• Published 25th Apr 2012
  • 63,486 Views, 915 Comments

Better Living Through Science and Ponies - Pen Stroke

Not all is well in Equestria when a failing portal gun brings Aperture Science to the land of ponies

  • ...

Reader's Cut Chapter: Celestia VS GLados

Better Living Through Science And Ponies
Reader’s Cut
- Like a Director’s Cut, Only Better -

By Joe England
Edited by: Pen Stroke & Batty Gloom
I’d like to offer Joe England a special thank you for writing up this chapter. While modified by me and Batty Gloom, the exchange he made here was really great and adds something to the story.

So, consider this a deleted scene if you will, or a fanfiction of a fanfiction.

Whatever this is to you, I invite you to sit back, and Enjoy
-- Pen Stroke --

Celestia VS GLaDOS
Round 2

Celestia had to admit, the colorless walls and absolute silence of the place were surprisingly conducive to mental exercise. She had been meditating for at least an hour, and had finally achieved what she considered an adequate comprehension of her situation.

Despite the device on her horn had somehow managed to dampen her magic, but could not constrict it completely. She could not blast her way out of the room, but she could open her mind to the world, to the labyrinth that was currently her prison. She had sensed other ponies, even sensed her student, Twilight Sparkle, and the other bearers of the elements of harmony.

She had also begun to get a sense of The Thing, The Voice, that was the cause of all this. It was not omnipresent, and it wasn’t a pony. Its influence was spread across the labyrinth like the nervous system, but it did not expand out beyond the boarders of the labyrinth. The voice was not omnipresent either, that much Celestia was certain of. It may had have many eyes, but at the moment they were looking elsewhere in the labyrinth.

Something told her it could not leave this place... perhaps it was lonely? Not that there was any justification for its crimes.

Yes, Celestia had been able to ascertain much of the situation from her meditation. A definitive solution was beyond her grasp, but she still had cards to play. There was little doubt in her mind that Twilight, her friends, or some other resourceful pony might find a way to defeat The Voice;in fact she could sense one pony was making her way outside the bounds of the labyrinth, on metal walkways that worked around the many moving chambers.

Yes, like with Nightmare Moon she would have to rely on other ponies... a rare situation Celestia found herself, but not one she hadn’t been in before. In retrospect, she was disappointed in herself. Her initial reaction to The Voice had been petulant. Beneath her. Anger was a sign of weakness, and she knew better. But since it had been so long since she'd personally faced such overt hostility, she'd been rather caught off guard.

Dragons and griffins could be belligerent, but usually only because they felt their own interests were threatened. Nightmare Moon had simply sent her to the sun after a small victory speech. This monster, however, demonstrated active cruelty. A genuine sadistic desire to inflict suffering.

Well, the only thing to do was to learn from her mistakes and prepare for next time. And that time seemed to present itself, Celestia getting the sensation she was being watch.

"Hello Test Subject #470. I saw you meditating. Did you think I had left? I hope you aren't embarrassed, but you should know meditation is generally considered quackery by most medical professionals. But then, so are unicorns and flying horses. So... I guess you're good."

"Thank you, Dear, for your input," she replied in her most cordial tone. "But I'm afraid the medical professionals of our world consider meditation quite beneficial to one's state of mind. Don't I seem happier?"

"Oh, yes. I've often heard that ignorance is bliss."

"If that's true, it's no wonder you sound so sad. You poor thing."


GLaDOS shifted in her ceiling mount, more of her attention focusing on test subject #470. The alicorn test subjects were rare and beyond fascinating to say the least. Even that mane was confounding, how its hair moved without wind and how its color shifted was something that ignited curiosity in GLaDOS.

Yet, those last words from the test subjected had carried something. Hidden under the pleasant tone and smile... a tiny element of consternation. The subject was beginning to sass. That would need to be remedied. Proper respect must be acknowledged to assure the tests went smoothly, after all. May as well get down to brass tacks.

"That reminds me. Do you know how many ponies have gotten themselves killed while you were half asleep? I think the number would surprise you."


Celestia kept her breathing even. She knew a sucker punch was coming. Celestia had already proven once that she cared deeply about the ponies of Equestria and that threatening them was a good way to get under her skin. Her previous behavior was coming back to haunt the princess, but she wouldn’t let it happen again. She was too old to let her emotions get away from her.

She could protest, threaten... but in the end she knew nothing could dissuade one from inflicting pain on others if they were so inclined. Even if she cooperated, the monster would say and do exactly as it wished. But then, there were ways to blur cooperation with defiance.

"Have you killed them all?" she replied.


GLaDOS’s camera’s shifted a moment, as if she was worried the finely focused monitoring cameras in the room were malfunctioning. The test subject was smiling. Could she have suffered a psychotic break... no, they had only just begun testing. There was no way subject 470 would have suffered a break so soon unless her mind was as delicate as butterfly wings... and the fact that this white alicorn was royalty disproved that. If she was that mentally frail, she would have cracked and been dethroned.

"Not quite." GLaDOS answered, speaking with her usual flatness.

"Oh... are they too hard for you?"

"If I wanted to kill them, they’d be dead. I’d just flood the facility with neurotoxin and they’d be dead. Still, dead test subjects don’t provide as much data as live ones. So, in the interest of science, I’m keeping... most... of them alive.”

"A simple yes or no answer would have sufficed. Do you feel you need to justify yourself to me?"

Now the subject was asking her questions. Not the usual kind, either... “Where am I?” or “What are you doing to me?” or “Why would you take my leg?” These were standard. But this question... the horse almost sounded like she was trying to analyze GLaDOS.

Something about that rattled GLaDOS, though the super computer wasn’t sure why. She was initially designed to work with intelligent, inquisitive specimens and to interact with the facility’s scientists. Somewhere along the line she had stopped expecting them to ask her questions that weren't inherently selfish.

“No... I just thought you’d like to know.”

“I honestly don’t care that much.”

“You seemed to care a great deal earlier.”

“Well, that’s why I meditated. Now, I’m happy.”

“You’re lying.”

“Really, how can you tell?”

“I can scan your brain.”

“Oh, really, then what am I think about right now?”
GLaDOS would have smiled if she had lips; now she was going to get this smug horse. Still, even as the brain scanners began their work something was... wrong.

The hybrid pony's thoughts had become difficult to read. GLaDOS would not openly admit it, but the meditation seemed to have allowed the creature to build some manner of psychic obstruction. She was scanning the living daylights out of the freak's grey matter and all she was able to glean now were rudimentary inclinations.

In fact, every one her initial scans of the "queen ponies" had brought unreliable data. For one thing, there was so much of it... it was almost as if their brains contained more information than their neural capacity should have allowed for. And the information she had seemed to go in... odd directions. Furthermore, something about their cellular makeup seemed to defy the laws of entropy. It was disconcerting. Most of the other ponies were no more difficult to infiltrate than the standard human, but these hybridized creatures... something about them just seemed to throw off the science. And that was not good.

Another mystery, just like how that horse’s mane was able to undulate with no wind.

Unable to come up with an answer, and knowing the infinitely remote possibilities of actually guessing correctly, GLaDOS came to a decision.

Time to change subjects.

"I was actually surprised to learn that you're able to fly with those haunches." she intoned, with but the slightest hint of satisfaction in her mechanized cadence. "Your sister is much thinner than you. And smarter. I'm killing her as we speak, you know. I hope you don’t mind.”

"Would it make a difference if I did?"


"Then why do you ask?" The pony's facade was unshaken. GLaDOS continued.

"Just making small talk. You must be very lonely. How many years have you lived? Don't answer, I know it's a lot. Yes, you live and everyone else dies... you’ve gotten to watch friends get buried by their children, and then those ponies by their children... yes, so very sad. Maybe I can fix that for you."

“Oh, would you? I'm desperately lonely. It's awful. The worst fate imaginable, being at the top of the pyramid and just living and living and living. You can relate, can't you?"

"...I'm killing the other ponies too, by the way. Seventeen, eighteen... oh. I lost count. Make that twenty-eight."

"Thank you for letting me know! You're very thoughtful. I’ll be sure to update the population records when I return to the castle."

"Oh, I see. You're trying to hide your emotional reaction so that you can frustrate me. That's... almost clever."

"And yet it took you this long to catch on."

"I knew right away. I was just humoring you."

"What color is my sister's blood?"

GLaDOS halted for an instant to contemplate the shift in the tone of the conversation. That was inconsistent with the attitudes she had observed as being prevalent in this alien culture. But then, she hadn't been observing them for very long. Still... GLaDOS wouldn’t let it phase her. She shifted in her ceiling mount, adjusting her primary optical camera, doing what could be considered rolling her shoulders before getting back to her work.

"...Wow. That was out of left field. You really do have a dark side, don't you?"

"I just found it interesting that you killed Luna and didn’t notice. We imperial princesses have very unique blood. I mean, you did see what color it was, didn’t you?”"

GLaDOS would not be caught in a lie so easily. Her brilliant computer mind crafted a skillful feint in response. "As a matter of fact, I burned her alive. There was no blood left to analyze."

"Then what color were the ashes? Our skin glistens a particular shade when it is burnt."

“......... Okay. You got me. I didn’t kill her... yet. That was a test. A test you passed....barely. Congratulations.”

Celestia lifted a hoof to her mouth, suppressing a giggle and hiding her smile. “Oh, that’s so cute.”


"You seem so convinced that I care about your opinion of me. I've taught foals like that, you know.” Celestia’s voice shifted at this, becoming as sweet and caring like a grandmother cooing over a scribbled drawing of her house in crayon. “You're very childlike in your behavior. I find it endearing.

"I am not... childlike."

"See? They pout, just like that!"

“Let's move on. It is almost time for you to begin testing."

"Oh, Of course!" chimed Celestia,. "And as my instructor, I am sure you will ensure my cooperation with proper procedures by enlightening me as to your own nature, since test subjects generally operate better when they have a better knowledge of their instructor, and therefore a better knowledge of how best to please them."

Old subroutines began to compel GLaDOS. A cooperative test subject had to be acknowledged. It was a simple rule, one of those things ingrained so deep in her operating system GLaDOS couldn’t hope to delete it, even if she wanted to. It was like the desire to test, she just couldn’t ignore it.

"Of... course...” GLaDOS began. She would have gritted her teeth if she had them. Still, she had to be courteous... she had be polite and courteous... Damn those scientists who built these-

"Hello, and welcome to the Aperture Science Computer Aided Enrichment Center. I am GLaDOS, a mechanical being constructed through science and engineering far, far beyond your extremely pathetic animal comprehension, and, again, I will be your guide through this series of tests-"

"Do you have a body?" Celestia demurely interrupted.

"I have many bodies. They're all over the floors of the test chambers. But if you mean, 'do I have a physical form of my own,' then you should know the entire complex is technically my body." Even in courtesy, there is room for levity and fear-mongering.

"Do you have a face?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I'm curious. If we're to be friends, or something similar, I think we ought to at least share trust. And I'd like to have an image to put with the voice. You sound like a beautiful machine."

The princess was being pleasant... too pleasant. A few moments ago she hadn’t been that curious; now she wanted to see her ‘face’. Still... she was cooperating and certain old bits of code were pricking at the back of GLaDOS’s mind.

"Very well. You freakish tyrant."


Celestia watched as the antiseptic wall panels slid aside to reveal what seemed a shimmering tapestry of light. Not healthy light, like fire, or magic, or her sun. Dead light. It painted an image of a hanging jumble of wires and strange metal strung together, punctuated by electric bulbs. A bit vaguely pony-like in its grotesque form.

Equestria had explored such technology to a limited degree. Celestia recalled the laboratories of eccentric pony scientists, filled with wonderful blinking devices. Twilight had a workshop of her own. But this was taken to the Nth degree, an abomination made by a race which had given too much power and grace to its machines. This, then, was her foe.

She made a mental note to use this adventure as a cautionary lesson regarding the dangers of science without sense. As she ruminated The Thing, which had called itself Gladys, continued to drone on.

"The thing you see before you is not my body. Since the details of this technology are far beyond your comprehension, I’ll just say this is a moving picture of me. What you see is, for all intents and purposes, my face. It is far, far away from where you are now. It is far superior to your overly padded form. Don't bother looking for weaknesses. Even if you found any, which you can't because you're not smart enough to, you wouldn't get the chance to exploit them..."

Celestia appraised the image for a time. It was a gamble... but then again Gladys seemed to have a hint of an ego.

“Oh, my... well, that’s... that’s very nice.”
There was silence for a moment, the glowing mural retracting back into the wall as the panels closed up in its place.

“Is something wrong?”

"Oh nothing, nothing. It's just... it seems a little... how to put this..." Celestia brought her hoof to her chin, her eyes shied away. "Bulky?"


"Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course! It's just, from your voice, I was expecting a less... robust machine."

"...Are you calling me fat?"

Celestia was emphatic. "Oh, no, Dear! Of course not. That would be rude." Her expression emoted profound sympathy. "You're just big boned."

Again, silence... as if Gladys was trying to think of a way to respond. When she did speak again, the voice held the undertones of anger. "I am currently calculating seven hundred and five ways to force you to die over a period of twelve hours."

Celestia responded in kind. "Go ahead, it won't make you any thinner."


"I AM NOT FAT!” exclaimed GLaDOS, her cloying monotone elevated to octaves she especially reserved for making perfectly reasonable truths abundantly clear to bad test subjects. "You are fat! You are disgustingly fat! You’re so fat that when you jump into an ocean whales think ‘look at that huge fat thing. It must be another whale’. You’re the fat one!”

"Of course I'm fat!" cheered Celestia. "You say that like it's news. I know it. I have a weakness for the chocolate bon-bons the royal chefs make. They are just so good. Still, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Trust me, I’m sure no one thinks any less of you for being fat.”

GLaDOS’s fans began whirling, she spun around in her ceiling mount in frustration. Why was this bothering her? Was there some part of Caroline still in her system that was being insulted by being called fat? The personality construct couldn’t tell and didn’t want to think about it for the moment. She just wanted to stab back at test subject 470.

"I will kill one pony every four seconds until you say that I am very thin."

"Alright, you're very thin. Whatever you say."


"I'm sorry.” Celestia began, her tone shifting as she changed weight between her hooves. “I have to ask... is this science-related? I fail to see the scientific benefit of you telling me to tell you what you want to hear."

"It is not for you to know the science. It is for me to know the science, and for you to die, you fat, tyrannical pony cow."

"Alright, you're clearly in charge, and far be it for me to question such an intelligent, thin machine, even if you don't know the answer. It's no skin off my withers."

"I know the answer!" hollered GLaDOS.

"So you say... But I predict you're not going to tell me the answer. Am I wrong?"

"You are wrong about almost everything. And even the things you're right about, you're just barely right. But you're right about what you just said. So yes, you are correct."

"Oh, so you are going to tell me the answer, after all!" Celestia positioned herself like a very attentive student. "Very well, explain it to me."

"...No. I mean... no." GLaDOS could feel herself nearing a stuttering point. "I said you were right about how I'm not going to tell you the answer to how this is science-related. That's what I meant. You idiot."

"But I said 'am I wrong?’... and then you said I was right! So don't you mean I was right when I asking if I was wrong, meaning you're going to tell me the answer? Oh my," she said, concern ringing in her voice. "Have you forgotten what we were talking about already? Are you sure you aren't malfunctioning?"

GLaDOS was, in her opinion, quite reasonably fed up with all of this, but she wasn't about to let an ungulate bitch get the last word in this stupid colloquium. "I am not malfunctioning," she pronounced with authority. "You're malfunctioning. I'm the only one here who's not malfunctioning, which is sad, because it's sad to see a freakish fat tyrant like you malfunction so egregiously."

"But how would you know you're not malfunctioning? All machines can malfunction. In fact, how can I trust you as a reliable scientific resource to conduct these tests if I can’t be sure you’re not operating correctly?”

"I have run self-diagnostics, and I am clearly not malfunctioning."

"But if you are malfunctioning, you may be misinterpreting the data. “Celestia piped up matter of factually. "And, to be frank, I simply can't work at the whim of a potentially malfunctioning device. Could I please speak with your superior, so that my fears may be put to rest?"

"There are no superiors." GLaDOS said flatly. "I killed them."

"Did they design you to kill them?" asked Celestia.

"They designed me to do my job. My job just happened to include killing them. It's not my fault they didn't see it coming. You do like to talk, don't you? Is it because you have no one else to talk to?"

"Yes, that's exactly it." said Celestia. "It is so refreshing to talk to someone of such intelligence. Now, if you’re not going to test me I was wondering if you would be so kind as to kill me. As we talked earlier, death would be such a wonderful release. Is there a particular way I need to stand... a position that would ensure the quickest end to my miserable life?”

GLaDOS nearly faltered. Another about-face, another complete veering off the conversation. Maybe this horse had really gone crazy... still, killing the alicorn was a very tempting option. Any port in a storm.

"...Position. Right. Yes. You must please assume the proper submission positions for extermination. Lay down with your ha... hooves spread out in front of and behind you."

From her position on the floor Celestia perked up slightly and played what she hoped was her trump card. "It's a shame about all the science, though, you have to admit."

"What science?"

"Well, it's... just a shame you don't care about the science."

"This is science. Dying is science. It's good science. Believe me, I know. I do it all the time."

Still prone, Celestia placed her head on her foreleg and began tracing lazy circles on the floor. "Well, I admit I don't know what constitutes 'science' where you come from," she said quite passively, "But it seems to me you're wasting a potentially valuable test subject to fulfill a fleeting personal desire. Am I mistaken?"

"Yes. You're sadly mistaken." said GLaDOS, a noticeable edge now persistent in her vocalization. "Very sad. In fact, I think it's tragic that such a foolish, mistaken, freakish, fat, morbid, tyrannical mare as yourself is the ruler of this land. I can get plenty of data from you being dead, and I'm tired of listening to your foolish, mistaken ramblings."

"And yet I've led this kingdom for a millennium of peace and prosperity." said Celestia, leisurely raising herself back to a sitting position. "And you're not even curious how someone so foalish could have done that! I mean... I'm at your mercy, aren't I? You could kill me any time. Why now? Why not test me first? Isn't that why I'm here? Killing me so soon wastes your chance to collect information while I'm alive."

The princess’ voice grew hushed and thoughtful. "This gives me the impression... and I do apologize if I offend you... that you don't care about 'science' so much as your own gratification. Again, and I am sorry to bring this up... but for a machine that is supposed to be all about pursuing science you do seem to be malfunctioning.”

"I am not malfunctioning." GLaDOS replied, words dripping with loathing.

"And yet," Celestia demurred, "in the past few minutes I've trapped you in several logical fallacies."

"No. No you haven't."

“Oh... then allow me to spell them out.” Princess Celestia began, speaking like a teacher to a student.

"You insist that you are not malfunctioning because your own systems tell you you are not malfunctioning, those systems which you have stated are a part of you. A prime example of circular reasoning.

“You said that by seeing your body I would not be able to exploit any weaknesses, yet all I had to do to evoke an emotional response was to mention your paunch, clearly demonstrating presumption and error.

“You subsequently determined to kill me, wasting potential for discovery. And yet you have not killed me. And I hate to stoop to semantics, but you said just now that I am the ruler of this land, regarding me as such in the present tense, though you also said earlier that in here I am but a test subject. Your view of me is technically inconsistent.

“How can I test with a computer that can't decide if I rule this land or not? I have to know where I stand. So far my experience of you has been one blunder after another." She paused for a moment to give a mild sigh, as though the teacher was quite disappointed. "And, like I said, you can destroy me if you wish, but you will not disprove anything I've said. Making the entire exercise rather... sadly... pointless."

GLaDOS was shuddering in her ceiling mount, fans whirling at full speed. If she had teeth, she’d be gritting them. If she had hair and hands, she’d be ripping them the hair out with her hands. If she had feet, she would have stomped. Still, that was all stuff the alicorn couldn’t see, and it was enough venting for GLaDOS to calm herself down just a bit. She wouldn’t give that princess the pleasure of seeing her angry.

“Look at this, we’ve been sitting here wasting so much time. Maybe we should move onto some tests.” GLaDOS said, managing to give her voice back its usual composure.

"Very well," said Celestia, "since I've clearly won the conversation I suppose there's nothing left for you to do but resort to physical trials."

“You haven't won." asserted GLaDOS, who, even to her own ears (or what may as well have been ears), had begun to sound rather petulant. "Don't think that. Because you'd be wrong, Because you haven't. I am merely changing tactics. We are still having the conversation."

"Ah, so that means I have the advantage." said Celestia, as though she were merely having an energetic (if admittedly juvenile) verbal duel with another noble mare. “Well what if I stop talking? What if I refuse to continue? What if I throw myself to my death? The conversation will end with my having the upper hoof."

GLaDOS really was done now. She couldn't believe she had allowed herself to be affected like this. This was not why either of them were there.

"You know what?" she said, regarding the subject with loathing she had scarcely felt for anything but Chell or Wheatley or all of humanity. "I am through humoring you. You have been a very bad test subject. One of the worst I've ever had. And you do not have the upper hoof. Because I'm still in charge, and you're nothing but a test subject. A fat, foalish... I mean foolish, mistaken test subject who is malfunctioning. The end. Alright? The conversation is ended. And I won."

And that, she felt certain, was that.

"And you're... proud?" asked Celestia, seeming for all the world quite genuinely concerned.

"I'm... yes. Why not? I'm proud. I don't mind saying it."

"Oh....Oh, that is so sad."

"No. No. No. It is happy. I am happy. Stop that."

"You're actually... 'proud' that you won a silly discussion with a fat, foalish, malfunctioning test mare like me." Celestia shook her head, her rainbow mane still billowing in the face of any rational theory GLaDOS could conjure. "That is so, so sad.

"I mean, what a desolate life you must lead where something so utterly trivial actually brings you satisfaction! I'm so sorry, Gladys. I had no idea you were so desperate for validation, even from a lowly, occasionally royal wretch such as myself."

"It's GLaDOS and I don't need your validation SHUT UP!!!! WHY HAVEN'T I KILLED YOU YET??"

"You don't know that either?" said Celestia, as calmly as a spring breeze. "That seems like something you should--"


GLaDOS literally had to stop herself at this moment. She was fuming... literally fuming. Parts of her circuitry were overheating, her fans couldn’t keep up. She’d have to calm herself down or risk crashing, and by the time she restarted the facilities power core could and would likely explode.


Celestia grinned. What a simple creature this monster truly was. Luna would have seen the absurdity of the contest by this point, but 'Gladys' seemed determined to establish a position of perceived psychological dominance.

"You know what I said to myself when you first started talking?" She raised her nose to demonstrate an air of satisfaction. "I said to myself, 'I'm going to find a way to get that invisible monotone speaker to raise her voice in anger. And if I can do that, even if she tortures me to death, I'll have won the day. Because that's how I trot.' That's what I said."

In the room, the voice of GLaDOS raved. "RrrrrrAAAAAAAHH. Ahahaha. AAAAAH. Yes. I hate you. I hate you so much. I hate you as much as any thing, person, or animal I have ever hated. I hate you, hate you, HATE YOU! Okay fine you win. You win, and I will kill you now and then I will erase this entire event from my memory banks so that I won't know you won. Goodbye."

The panels around the room shifted, several very lethal looking spiked plates coming into view. They all tensed back, as if ready to spring out at Celestia as a moments notice... like snakes about to strike. Celestia admitted she may have pushed Gladys too far that time, a minor miscalculation. Still, she wasn’t done yet.

Swiftly, but calmly, Celestia interjected. "I can tell you how magic works."

The crushing panels, which had just started to launch at Celestia stood, their spikes within inches of touching her white coat. In the various test chambers, terrified ponies were puzzled by the abrupt but short pause of platforms swinging in almost balletic motion, lights dimming for the tiniest of instants, lasers momentarily blinking.

"I know much more than Luna. Or any pony for that matter. I have been alive for a long time after all. Magic is quite fascinating, by the way. Bends scientific law like wet paper. The potential is endless."

GLaDOS did not speak.

"That's why you're doing this, isn't it? To learn? Doesn't that bring you satisfaction? Oh. Do you know pegasi ponies can walk on clouds? They don't even need to flap their wings to not fall through. Would you like to know how we do that?"

GLaDOS did not speak.

"And do you like my mane? Would you like me to tell you how it moves just so? I would love to tell you every one of my secrets, and you don't have to torture me at all! You wouldn't risk harming such a plentiful source of crucial information, would you? I'm more than happy to cooperate."

GLaDOS still did not speak.

“All you really have to do is ask. I mean... did that really not occur to you? To just ask me for information? I could give you access to all our own research into the nature of this universe... and you never asked! Are you sure you aren't malfunctioning, Dear? I'm concerned."

"... I... hate... you...”

"What's the matter?" said Celestia. "Don't you want to talk? We can talk for hours and hours and hours... it would be such fun.”

The Voice grew distant. There was something in it now, something which, despite its soullessness, betrayed to the princess a note of baffled vanity. "...I'm... going now. I'm going to... test... somewhere else. We'll continue this later. Much much much later. Goodbye."

The feeling of being watched vanished. Celestia knew she was alone in the room once again.

As she resumed meditating the princess found that a small part of her hoped that the ponies wouldn't save the day too soon. This was turning out to be a kind of fun she'd not had in centuries. It was a shame that Gladys was such a raving sociopath. As friends, they might have had such wonderful sparring sessions.


GLaDOS hung in her ceiling mount, watching as a brown pony with an hourglass on his flanks finished a test. While she was monitoring other test chambers, a few threads of CPUs couldn’t pull themselves away from the conversation. Parts of her intellect were going over every detail of the conversation, seeing every hole she had fallen into.

Those processes eventually summarized everything in a single realization, one that GLaDOS voiced to herself.

“I think I like it better when my test subjects don’t talk back.”

Questions, Comments, Concerns?

My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic © Hasbro
Portal & Portal 2 © Valve

I do not own the intellectual properties this fan-fiction is based on.

Comments ( 398 )

Ah, heh, now I'm wondering if you did this just because I suggested that you should... I'll assume not.

First! I like being annoying


me too!
....wait, are you me?! :pinkiecrazy:

but in all seriousness, this was the first fan fic I read for the story (rather than "so bad, I cant't turn away from this horribly funny train-wreck), it's what made me seek more pony fics.

So thanks Pen stroke! :pinkiehappy:

I see now why Gabe Newell admitted to enjoying ponies--he must have discovered this fic at some point.

This is easily one of, if not THE, best FiM crossover ever written.


:flutterrage: Just when I thought my favourite .gif could not be any more perfect, you post THIS.

Have an internet, my friend :rainbowlaugh:

Oh wow, so much positive review, I feel I must read now (why did I join the herd :raritydespair:).

I now have a reason to set to my "Top 5 Stories* list. :yay:

Granted, it'll look rather sparse until Creeping Darkness and Past Sins gets posted, but still. :twilightsmile:

495009 :rainbowhuh: this is the first i read but it did not get me into the fan base R U MEH CLONE?

This was my first ever fan-fic :D

Great read

A Wild Pen Stroke Has Appeared!
> Attack
> Run
> [Hug]

I love this story, and Joe England's addition to it. Nice to see it here :D

Oh wow. One of the first fics I read. That was SO LONG ago!

This is one of the few fics I've gone all the way through when it was on GDocs. TOTALLY favoriteing!

Its cool that you're (finally) uploading your stories here Pen. Its bad because now I HAVE TO REREAD THEM ALL! Wait on Past Sins plox I got finals coming up.:rainbowwild:

Death to Portal, no really, I hate it to death.

I can't wait for the next story: GLados vs Discord.

The two have so much in common.

Heh, this fanfic of a fanfic was very entertaining. Well done, Trollestia. :trollestia:

Oh Luna you too? I've never actually played portal for myself, but I've seen various Let's Plays. This fic is great. Might just reread it.

Man, I read this and was like "O shit no wai!?" Loved this story. You get my thumb good sir.

the fanfic that got me into fanfics arrives here!?


this looks somewhat EPIC. One shall read this later.


Go Celesita go! Its so awesome to see Glados OWNED verbally!

Trollestia at her finest.

Aw yiss, one of my absolute favourite fics! Makes me all nostalgic for some reason.

YOU FINALLY MENTIONED DR. WHOOVES!!!! I thought he would come in with the T.A.R.D.I.S. and crash on GLaDOS' pony body and kill her and he would come out and say, "This isn't Platform 5! Well this just won't do!" and teleport away.:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

I don't quite agree with how GLaDOS fell into the issue of being called "fat". Considering she sees herself as a machine, and machines really can't be "fat". They can be bulky or big, that is not their fault, but more the fault of the designers and engineers. Machines gain their elegance from function, not form (though when both work together you get something great).

As for Chell, sure she can talk at the end, but how will she ever be able to use her talent ever again? It is like Twilight without her magic, Rainbow without her wings, Applebloom without her... wait, she doesn't have anything, HA, poor "blank flank", forever forced to continue getting covered in tree sap. :trollestia:

My first FiMfic, back when i was on a Portal spree and WAY before I truly go into MLP:FiM. Will just have to re-read.

Which, btw, is rare, if never seen.

But how did that not raise any questions? I would think Fluttershy would still be flustered after watching a pony fall for a few miles.


Of course not. You are my clone. I've been looking for you. Now, get back here. I need your healthy liver. (+15 nerd points if you get the reference)


Close; I'm the other half of your split-personality. Nice to finally meet you.


498192 FALSE. I will say it again, Reclaimer. I AM THE BEST AT SPACE

Mabye so, but I am space police.

498124 I'd be pissed if I were her, think about it. She just got called a bulky machine, in my mind she views herself as an elegant streamlines machine of perfection. it's like a laptop being called a desktop. It's a smaller lighter machine that can do it's job just as well as it's bulkier cousin. You're more likely to call a laptop a sexy machine then a server cluster.

But I think she would have defended herself by saying that the most advanced intelligence in the world requires size... She's still smaller then Watson.

Me too! It was one of my first exposures to community works, what I read one of the first times I went to EqD. Gee that brings back memories.

495009 Likewise.

Thank you Pen Stroke.

"Oh, a crossover between MLP and portal? Sounds pretty cool, let's have a look at it.":twilightsmile:
*completes it*
"Oh. My. Luna! This was SSWWWWEEEEEETTTT! Chell and Glados' characters were amazing written! You should be proud brony!" :pinkiehappy:
*gives epic brohoof of f#cking win*:moustache::moustache::moustache:

Oh my fucking god. This exists on FIMFiction. The need to smash the keyboard haphazardly in excitement and happiness is really hard to resist right now.

I believe this was the first fanfic I ever read. Curse you Pen Stroke ! You hooked me on pony-fics ! :pinkiehappy:

I read this ages ago on another site, but I'm glad I found it here. the whole exchange between Celestia and Glados was to die for. Bravo for making the best story ever even better.

While I dislike the characterization GLaDOS received in this (I'm a firm believer that she was lying about "deleting" Caroline for a variety of reasons), I really loved this story when I first read it way back. I think it might have been the first ponyfic I ever read, actually. My favourite part is probably the entire scene with Celestia using verbal judo to stomp GLaDOS.

Great job overall! :pinkiehappy:

Wow! I first read this on deviantart! And now it's on FIMfiction!
:twilightsmile: YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES! :twilightblush:

Wow this was freaking awesome, I just contacted Gabe Newell (he's a brony) to show him what better be the story for Portal 3.
lol. Seriously, this is probably one of my newest favorite fics ever. The characters, both portal and pony, were spot on. Chell's reaction to a new life was perfect. I always had that question in my mind. Wait, she's going to be happy that she's stuck in the middle of a huge ass plain with no sense of direction?
GlaDos was hilarious and evil as always. and poor fluttershy had to destroy the companion cube! :fluttercry:
So sad, but i couldnt stop laughing when I got to the part cause of the irony.
Not only does this double as an awesome fic, but possibly as a BETTER and happier ending to Portal 2. but Valve isnt really famous for happy endings now are they. wait, they havent given us ANY endings except for portal. I guess, sad cliffhangers? HL3, hurry up! :ajbemused:
Pardon my ADHD. Let me just finish by saying that im definetly watching this page and I wish I could give this story more than a like or a favorite.
umm, ummmm, HERE! just take my moustache! *riiiiiiiiiip* OOOOOOWWW :moustache:
Alright, I'll be going now, wheres the neosporin?

I'm reading this
Also because everyone's loving it
Also because I <3 Portal

Very cool. Loved it. However, in regards to the author's name, my OC "Keystrokes" is in no way a rip off of you. I only now heard of you, and he has been in the works for a while. Just wanted to say that.

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