Not as Planned
Pinkie Pie Places Her Tongue on a Polar-temperature Pole
-ooooooo-
A perfectly pristine layer of white frozen precipitation covered everything from the ground all the way up to the tallest peak of Celestia’s palatial castle. Despite the peace inspiring weather however, the capital city of Canterlot was anything but placid. Banners were strung from arc to arc, pole to pole, all proclaiming that it was the ‘Winter Solstice Celebration.’
Foals laughed and played, throwing snowballs and prancing in the pure white snow as they appreciated the fleeting hours of daylight. Older ponies smiled and watched the children as they discreetly walked from booth to booth, quietly purchasing gifts for their loved ones. Other ponies ran and flew about, trying to make sure things went smoothly and that everything was prepared for the renewed Princess’s party.
Amongst all the commotion, however, was one pink earth pony mare with a head full of pink curls.
Unlike her usual self, she was unusually parked.
Unlike her usual self, she was unusually passive.
Unlike her usual self, her tongue was stuck to a red-and-white-striped pole.
Pinkie Pie tried to yank her head back and free her tongue, but it was no use. The temperature of the pole kept her tongue firmly stuck. For a brief, terrible moment, she feared she might be stuck until somepony else came by to see her in a rather compromising situation.
No it’s fine. Pinkie thought to herself as she attempted to calm the panicky beating in her chest. This is fine. Play it cool, Pinkie Pie. You’re a smart filly. You’ll think of something before—
“Really, filly?”
Pinkie Pie felt her blood run cold… well, colder as her sky-blue eyes slowly shifted to look behind her.
Rainbow Dash hovered just a little bit above her, staring at her with a look that seemed to be have been created by mixing equal parts disappointment and disbelief.
“I cen ekshplein,” Pinkie said as her tongue remained stuck to the freezing cold pole.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest. “This oughta be good...”
“Well wou thee… e… uh… e mahical, eeeevile… bluh… pinggwin apheeled flom de nega-north polwe.”
“… You mean the south pole?”
“Ywea, thaf! Swo he shows uf outh of nower end saiths, ‘I’mmm gownwa wule Ekwestia wit mai mahic eeeevile swape-swiften pwowerths!’”
“Uh huuuh…” Rainbow Dash uttered.
“Swo I sway, ‘Bwet wou ken’t cwange entwo e twaisty kendee kwain…’”
“… Riiiiight…?”
“End he’s wike, ‘Wath me, fiwwy!’ Swo, da mahical pinggwin—”
“Magical evil penguin,” Dash reminded.
“Wight! Dat ting… He cwangis intwo dith pole—”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Let me guess, you thought you’d defeat him by eating him.”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Ywea! Wight! Bwut swee… en da Souf pwole, itw’s lieke… opoosits… swo… metowel tasths gwood. End noww… wee’re booth sduck lieke dith.”
Rainbow Dash gave Pinkie a perturbed look.
“… De mahical eevil pinggwin end me, thaf ith.”
“…”
“…”
Rainbow Dash‘s eyes narrowed in accusation. “… You just thought that pole was actually candy, didn’t you?”
Pinkie Pie hung her head. “I juth taught thith pwole was ectuallee kendee.”
Still hovering in the air, Rainbow Dash sighed and shook her head. “Let’s get you offa that before somepony else sees you.”
Pinkie’s face lit up. “Wheelie!?”
“I can’t just leave you like this! And it’s embarrassing… for both of us!”
“Wou’re da bwest, Dwashee!”
Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Yeah, I know. Here, hold still!”
“Whoakay!” Pinkie replied enthusiastically.
Rainbow Dash flapped over towards Pinkie and wrapped her forelegs around the pink pony’s stomach. Flapping with all her might, she pulled Pinkie into the air as Pinkie’s pink tongue held fast to the pole, stretching out to an inequestrian length as Dash pulled her further and further from the pole.
“Ow! Owthies!” Pinkie cried out in pain as she flailed her now airborne hooves in the air.
“Stop resisting!” Rainbow Dash cried. “It hurts more when you resist!”
“Ywou’re stwetchin’ wit!”
“Well, stop fighting! You’re just making this harder on yourself by fighting!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed as her grip began to slip. She suddenly gripped Pinkie tighter and placed her hind legs around Pinkie’s, right below the pink pony’s flank.
Her grip tightened, Rainbow amplified her efforts and flapped harder.
“OW!” Pinkie yelped in pain and flailed her legs about. “Ywou’re stwetchin’ et ouwt swo fa’!”
“Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash cried in frustration. “This would seriously be easier if you just relax and let it happen!”
“Saphftee world!”
Rainbow Dash cocked an eyebrow as she continued to flap her wings. “What?”
“Saphftee world! Saphftee world!”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING!”
“WE DIDDINT PILCK UN WHELN WE STARDED, BUT DIS HURTS, SWO WI’M SAYING ‘SAPHFTEE WORLD!’”
“Girls!” A feminine voice called out. “You’re in public for Celestia’s sake!”
Pinkie and Dash turned to see Rarity staring at them, red-cheeked with a flabbergasted expression on her face.
Rainbow Dash let go of Pinkie, and smacked a forehoof against her own face as her cheeks began to turn slightly pink.
Pinkie’s tightly prolongated, taunt tongue suddenly pulled her forward at an alarming speed. The pole made a loud ‘clang!’ as Pinkie collided with it and slid down the pole’s cold, metal length into the snow below.
“Wowieeee…” Pinkie uttered dizzily from the ground.
Rarity frowned. “Wait, is Pinkie’s—?”
Rainbow Dash sighed as she continued to hover in place. “Yeah…”
“So, you were just—”
Rainbow Dash nodded. “Uh-huh…”
“But she’s still—”
“Well, obviously!” Dash cried in irritation as she motioned to the pole and pony.
Pinkie picked herself back up and stared at her tongue which now seem wrapped around the pole. Her eyes began to tear up and she let out a paltry, pitiful whimper and sat on her haunches.
Rarity let out a thoughtful hum as she examined the pink pony’s painful-looking pole problem. She turned to Rainbow Dash. “Have you tried pushing her?”
“How would that help?!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed as she threw her arms to her side.
Rarity pursed her lips. “Well… Could it hurt?”
Rainbow Dash rubbed her chin thoughtfully with a forehoof. “Well, it’s worth a shot I guess. What do you think Pinkie?”
“Anyting! Justh geth me flee bethore somepony elthe thees me!”
Rainbow Dash and Rarity nodded as Rainbow Dash descended to the ground. Both ponies were soon behind Pinkie, grunting as they pushed on Pinkie’s hindquarters with all their power. Soon Pinkie was pushed to the other side of the pole, but her tongue stuck fast.
“OW! OWTHIES!” Pinkie cried. “Ywou’re hurthing my rump!”
Rainbow Dash and Rarity ceased pushing and looked at each other.
“Hey! I have an idea!” Rainbow Dash said. “Why don’t I get her from the front, and you get her from the back?”
“Boowm! Fazing!” Pinkie exclaimed. “HwahwahwaOwth! Ooooh, it hurths to lauf.”
Rarity sighed. “Well, I’m up for trying anything once, darling.”
Pinkie paused. “Owkay, now ywour’re juth dowing it on purpoeth.”
Rainbow Dash trotted in front of Pinkie and pulled with all her might as Rarity stood up on her hind legs and pushed Pinkie Pie’s posterior with all her might.
Soon, Pinkie Pie found herself being pushed and pulled into Rainbow Dash’s stomach as Rarity continued to apply pressure from the back.
“Saphftee world! Saphftee world!” Pinkie cried as she felt herself being pressed between the two other ponies.
“What in tarnation is going on here!?”
Rarity and Rainbow Dash ceased their pushing and pulling and looked up to see Applejack gawking at the scene in front of her.
Rarity’s face flushed crimson as her eyes escaped contact with Applejack’s piercing stare. “It’s not what it looks like, dearie!”
Rainbow Dash shook her head. “Nope! Completely different!” she insisted.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Well it looks like Pinkie got herself tied up in a mess when she licked a pole that was colder than a cidercicle.”
“Oh,” Rarity replied, her cheeks returning to their normal white selves. “Then it’s exactly what it looks like.”
Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yep! Right on the money.”
“Ith efry pwony gowing to thee me like thith?!”
Applejack smiled. “Now don’t you fret none, Pinkie. We’ll get you out of there lickety-split.” She looked at Rarity then Rainbow Dash. “Have you tried pul—”
“Did that first,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Oh! Well then, how’s about push—”
“We tried that second, dear,” Rarity said.
“… Pryin’?”
Rainbow Dash scrunched her forehead. “Wouldn’t it make more sense just to ask Princess Celestia for help directly?”
“Pwease, no!” Pinkie exclaimed in a panicked tone.
“Not ‘prayin’!” Applejack exclaimed. “Pryin’! Let’s wedge somethin’ under that tongue to get it loose!”
“Thaths e gweat ithea!”
Applejack smiled. “Great! I’ll just see if any pony round here has a knife or metal spatula we can borrow, and—”
“That’s e tereeble ithea!”
“Uh, A.J.?” Rainbow Dash said. “Metal is what got us into this problem in the first place.”
Rarity spoke up. “And I think if we use a knife there’s a good chance we might cut instead of pry.”
Applejack frowned. “Well shoot, Ah’m plum outa ideas then.”
A butter-colored pegasus trotted up to the group of mares standing about the pole.
“Uh… Girls?” Fluttershy said. “I think Discord was trying to help make things more interesting at the gingerbread booth with his magic… But… er… all the gingerbread ponies the little colts and fillies have started to eat screamed and are begging to be put out of their misery… So uh… All the foals are crying and I don’t know—”
Pinkie turned and shot Fluttershy a piercing glare with her sky-blue eyes. “Mwy toengge ith sduck two dis sdupid pwole!”
“Oh my!” Fluttershy cried as she stared at her friend in concern. “Have you tried pull—”
“Did that,” Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack all answered.
“Oh… Then how about push—”
“Did that, too,” the chores of ponies replied.
Fluttershy’s face lit up. “How about pulling and pushing at the same—”
“Didn’t work.”
“Erm… Uh… Then… Pry—”
“Nowpe!” Pinkie said.
Fluttershy’s face turned pale as her ears flopped down around her head. “Erm… Uh… Well then… Maybe we can try… picking!”
The other ponies exchanged glances, then looked back at Fluttershy.
“Pray tell, how does that work?” Rarity asked.
Fluttershy swallowed and shook her head. “I don’t know! I panicked!”
“Girls! Girls!” A purple alicorn cried as she galloped up to the group. “I need your help at the gingerbread stand! I helped pacify the children, but the gingerbread ponies won’t stop…” Twilight trailed off as she probed the scene around her with her eyes. “Why is Pinkie’s tongue stuck to that pole?”
Pinkie sighed heavily. “Thith ith juth peethee. Thith ith ecksthacthly wath I wathed!”
“Sorry princess,” Rainbow Dash said as she motioned towards Pinkie. “We’ve got a problem here.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Those poor petrified pony foals will just have to be patient.”
“Heyl!” Pinkie said in a protesting tone. “Stop sthealing my schilck!”
The other ponies paused.
“Anyway,” Twilight said, “Have you tried p—”
“YES!” Rainbow Dash cried. “For the love of Celestia, we’ve tried or suggested all ‘p’ words!”
“You tried pickle juice?” Twilight asked in surprise.
“Pickle juice?” the other ponies exclaimed.
Twilight nodded. “Yeah! It has a freezing point much lower than water! It should thaw Pinkie’s tongue right off and she’ll be free!”
“Nwo!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“No?” Twilight said as she shot Pinkie a perplexed look. “But the pickle stand is just—”
“I haith piwckles! They thaith weirde!”
“Pinkie,” Applejack began, “I think in this particular case you better make an exception.”
“No, thith ith my lieth now,” Pinkie proclaimed. “I’ll juth live stulck two thith pwole until I dwie.”
“Hey girls!” a young male voice called out. “What’s the haps?”
The girls turned as Spike walked up to the group.
“Uhhhhgh…” Pinkie moaned. “Thuth… thuth invithe all ofth Ekwestia… Ywou cen sell twickeths…”
“Whoa!” Spike exclaimed as he processed Pinkie’s predicament. “Is Pinkie stuck? You know I can…”
“Not now, Spike!” Twilight said. “We’re preparing a plan to part Pinkie Pie from the precarious problem she’s in and pony feathers, you all have me performing it too!”
Spike smiled slightly and rolled his eyes as he strolled up closer to the pole, inhaled deeply, then exhaled. The air wobbled as Spike’s hot breath was pushed from his lips. The snow around the pole began to melt and soon Pinkie’s tangle tongue began to unravel, snapping back into the pink pony’s mouth.
“Owthies—I mean ‘owchies!” Pinkie exclaimed. She inhaled an enormous volume of air. “Spike! You did it!” she cried as she flung her forelegs out and wrapped them around the purple dragon.
Spike chuckled. “Twernt nothin’,” he said.
Twilight smiled. “Wow, Spike. I’m sorry I doubted you! Nice thinking!”
“Good work, little buddy!” Applejack exclaimed.
“Awesome job, dude!” Rainbow Dash said.
“Marvelously performed, darling.” Rarity said.
“Oh… erm… uh… Good job…” Fluttershy said meekly.
“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Pinkie began as she parted from spike and started to happily pronk away on all four legs at a prompt pace, “I believe somepony said something about gingerbread men!”
Twilight’s eyes went wide. “Pinkie, wait!” the purple princess cried as she placed a forehoof into the air.
Tiny screams of pure pain rang out, only to be drowned out by the shrieks of panic stuck foals.
“Oh my…” Fluttershy uttered.
Twilight sighed and shook her head. “Anypony have any premeditated procedures to support off-put pony progenies?”
The pony pack all turned and peered at Spike, prepared that the pint-sized purple biped perhaps had a perceptive proposal.
Spike simply shrugged. “Pyromania?”
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uh...right. have a thumbs up and a fav then.
If only this came out a bit sooner when I was being buried in snow last month. xD
Cute. That ending was silly. Twilight you're silly.
I actually quite like this. Unique and funny
What perfect prose!
This sounds just like something that could've happened in the show - excluding a couple pieces of dialogue.
This is adorable, and it really captures all the characters well. I found myself enraptured by this. A marvellous job; you've earned yourself a like and a favourite many times over,
No character in this fic actually made such a comment... it just had to be said.
Don't lick poles, Pinkie. You don't know where they've been.
Awesome!
And it always amazes me that people think pulling on someone in this predicament is the best solution. Twilight's answer is closest to the best possible solution, but has a certain...lack of appeal.
(For anybody wondering, the BEST way to unstick someone from a metal pole is to use a cup of warm water with about a tablespoon of salt added to it.)
5756628
Oddly enough, I looked up pickle juice as a deicer for this fic and it turns out it works very similar to what you described. It's basically salt water with some other stuff added.
Glad you liked the fic!
Try "palate", better alliteration.
5756710
Done! Thanks for the suggestion!
This looks promising. Pinkie Pie taking a page out of Scootaloo's playbook.
5756717
*Rape whistle*
Corrections:
Forelegs covers it I think.
5756757 Fixed! Thank you!
Heh heh, inyourendo innuendo...
it was good
Great
This was a fun to read.
Well done and a clever ending.
Have a Like and some moustaches.
I can explain.
I'll translate.
Pinkie: You see there was this evil, magical penguin that appeared from the negative north pole.
And he says, I'm going to rule Equestria with my evil shape shifting powers!
So I say, " I bet you can't turn into a candy cane!"
And he's like,"Watch me!" and he turns into a candy cane.
But in the south pole, metal tastes good, so he's like a metal candy cane.
And now we're both like this.
The evil magical penguin and me.
How about pouring warm water on the pole?
Hmm? Hmm?
The innuendos are simply overwhelming...
No. It's praying. As in I'm praying that you all survive long enough to get out of the hole you just dug for yourselves when Twilight comes out and has to be the straight pony.
...
Only you, Discord, would think that bringing edibles to life is a good idea.
That are cooked.
Technically everything is edible.
Is that what you're supposed to do when you're stuck to metal in cold weather?
The only universal solution to everything!
5757342 Enough comments?
5757325 "But we don't have any warm water!"
"I know where we can get some warm fluids REALLY fast!"
"Rainbow, are ya'll a-tryin' ta live up ter yer fan reputation?"
"What reputation?"
"Ah don't often say this, but ya'll need ta read fanfics more often..."
somebody likes Christmas Story
I can just see everyponies' expressions here, and I can't stop laughing.
5757559
Rainbow Dash promptly sees the psychiatrist.
"So what happened?"
"I read a fan fiction..."
"Yeah. You're screwed."
"WHAT!?"
"Oh wait... Yeah. Rule 34 of the Internet. Basically nothing is sacred. Ergo. I can't help you."
"ERGO! YOU ARE SCREWED!"
By the way does pickle juice really help?
5757747 Just like Rosebud frozen peas are full of green peaness.
How about a one-shot where Spike gets hit in the grapefruits in cliché occasions?
5757812 Pickle juice, soda, alcohol, hot water. Sometimes even your own saliva if its warm enough. You basically need a steady source of something either warmer or with a lower freezing point.
Too many P words! I loved it!
All I could think about was The Christmas Story
Loved it!
5758207 Yeah, I thought that if ever I did get my tongue stuck to omething hard you can just use saliva. I mean... it's not gonna freeze THAT fast...
5758338 Well the saliva part is from personal experience.
5758365 wow... Accident? Or did you think to yourself "hmm, I think I'll stick my tongue on to this (insert cold object here)? Wait, that's a Trollestia face... Soooooo, maybe you're just messing with me
Great read!
Although, with the innuendos in this story, I think you should have marked it "Teen" instead of "Everyone."
5758370 Nope actually happened. wanted to see if the myth was true. Mind you I was a stupid 10yr old when I did it.
Hah! I needed a good laugh, and you sir provided! Maybe now I'll be in the mood to continue reading your other works...
An excellently funny story. Well done!
i.imgur.com/BF6x9JM.png
Tag-A-Long's Book Club
Funny story. But, I feel like I missed out on some innuendos...I'm twenty and terrible at spotting innuendos. But, yeah, it was still funny and had alliteration.
Palate doesn't mean tongue, you know.
The headline from tomorrow's Canterlot Times:
5758514 Nope! But I never lose an opportunity to reference "The Critic"! Such delightful trolling.
5758983 Now say it ten time fast!!
Pyromania? Sounds like a perfect plan! In fact, I've long held it in my head canon that Twilight is secretly a pyromaniac. How could she not be? She's the Student of the Sun princess, mother of a dragon, owns a pet phoenix, lives in a tree full of flammable books, and her mane randomly bursts into flames sometimes when she's mad!