I'm 40% jokes, 30% serious, and 20% romance. The Last 10%? You tell me. Ko-fi: https://ko-fi.com/overlord_flinx
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The Cutie Mark Crusaders oath: "When your flank is blank and all your plans have pretty much sank, look to our rank and our unstoppable think tank!" No matter the call, A crusader would help... Even for a colt. But even a colt has to follow the code of the crusader.
One-shot.
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Dis gon b gud.
Lulz were had.
Another story by overlord?! This is going to be badass!
I think you're missing a "Sweetie Belle said" in there. As it is right now, it's kinda awkward.
Oh my god Pip asking if he was a crusader made me go hnnnnnng!! Your got his form of speech just right.
This is really good writing. There's a freshness in the tone that not only makes each character sound unique in their dialog, but their mannerisms as well. And the length is just perfect. This is really a good piece and rather inspirational. You show quite a lot with very little. Very good job here.
Also a minor error:
Should be there are very few honors.
*Raises a finger, opens mouth.*
*Thinks for a moment, closes mouth, drops finger.*
*Scratches chin, raises finger and opens mouth with much more conviction*
The fuck? Now, don't get me wrong, that was well written, rather nice actually, I enjoyed my read. But that would leave my "The fuck" without purpose now wouldn't it? As I said before, this is very nice, I even gave you an upvote, but come on. This was like ordering a three course meal and only receiving a scrumptious appetizer and maybe a glass of red wine. Where's the steak? Where's the dessert? This is at best a top-shelf introduction, a prologue even. Where's the meat? 1,100+ words of story ending on an open note? That's criminal is what it is! I feel like I've been horribly blue-balled, by a high class escort that I paid in full. It was sweet, but the equivalent of eating an M&M that someone broke off of an M&M cookie. How can this be so good yet piss me off so badly? I don't understand! ... but good show.
Loathe,
Your Antagonist
2006511 The one-shots are more or less back drops. If any of them do really well, I'll feed a chapter or two into them later.
2006511 I have to agree with Antagonist.
Kinda like... you were building up for something that never happens. I expected something... sort of... uh... more? Like... um... what's the word for it? It's on the tip of my tongue... ah yes! A plot. That's it. Why couldn't it have been, the cmc wont let Pip join, but then their parents / legal guardians hassle them about it, and they give it an let Pip join. A small but decent plot.
Not bad for a quick read though. Thumb'd.
2006840>>2006511
My plot hunger approves.
I want another, this is great.
2006245
Actually, I have seen it written like that many a' times. It can be done using a "*character name here* said" but also after doing an action during a beginning line of text. SweetieBelle shrugged when she was interrupted by Scootaloo and AppleBloom, thus making it so you don't need to say that she continued to say something.
Now, to my review of this one-shot. I absolutely loved this, I always(haven't seen one I hate at this time) have loved your stories, and although I loved this, I do believe this could be continued and more elaboration could be put upon it. I understand this is a one-shot, but "Of Challenges and Kisses"(http://derpy.me/kfHS2) was as well, and with more elaboration made it more popular and people loved it. So, while this one-shot could remain a one-shot, I think it can be developed into more then what it is.
-Sneaks
2006245
Grammatically speaking, the proper punctuation using this phrasing would be: "No! He said he wanted to be A Cutie Mark Crusader." When Scootaloo and Apple Bloom gave Sweetie Belle a strange look, she shrugged. "My sister talks with cloths in her mouth all the time."
When interruptions of dialogue are used to communicate who's speaking, a comma (or comma fill-in ei: and exclamation point or question mark,) is only used to attach the phrase to a dialogue tag:
"No! He said he wanted to be A Cutie Mark Crusader," Sweetie groaned. When Scootaloo and Apple Bloom gave her a strange look, she shrugged. "My sister talks with cloths in her mouth all the time."
The break of the dialogue is still part of the greater sentence because there is no dialogue tag (ie: said, snorted, growled.) However, if there is no dialogue tag, the dialogue must stand by itself with a period (or proper punctuation) and the interruption would be capitalized:
"No! He said he wanted to be A Cutie Mark Crusader." When Scootaloo and Apple Bloom gave her a strange look, she shrugged. "My sister talks with clothes in her mouth all the time."
Also, as a side note: "clothes" is spelled with an "e" between the "h" and "s," unless, of course, you mean that Rarity often speaks with towels in her mouth.
But I still must agree with the other readers; while skillfully written, this vignette was rather anticlimactic. Just exploring why being a CMC is such an honor would be a great story! Or even the hardships that Pipsqueak would endure at school, being the only colt in a club full of fillies. Why does he want to be a CMC in the first place (aside from the obvious.)
Never be afraid to add depth to your stories; if we didn't want to read something decently long and compelling, we wouldn't be on this site (aside from a choice few, but you don't really want those readers anyway.)
Very adorable. I'd love to see an episode like this.
Short and sweet, and easily expandable. AWESOME! Seriously, we don't get much of this, regardless of the author or story. I'd like to see more of this.
It's short, sweet and cute, and it had a lot of great oneliners in it. I particularly liked the ending. Faved to keep track of any sequels or blogs regarding expanding this thread of thinking.
2011234
Could be clothes. Could be cloths without meaning towels. She is a seamstress, after all - working with fabrics is what she does for a living.