• Member Since 6th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Apr 22nd, 2018

Sturrn


T
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When a guy with a British accent walks into your backyard and wants to talk about ponies just walk away and lock the door behind you. Among all things to remember is if someone asks if you want to go to Equestria choose your words very carefully more than likely you won't get exactly what you asked for.

This is a part of the story universe called "Chess Game of the Gods", which took its' start in "The Ballad of Echo the Diamond Dog" which was continued upon by Blackwing in his story "Griffin the Griffin", and now the whole planet is a playing board for some easily amused deities.
Contains Anubite goodness

Chapters (15)
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Comments ( 236 )

Here is the first chapter of many to come.
Thanks to Blackwing and Rust for making and expanding the universe for which we derive our stories.

This was started on Tuesday and I thought I would be the next play to join but it seems the universe grew exponentially
and soon 5 new fics had joined the ranks.

Can anyone guess what all the chapter names are from?
Honestly your awesome if you can but anyway more chapters will be coming out as soon as they are ready and up to snuff.

Animated skeletons now this should be fun.

I wanted to read this. I really did. Alas; you need like twice as many periods. There are run-on sentences EVERYWHERE.

Sorry, but you miss A LOT of punctuation. Try to get a proofreader to help you - spellings are all correct but I don't really like it without the proper punctuation. :fluttershyouch:

751177 thank you telling me I thought originally that the sentences seemed pretty long but my proofreader left me to go play WoW so yeah that's a thing.

751172 I'm glad you wanted to read it but if it needs more periods then more periods it shall receive.
A plethora of periods minus the 'excess of' part that plethora entails.

This has a lot of potential.

I see a few mistakes, but I also see areas where improvement can be vastly made. There is never such a thing as a horrible story, only stories where authors refuse to improve upon their work. You want to improve it, so this story has so much potential for success it's ridiculous. I suggest asking around for a proofreader or editor, like I did. I met Avorin that way, by chance, and the awesome Gryphon/New Best Friend is so helpful when I write it's amazing I even wrote without him!

So, check this out:
http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=27

Helpful, huh? I thought so too!

Now, check this out:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/12_FiNmrDP95GRLVoSELYo5NM__E9P8MejoxNKp6uLr0/edit

Scroll down to the bottom and look for proofreaders who are not occupied with anyone. It's the best place to start and I suggest just going through the list, sending out a simple message to request their assistance, then patiently waiting. If you need any help at all, or if you can't find any and still need help, I'll be happy to do my best and try my best to help you out when I can.

Keep up the awesome work! Remember, those who stop improving never get a chance to see victory! Don't let anything, anyone says hurt you. They say it so you can recognize an area that may need a little work, so that when you do start working on, you'll know it's an important area that will draw you a lot of attention when it's improved upon, even just slightly!

Great work! Now soldier on!

751172
He's right. It's a good concept, you just really need to up the number of sentences.

omg he,s a sekeletal anubis this idea pleases me

751927

Thank you for accually addressing my concern. For that, I will follow this story.

Interesting concept, but please oh please do something about the lack of punctuation! It made this very painful to read :fluttershysad:

753712 Honestly I made it pretty blatant but no one else decided to post a comment on it so congratulations your first.

753712

Knock Knock

Whos there?

Doctor

Doctor Who?

Exactly.

best joke ever to pull on someone.

Dem bones. Dem bones. Dem, drrryyyy bones.~
"Great job: I have to hand it to you, you've disarmed me. Now, would you mind passing it back? I'd do it myself, but I seem to be a little short-handed at the moment."
I hope to see a joke about getting a knife in the ribs/a knife tickling Rorke's ribs.
Please, oh please have someone try to play his ribs like a xylophone.
Maybe Rorke and Knightmare could participate in song, detailing the bones of the diamond dog body. Maybe a little something like this.
I really like this story so far, the character is really awesome, and I don't know if anyone has done a mind and soul transfer into an already existing body yet, but there are A LOT of grammar errors. There also seem to be some places where the word choices and word order just don't make sense. It is still a very funny story so far though.
Are you going to have anyone ask him to lend a hand like in this clip?
That's a good boy, Rorke. That's a good boy. Now, play dead...er...Undead?...Alive? Well what do you know: I guess that you really CAN teach an old dog a new trick.
Please pardon me for the pesky plethora of puns.

Great character concept. Can't wait to see how he does in society.

I used to be a human like you. Then I took a Sonic Screwdriver to the face.

Must, read, more, awesomeness... I need more awesomeness!!! Please? Fav'd already!

756389 What a cowinkydink... I used to be a human too. Only at some point I got stabbed, then turned into a manticore :pinkiecrazy:


eheh, no but seriously this story has waaaaay to little punctuation.:

Oh, yes. This fellow has the potential to be extremely punny. :pinkiehappy:

I hope you exploit the hell out of that. =3

756119 There is a comedy tag yet I hadn't even though of all the bone puns and jokes that can be made.
Thank you for that. The next chapter will be coming out tomorrow but the one after that won't come out till I get my proofreader. so there's that

759022 You're welcome, and I'm glad that I was able to give you some (hopefully) good ideas.:twilightsmile: So the next chapter is coming out later today, huh? I look forward to reading it.

757097 :yay:Yay for you! Now you get to go and have flying, poison stabby-stabby fun times.:pinkiecrazy:

759022 Please have him introduced to ponyville on Nightmare Night!
I can just see for me so many puns can be made.... even though I have no eyes! Skull joke!
And will milk work like a health potion for him (healing bone fractures ect...)?
Can he run on water and jump ridiculous hights, because of how light he is now? 'Gone with the wind'?
If he gets lonely, have him hide in someones closet... I guess Celestia has a good amount of skeletons in her closet.
This might be his new theme song...

762401 prepare for mass info dump: Honestly if I can get a time line of when all event are in calendar form that would be great. I'm currently unaware if Nightmare night has already passed or is after the gala. I have a month to burn before the gala so if it's before the GGG then I could do that. I'll have to ask others what they think. As far as health potions work he can't drink or eat anything he doesn't have a digestive system. He runs on latent energy that also is what keeps him together and puts him back together, for example when the guard cut off his arm he jammed it back into place and it sealed into place by itself. No he can't run on water in fact bones sink in water, with so much less surface area without skin he would sink very fast but no lack of air so there's that. Think of Anubites as the dog version of the feline tribes found within the rainforest. They can jump just as high, Rorke with his lightweight (approx. 60ib fully geared) could probably jump higher but it would present a danger as when he comes down he would have to slow down or risk shattering his leg bones. YES YES a million times YES. Will he be scaring the tar out of ponies before,during, and after nightmare night? Yes but specifically that night as it is most appreciated by the community and wouldn't get him chased out of town. When you say theme song I immediately think of this . Thank you for giving the story a try and I love answering question from people so feel free to ask more if you feel the need but somethings are spoiler-ish and can't be revealed.

Sad announcement: The new chapter won't be posted today because I want my proofreader to look at it first also they looked at the other two chapters so those should be corrected later on as well. I'm sorry
- Sturrn

My thoughts. Very interesting.
A skeleton is a fun idea. Easily re-attach limbs that have been severed hehe. But since we got skeleton is the next thing on the board a zombie? or necromancer?

763494 Give him some shoes or sandals.... problem solved, and he'll be all 'Jesus ain't got s*** on me'!
I was thinking about 'Ain't no grave'(badass mode: activated) too, but then I saw the Comedy-tag (slap-stick humor?).

Bones can handle quite some pressure (alot of less momentum builds up without all that flesh), and it's just the initial contact and momentum which 'causes fractured and broken bones without the metacarpal- and digital pads (some sandals will fix that + opens up for the claws)! Hypothetical... if a human was just skeletal with just the fleshy undersole of the feet, there would not be enough force applied to break/fracture bone + the way dogs and especialy cats limbs are designed, they can better dispearce the occuring force of a fall (as long they land on their feet!). So technicaly.... as long as Rorke is not wearing a set of full plate armour and armed to the theeth (working out from your profile pic), he can fall from the moon and down to Equestria, if he don't burn up in the atmosphere (but hey.... RD's flesh ain't tearing when she rips through Mach 1) and Rorke manages to land on his feet!

Regarding whether NN comes before or after GGG is hard to say.... NN is the episode before the ''Sisterhooves social'', Which then again is 4 episodes from ''Sweet and Elite'' where Twilight comments that GGG is just around the corner (+ two episodes later ''Hearth's warming eve'')
and then the question raises..... was NN right before winter, or right after (I would guess before, as it's theme is somewhat 'autumm/Fallish'-based.
Considering that there is not much 'timespace' between ''Sweet and Elite'' and ''Hearth's warming eve'' (IF one works out from the vantage point that there are no regular timeskips between each episode, and it does wary from a couple of days up to several months).

My guess would be:
-''Winter wrap-up''
-''Sisterhooves Social'' (spring)
-''Best Young Flyer competition'' (my guess is that this is early summer, general 'feel' of the episode, but honestly....)
-''Summer Sun Celebration'' (mid-summer)
-Grand Galloping Gala (Late summer/early autumm) (every 4th year in this universe?)
-Nightmare Night (autumm)
-Running of the leaves (autumm)
-Hearth warmings eve (winter)

BTW: are Rorke going to have fun with the ''Equestrian'' version of 'Book of the dead''?

763988
-The comedy is there for when the situation calls for it, if it isn't needed then it won't be included. Also slapstick will be used sparingly for obvious reasons.
- Rorke will most certainly be getting toe-less foot wraps because why buy the whole shoe when you don't need it.
- Thank you for the timescale that actually makes things much easier now.
- BTW:huge spoiler: Sorry can't talk about the book at this time.
Reader feedback is the best kind and your certainly helped thank you.
-Sturrn

757097
Or just how the Doctor seems to speak?

I find it strange that the Doctor is also part of this. Oh well, lets have this train wreck of a crossover mayhem roll on.

I noticed you didnt have much puncuation. Here, take some of these:
:.../,;,/;/\,;\;],/[.\[;=-;=,-/.`>?><?<>&$^)@#__$@(*%&$#*^!_%#@^)*&$*_><?<,,.;,.,/,;\]/\',;'/|'][/\;][/\]'/,[.,./],.\/[.\,/;'[,/[\[./=-

775227 The first chapter has been proofread and the second should be put up by tonight and the third WILL go up tomorrow.
punctuation will be included in all these things.
-Sturrn

Just a question out of curiosity ... but why do authors continue to create stories based in this little fandom universe?

781621 Simple enough, it allows a great collaborative effort and gives a launching point for those who wish write but don't want to break in to the community alone. The fact that anything can go is also enticing whether or not you label it Canon to the universe as I said anything goes. Lastly it's fun seeing how other people with creature I have never heard of introduce them into the world. My one complaint though is the fact that there are alot of one-shot creatures. Creatures that only exist with the main character, after they die won't be seen again kind of irks me wrong.

If your still reading this long comment then I should tell you before this story I had been writing a fic for 3 months that all together would have been almost 3/4 the size of "My second life" but all the data was saved on my phone as I used it like a mobile pen pad. Long story short the phone was stolen in jewelery class the day before everything was going to be taken off it. I got depressed but got over it when I saw Griffin was updated and making a whole universe in of itself. The loss of my story is what solidified my making of this particular story.
-Sturrn

781678 You and everyone else need not worry. Chapter 4 is currently at 1k words and will be done much sooner than it took chapter 3 to come out. Also little survey.
Was the punctuation and grammar better in this chapter? I proofread it myself this time as well as 2, chapter 1 was done by my proofreader
-Sturrn

Weapons.... check.
Friend......... check.
Armor......... Pending.
Something to do with the rest of your unlife........... Priceless.

781706

It was quite decently done, you're lacking a lot of commas though, mostly in conversations. Like the tailor's first line :twilightsmile:

No junk or need to defecate or urinate... Dear God. :twilightoops:

Me likee this so far. And I actually walk like Rorke sometimes. I actually do walk on my toes sometimes.

781706 Yes, the punctuation and grammar were much better this chapter. I was a little taken a-back by Rorke asking about the strange symbol on Sturrn's shoulder right after saying that he was blind.
You do realize that Rorke and Echo must meet, right? Echo will be all kinds of jelly at how Rorke can talk and that he doesn't even have any throat flesh what-so-ever.
Hmm...I wonder if Rorke ever goes to pieces in incredibly stressful, emotional situations,:trollestia: (Heh, a Piece go ing to pieces.I wonder if intense grief causes him to fall apart.
"Oh Rorke, it's not that bad. Pull yourself together, man."
I still really like this story.

783683 Wow... my continuity in that line of thinking must have been pretty bad if I let that slip by, thank you for letting me know.
As for Echo and Rorke meeting. Rorke will have to talk to Daring Do because she has some serious knowledge on a subject that will come much later in the story. So unfortunately it will be a long time coming. What will come sooner is Rorke will have to talk Growl on a subject and Steelhorn may come into that conversation as well, but I will have to talk to Blackwing to see if those two are doing anything at the Gala that makes them unavailable.
I have been keeping a note of all the puns given to me by various people, yours is going on there immediately. Glad you like the story.
-Sturrn

784768 You're welcome.
It makes sense that Rorke would have to talk to Daring Do about something: She is an explorer and archaeologist who goes around recovering the lost relics of ancient civilizations, and Rorke's very BODY is a relic of an ancient civilization. It stands to reason that they would have much to discuss. She would also probably be fascinated by the original Rorke's memories of what his civilization was like. I have no problem with having to wait for any of the meetings. I just want to witness them eventually happen, is all. There is a time and a place for everything, and trying to jam an event in where there is really no place for it yet doesn't do a story any favors.
Yay! I'm (possibly) helping. I'm glad that I like the story too.
-AliCentaur Br0ny

793872 You sir are in major luck I literally just seconds ago finished the next chapter and it should be up incredibly soon.

793929 It was not luck....... look out your window.
What do you see?

793955 your my 26 year old neighbor that is some how balding and looks through my window?
This is indeed a revelation.

..... I detect a paragraph long reffrence.

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