• Member Since 27th May, 2013
  • offline last seen May 7th

White Dragon


If anyone wants to send me any fan art or cover art, send it to my deviant art page, I would love some fan art. Other Name RIspy5655. My Editor is PinkieLunaShy, for all the stories.

T

The villains of Equestria are tired, tired of losing. So Discord in all of his brilliance set a fail safe, if he were to lose a clone of him was to find the being closest to him in terms of chaos, and give that being his powers, memories and good looks. To create Chaos and recruit allies. He found me.

Original posted 10/9/2014

Popular List 10/9/2014

Feature Box

Set after the Season 2 premiere.
Note; Discord looks like the Discord from the show, while everything else is anthro.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 82 )

Discord looks like the Discord from the show, while everything else is anthro.

Well that's abit confusing. So he doesn't look like the cover art??:rainbowhuh::rainbowhuh:

“Oh no, no, no, no, no, no,” Celestia stutters as she falls backwards.

THATS NOT STUTTERING :twilightangry2::twilightangry2::twilightangry2: Stuttering is l-l-like t-t-this!

“Why, yes Twilight he did, he used the king and queens bodies and souls to make The Elements of Harmony.”

Well then, that's pleasant.

Oh having the video here and having the lyrics is kind weird, you can always just link the first couple words in the song to the video.

Y'know what. This whole story confuses me. I'll be back in an hour with why.

You shouldve had sheogorath in this story, he is crazier then a mental hospital escapee. minus the butter knife

The first chapter is already completely and unacceptably rushed. Do I have to take this story seriously, or it is some sort of trollfic?

This story seems interesting.

The description alone is riddled with more grammatical errors than half the completed stories I read... :facehoof:

I'm back with one word. EDITOR!

Please get one, this book has potential, a lot of it too, but the rushedness and the grammatical errors make it virtually IMPOSSIBLE to read and get the full meaning. I want to read this book and not feel like murdering myself. Heck! You're in Looking for editors, drop a thread.

Heck I'd do it. *checks watch* I got time and need something to do. But please man, please :raritydespair: find an editor, maybe a proofreader too.

I shall be waiting for the next chapter. :moustache:

Nyeeh, already getting into my mind

This story has a lot of premise, but the story is way too rushed and features too many grammatical errors for it to be enjoyable. I'll keep an eye on this, though. If you get an editor I'll come back and check it out.

It feels pretty rushed but I can understand considering the first chapters usually is the hardest since you get everything set out. If you make it seem less rushed then of course fix grammar then this story could go places.

5118547 And yet its still featured....:facehoof:

And lyrics are breaking rules.

Ooooh boy, where do I even start...

Well this is new...

It's 2014. Even web-browsers have a built-in spellchecker, not to mention free text processors available for downloading. Use it.

Hello Discord 2

Try something... more imaginative? In fact, even "Hello, me - Hi, me" would sound more Discordish.

“You are a Draconequus a creature of chaos are you not?” asked the teen.

How does protagonist know that, is he a brony?

“I accept.”

...and he Jumps At The Call without even asking who's calling. You ought to spend at least a couple of sentences explaining this reaction. I assume you just wanted to get rid of boring intro and get to write real fun stuff(like "two most powerful ponies she knew were crying and breaking down"), but damn, intro is literally the first thing reader will see! You can't make a second first impression.

(imagine Dragon scale armor from Skyrim)

Don't. Do. That. It really breaks immersion, plus not everyone has played Skyrim.

Terik

Did you mean Tirek?

“Why, yes Twilight he did, he used the king and queens bodies and souls to make The Elements of Harmony.”

If I got it right... Discord mutilated Celestia's parents' bodies and put their souls into a very likely state of "And I must scream"... and she describes it as HELPFUL? What the buck is wrong with her?!

In conclusion, you have a nice story premise, but you really, really need to put more effort into your writing...

5121784
Don't forget

look not abounded

He really should get either spellcheck or an editor, because this is just sad.

5118621
Perhaps YOU need an editor.

Your in Looking for editor

You're. As in you're a hypocrite.

5122366

Yes, I am a hypocrite. I apologize for not using the right "your/you're". Shame on me.

isn't there another on like this out there somewhere? i remember one like this.

I like the story but it, oh how it vexed me that another author used lyrics from a song in their story :ajbemused:
Don't get me wrong :unsuresweetie:, I like when authors find fitting AMBIENT music to listen to while reading the story, but it sorta ticks me off when they put lyrics in the story itself
Still get a thumbs up because it was a good chapter though :twilightsmile:
Edit: and a favorite too!

Slow down, put this past a editor, other than that good start to the story.

Liked, faved and following:pinkiehappy:

for some reasons the song reminded me of a song on god eaters

Started good. Rushed it. Didnt disribe things right and used horrible story mechanics. Like the imagine dragon scale armor. did not like switching between 3rd and 1st person veiw.

Needs rewrite.
Story idea and charecter idea- 9/10
story itself- 3/10

5118406 I think it's a matter of how you interpret it. I believe he is talking about the discord-clone that goes to find the human, not the human looking like the discord from the show.

The 'note' can be very easily misunderstood, as you have interpreted it to be. This story does need a lot of work.
5118621 in addition to this post, I am willing to offer my services in gramatical errors, spelling, ideas, and even plot development. Please contact me directly if you want my help (if you don't, your response will get lost in the hundreds of emails i get from Fimfiction.net on an almost weekly basis.)

It has potential. that dosent mean its good, that just means it can be good. just keep going at it.:twilightsheepish:
though i am sorry to say that i will not be with you for this story.:eeyup:
i will drop a like though :rainbowkiss:

Im sorry i cant give any constructive criticism. English is my worst class :rainbowderp:

5121784 too your last one CELESTIA Didn't say anything if you reread that part,

“Did Discord do anything helpful after he turned mad, Princess?” Twilight asks wondering if the monster did any good. Celestia turns to Twilight only to be cut off by another voice in thee room,
“Why, yes Twilight he did, he used the king and queens bodies and souls to make The Elements of Harmony.”

“Why, yes Twilight he did, he used the king and queens bodies and souls to make The Elements of Harmony.”
HOLY SHIT THATS MORBID

Comment posted by Ghost-091 deleted Dec 15th, 2014

Why bother mentioning what Discord looks like? You get rid of normal Discord right at the start. Also, what makes this random kid as random as Discord? Why is he chosen? There are seven billion or more humans on earth, and the reality bending and altering God of chaos picks this random kid because "chaotic energy" coming from his house. The guy who can literally surf the multiverse just happens to pick a random human teenager. That doesn't seem very random, now does it? He could of used a dart to do it and just thrown the damn thing in any direction and let chaos handle the rest. Also, chaos works on two rules. Rule number one, you don't talk about the rules of chaos. Rule number two, You Don't Talk About The Rules Of Chaos. Sort of like Fight Club. Only with a hand grenade that has equal chances to detonate as to not while producing a scent that is desired. And then detonating. So say why he was chosen at some point. Then, fix the occasional missing word problem. For example, the hell is Luna wielding for this fight?

where is the next chapter? im losing my mind again!

I need more of this fic i beg you please i need it i re... *clears throat* sorry but i would like more thank you.

5612138 Lots of shit has been going on in my life but the next chapter is 3,000 words and is now at this moment 763 words. Got a ways to go

5613422 ok its totaly fine having some shit in your life for eksampel i right at the moment have writers block so i have some halv made stories i just cant finish, even though i have lots of ideas when i sit at my pc ready for writing it all goes away just like that, then i just sit there getting bored, then i begin reading some other story and forget all about it.
(Sorry for me flipping out like that, but this fic is so awesome)
Hey, shit happens but the Best thing to so is just get over it, even if its hard, because Wien you Fall you need to just get up again. (Last part there i learned from snowboarding)
(Man i hate auto correct)

this is AMAZING PLEASE UPDATE SOON

5684201 next chapter is at 1,500 but i have the ACTs coming up so I may not get to work on them for a time.

Nice story fave and follow, but I also will say that there are Words missing here and there.
The most obvious is when luna equip her armor and something black silver with two holes and a wodden handle :derpytongue2: (I supose it is a sword?).
Hope you well and have a nice day (please sir can we have Another update? :fluttercry:) :pinkiehappy:.

It has been a while and my memory of the previous version of this is dodgy but exactly what changed?

These ponies really need to stop attacking everything different they see

6010905 But if they started doing that, they'd stop being the ponies we all know and kinda love (all of us have our favorites and those we can't really stand after all)! And heaven FORBID they start THINKING before they attack:trollestia:, if they ever did THAT they may acquire IQ points!!:twilightoops:

where is the next chapter? the chaos levels aren't nearly high enough.
I want to see what happens next, and so many things could happen. (madman smile)

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