight and Apple Bloom to defend Nick and act as defenders of harmony. Seeing as Nick and Apple Bloom are having nightmares I'm surprised Luna hasn't shown up yet.

11638950
That's good you like the chapter and for Luna not showing up yet in the realm of dreams is because Luna is still hasn't regained control of it yet

Actually I don't blame him for yelling. Some people won't get something through their heads until you snap. Twilight needed accept the answer she was given instead trying to force it to change.

11638956
Ha! Got it. It's just that since the story takes place in the second season, possibly after the second sealing of Discord, I thought she already had control back.

I'm glad that Nick got to see the town I wonder if he's going to notice that the mare outnumbered the stallions and I'm hoping that his natural sweat is somewhat a mare magnet when they smell it.

Fortunately, they found my wallet contained a card with my name and blood type, and it turned out that both Twilight and Applejack had the same blood type as me.

Hospitals never trust the patients word, cards, or dog tags. They always test your blood type themselves and blood typing is a pretty fast process. Reason for this is because giving someone the wrong blood can be catastrophic.

Monk

Thanks for the update!

Comment posted by TwistedNonny deleted Jul 16th, 2023

"Ok, I'm a human. That's what my species are!" I pointed to myself for example, She nodded, understanding.

Too many unnecessary exclamation marks

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