• Member Since 17th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Overlord-Flinx


I'm 40% jokes, 30% serious, and 20% romance. The Last 10%? You tell me.

E

It's an older sister's duty to push the more stubborn sibling to do what's good for herself. It may seem harsh at first, and it may take weeks of it to have the whole thing work out, but it'll work out sooner or later... At least Celestia hopes for Luna's sake.

Banished into the morning, Luna must take on the most challenging task she has ever faced. One of which she herself does not know if it is at all possible. Is it possible? Perhaps no one will ever know.

Picture provided by *johnjoseco of deviantART.

Tie in piece to: Elements of the Past and The Legacy of Harmony. As well as other chaining stories.

Chapters (5)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 46 )

Interesting!
I really like the picture as well.

You have my attention, please proceed. :rainbowdetermined2:

This has the potential to be fun, I eagerly await the fruits of your efforts.

Not a bad start. I wouldn't mind seeing where this goes.

A quibble.... The cover picture shows Luna in darkness, which is slightly odd for a story that takes place during the day.

Another quibble.... It's hard to see how Luna could be literally "older than Equestria itself" since we've seen how Equestria was founded (in the Hearth Warming story), and we were told unicorns controlled the sun and moon in those days. There's no mention of Celestia and Luna being around -- and what would their cutie marks even mean?

569929 For your first problem. The story takes place over many days and she tells stories (most of which she places at night since most of her memories are at night). I now the picture isn't an exact of the story, but it's supposed to be a small misdirection towards what will happen instead of what has happened.

As for your second, Luna is just boasting to children. :trollestia: It's common for an adult to try and stretch the truth to make themselves look and seem more interesting.

Interesting. A tracking is in order.
Alt. ending suggestions:
Luna has no success, and comes back to the castle friendless. Following Celestia's inevitable scolding, Luna decides to pony up and turns into Nightmare Moon again.
One of Luna's friends is shapeshifted Discord/Chrysalis, who uses the opportunity to get close to Celestia and take them both out.

Potential friends:
DJ PON3 ("night"-life?)
Derpy (makes any story more fun) :derpytongue2:
Spike (Celestia said no Mane 6, but never no Mane 6's assistant!) :moustache:
Trixie/Gilda :trixieshiftleft:
Future Shadowbolts
Iron Will

My interest has been doubled. A Luna story with the CMC. I do not see a dull moment coming in the near future.

Oh you know how to do a cliff hanger.... :pinkiehappy:

Derpy might make a cute friend. :derpytongue2:

I love the solemness that seems to come with the umbrella. Excellent prop choice, there. I love it.

This pleases me. The humor is good and the potential for expansion as Luna travels around Ponyville drawing an ever greater crowd with her stories is pleasing. Storyteller Luna is almost as amusing as Gamer Luna (or at least has the potential to be).

573787 I won't disappoint. I plan to make this (or at least attempt) to be deep while also keep a very level humor and fair, reasonable story elements.

This is nice. :twilightsmile: I especially love the way everyone kept interrupting the narrative. I almost lost it when Smiles joined in. As for the Pentawhal-
[Murry!]
...as for Murry, I've only one thing to say...

Narwhals, Narwhals!
Swimmin' in the ocean,
causing a commotion
'cause they are so awesome!

Narwhals, Narwhals!
Pretty big and pretty white,
they'd beat a polar bear in a fight!

Like an underwater unicorn,
they have a kickass facial horn!
They are the Jedi of the sea!
"They stop Cthulhu eatin' ye!"

Narwhals! They are Narwhals!
Narwhals! Just don't let 'em touch your balls!

Narwhals! They are Narwhals!
Narwhals! Inventors of the shish kabob!

574215 Funny enough, I thought of that while in the car and I was just thinking to myself: "What's the most strange thing I can think of... Narwhals, Narwhals, swimming in the-- OF COURSE!:trixieshiftleft: A sand Narwhal-- NO! A sand Narwhal with five tusks-- NO! A Sand Pentawhal... Geniusly over the top."

This has great potential I do believe. And why are there no Luna emoticons?!

Murry is best Narwal! :yay:

The ending there made me cry a little bit. Thank you.

601663 Thank goodness :pinkiehappy: . I thought it came out a little too lame.

It will be interesting to see your take on Luna's feelings during her banishment. I look forward to more.

I don't get the star swirl story :applecry: it's some kind of joke and I missed the punch line? :rainbowhuh:

730236 It's to set up future stories as well as establish that Luna had some sort of relationship wish Star Swirl.

732949
ah ok, thanks:twilightsmile:. the only thing I can say then is that I want the future stories now. :twilightsheepish:

LoL that was pretty evil of Luna, I love it :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

Ah, tales to stiffen a fillie's tail with fright. Well played my Princess.

"had planned to very well finish all the choirs before the storm arrived,"

While I'm sure Applejack has a lovely singing voice I'm pretty sure you meant chores.

"The cowpony made a final effort to corral the wondering sheep"

Wandering

"we're missin' a part of this hear story"

Here

762858 Thank you very much, I finished writing the story around 4 AM so I forgot to check over for the correct words. I'll fix it straight away.

*Manly tears shed along with Luna*

i forsee a large cloud of fog surrounding canterlot in the future.....or maybe not.

> "...Ya' brought a princess home?"
I half expected an answer of "She followed us. Can we keep her?" :trollestia:

762858

Well, maybe... But they could have been deeply philosophical sheep so deep in thought they ignored their surroundings until Winona yipped at them.

935382

This :rainbowlaugh:

Oh yeah EDIT:

Dear author,

Nice story

Reader.

Luna's been taking trolling lessons from her sister?:trollestia:

Waaait... how did the CMC know what it means to "study" someone?

And why'd the princess use "courtesans" in her story where three impressionable little fillies wouldn't have any idea what it means...

"Cutie Mark Crusaders Courtesans, YAY!"

... dammit, Luna.

Just some thoughts:

- Princess Luna begs Celestia to not force her to be sociable, but then it's revealed that she doesn't even know what's involved. Why does she assume it will be bad?
- In the show the trip from Ponyville to Canterlot can contain an entire episode by train. If Luna is getting there in minutes that's pretty impressive. (Also if it's such a brief trip, why does she want to use the carriage so badly?)
- I'm digging the concept by the end. I wonder what mischief awaits in the next chapter when the princess of the night joins forces with the cutie mark crucaders :o

I noticed your story on "I Just Want A Comment", and it looked really similar (by the synopsis) to one I just started. :rainbowderp: Maybe I'll end up getting a comment too? :scootangel:

This chapter reminds me of another fic. The Origins of Harmony, if I'm not mistaken.

3149253

- In the show the trip from Ponyville to Canterlot can contain an entire episode by train. If Luna is getting there in minutes that's pretty impressive. (Also if it's such a brief trip, why does she want to use the carriage so badly?)

Yes, but at the same time, Twilight and Spike made the trip by pegasus-drawn carriage in what seems to have been a fairly short period of time ("Friendship is Magic, part 1"), the whole group went from Ponyville to Canterlot for the Gala via stallion-drawn carriage in what appeared to be only a couple of hours or so ("The Best Night Ever"), and seem to have walked from Canterlot back to Ponyville within about five minutes ("The Return of Harmony, part 2"). Plus, the spires of Canterlot are visible from Ponyville, so realistically, they can't be that far apart from each other.

So, the transit time between Ponyville and Canterlot is clearly one of those Traveling at the Speed of Plot situations where it takes exactly as much time as the story requires it to. :derpytongue2:

As for why Luna wants the carriage? Probably because it's the "royal" thing to do. Or she's just stalling. :rainbowlaugh:

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Princess Luna Crusade For Friendship
Grammar score: 7 / 10

Good for the most part, but you have some spelling mistakes and a couple of sentence fragments.

Princess Luna, was grovalling before her sister

Should be grovelling with an e.

Luna was only able to take a few steps foreword

Should be forward.

Her own cloak growing heavy as her own sweat clung to the fabric and weighed her down.

Sentence fragment.

The snow count have mounted up pass a fillies entire leg length;

What?

Pros
-Loved all the scenes with the CMCs. You got their personalities right, and I always imagined that they had tried firefighting at one point, and that it went terribly wrong, so I lol'ed at that part in your story.
-You have Luna's voice down very well. You strike a good balance: Just enough thees and thous to sound like her, but not too much to be difficult to read.
-Luna's stories are all very well done.

Cons
-One day to make five friends? Seems a bit much to ask. Particularly since true friends, rather than mere acquaintances, can take years to make. But I digress.
-The section breaks in chapter two in between the story Luna is telling and the Crusaders' comments is unnecessary. It just breaks up the flow, and it's already clear what is part of Luna's story and what isn't. If you don't think it is, I'd just go with italics instead of section breaks. Also, make sure that you include a paragraph break whenever dialogue is introduced.
-That was a... somewhat abrupt shift in tone at the end of the third chapter. You went from light-hearted slice of life to serious business in just a paragraph.

Notes Section

Sunshine Smiles by name

A guard for Princess Luna is named Sunshine Smiles? That's ironic.

Using her own magic, like the gavel before, Sweetie Belle manipulated the door open

Sweetie Belle can use magic? Did I miss an episode or something?

-Five ponies, right? I'm guessing the CMCs plus Big Mac plus Granny Smith? Am I right?

Overall Rating
8/10

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Sufficient Unto the Day

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!