• Member Since 7th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen 4 hours ago

Scarheart


Honor the Goddess of the Sun, Respect the Goddess of the Night, Love the Goddess of Hearts, and Bow to the Queen of Darkness. Oh, and give Twilight a noogie.

E

Celestia has waited a long time for this. In order for her to be able to bear foals, she had to first give up her power and connection to the sun, as its weight had long ago caused tragedy in her younger years. She spent the centuries waiting for the perfect opportunity. The opportunity came in the form of Twilight Sparkle, the Bearer of the Element of Magic. Once she gave her former student and most recent addition to the alicorn ranks her power, she had a window of exactly one year to carry a foal to term.

Imagine her surprise when she found out she was expecting twins!

This is the story of the special day all those years had led up to and life in Canterlot terrorized filled with the pitter-patter of little hooves.

This is a story about Foals...

Pilot chapter of a series planned to be released this summer. I decided to enter this in The Most Dangerous Game Contest.

I need a nice bit of cover art for this... I guess I'll have to dust off the pad and break out the pencils!:twilightsmile:

MLP:FiM is the owned by Hasbro.
MLP:FiM was created by Lauren Faust.
All OCs are mine unless specified.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 74 )

I loved this! So cute! Hope to see more!

Been waiting for this when you show the preview of the story, nice job. Now, lets see how the two bundles of joy grow.

Meanwhile, poor Harold is lost in the labyrinth that is the Royal Library...


This was just beatutiful, and I can't wait to see you do more with it. Unfortunately, as it seems to be a sequel to My Daughter Chrysalis, I suppose we'll have to wait for that to get done to avoid too many spoilers. Not that I mind too much if we get more MDC in the meantime.

Some questions to be answered too, chiefly Who's the father? Also, though we can make a pretty accurate guess, what happened during Celestia's previous attempt at motherhood?

Love it! I always like Celestia acting like a mother and a OP Twilight in charge with nearly isane breakdown? It's just delicious. I wonder what she did to Harold? I hope we will have more of their interactions, he seems funny.
Keep the good work! Can we expect regulary uptdate?

4578305 It's not so much a sequel as a spin-off. Chrysalis will be busy dealing with her responsibilities, but she might make a cameo appearance here and there.

As to your query as to what happened the first time...An Immortal Price.

who dares not to like this fic?

4578797 There's always someone out there. Probably mad there's a human tag on it (they're background characters! Like Applejack!):trollestia:

4578798 foolz, not knowing a good fic when seeing one

still, good fic man :pinkiehappy: hope it won't end up as pilot only

4578808 I still want to go over this chapter...it feels as though it can be cleaned up a touch before I press on with raising the foals.

4578809 link me up... and you will hear my thoughts.... would need to read it few more times

This is a pretty good read.

Like the topic, needs more mother Celestia fics out there and don't feel that any of the characters are to terribly out of place. Don't even mind the whole Humans being in Equestira, it's your future world do what you will.

That being said I do have one big problem with this fic...

“Forever!” came an unbidden ghostly voice from...somewhere.
“Bad timing, Pinkie Pie!” Celestia called out.
“Oh! Sorry, princess!” The ghostly voice was unsurprisingly chipper.

And

“Forever!” floated Pinkie Pie’s disembodied voice.
Isn’t she still in Ponyville? wondered Twilight as she stared off in the general direction of her home.
“Pardon me,” asked Harold as he gulped fearfully, “but is the castle haunted?” He cast his eyes about the room, his whites very much visible.
“No,” replied Luna, waving a hoof dismissively. “‘Tis but the voice of our very own Pinkie Pie in a rather impressive display of ventriloquism. Twilight, she seems a bit off today, don’t you think?”
“Sort of,” admitted the younger alicorn. “I just can’t put my hoof on it.”
“Just trying to avoid unnecessary dialect!” yelled an apparently very distant Pinkie Pie. “I don’t think it’s working! Isn’t that silly? Of course it’s silly, because I’m waaaaay over here yelling and everypony is staring at me but I don’t mind because sometimes you gotta yell to be heard because you’re waaaay over there and I’m getting the girls together so we can have a party. Tell Celestia to smile with each contraction! It’ll help! And—whoops!”
Luna and Twilght shared a look. Both mares rolled her eyes and giggled nervously. They waited for the very strange and disturbing conversation to continue. After a few minutes of odd silence, they simply assumed it was over and wondered what had just happened.
“How…?” ventured Luna.
“I’m working on it,” replied Twilight with a wan smile. “She’s got some sort of magic about her I can’t even begin to understand.” She turned to Harold. “Shall we get going, Harold?”

These 2 portions took me right out of the story. Honestly I feel that they need to be gone with. Inside jokes like these, while common in most fan fics, are really big mood breakers unless done well and in a way that doesn't break they flow. Also doesn't help that the characters themselves are questioning how this is happening and while sometimes "That's Pinkie being Pinkie" could work as an explanation lots of people abuse that to have Pinkie just break any and all set rules established.

And yes, yes I know about how it's her "thing" to not make sense at times and break the laws of physics but there ARE rules that she has to follow, the Rule of Funny being the most important one.

Other than that really I don't have to much of a qualm with this story and am interested to see more.

P.S. You should totally take out the period in the title... feels like it would looks better.

The word count alone told me that this was going to be good. And it was!:yay:
Simply magnificent. Eagerly awaiting for more.

I like the idea of Celestia and Luna being mothers, so this was a treat to read. I noticed a few grammatical errors, but those can be taken care of by proofreaders with your planned continuations to the story. The real question here, for me anyway, is how will you continue the tale? Will you have the story center around the antics of the foals as they grow up? Of Celestia learning the trials of motherhood? Will you have a spinoff story that follows the foals while continuing the main story with Celestia? There are a number of ways to expand the story if wish it to continue, and I just offered a few suggestions on how that could be done.

It's this type of stories that make this website something us bronies feel proud of being part of, the story (so far) is very well written, if we exclude the fact that the title has a period when it shouldn't have any the story is a very entertaining story.

The only question I have is: What will Blueblood do to Antares and Zaniah?

Nice story. I'll keep reading. Just one thing about the birth (since it's about magical talking equines it probably doesn't much matter) : a foal is usually on it's hooves and following mama around very quickly, within an hour or two anyway. Of course the Cake twins were all bundled up in beds after they were born. I can hardly wait to see what alicorn magic surges are like. heh

Ah! Spoilers! Spoilers! Noooo!

4579164 I should do that...I just don't work with Pinkie enough and thought it would be nice to have her break the fourth wall, as well as funny. Swing and a miss, I guess.:pinkiecrazy:
As for the period in the title...that was more of a reminder to me to keep it foal.:rainbowlaugh:

4579246 Eh, don't let word counts fool you, but thank you for your kind words!:scootangel:

4579725 It was largely unedited...I've got someone going over it right now.

4579905 Blueblood will love the crap out of them. Believe it or not, he's all about family in this story. The kids need someone to pick on.:raritywink:

4579951 I wrestled with that idea, then just decided to go with how newborns were portrayed with the Cakes. Works fine, imo.:moustache:

4580179 Fear not, gentle reader! I haven't yet gotten to how things seem to be in this one!:twilightsmile:

Just curious, what is the significance of the names Antares and Zaniah?

4578760 I was just about to ask if this was a sequel to An Immortal Price.

Very strong names for foals.

4580606 They are the names of stars in other constellations in our night sky. Look them up! :)

I've enjoyed this first chapter. Lots of good feelings. :)

Loved it! Please post more of this soon. If this was just a rough draft, I can't wait to see the rest of the story as it comes out.

Good, but looooong...think you could have written it in several chapters, broken it down some. But otherwise, super good!

4582570 I'll try to make them as comfortable as possible for readers...I do have a tendancy to get into detail with what's going on around the characters.

4582603 That is all fine and dandy, it just could have been broken down in several places!

Otherwise, the flow is nice, as is the dialogue...you kept a good balance. :)

story is great, missed the part where humans came into equestrian, don't like that kind of stuff but I'll allow it! More chapters!:pinkiecrazy:

Then the father is revealed to be... MISTER SPRIGGS! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

4586207 Then... IT'S CHRYSALIS!!! Omfg! It makes perfect sense! She laid eggs in her that hatched! No not really but tbh if it's an OC i don't really want to know... mostly because i won't know said OC.

The humans in the story feel a bit ... tacked-on. You've jumped straight past first-contact with very little detail - obviously, you've got something in mind for them (probably Harold) and didn't want to deal with initial contact, but I hope you get to making them a bit more relevant pretty soon.

Otherwise, fun read so far.

4588329 As this is a spin-off to another story currently running. Such desriptions and history regarding First Contact will come throughout that story. It's called "My Daughter Chrysalis".

4612569 It's a pilot chapter. I'll wait until the results of the contest before I start working on the first story arc. Until then, it's considered 'complete'. Besides, I might make a few changes to it before pressing on (like take the human element out and make it its own story not tied to some of my other stories).

We'll see! :twilightsmile:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

I felt completely lost. You at least addressed the issue of the foals' father, but why were there humans in this? What purpose did they have? As far as I can see, you could have gotten rid of them entirely and just focused on the birth.

4613141 It's supposed to be a spinoff from another story I am working on. No, the humans aren't necessary, but trying to create a world larger than most people expect can cause such confusion. I regret nothing and am using this story to develops and possibly make some changes. There's a niche for everything on this site and I understand not everyone is going to like my writings. Most of them are tied together. Your thoughts are appreciated and thank you for commenting!

Very cute, though the main thing that impresses me is how Celestia's water breaks and spontaneously evaporates. :raritywink:

4614507 I wanted to keep it rated 'Everyone', so I skipped out on that (probably could have dwelled on that a little bit).

Eh, what's done is done. I'll fix it after the contest. Would not be fair to do so during the judging.

4614635 Oh! no problem.:rainbowlaugh: I was just teasing, though I think her water breaking could still be appropriate. Either way, very cute and fun.

Alright, you got me interested. When you do go back and edit it, I kinda hope you keep the humans in, even if for the sole fact of addressing them. And you know, the whole deal with Harold.

4640956 I'll wait until after the contest and take stock of where it stands. You've given me something to think about. Thank you for favoriting it! :twilightsmile:

Now pardon me while I go have a heart attack after having one of the site's moderators remark on one of my stories.:pinkiecrazy:

:rainbowkiss: it's up... Can't wait to read it. Need to re read pilot

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