- Member Since 9th Jul, 2013
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shinigamisparda
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shinigamisparda
Joined 9th Jul, 2013 ·
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I expect great things from you, my boy. Great things...
You have my preemptive fav.
You have increased my interested levels from 8,000 to 9,001.
Why is this in the no originality brigade?
I was sad when the first one ended. Now I am happy that the sequel is out. I'll wait semi-patiently for more.
Yesssss
FUCK. YEAH.
5467012 That would be the Chess Games-verse
nice
5467040 Thats most, my LOHAH is nothing like that.
5467040 Now you see, that's wrong.
The LoHaV, and it's sister group, the League of Humans acting Heroically, are not as you say.
Not true, some names are that of friends, family, or other closely related people.
Well, sadly I will give this one, I was actually thinking of doing on of my own design, but I digress...
Again, not true. Some are deemed villains straight away and haven't done a thing to single soul, but do so eventually due to succumbing to their inner instincts, based on their character of coarse. Others are redeemed, and are granted many things like Kinghthood, Royal Ally, and even ruler of their own little spots of land.
...Are you fucking stupid? Most, if not all the stories have some mention one way or another that they were once human, and some have even said that they would wish for everything to be normal again.
On top of that, The Chess Game-verse is literally the same thing, but instead of the merchant sending the people, it was the "Gods" of Equestria, and different universes, like Gravelord Nito, and some others that I don't want fucking name because...
I single handedly destroyed their group from the inside out...
Even more worse than the obvious self insert and LOHAV bullshit pulled here is the fact that he named the planet, "Equis" That's a pretty stupid crime right there.
Thanks for this great story. It's off to a great start.
5467074 Sorry, but any human becoming an over powered character from another universe is a horrible concept. There is no reason for it to exist. It should have died before now, but it's still here for some reason.
5467012 5467071 5467074 5467109 Ok, guys? Please give it a rest. I appreciate those of you who like my story, but please don't drag his out into a flame war, I think we've all been on the internet long enough to know these things don't go anywhere.
To those of you who don't like his genre, I'm sorry that you write off any story just because it has a premise you dislike, but I get it, there are some things you just don't like, and I respect your right to enjoy diffrent things. But please do not post comments here just to express your dislike of something. If you continue this I will delete your comments. Just downvote if you wish and leave, because you obviously don't want to be here.
You said keep an eye out for this and I saw it out of the corner of my eye just as i was about to log out and go to bed.
I'll have to flag it for later though as I am knackered.
Nah! As the Avatar of Combat, Gilgamesh is the best one to teach the ponies how to fight.
5467012
I'll admit LoHAV fanfics are usually all horridly godawful shallow wish fulfillment fantasies, but you cannot deny there are a few golden nuggets of corn in the massive shit pile that is LoHAV.
To read now, or to read tomorrow with pizza? Or to actually write something like I've been procrastinating for two months now.
5467168 Well, it can't be that bad, if you are atleast commenting on a story about it.
5467320 You don't like Changelings and want them to be exterminated? You think they are small, parasitic, emotion-eating dumbags?
Speciest!
I don't see what you have against Changeling OC's, actually, I think Changelings are awesome, so please explain to me why there shouldn't be OC's being changelings, I'd like to improve my knowledge by adding reasons against Changeling OC's.
imagizer.imageshack.us/a/img545/531/yvxa1.png
5467320 well fan fiction is by definition just something the author wants to see or do with existing material. And why do people who clearly dislike this kind of thing even bother to comment. ITS FUCKING FREE if you dont WANT to read it then DONT. all caps makes me rawr
5467132
I guess the story is not the product of the personality.
You know, the most infuriating part of this entire thing to me is that I like you as a person and can see that you're not so bad (despite not having an avatar), yet you wrote this.
Also, I got that you have 6 tags in your story (
), but there's no Alternate Universe. Crossover has certain properties, but this isn't in canon Equestria because it's not on the planet Equus (or, in the misspelled title, Equis) canonically (as in, no official merchandise or property of Hasbro has ever alluded to the planet being called Equus), therefore this is an alternate universe and breaks continuity. I haven't read into this and noted any explicitly non-canon story elements, but seems to me you need that one.
Adventure and Crossover both seem necessary, and Romance if you're going to be putting a romance plot device in this story (oh man, they all need one of these, don't they?). Comedy probably won't be a strong enough theme to merit a tag, especially if you're going for something darker as you say you intend to do. Tragedy tells us it's going to end with death of a main character whom we have grown attached to, so at least we won't hate you for not warning us what's going to happen; you would be the best judge of that tag. If you'd like some help in understanding how story tagging should be considered, I actually found a really good blog post for it over here.
I mean, any story with six tags is considered to have too much going on, as if the author doesn't even know what they intended. It's actually the mark of a bad story when you have six tags. I'm not saying your story is bad, but do you even know what you want to do with this? It seems to me that your story is going to be all across the board (and ultimately less enjoyable) due to an overabundance of tags.
Also, unless the character is a pony, they're not OC, they're Other. Not sure if you mixed that up in the character tagging, but thought I'd note it.
It's a LoHAV, except the main character's even more of a Gary Stu.
Sound appealing now?
I do understand that there was a League of Humans Acting Heroic at one point, which was basically the one that made this template; that is, human cosplayer gets sent to Equestria, does stupid things, everyone loves him. So I'm going to call this a LoHAH. And yes, it is even worse than a LoHAV.
Really, though, I wish I could downvote this harder.
5468132
Is the comments section of a story that you admit you haven't read really the right place to rage against an entire genre? You might try the LoHaV group's forums if you want to address the various LoHaV authors and try to do whatever it is you're trying to do.
It's a bit rude to soapbox in the comments sections and distracts from criticism or praise directed at the actual story.
The Gilgamesh sequel's up? Hooray!
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/871/528/59b.gif
Wait, why's it Rated M? Can't be that ba-
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/877/446/1c0.png
… Holy Jesus, shit's about to go down. Cerberus dead, the gates are knocked in, WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? What, Tirek's gonna come in and steal all of Gilgamesh's strength? Wait a minute…
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/788/745/dfa.png
Oh, shit. That's really gonna happen isn't it? And since the power of friendship doesn't go very far in a rated M story…
Well, things are about to get dangerous! MIGUEL! Time for some fitting tunes!
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/875/895/fae.gif
Good luck, Gilgy! *whisper* You're gonna need it!
5468132 Well there has been no real criticism about the story from any of your comments. So therefore they are pointless.....I hesitate to say hate cause that isn't it. But the point is that there IS a difference between pointing out flaws like bad pacing or errors in grammar and straight up flaming because ew its LOHAV.
5468348 Clearly you are not very familir with most stories. Read the tale of Sun Wukong and then talk about OP Gary Stu.
5468541
Comparing a piece of poop to a bigger piece of poop does not change the fact that you're comparing pieces of poop.
5468564 it also does not change the fact that you are here for no reason. Why did you comment in the first place?
5468678 Its fine to criticize but to many people don't and simply post that and idea (and by extension a story) as being utter crap. I just don't get why people hate so much on things they could simply ignore and leave it for the people who do want it.
5468624
I wanted to offer some advice so as to make first impressions slightly less revolting over here: 5467915
You're right, though. I should review this.
As I've already said, I like you, shinigamisparda. This isn't because your story is inherently worse than a black and red alicorn OC fic, but it's because some people seem to think this has all of the elements of a wonderful story and isn't ultimately a slave to its genre, and they have challenged me to prove it is.
Well, mostly just one person. But who's counting a minority opinion anyway, when you look at your upvote/downvote ratio?
Title comes first.
Glory. Okay. He's a very honorable samurai or whatever. I can't really tell.
Equis. Not Equus. Not canon however you spell it.
>checks tags
>no Alternate Universe
Already failing to follow proper tag rules literally four words into the title.
Epicness. A made-up word.
thumbs.dreamstime.com/x/businessman-holding-gun-to-head-6879897.jpg
What I wouldn't give to be this man right now. I get the distinct feeling I'm going to hate myself by the end.
Short description comes next.
Is? Okay, so this is the first in its installment. This is when the cosplayer is sent to Equestria as his outfit.
Oh, um... what? So, he is sent to Equestria as his outfit after much work that earned him the world's trust? I'm guessing the world's trust to be Earth in this case, seeing as "the world" is a pretty vague definition of where you're referring to.
Oh, that's what the premise is for the new season of Dragonball Z. I liked watching that when I was 14 years old, too. Not that there's anything wrong with being 14 years old.
Next up is your cover art:
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/240011.jpg?1420438128
Wow. I mean, I get short-selling a story that you just intended as a silly one-shot, but this seems like anything but. You couldn't even be arsed to ask someone for a Gilgamesh fanart so it looked like you put some remote effort into the big catch-all picture that's supposed to enrapture us?
Seriously, that's an in-game screenshot. He has Japanese characters over his head. How lazy of craftsmanship is that? I get it, it's all about the story, but if I put a pile of asses as the cover picture for my dark fic, would you read it? This picture is the figurative pile of asses to me because you literally put in as little effort as possible while still being able to claim "it's story relevant." Like, what is this even supposed to convey? That you play Final Fantasy? It does absolutely nothing for the story, and it's the one picture you get.
All right. Let's check the original story...
>just shy of 100k words
Yeah, I'm glad I picked the incredibly short (so far) sequel to review. I would seriously ragequit and not even post if I had to read 99k words of what I'm already dreading.
Why? Do they have Final Fantasy in Equestria--er, I'm sorry, Equus, seeing as this isn't in Equestria and it's not an Alternate Universe, meaning he has to be in an altogether different land? I've never gotten the notion that ponies may play Final Fantasy. Hell, I haven't even seen an allusion to that with Button Mash.
makeameme.org/media/created/well-thats-original.jpg
Why should I even bother reading, then? If all you want to do is suck your character's dick, then suck it. You don't need to share how great it is with us in story form.
You know, I think that's why LoHAV sucks so badly. It's simultaneous wish fulfillment, fantasy character worship, and self-insert. It's three generally bad premises condensed into one, and you have to have done at least one of them wrong.
The least you could have done was mark sex on it too. At least then there'd be some clop for your avid readers to look forward to. You're going to be shipping with a Mane 6 anyway, I know from the Romance tag; why not describe your character's amazing studliness (yes, I can make up words too) in her bed? I mean, while you're hopping on bandwagons, may as well go for the biggest cash cow there is. You've already got the mature tag, a little clop isn't going to go unappreciated by your fellow pubescent head-nodders. Give 'em a gift, sort of a "thank you for making it through 30k words of me showing you how awesome my self-insert fantasy character wish fulfillment is, let me illustrate the insertion of his penis into a vagina." At least give them that, you heartless monster.
Actually, now that I think about it, this chipmunk is probably going to be my reaction to most of this story.
You know, when I initially read this, I wanted to object to the usage of the word "fuck," but then I realized he's a crossover from earth through a Final Fantasy filter into Equestria and the word "fuck" exists on earth, therefore the Alternate Universe continuity break does not apply here.
Anyway, this sounds like a really dumb ribbing that's like masturbating with sandpaper. We get it, he's supposed to be funny; let him be funny by his character, not by him saying dumb things.
JESUS CHRIST
SO MUCH GORE
THANK GOODNESS YOU HAVE THAT GORE TAG
MAYBE WE'LL GET TO SEE A BONE POP OUT BY THE END OF THE FIC
I mean, if you're putting in the gore tag, then you're going to glaze very briefly over when someone is hurt in your very first paragraph, proving to your readers in the very first sentence that you're lazy, I'm not even going to try being subtle about it.
static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/12/123390/2891987-master_chief.jpg
Well, isn't that convenient.
Karma is not a person, unless you're talking about League of Legends, and she most certainly does not bite, she talks about being water on the rocks and shit. The philosophy of karma is not a person, nor a proper name, and thus is not capitalized.
Oh yeah, and the philosophy of karma doesn't exist in Equestria unless you're in an Alternate Universe.
Looks like we got us a case of LUS too.
Probably due to the equivalent of this happening:
images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/25600000/Harry-Potter-Wallpaper-harry-james-potter-25678279-1024-768.jpg
My greatest hope is that this Gilgamesh dude ends up with Malfoy, like the fanfics predicted.
I commend you on your proper usage of quotes, but still gotta catch the spelling errors. I will admit that this has problems with the premise, not your grammar. The problems can't be fixed with proofreading.
Aye, true it be.
Celestia asking stupid questions. They're fucking demons, bro.
Holy shit that LUS made meh cringe.
The smartest predator does its best to appear helpless. Luna would be the first to suspect such a thing. I'd expect that kind of thing from Cadance.
Okay okay okay, so you're either going to be ousted from your home and die, or submit to the pussy-ass Equestrian laws (canonically, which you are adhering to since this isn't Alternate Universe) after the fact in order to get some cannon fodder in taking back your kingdom. Why the hell would she do that?
Big text. Annoying.
I've got one word of advice for you:
Alternate.
Universe.
If this had a sex tag, I might have something to look forward to.
Why the capital G? Why?
... Sure. We'll go it.
Glad to hear that the can salute in Equestria, but that's not established in canon. Another necessity for the Alternate Universe tag.
This is an awful slang word and you should educate yourself as to its proper usage. I have not seen a single time that this is acceptable, seeing as it's mostly an inner city slang word, unlike what so many authors erroneously use it as.
You educated yourself on quotes, since you'd be using so many, but it appears you still don't know some types of punctuation.
th07.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2013/257/6/8/grumpy_cat__nope_by_imwithstoopid13-d624kvl.png
By the way, no, I'm not picking out every grammar error, just the first mistake of some and multiples of certain trends I'm seeing.
You keep frustrating your readers, man.
You think that's long enough to please a queen?
And yet, you use proper capitalization here, but trended it incorrectly a few paragraphs back. Do you proofread for basic grammar errors?
Oh, yeah. Celestia and Luna are going to keep Chrysalis from her race and commit mass genocide.
theditherer.com/images/legit/seems-legit-1.jpg
Especially when you bring canon into consideration, since this isn't Alternate Universe.
Dark doesn't mean good if it's going to be of this quality, sadly.
Isfet, you asked for a review, so here you are. I mean, I could go into even greater detail and explain even more what's wrong with this story and nitpick every detail that he missed, but I'm not his editor, nor am I his mother. My job isn't to pat him on the back for doing a good job, or reprimand him for performing poorly. It's to read, leave an opinion, and move on. If you want an exhaustive opinion, you'll get one. Hope you're not disappointed.
5468991 now my question to you is still why are you even here? you clearly hate this with a passion. Also did you read the original story? I take it you did not as you hate this kind of story. Honestly you seem to just be here to hate and rage that YOU do not like this.
5469076
You asked me:
I commented to make my opinion known. That was my reason.
I mean, you can say my opinion is worthless, at which point your opinion holds just as much worth. I'm not insulting you for sharing your opinion, but you're insulting me for sharing mine. Just because I don't want to ceaselessly praise a wonderful story, that doesn't mean I don't deserve a voice too.
Negative feedback is just as important as positive. If you'd read my review, you'd even see the things that I noticed that are good. I'm as unbiased as possible in my reviews, and if you see any evidence of legitimate bias, please tell me where I misjudged due to personal sentiments.
This story didn't even have the wish fulfillment fantasy character self-insert in the first chapter. The only taste of that that I got was in the description. If I have that much negative to say in the first chapter and so little positive, it doesn't bode well for when he introduces the obligatory character that he's already spent 99k words ramping up.
Damn straight I haven't read 99k words of spooge on a page. I read the premise a long time ago, back when it first popped up in the feature box, and already had a feeling it wasn't going to be any good.
5469016 sorry but people like you who post that something is bad like that actually hurt the site. I have had fics die simply because they get flamed for existing as a lohav. I canceled my only remaining story because I no longer want to write anymore. And that inspiration was killed by people on this site.
5469016 Yes, but there is also a point where you are constructively criticizing, a point where you are knit picking, and a point where you are bitching on every fucking thing that can be construed in any way as an error like Scootareader down below in the comments. This is fanfiction, not the Literature hub for snobby intellectuals. Mistakes, over-used themes, and grammar problems are a definite around here. While we should try to correct and improve these as we go, the reason 99% of people read fanfiction is because they just want a story that they can enjoy about a genre or series that they enjoy that was never, and never will be officially made. If a writer here has made a story that does its job in entertainment, be it something sad, silly, or action filled, then that writer has done his/her job.
This is meh. Not to say it's that bad, I mean, it's still bad but it can improve. Just please don't put in that Gary Stu of a main character that's in the description, or at least nerf him in some way to make it interesting.
5469220 no that's not it. Like you say criticism is good. It can help people improve on ideas and stories. But the problem is that too many times people just flame stories they don't like because how dare you come on MY website and try to write a fucking story. Maybe next time you do a critique try also stating things that were good or that you liked. You cant be 100% positive (cause that is just dumb) but being 100% negative is just as bad if not worse. Try doing both.
I have no idea if you do that for your critiques I just said that to make a point.
quickmeme.com/img/7f/7f33d093b8f483242613e15e456fe37de9269948b09e8ceefa03d240187977c7.jpg
5469256 there are stories that have no redeeming qualities. Just look at Rise of Spike the Dragon. Conflict is forced, author hammers in that Spike hates Twilight just about every chapter, designated hero/villain at its absolute worst, Spike and possy are OP as all fuck, ect.
5469303 sorry I am going to end this little discussion. Though I must say thank you for not getting your knickers in a twist.
5469371 all to rare if you ask me
5469303 Im glad you can see my point. Its good to know that you aren't just someone who likes to rant about the flaws of another persons work. As for your reply to Lord of Isfet, you are right about some (I may be under-estimating the amount there) stories that aren't good and have no qualities to anyone. When that happens though the dislikes and lack of reads is usually a good enough indicator to the writer that their story sucks without a lot of people shouting it in caps. That being said there is also a point where all of this is just "apples and oranges" and where someone see's redeeming qualities or even a good story, others see garbage. It's sometimes because an author is catering to a specific audience that their story appers to others as cliched or unappealing. I personally like this story. The fact that I, and many others the same as me, like it is proof that THIS story is likely one of those cases. Feel free to leave criticisms, but if your going to hate on the the very fact that this story exists, and not in a way that can possibly improve the writing style of the author or this story in general, then you should generally leave your comments somewhere other than the home page of the story or the authors home page.
Sorry if I sound like a dick, I kinda went off there. Im gonna take Isfets advice and stop myself. Sorry for taking up so much space here
5469540 I'll be waiting
Ah ha... they're so boned. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
And so it begins.
And could we not flood the comments sections with flame wars please? If you've got a problem with someone take it to PMs, don't make the rest of us look at it.
YAY, SEQUEL
Tags: Gore, Romance, Tragedy, Dark, Comedy, Crossover, Adventure
....Damnit, Tragedy/Dark/Gore. I haven't been able to read that combination since the original ending of 'Equestria's First Human'.
5467948 I hope I can live up to that expectation.
5468446 Ha! This really brightened me up. And I'm surprised you weren't expecting some of this considering the clues you've been given. Also, the power of friendship can exist in dark fics, but it tends to be more about overcoming trials and making sacrifices, becoming closer from being through some serious shit together.
5469268 Hope you're looking forwards to it.
5470071 Believe me, I know I'm balancing a tightrope between trying to get this dark for some serious shit to happen without going into soul-crushing territory.
I'm assuming you meant Commander Thorax.
*snicker*...Commander Bug-butt.
So the Demons of the Rift broke out the Demons of Tartar Sauce.
...and Shinigamisparda is sick.
NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
5470109
Oh, it wasn't anything soul crushing that did it. The original end of 'Equestria's First Human'* just came out of nowhere and pissed me off.** Since the in the original ending, Humanity was wiped out off-screen for no reason other than to give the main character no reason to go home. I have no doubt that you'll do much better, but I'm still a bit nervous about it.
*Sorry about that typo on the previous post. I've corrected it since then.
** In fact, it still pisses me off despite the author having rewritten and apologized for it.
5470109
I'm sorry, how are you going to write a dark story that people will take seriously if you can't even write a self-insert that's explicitly designed to have no character?
You're going to have to work hard to convince me that this is an actual dark story. The attempts at humor are not improving my disposition towards it. (also, Tragedy and Comedy tags together? Heresy of the worst sort.)
I'm liking the story so far, but it's too early to say whether or not I really like it. you got a fave because I was following the prequel to this, and as such I would like to continue following the story. while I doubt it will happen I do hope this story does not lose my favor.
on another note, get well soon, Sparda!
I really want to see how this will go