SEQUEL 2
The second sequel, Scootaloo and Pipsqueak's Sunny Saturday Morning, is now up. FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY! Contains M/F cloppery, stimulant use, mild facial bleeding.
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2068790
Yes there will, but they are currently on the drawing board rather than in production.
2119595
Hey there tli,
Loved First Contact. I envy people who can make nice, compact short stories like that, keeping good characterisation and nice clean prose, and still wrap it up. With a punchline too! Your Trixie fic is on my Read Later list.
I'm blushing from your praise, more so that you've listed me on the 'god tier' on your user page. I'm clapping with delight that the important scenes had the impact they aimed for, though I disagree that 'nothing is extraneous.' The entire scene in Beanburger Palace could have been cut with no impact whatsoever on the story. The scene with Mrs Cake could also have been cut without any major impact, and really could do with some tightening anyway. There's other stuff too; at some point I'm going to rework this thing for Equestria Daily submission.
If this story tickled your pickle, check out Rumble Splits Lickety, a cloppy sequel which stays close to the original feel of PDO, and Scootaloo and Pipsqueak's Sunny Saturday Morning, which caps off the Scootapip thread with some short, depraved cloppery. My current project is a sequel where they finally get the CMC+Spike+Pip fivesome, plus extra company.
Thanks for the praise,
Chuckie F.
2153548
All the more reason to be worried if Snails is doing it, yes?
2161599
Tell me which things made you laugh, and which things make you laugh as you read on, and I shall be a very, very happy author.
2161633
Oh wow, I wish I had been notified that you replied to this comment so I could have responded in a timely manner, when everything was still fresh in my mind...
At the time of writing that comment, the bit that got me was when Pip was describing Shady's crew, and ended it with "You know. Cunts." I had a really good laugh when everyone was getting high, and Pip didn't realize he was vocalizing his inner monologue, and also the part when he described the experience of talking to Snips and Snails as "Cancer, but without the closure." OH, and that part when Pip beautifully articulates the moment in time when he was just a small child, but his mind instantly became perverted and, despite not even knowing what a facial was, wanted to give one to Luna anyway.
The entire thing was so cleverly written and cheeky, those were just points that I can remember off the top of my head. Oh, and I'm kind of glad that Scootaloo sort of "stood up for", in a way, for Pip's asshole-ish personality. I actually LIKE Pip the way he is. There are "good" cunts, and there are "bad" cunts. Pip falls in the "good" category because despite his crass behaviour from time to time, he's still a good person at heart. Shady and his crew are "bad" cunts because they're actually assholes at heart. That's why I'm glad Scootaloo sort of sided with Pip at the very end and assured him that Sweetie was just being a moody, bitchy, moralfag. Hell, during that entire part where Sweetie was whining to Pip for being who he is, I was waiting for him to say something along the lines of "Oh sod off, if you really didn't like me, you wouldn't have been friends with me for this long!"
Anyway, I think the ending was great, and wraps up the crazy adventure of youth that the story went on. So many wacky things happened in that short length of time, and I can only hope to someday write something as sophisticated and intriguing as this like the way you do.
Edit: Oh, and I gotta say, I really felt for Pip when he missed out on that potentially awesome bisexual fivesome.
2178287 pipsqueak sounds like a magnificent basted to me.
2334906
That's exactly the word I'd use to describe him. Can't believe that escaped me.
Yes, he is definitely the most magnificent of bastards.
2335038
Very correct, though I disagree with your characterisation of Sweetie Belle. Pipsqueak is more of an asshole than you might first think, but that'll become more obvious when I do a Dayoffverse story from someone else's perspective.
Speaking of which, have you seen Behind Closed Doors, the final clop sequel to PIpsqueak's Day Off yet?
2335046
I actually started that last night before I went to bed (take that as you will), and I'm at the midway point right after Spike finishes banging Pip (honestly my favourite part so far).
I'll try and finish it up soon so I can give you some good, comprehensive feedback for all of your hard work.
2335064
Fuckin' squeeee. Can't even wait.
2335038 blame TV tropes. I honestly haven't read the damn thing.
Why did I leave this in my 'Read Later' pile for so long, absolutely fantastic. Gonna tear into the sequels when I have some private time later.
After reading all of this, this is my favorite story I've ever read.
Warning: This comment contains spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
When I first read the synopsis to this story, I was nervous about reading it. In my life, I've never smoked or did drugs, and I rarely drink and party. Going on an adventure with a hedonist sounded like something I'd honestly be repulsed by. But then I remembered something about The Maltese Falcon (I think): when I read the first part, there was some description about the devil that really offset me, so I talked with my creative writing professor at the time, and he said that literature allows people to explore edgy concepts, and to be a good reader, one should try and accept these views and get into the mindset. This advice has led me to some good stories before, so putting my reserved side aside, I went into this and read it.
And to be completely honest... this story is one of the few fimfics that I consider to be perfect. I wracked my brain for a while, and I can't find anything I found unsatisfying about it. Yes, it's hedonistic and crude, but it comes off as edgy and less of an attempt to wow people with flashy edgy material and more like a glimpse into a person's story. The characters are enjoyable, the set-up is great, the events are entertaining, and the wordplay is magnificent. I don't know if you were expecting some sort of criticism, but at the moment, I can't give any.
The most striking thing I found with this story is its tone. It's pleasure-seeking, but it has heart to it. I very much like how there's a reason people need a fix—that being the bunch of crazy stuff that happens in Ponyville—to make it seem realistic. I also like how it's not all malicious; that moment with Pip and Mrs. Cake was nice. The story takes the concept of teenagers have a party and act rambunctious and stupid, and presents various facets of it with both an enjoyable fun image and a dark side. It's a journey of chemicals and debauchery that made me feel like a cool person for following them, with enough sense to realize when things were going awry.
I think all of this is made possible with how well Pip himself is written. He, himself, is a person that seeks debauchery and fun, but deep down he's a person that desires attention (at least, that's what I got). It's written in the first-person point-of-view, which makes me think the story's trying less to establish a commentary on the situation, and more trying to entertain us; Pip has a willing ear in the audience, so he does his best to show us how being around him is jolly good fun. He's likable to a point, and there's great moment when we're supposed to think of him as conceited; not only does that make him a more believable and attachable character, but it also makes the self-revelation much more believable. I also like how he's honest, not willing to embellish the water polo game to make himself look good.
Two aspects of the story make Pip's character great: the wordplay and the present tense. The wordplay is marvelous. The phrasing is great, and the words used give him a distinct personality and pace to him. The beginning dream sequence literally had me backing away from the computer going "Oh damn!" This bit in particular stuck out to me:
The pacing of that makes this seem much more relaxed, and makes the thought of lying on Chowder's massive gut seem much more appealing, as well as giving the situation some edge. His whole explanation about Shady Days and his crew is beautiful as well, almost like a bemused comedian would say. The present tense, I feel, works to the story's advantage. Pip's trying to show us how this day is going to be the best, and he has no idea that it's going to be messed up by the end, so there's no feeling of remorse or hindsight in any of it, making it feel much more in-the-moment and just wanting us to enjoy his lifestyle. I think that was a good move.
The other characters are also enjoyable. I like Featherweight's relaxed smooth-minded-yet-awkward attitude, making him a sort of counterbalance with Pip's energy, giving the story a sense of pleasurable wit to it. Chowder is the lovable big guy, and I think out of all the characters, he was my favorite overall. The CMC's portrayal—Apple Bloom's hard-working and hard-partying ways, Sweetie Belle's sweet side, and Scootaloo's rough competitive ways—seem to fit what they'd be like if they grew up, and you handled their character well throughout.
The villains are the typical villains, which isn't at all a bad thing, and I like how you had Shady Days as unironic in his talk, and even scheming. I wouldn't imagine Dinky Doo as a drug dealer, and I still can't justify that, but I have to go off of what's in the story, and she seems to fit into the world perfectly, like she could actually be this if this happened. Snips and Snails were good, and I like how Pip changes from thinking them as merely retards and actually considering them as actual characters near the end (also, f***ing salmonella. *slow claps*). Pina Colada was enjoyably annoying while the other "fillies" give it a nice personality. Lickety Split was very enjoyably flamboyant, and this:
had me laughing very hard. Spike was cool as a smooth man, and I don't have any complaints from the rest of the characters. I think you handled the characters very well.
The descriptions are great, as they should be for a story meant to entertain. The experience of smoking and of imagining mares doing things with him pulled me in, and I don't think there was any moment that left me feeling disappointed. There were two parts where your description shined for me. The first was when he described the CMC's body types. That image of Sweetie Belle having a little bit of an attractive jiggle was beautiful, and describing Apple Bloom's and Scootaloo's athletic bodies in different ways shows a keen eye to differences, and I appreciate that. The second part: I like how you gave the dance scene a little bit of time, with his dancing with Twist and then Scootaloo. You give this time, to show that he can be entertaining on the dance floor, but you don't give it much more than that, which I think is great. This is Pip's story, and he finds the drunken barely-conscious dancing the others are doing as mundane (I think), so he takes us to the room he's going to to keep us more entertained. I think that's genius.
And then there's the plot itself. The hedonistic parts are entertaining, first beginning with the small-large breakfast, and then going to Sugarcube Corner to rekindle the Cakes' relationship. They go to the lake and swim around and play water polo (finally, something I can relate to!
). These small pleasures give the story a nice feeling, making it not all about chemicals and debauchery; I found these nice moments pulled me in much easier, and the personalities of the characters playing off of each other had me invested.
The chemical-stuff is laid back, which is still nice, and the getting-ready-for-the-party scene was both upbeat and frenetic, which I felt was a good choice. The party happens, and it's upbeat and bombastic, but that gets less attention (rightfully so) and the others bond with close confessions and communion (and I don't mean religious; I read in a book that people getting together and sharing substances is communion, and you use this technique in a proper setting to bring characters together—and to get a great unexpected laugh from Lickety Split) before everything descends into chaos. Luckily, the others are clear-headed enough to realize that everything's descending into chaos, and then things get serious. The change of heart seems to come at a good time, when Pip's hedonistic ways makes him be inconsiderate towards a person and he finally has to face up to his own flaws via Awesome Belle.
The arson thing, I'll admit, was unexpected, but the way the whole PUA-bollocks ties into it gives both parts a new dimension. Things were getting serious, and Pip had to stand up and do the right thing, which he did. The confrontation between them was not action-packed, and I don't think it needed to be, since this was Pip's POV and he was focused on being pummeled. When we get past that, after a satisfying resolution to the problem, everything ties up: Pip sorta redeems himself, neither Featherweight nor Dinky get their respective crushes' attention but find each other, Lickety gets a boyfriend, Snips get advice from Pip, and Pip gets a (potential) girlfriend. I like how everything ties up, how nothing, not even that recording bit at the beginning, was there just to be there. Everything tied into it.
And I need to talk about this:
This was the icing on the cake; this basically made the story for me. There's a genuine appreciation for the kind soul here, making a lug-of-a-pony from just that to an integral part of the lessons Pip learns. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy, I'll admit, and I thank you for that.
There's one more important aspect I need to talk about: Pip's thoughts being said out loud. Throughout the story, Pip is telling his story and one of the other characters, mainly Featherweight, give him some extra information. That gives the present tense more validity and significance, and it's a clever bit of character-play in the story. I especially like how Featherweight finishes Pip's thought for the last time in the story, and is wrong about what he's thinking. I thought that was genius, and some brilliant character-play.
Overall, you may've been expecting some criticism against this story of some kind, but I honestly have nothing at the moment. I like the characters, the plot, the setting, the pacing, the wordplay, and the prose. There was no consistent problem with the spelling or grammar I caught, but that's not really important. What really sticks out is the experience that comes with the story. It's hedonistic and yet honest. It's filled with colorful characters and experiences, but they're there to entertain and not just to be cool. The flaws make the story more real for me as well. Sorry if it disappoints, but I think this is perfect. I may come back to this story—because fuck all if I'm not favoritiing it—and think there's something wrong with it, but for the moment, it's just brilliant.
I wish you the best of your talents with future stories!
3123049
Missed opportunities, from a time you can't go back to?
This is one of the best fics I've read on here. I wanted to get around to it because I'll be writing my own aged-up Scottaloo story and watned to get a feel of what's out there.
Around Chapter 4 when the hallucinating started I thought I was reading some bizarre My Little Pony / John Dies at the End mashup.
Cracking. Thanks for sharing it.
I just wanted to thank you for this story, I really really really loved it
. This was my first fanfiction on this site and it inspired me to go and read more. Thanks to you I found this site and i am loving every second of it (even though im on too much now
). This story motivated me to venture deeper into the fandom and make LOTS of friends with authors i liked and just people
This story even inspired me to write my own (even if i havent touched it in a while) fanfiction.
In short: Thank you, Thank you for everything
So, I finally read through enough of my 'read later' list to get to this. Then i devoured it in the course of an afternoon. This is one of those good stories, the kind I pick up and don't put down until I'm done, all other commitments be damned.
You have a gift for amusing turns of phrase, but more than that you put ideas of substance behind them. Bravo.
Sequel with pip and spike
Please
Pipsqueak is such a charming rogue, handles stuff like a sir
4457200
Aye. I have a special kind of loathing for PUAs, especially those who peddle it, because I know there was once a time when I could have been sucked into it, and it would have been to the detriment of so many good friendships and relationships I'd had afterwards.
man i loved this fic. i didn't get most of the words pip said but this has to be one of my favorite fics.
4598744
A little bit. Gary is one of my favorite characters from Bully, and pretty much the only one whose voice acting doesn't make me cringe with pain.
4864264
This is true, I am. The sequel is, if anything, even more evil.
Hey, I wrote a review for this story. In case you are interested, it can be found here.
Overall, it is a very funny story, as good as it could be given the subject matter. Loved the characterizations and Pipsqueak's character arc.
5482733
It's a pastiche of various experiences during sixth form and university, as well as various teen movies. So i dunno about bad, but it's not entirely surprising.
5624355
That story would be Behind Closed Doors.
I usually hate fics like this. I usually hate the profanity, sex, ect. I usually quit reading fics like this one after three paragraphs.
This fic is like someone combined twenty fics filled with boring OCs and misplaced profanity and worked a miracle. Someone put witty (and properly used) dialogue, interesting characters, and legitimate morals in those twenty combined fics. Then he made it fucking brilliant.
I don't know who the hell you are Chuckfinley, but you deserve every upvote, positive comment, and follower this fic has given you. People like you are why I have an open mind.
This story is excellent! Might be my new favourite comedy on fimfic - it juggles so many fun and interesting characters, gives them all the room to shine, and then throws in some delicious drama.
I love Pipsqueak. He's the perfect kind of suave sort-of arsehole for a protagonist. He was a joy tp read.
I think I could actually just go on forever about what I loved about this story, actually, so I'm just going to curtail it and add this to my top shelf.
8249315
i'm a slut for praise, go on as long as you like
I can't believe I waited this long to read this. Aragon recommended it to me a few months ago after I told him A Gay Old Time was my favorite story on the site, and he told me it was but a tribute to this masterpiece. I can definitely see why. This was an amazing comedy with some hilarious and well-written characters, and the plotting was tight and well-planned.
I now see why Aragon is intimidated by you - I need to read your other stories now.