• Member Since 15th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen Dec 17th, 2022

Neon Czolgosz

"Violence for violence is the rule of beasts" - Barack Obama



UPDATE: COMPLETE! You may have heard of Pipsqueak. He's a pinto colt, originally from Trottingham, saved Nightmare Night from being abolished seven odd years ago. Know the one I'm talking about? Yes? Good. Since then he's grown into a charming, cultured hedonist who wants to bed near every mare in Ponyville and a good few of the stallions. He has a slender build and some ponies say he has mares' hips, though he feels that those ponies should shut their bloody mouths. His best mate is the gregarious and multi-talented Featherweight, and his other best mate is the stoic trencherpony and excellent cook Chowder.

This is the story of a Friday, and the wee hours of a Saturday. It's a teacher training day, and Pipsqueak and his friends have no school.

In twenty-four hours, a sinister plot to take down a local business is launched, Snips and Snails dabble in the dark magic of Peyuase, a great deal of debauchery occurs, a cocktail of unrivaled destructive power is created and a small fleet of ships are launched! All of this and more, in Pipsqueak's Day Off!

Massive thanks to LittleSallyDigby for help, editing and advice.

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 369 )

That's a very promising first chapter. Love the characterizations. Great work! Can't wait for more!

A little bit of Stark and a little bit of Casanova.

I've just read a bit, just a bit, on clover; it looks less like pot and more like qat. Maybe it's better when smoked?
Gives "Clover the Clever" a whole new meaning.

I dont know about Pipsqueak SAVING the holiday, more Pinkie and Twilight's thanks there.

Other than that, not bad.

This was bloody funny and cleverly written, some of the jokes within made me giggle damn loudly. Loving the characterisation and all that jazz - keep up the great work.

I expected this to be somewhat like "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

Pipsqueak: Pardon my Prench, but Featherweight is so tight, that if you shoved a piece of coal up his flank, in two weeks, you'd have a diamond.

Fuck yes, a FBDO fic. Keep it going, I'm definitely tracking this.

So, Snips and Snails are trying to pick up chicks by dressing like drag-queens and behaving like rapists. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png
Just another reason the fandom hates those two, there isn't a bus short enough for them.

I liked that this was fic about these characters in their late teens and they behave exactly like reckless hormone driven teenagers.

Peace Out.

awesome! :pinkiehappy: Insta Fav!

I could read this for featherweight's lines alone!
But why would you write it in present tense?

This is one of the best fanfics I've ever read. Give yourself a pat on the back, or a celebratory hit, or eat some bath salts and go munch on a tasty face, whatever you want to do. Eagerly awaiting more.

Fecking brilliant.
This is all about the humor from the Blueblood stories: the best part.
Nice nice nice. Keep it up mate!

Feature inc. Damn I'm loving it.

i enjoyed reading this fic! ^^

"Before we started this little deal he ate so many pastries he was legally pudding."
That is, without a doubt, one of the greatest lines I've ever read in a fan fic. EVER. I love this so much.

hope he gets with luna at the end :raritywink:

I am going to hit that tracking button so hard it comes out of the back of my computer.

this is good keep going:rainbowdetermined2::rainbowdetermined2::rainbowdetermined2:

When I saw schadenfreude, I knew this would be good. That is one of my favourite words and frankly I don't see it enough.

Regardless, that was one of the best stories I've read. The characterisation is fantastic, the language great (Love all the 'real' English in there as well) and this story sounds just like I'd imagine teen-aged ponies to be like If the show was for a slightly more mature audience. For some reason Pip is kind of reminding me of a mix of Captain Jack Harkness, Tony Stark.. and someone... I'll remember eventually. But Jack Stark Someone Pip is best Pip.

Want more.:rainbowwild:

849008 Wait, Jack Harness? Who the hell is that? :rainbowhuh:


From the Doctor Who spinoff Torchwood.


From the Doctor Who spinoff Torchwood.


Sweet, looking forward to your opinion on it :pinkiehappy:

841658 845595 845747 846072 846160 846381 846613 847396 848411 848572

Awww you guys are awesome :twilightsheepish:

841679 849008

With Pip, I was aiming for a sexually-deviant, arrogant Bertie Wooster. Why Tony Stark, btw?

Also Schadenfreude is totes awesome :rainbowkiss:


That one went through quite a few revisions, glad to see it worked!


I can only hope :scootangel:


His mother gets around, okay?


It's just a thing, I like writing that way. If I don't think it works at the end, I might change it to 3rd person.


Maybe behind the scenes, but the foals of Ponyville thought he saved it with his Scary Butt Fun.

845625 845639

I was actually thinking more Dazed and Confused or Superbad, set over 24 hours about a variety of different teenagers, but there's definitely some FBDO in there too.


Luna gets a mention, but that particular ship ain't sailing m'fraid...

I was talking about tense, not perspective. First person perspective is fine; I like it alot myself. But reading a story in present tense feel awkward, at least for the first 1000-2000 words.

Because Pip is just barely coming off as arrogant, like a very young Stark.
But given who you suggested , I'd say you hit the nail on the head.

Gah, I read present tense, I knew you were talking about present tense, I was going to write that I might change it to past tense, but it came out as third person. Brain doesn't work...


I'm definitely trying for slightly arrogant and a little callous when it comes to idiots. Slap me if I deviate too far from that in later chapters.

I haven't read this yet, I'm too busy now and to be honest will forget about it and never get round to reading it. Going by some of the comments it appears you have based Pip on yourself.


Ugh. When the notification popped up, I thought it was a comment from a proper person.

850385 Well seeing how you had to make a new account just to troll this story, I think the burden of explanation falls to you.


Nah, Rick Liddle Guy is a mate from IRL. He just be jelz of my amazing writing skillz.

850412 So you don't need a total stranger to defend your author's honor?

Carry on then. :twilightsmile:

I bet you the next chapter will involve Dinky giving them REAL clover rather than what they expected.

I imagined Pip being like Tony Stark as they have a similar personality in this story. I wouldn't say he's narcissistic like Tony but it sure as hell reminded me of him. He's also a complete womaniser... So... there's something at least :rainbowlaugh:

definitely not the sub-genre of romance I usually dabble with but its good that I find someone decent with it.

and its good that you know a bit of the trottingham lingo. but damn me that just can't be pip, suspension of disbelief on its limits. this just aint equestria and i cant say its all that bad


Pick-Up Artists are a real thing. I may be exaggerating a little, but not by much.

dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Spike_lolface.png Yes, but most women don't like men that dress in drag or behave like rapists with the exception of any glam rock band from the 80's, David Bowie, Tim Curry and Eddie Izzard.


Exactly. It's a vaguely mystical system backed up with lots of hypotheticals, weird rituals and sciency sounding stuff that claims to be a set of cheat codes for real life, like neurolinguistic programming or wing chun kung fu. The exact type of thing that would draw in dudes like Snips and Snails, because they don't have the basic knowledge to realise that it's shite.

Read this.
Read this.
Read this.

“Are you a dumbass, Pina?”


Read this. Still funny. :yay:
Read this.
Read this.
Read this.

Snails knows something about salmonella, Snails knows a lot about salmonella, and he's not going to stop talking about salmonella until he's satisfied that he's added his valuable input on salmonella.

Read this too! Mostly, anyway. That last "on salmonella" really sells the line- I can just hear Pip half-pausing to take a breath just before it. Now that I have a webcam I should record myself reading out loud sometime. Or possibly not. In any case- still brilliant. I love how Pip just drops the subject and goes back to "No, the market sounds fine."


I can hear this voice. In my head. It is ungodly amusing.
:pinkiegasp: NEW STUFF :pinkiehappy:


:rainbowlaugh: I nearly died. Featherweight is completely right about this one.

This muffin is what Discord feels when he's getting head from a pair of succubi.

"Huffing diabetes" was pretty funny. This is... I'm not sure what this is. But I like it.

They gaze, half-lidded, into each others eyes and sink into a kiss. It's a simple kiss, not a long kiss or a sloppy snog, but there's decades of love and passion packed into it. It makes me a little jealous, and more than a little horny.

D'awwwwwPIPSQUEAK. :twilightoops: Still, nice. Good to know there's no chance of any real homewrecking here. (Which reminds me- where are the twins?)

“Thanks for that, dearie. Honestly, the things I have to do for Carrot to sit up and take notice sometimes...”

Ohhh. :rainbowkiss: Clever girl. This is the aforementioned business, I assume... I like it.

Featherweight looks deeply bemused by this. “They've been married for years, can't she just say to him 'Dearie, please dip your spoon in my honeypot?'”

“It's a bit odd, I'll admit. I think she grew up with a bunch of Cosmarepolitans and dating guides that say sex and relationships only work if you never discuss the sex or the relationship with your special somepony.”

“What? Was Cosmare written for mute ponies back then?”

This is one of those bits that elicits not actual laughter, but a sharp derisive "HAH" at the recipient of the well-deserved mockery. Seriously, Cosmo, stop. Just stop.

That's Spike, Ponyville's resident dragon. I like the guy. He's cultured and well educated, he's an out-of-towner city kid like me, he's decent enough to cut loose but mature enough to keep his head and have your back when things go downhill, and I love the whole 'turning into a three-hundred foot greed monster' thing he's got going on. He spots us before we can call out to him, and canters over to us. He's giggling madly.

The greed monster thing has happened again? That's unfortunate.
Read this read this read this still funny rapist charades... new stuff!

It looks a bit like flirting, but it's not fun and there's no sex afterwards.

A wry summary.
Oh god, the wrenches! :rainbowlaugh: I love the indirect narration. It takes a hell of a movie to not be outdone by its own MSTing and I think you've used that fact well here. Plus, frankly, summoning wrenches is pretty cool.

“Yo, she's right there,” says Chowder, pointing towards the food stalls. Twilight Sparkle is trotting past Blendy's smoothie stand, saddlebags bulging. Snips and Snails see her, and-

No they're not.

-they walk right up to her-

Oh no they're not.

Oh God.
Oh, God.
This is going to be either an incredible flank-kicking or a masterpiece of awkward.
Let's watch.
:trixieshiftright: I have to admit, I wasn't expecting both. I'm impressed.

“I think they're on...” She pauses and looks from side to side, “The drugs."

:facehoof: Twilight, I would be disappointed in you if this weren't so in character.

“I think so, guys,” she says sadly, “I don't see anything wrong with clover or even a little bit of salt at parties, but I think they're into something worse. It could be super-strains of clover, concentrated salts, locoweed, slab, cake, magical designer substances, or drugs that don't even have names! If you could convince them to talk to Nurse Redheart...”

... and she sticks the landing! :raritystarry: With a remarkably reasonable explanation, too! Nicely done.

“Oh but Spiiike, they had books! Books! My one weakness!” Spike just rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

You write some good Twilight, sir.
... That is a ridiculous plot. How did that novel ever get published? For the lulz, I assume. :trollestia: And they are such wonderful lulz. As was this!


Awesome, a LSD commentary! :pinkiehappy:

Glad to see some of the newer stuff worked too :twilightsmile:

Oh, that bit about the novel at the end wasn't a joke. Switch 'Con Mane' for 'James Bond' and 'Tarandroland' for 'Russia' and that's quite literally the plot of 'From Russia With Love.' James Bond novels are trashy as fuck.

I'm glad i finally made time to read this. I wanna see Pip hitting the crusaders just to see there present personalities emerge. Update!!

Er hitting ON the crusaders....

OK, that was actually a pretty clever use of the unfortunate acronym that comes from my first standardized nom de Internet.
I still hate that acronym, though.
I should make a blog post about this, or something, just to get it on the front of my profile. "If you must shorten my name, call me Sally. Or Salu. Or Violet.* Anything that isn't LSD, pretty much."

*Yes, those last two are relevant. Try googling them. For best results, both at once.


Ahh, comic books reference! Not mainstream or British enough for me to get instantly...

...I feel like an undereducated lout now....


I'm a britfoal, so it'd be a bit of a poor show if I couldn't :derpytongue2:


No worries; the Legion is fairly obscure even within comics. And in any case, one day, when I'm not using hamstrung public wifi, I will educate you.


Speaking of the Legion, did you see Seanbaby's last comic book article on Cracked? The one that mentioned Bubble Boy's Backstory? I am in constant awe of that dude's writing abilities.


I try to stay away from Cracked.com (because I like having time for, I don't know, anything else), but I'm still guessing you mean Bouncing Boy.


Damnit, that's the one, not the one with John Travolta. Goddamn brain!

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