//------------------------------// // You're a Fearsome Warrior Act Like it // Story: Skeletons of the Past // by Sturrn //------------------------------// Chapter Six You're a Fearsome Warrior Act Like it This Chapter is pending a re-write. Waking up early is great, it really is because the effort involved with waking up early keeps you alert. So when vengeful guards come to kill you in your sleep, you’re totally prepared for the attack. I did not wake up early. I was pulled from my slumber by the impacting of hooves onto the floor of the barracks. I ‘opened’ my eyes, how that works without eyes or eyelids I will never know. Once opened however, they were unblinking, and what I saw was strange to say the least. A guard in black armor that looked vaguely familiar was creeping toward my bed with a sword in his mouth. Upon more in depth inspection, I saw why the guard looked familiar; he was the guard whose tail I cut off a few days ago. The cut under his eye I had given him was a dead gave away. I held stock still in my bed until I knew he had come to do anything that involved me. ‘He may not even recognize me, and could actually be here for Sturrn. Now there’s an idea.’ Those hopes were quickly dashed when he began to speak. “You’re a slippery mongrel, but I finally found you.” He kept his advance toward me slow but sure. “How stupid are you really? Hiding from a guard INSIDE the castle, did you honestly think, just because you tricked the solar guard that you wouldn’t be discovered by the lunar guard?” He crept even closer, until he was standing right over my body. “I would give you the privilege of waking you before your death, but I got so much shit when you cut my tail off, you don’t even deserve that.” He hissed the last sentence with such hatred I’m surprised he wasn’t born a snake. ‘I’m guessing having his junk on display for everyone to see wasn’t really popular with ponies.’ He continued his evil villain monologue a while longer, so I thought about my rebuttal for a second. “Now, why don’t you do me a favor, and die like the rest of your miserable race.” He reared his head back to plunge the sword forward, but that provided the perfect opportunity to grab the blade. I flexed up, careful to avoid hitting my head on the top of the bunk. Shooting my arm forward I grabbed the thrusting sword by the blade. “I’m sorry; I didn’t quite catch that last part, do you mind repeating it?” His pupils shrunk immediately and only then did I realize that by lying down and putting my hand up, gravity took over and the part of my robe that concealed my hand was down and revealing my skeletal forearm. “Oh that is not good, but I guess starting the fight now would be beneficial.” I wretched the sword from his jaw and threw my right fist into the side of his head, sending him tumbling to the floor. Using the immediate lull in combat I jumped out of bed, and readied myself for some unarmed hand to hoof fighting. None of the solar guards had woken from the scuffle, but that would soon change. The stallion whose name I still hadn’t acquired brought himself to his hooves and gave a low growl before charging. My vision momentarily flooded itself with the knowledge of fights I had never participated in. That knowledge may have helped me had it not blinded me, and left me open to his charge and subsequent buck. His hooves impacted square in my chest, sending me flying across the room easily thirty or more feet until I slammed into an empty bed, sending a metallic ring throughout the barracks. ‘Weighing less than fifty pounds total definitely makes a straight up battle of strength a no go.’ Across the line, I saw a couple of guards were awoken by the loud ring but were nowhere close to stopping the fight. He charged forward closing the distance between us as I got back up to my feet. I was ready for his attack this time though. When he spun at the end, I jumped to the side and lashed out with the claws on my feet raking the side of his armor with jagged lines. Having no armor to speak of and my opponent wearing a full set of plate armor promised to make this fight interesting. He turned toward me and bucked again, only to get a hoof full of air and a face full of bone. I had slid along the floor to avoid his kick, putting me in the perfect position for an uppercut, and that in of itself deserved a one liner. “Giddy up now, to HELL!” My opponent was pushed a few feet away but managed to stay on his feet. We both began a series of parrying and deflecting blows that left us equally matched. It seems that he was just bad at swordplay last time, or I’m still bad at hand to hand even with all these memories. We continued to fight for a minute leaving him with four massive gashes on his front legs, and me with a severely torn up robe. He jumped to hoof me in the head but I continued my series of dodging and evasion techniques, just in time to kick him in the back. Unfortunately our fight had woken up the whole barracks and my bones were on permanent display. Given a pause in the battle the stallion made one last effort to push for a nonexistent victory. After a particularly hard kick to his side, he had been relocated right next to his sword. He drew the weapon into his mouth as I was barreling down on him and couldn’t stop my momentum. The solar guards around us were also attempting to stop the fight, but it was all too late. I practically threw myself on his sword, and taking a note from sharks he thrashed around as I was stuck in his sword tearing a large hole in my robe. A gasp rippled throughout the whole crowd, until someone spoke up. A far off voice shouted from the other end of the barracks. A voice I knew very well. “Auburn stop this fight that is an order!” Sturrn had been woken up, though a little late. I was thrown off the sword when my only friend in this world slammed directly into my assailant, sending him flying. Sturrn stood there until he saw me on my back lying on the floor. “Rorke get up, I know that didn’t hurt in the least.” It was a gruff command that I heeded quickly. “Guardstallions, arrest private Auburn.” He turned to me “Sorry for this Rorke, I promise you’ll be free soon.” Once more turning to the crowd he said sharply. “Detain Rorke as well, we will be setting out to the royal court and speaking to the princesses immediately.” The crowd of guards closed in on us immediately. I simply put my hands forward and allowed a guard to put some cuffs on my wrists. He seemed a little disturbed by the whole ‘no skin or muscle’ thing but he got over it quick. My opponent didn’t offer any resistance either but that was an option thrust upon him instead of a choice. It seemed he was losing consciousness fast, and blood was flowing out at a rate that seemed rather unhealthy. We were lead out of the barracks in a double line. I stood up and walked next to Sturrn while silently shifting in my robes to disguise my bones. The beaten stallion was carried on another guard’s back. Approaching the main castle entrance; I started getting nervous and wanted to talk to Sturrn, but it wasn’t the time for a conversation. Eventually we made it to the court doors that were flanked on either side by a set of gold plated guards. One of the door guards began to speak slowly. “What is the purpose of this Sturrn, has there been a disturbance in the guard?” Sturrn drew in a breath before continuing. “Yes Irongate, I’m afraid there has been a disturbance and we need an audience with both Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, immediately if you would.” Irongate began his slow speech pattern once more. “I will only allow five to enter as a group, court rules state as such. If more are required you will need the princess’s permission. Now please enter and inform the princess inside of your request.” A confused look spread across Sturrn’s face as he addressed the guard once more. “What do you mean “inform the princess inside” do you not know which is in there?” “I haven’t opened this gate in almost an hour, usually around this time the princesses switch courts, so no I don’t know which princess is in there.” With that final statement the guard on both the left and right of the gate pushed open the large doors. I looked inside the hall and saw my favorite pony sitting on the throne surrounded by golden guards. Princess Celestia was beginning court and just walking out the door was Princess Luna. I reached my cuffed hands toward her and shouted. “Princess Luna, wait!” My call earned me hoof to the leg from Sturrn, but also it got the princess to turn around and walk over to our group. She stared at me perplexedly before speaking. “Was it you in the robes that called for me?” Sturrn decided to take control of the conversation before I could. “Yes Princess Luna it was and although he shouldn’t have ordered you.” He glared at me a little but my mind was still in fight mode. Calm but ready, and his glare that induced a chilling in my bones was useless this time. He didn’t seem to notice. “Your presence along with your sister’s is required for this trial.” She perked up a little at that. “A trial you say, would that be why this diamond dog, and my guard behind you are both in cuffs?” “Yes, unfortunately that would be the case.” She looked rather disappointed at the guard and then me before speaking again. “Well since this involves both the lunar and solar guard, Tia will be presiding over the trial with me. Sturrn, the diamond dog, private Auburn, and the guards carrying him may enter.” She pointed at the other guards with a hoof. “The rest of you may return to your barracks and get ready for your patrol.” There was a murmur of ascent, and the groups separated. Sturrn walked toward Princess Celestia before bowing and beginning his conversation with her. “Princess Celestia, I’m sorry for the court interruption but we had a mild infraction earlier. Private Auburn of the lunar guard and Rorke, the dog in the robes you see over there got into quite the fight.” She nodded from what I could see and continued. “I see, it’s unfortunate that happened but I must ask what the charges would be as well as who they are being levied against.” “The charges against Auburn are assault of Rorke Chardstone, the diamond dog, as well as use of a deadly weapon and guard brutality against a law abiding civilian.” That sounds like quite a list but if he’s going to go all out I’ll have my own rap sheet soon too. “I see Sergeant, and what of Rorke? Did he break any laws?” He sighed and looked resigned to his fate. “Yes I’m afraid so Princess; three counts of assault on a guard, four counts of stealing royal property, breaking and entering on royal grounds, and lastly impersonation of a guard." What the FUCK is Sturrn doing! He was supposed to be helping and “making sure I go free” not giving me a million crimes that I’m going to have to debate against. “I see sergeant, well then let’s get this trial started shall we?” She seemed to be in deep contemplation on something, and this trial wasn’t it. “Of course princess right away.” He turned to the other guards and motioned them to approach while Luna walked over to Celestia and stood next to her. Celestia was the first to speak. “Court is now in session, we will start with the trial of Rorke Chardstone. Please step forward.” I did just that and then stood there waiting for her to address me again. “Rorke Chardstone, you have been accused of three counts of assault on a guard, four counts of stealing royal property, breaking and entering on royal grounds, and impersonation of a solar guard. How do you plead?” “Not guilty Princess, based on evidence of circumstance.” Yeah let’s go with that. This trial is going to be hard enough without anymore of Sturrn’s ‘help’ but, I don’t think my ‘not a living skeleton’ disguise will function anymore with three guards knowing the truth now. “Well that is certainly a first, as far as evidence for innocence goes. You may proceed with your case, but first.” She turned toward Luna “Luna do you think you can heal your guard’s wounds. It seems he is hurt and bleeding. I’m sure the guards supporting him don’t appreciate blood draining onto them.” Luna simply nodded, her horn glowed for a few second and then it was done. “Now, you may plead your case.” I thought on it for a moment before deciding that it would be better that she see this now instead of accidently seeing it later, or hearing it from her guards. “Princess Celestia, Princess Luna may I make a request that what is shown in this room not be spoken of outside of this room?” Both princesses answered at the same time. “Yes, as long as it doesn’t endanger the Equestrian populace.” They both looked at each other before focusing once more on the issue made prevalent. “I would like to express my wishes that, though this may look extremely strange and perhaps dangerous, I mean you no harm.” Everyone but Sturrn tensed up a little fully expecting some kind of attack now. I took note of all the guards around me before reaching up with my cuffed hands and removing my face wrap. Revealing my skinless skull, this immediately caused a couple of the guards to flinch and one even looked like he was about to puke. The princesses just stood still with a perceptive look on each of their faces. I didn’t stop at my head though, almost a minute later my whole skeletal body was on display. That one guard did end up losing his lunch around the time I revealed my stomach area. Another guard behind me also lost his, about the time when my rib cage began showing. Luckily both guards broke their stances and rushed toward the nearest garbage can. I couldn’t really tell what either princess was feeling at the moment; Luna had adopted Celestia’s emotion withholding facial expression. “So princesses, I will be explaining now exactly what you are viewing and not the censored version I gave Sturrn.” I stole a quick glance at Sturrn and saw a hint of anger smothered under his stone like calm. Princess Celestia was the first to speak. “Rorke, I think it would be prudent of you to explain, why exactly your body is just a skeleton of a diamond dog yet you are somehow alive.” “Okay so let’s begin this fascinating tale from the beginning. I’m originally what you would call a human, they’re a-“ Celestia interrupted rather quickly “Rorke, I already know all about humans and have had my fair share of interactions with them. Now I’m going to take a shot it the dark and say, someone offered you a chance to come to Equestria and you took it because your life was going nowhere, but I’m currently at a loss for how you’re a reanimated skeleton.” ‘Wow, I was not expecting that in the least, kind of rude response though. She is under pressure with the Gala coming up soon however.’ I decided to ignore “Well the person who sent me was named ‘The Doctor’ and he asked me what exactly I wanted to be. I made the dumb decision of being vague in my choice. My exact words were “Something like a diamond dog but faster and a little less meat on them.” now that I think on it, the wording was terrible.” Celestia cracked a mild smile and began to speak as Luna stayed quiet “Yes that was rather poor wording but I can see how that got you the body you now inhabit. A diamond dog skeleton is what your words would entail.” “Actually Princess, I’m not a diamond dog I’m an Anubite.” Celestia’s smile faltered into a frown before returning to its emotionless state of display. I continued on anyway. “A very specific Anubite actually, High Priest Rorke Chardstone.” I threw up my still cuffed hands for air quotes. “He’s ‘first among and last of’ the anubites.” Celestia got visibly angry at that last part and let me know it. “Watch what you say about Rorke. He was a great friend and magnificent ruler to his people.” She had a look of silent rage, like she wanted to tear me apart for saying that about her friend. She took a deep breath before continuing. “He never told me what attacked his people or how he did the things he could, but we always shared a cup of tea at four o’ clock. He especially liked-“ It was my time to interrupt. “He liked honey and cream in his tea didn’t he?” She nodded knowingly. “Yes, but how did you know?” “Well Princess, I may be just a human but I have all of Rorke’s memories. Accessing them may take time and knowing exactly what they mean isn’t possible sometimes but on a certain level, Rorke and I are the same person.” I would have figured out the tea thing sooner or later, but telling her about the placard would not have been beneficial at the time. She actually looked receptive now and Luna decided to put her opinion forward. “Celestia, I think we should push this trial forward and worry about this aspect of Rorke later.” The princess nodded and Luna continued. “Rorke, you may present your evidence to defend your case now.” “Thank you princess, now on the account of assault of a guard and stealing royal property those can be explained. When I awoke in the basement of the Canterlot museum I went through the experience of freeing myself from the display case. After that I had a session of anger about my new body before I righted myself. Seeing as all the museum pieces in that room were Rorke’s I figured that taking them would be within my full power. As we speak the double ended axe, the khopesh sword, and gem gauntlet is stowed in the footlocker next to Sturrn and my bunk, the robes however were destroyed and replaced.” “When I took the gauntlet an alarm must have sounded because two guards came in. The lunar guard over there was one of them and where the other is, I have no idea. Before I could explain why I was taking the objects they attacked me. I won the fight for obvious reasoning that I can’t feel pain, even though that guard cut my left arm off.” That seemed to grab Luna’s attention but Celestia had a little smirk. “If I had known we would be talking about the museum so much, I would have boned up on the subject.” Luna turned to her sister with an unamused look on her face. “Tia, this is a serious matter and not the time to be making jokes. This being, this ‘Rorke’ is on trial for assaulting my guards, stealing, and masquerading as a guard.” Celestia sighed and turned to her sister. “Luna, when I first met Rorke thousands of years ago I saw a spark in his eye that said, he was going to do important things. Now that he is back, although lacking the eyes now, I know he is made for important things. Whether for good or evil I don’t know, but should he win this trial I know that events of great priority will follow him.” Celestia just went all prophetic in the middle of court. “Thank you Princess, that means a lot to me, and rest assured that no evil shall wrest itself from my hands.” That was all I could really give her as a promise for my conduct. Then a feeling I hadn’t encountered since coming to Equestria began to set in, the feeling of nervousness. I began to tense up like the guards had earlier. What if I’m found guilty and get thrown in the dungeon for life? As far as I can tell, Skeletons don’t age in the traditional sense. Would the princess take that into account? ‘Wait a second, am I really that stupid? She just said she thought I was innocent, but that was just because of who I am or was. I still have to win this trial, and Sturrn better help me with that. I’m up to the part where he came into the picture.’ Luna saw my change in disposition before anyone else. “Please calm yourself Rorke, we haven’t finished the trial. I would offer you a beverage but we are still in court, and I’m not sure you could drink it if it was offered.” The only way I could tell she was being sincere was the calm and collected smile usually only seen on her sister’s face. “Thank you Princess Luna, but you are correct; I don’t have any living functions anymore so a beverage would probably be a bad idea.” “Then let us continue, I believe you were explaining what happened after you had just beaten my guards with weapons that were thousands of years old.” She looked more disappointed in her guards than angry at me for hurting them but I was done trying to read the princesses expression. They hid their emotions to well. “Yes, I finished the fight and had just made my way out of the basement and started off to a nearby tree for some sleep.” She interrupted immediately. “I thought you said you didn’t have any living functions, why did you go to sleep then?” I really wanted to get to the Sturrn’s part fast, so I sped up the explanation. “I did say that I have no more living functions but I didn’t want to try and not sleep. I had only been in this world for two hours, and already had to break out of a museum after fighting a pair of guards in a body I was sorely unfamiliar with.” She accepted the explanation without further conflict. I continued my plea of innocence. “As I was saying, I slept next to the tree and was awakened by none other than Sergeant Sturrn. Now that I’m up to his part in all of this, I will call Sturrn as a witness. Unfortunately I don’t know his last name so I’ll let him introduce himself.” I turned expectantly toward Sturrn as he marched to my side, unafraid of my form which was a good comfort. He cleared his throat and began to speak with great authority. “Hello, I am Sturrn Lash but you all know that already. This seems to be where my part in these events came in.” He took a large breath and continued. “I was just setting out on patrol for the day when I came across a very large figure sleeping on the aforementioned tree. I went to investigate; soon finding that the figure was what I thought to be a diamond dog, and to go along with it he was armed. We talked for a bit during which I found out he was severely lacking in popular knowledge.” ‘It seems Sturrn does have a last name, and isn’t a one named anomaly.’ He took a quick breath and put his drill sergeant voice back to work. He recounted all of the events up to yesterday’s activities on patrol, keenly forgetting to mention his drinking binge the night before. “We had just left the castle and set out on patrol. The only incident up until half way through was a mare having spat on Rorke’s robes; I gave her a ticket for “Harassment of a public servant” because with Rorke helping me he technically became a public servant.” Celestia looked a little perturbed that Sturrn gave the mare an illegitimate ticket but Luna looked happy with it. “We entered further into the market place when somepony screamed thief. Both of us identified the thief but Rorke made off after him first. I lost view of both of them, so I’ll let Rorke go on from here.” He shifted back to his previous position and looked toward me. I looked toward the two princesses before me and began once more. “When Sturrn lost view of both the thief and I the chase continued throughout the market, until we ran into the residential district of Canterlot. He started kicking obstacles into my path so I jumped over them; unfortunately my new body brought new surprises to the chase. When the first jump came I flew almost thirty feet into the air, and landed on a roof. I continued the chase by running from rooftop to rooftop before jumped off, and tackling the stallion into an alleyway were we struggled momentarily. That is until he set me on fire.” I had the feeling that everyone in the room would be used to this kind of info but all the ponies around me had their eyes bugged out in surprise. So I let the revelation sink in before continuing. “Well as you can see fire doesn’t do much to me, it didn’t even scorch my bones but it burned my other set of robes to cinder so there’s that. He made a run for the alleyway entrance but I stopped him before he could escape.” Celestia was the first to speak, and though she used a sincere voice I could tell it was serious. They both tensed up slightly once more. “Rorke, please tell me you didn’t let anypony see you. I don’t want to have that door over there open and see hundreds of citizens’ pile in, because they saw a flaming skeleton beating a stallion in an alleyway.” Luna remained quiet that must have been her concern as well. “Don’t worry about that Princess; the only ones who know about my skeletal nature are some of those in the guard, the thief, and you two.” That seemed to assuage their fears because they both visibly relaxed once more. Luna spoke first this time. “That is welcome news, with the Grand Galloping Gala in a few days my sister and I don’t need to pacify the citizens of Canterlot.” “You’re probably wondering how I got back to the barracks with no clothes on aren’t you?” Neither princess seemed inclined to agree so I pressed on anyway. “Well I’ll tell you anyway, Sturrn came around the corner several seconds later and after explaining the situation to him we formulated a plan of action. He took my sword and cut me apart, and stuffed me in the trashcan nearby. Taking all my weapons and armor along with the prisoner back to the castle, he returned with my spare robes later that night and we got back to the barracks around eleven thirty.” A guard to my left side spoke up after my explanation. “Mr. Chardstone if you don’t mind me asking how did you escape detection from the guard? It must have taken great stealth and cunning in that endeavor.” It felt like I was about to crush the guard’s reputation in one fell swoop. “Actually I didn’t hide at all, and really just walked around openly with weapons and gear showing. I think maybe one pony stopped me from doing something and that was a chef, when I went to grab some coffee for Sturrn.” He looked demoralized knowing that the guard had failed to identify me at all. I looked at the other guards and they all had that face. A particular night affiliated alicorn brought the conversation back to the trial. “Guardstallion Dawnstrike, I would appreciate it if we kept the conversation relevant to the trial as it continues.” Dawnstrike just stared at his hooves. I was on the last stretch of the evidence run, time to finish strong. “The events have been leading up to this point. When I woke up this morning that guard attacked me, had he actually been stealthy or if I was actually alive, I would be dead right now. We fought until the whole thing was put to a stop by the other guards. We were both escorted here in cuffs, and as you can see he suffered some injuries from both this encounter and his previous one, both were from my actions in self-defense." ‘I really hope all this was enough to sway them because I’m all out of material, unless Sturrn acts as a witness.’ “Is that the end of your litigation? Do you wish to call a witness to testify for you?” Celestia hinted that one pretty hard. “Actually no, I wish to call Sturrn Lash as a witness.” Sturrn looked at me before nodding and stepping forward once more. I got up from my knees which startled some of the guards, but going nice and slow while making no threatening movements calmed them. Once in front of Sturrn I began my question. “Sturrn, please in your own words relay your experience with me to the court.” “I would describe it as stressful, challenging, and an experience in of itself. I wouldn’t lie to you Princess Luna or you Princess Celestia, I wouldn’t have hidden him away if my instincts didn’t tell me to do it on a gut level of reasoning. This whole experience has opened my brain up a little and showed me something. Even though yelling at recruits is very VERY VERY fun, I can’t do it while things like this happen in the guard.” ‘What is Sturrn playing at?’ I asked myself as he continued his speech to the court. “So it is with a heavy heart, that I resign from the guard and it’s thanks to Rorke here. He did this for me so I’ll do this for him, if there is any crime that is being thrown at him then please place the blame on me. This is my fault but if you do convict Rorke of any crimes then it is a travesty against the citizens of Canterlot. He has done more in his few days here than any can claim in their first days of life. That is all your majesties.” He walked back to his previous spot in the court and stood there. Once more I looked around and all the guards had a grim look on their faces which actually looks normal. However the sadness in their eyes was evidence that they would miss Sturrn. I don’t think I could ever thank him enough for his words. Celestia had kept her stone like calm throughout the speech. “Sturrn, I respect your decision but we must discuss something after this trial. Now that your part in this is done, Luna I believe it’s time to pass judgment.” Luna looked shocked at her brighter hued sister. “Tia I’m shocked at you, we haven’t even seen Auburn’s half of the story. He is owed due process.” Celestia looked unfazed by her mistake. “Of course Luna, it had only slipped my mind, now if you could wake him so he could give his half of the story.” Luna started walking toward the stallion but I had an idea. I raised my still shackled hands toward her. “Wait Princess Luna, I have an idea to end this once and for all. Would you like to hear it?” “Yes I would, what is your plan?” “I will prove without a doubt, that the guard in custody is guilty of his crimes and what I did was done in self-defense. If you all get behind him and I’m the only one he sees, we will observe his reaction. Is that permissible?” Luna turned to her sister. “Celestia, what do you think? Is that allowed to be used as evidence?” She nodded and her blue counterpart turned back toward me. “We shall go forth with your plan but I request that you remain in shackles, so as not to tempt you to take revenge on him in his moment of weakness.” “That is fully doable Princess, now if you could have all the ponies stand about ten feet behind him.” Luna raised her voice but still kept it below Royal Canterlot Voice levels. “Guards, if you would please relocate yourselves to my side.” There were murmurs of acceptance as they moved. With all the ponies and both princesses behind the guard Luna’s horn flashed and the lunar guard’s eyes fluttered. His eyes barely opened until they shot open as he saw me standing in front of him. “DOG!” He sprung to his feet and despite the hoof cuffs, jumped forward and knocked me over as he landed on top of my ribs. “You mutant abomination of a mongrel, I don’t know how to kill you but I’ll break every bone to find out!” It was time to gather some incriminating evidence as he reel his hoof back for the first blow. “What did I-“He struck my muzzle interrupting my speech. “Do to-“Another hoof across my face. “You.” A smirk spread across his bloodied face. “What reason do I need? You’re a dog and need to be put down again by the looks of it.” A little rebuttal never hurt anyone. “Perhaps, but what will the princesses think of you beating a chained prisoner to death?” Auburn I think his name was, actually laughed at that. “What will they think!? Why Luna herself will pin a medal on my armor for services to Canterlot, even that fat cow Celestia will acknowledge me. Maybe I’ll get a promotion to the royal guard for this.” I tilted my head to the side to look past Auburn, and saw the royal sister with their guards so red in the face with anger that I’m surprised the fire alarms didn’t go off. “I’m sorry, I really am but you may want to take a look behind you before the beating commences.” He kept his stupid smirk for all of one second as he turned and saw the enraged castle occupants. Even Celestia pissed but then again she was called a fat cow so there’s that. Luna spoke immediately even using the Royal Canterlot Voice. “I declare this court session over! Rorke Chardstone is innocent of all charges, Auburn Sunleaf you are found guilty on all accounts, and guards take him to the dungeon!” That voice is REALLY loud, if it had been directed at me I would have blown away. Even as it is, my body was scooted a few inches back. Auburn was taken off of me by guards even as he struggled. “Wait, you can’t do this. I was set up by that dog!” The guards muffled him quickly. “Yeah tell it to somepony who cares.” The guards led him out of a separate door from the main one and Auburn quieted down. The other guards took their positions once more as both princesses walked over to me. Luna opened up first as Celestia led Sturrn off to the side for her own talk. “Rorke, I’m sorry for the way my guard acted, it was truly shameful to see.” “It’s okay Princess, just as long as I’m innocent all is right with the world. It was never your fault.” She shook her head. “No Rorke it is, I have been back for a while now and I’m only just finding all the problems with Equestria. I truly thought out of everypony my guards would be fair but even that was a lie.” She took of my shackles and made to walk away so I left her with some last words. “Just remember Princess, no one is perfect but some more so than others.” She nodded before walked out another door with her guards. “What do you mean I’m being discharged!?” All the guards and I looked to see Sturrn still talking Celestia. “I’m sorry sergeant, but the requirements state that no guard may have active service past the age of forty five. You, my little pony are forty six years old by a few months.” Sturrn snorted once more. “But princess, there are still recruits to train and Canterlot still needs me.” She smiled down sadly at the belligerent stallion. “Sergeant, you will have an honorable discharge with full benefits for your years of service to the crown. However, I did say active duty did I not?” He nodded “Correct, you are being let go from the Royal guard but I would like you to stay in the castle as head of the Solar guard.” Sturrn looked like the weirdest combination of depressed and ecstatic I had ever seen. “Is this because I didn’t tell you about Rorke immediately, Princess?” “Well a little but mainly this is to be accepted as a reward, but if you don’t want to accept I won’t force you to.” Sturrn looked up to her right in the eye. “No princess, I will accept it graciously but would this be a demotion or promotion?” She laughed a little and continued. “No Sturrn, this is a promotion. You will be Captain of the Solar guard and will be convening with Shining armor if an issue ever arises.” He left the depressed part of his attitude on the side of the road and sped forward with enthusiasm. “Thank you Princess, you will not regret this decision.” He bowed to her gratefully. “May I go and tell my friends now Princess?” “Yes go and celebrate, don’t worry about telling Rorke though. By the looks of it, he’s heard everything we have said.” ‘Crap, I’m busted.’ Sturrn looked back at me as I tried to be incognito. That attempt fail when it became apparent that something that is six ten can’t hide among creatures that are so short it’s not even funny. He walked over to me as Celestia told her guards to open the court after my robe is back on. “Hey, I suppose you heard that all huh?” “Good job Sturrn, although I was expecting a disciplinary action against you, not a promotion but I guess Celestia is cool like that.” “She is more than that, but I’ll let it pass we have to find Flamberge and Starfall to celebrate. That means you’re also going to tell me what a human is too.” ‘I was really hoping he wouldn’t pick up on that. Especially considering that Celestia skipped over it because she knows about humans already. This is a “Very important game” according to The Doctor, so she probably has her own human piece.’ “Yeah I do don’t I? Well let’s go find your friends and I’ll tell you the whole thing over lunch. It’s only ten so we have some time. We had to wait an hour for his friends to show up but once they got to us we all made our way to the castle kitchen for a talk with Soup Spoon. I told Soup the news and he was so excited for Sturrn that he ‘liberated’ some premium bottles of vodka just for us. Soup sat down with is making it five and they all proceeded to get introduced and start drinking. Three hours later, I was the sole being of any measure of intelligent thought at the table, and it was only one but at least we got the skeleton talk out of the way without anyone screaming. ‘Now seems as good a time as any to dig for some info and have the human talk.’ “So I says to him, I says that’s not my mother that’s a SOUP CAN!” The ponies at the table burst into laughter and slammed their hooves on the table. I will honestly never understand some pony jokes but Flamberge’s are much harder to understand. “Okay, I gots anotha one-” I interrupted him quickly before the joke could get off the ground. “Excuse me Flamberge, but on Sturrn’s request I’m supposed to tell the story of how I got to Canterlot. Isn’t that right Sturrn?” I lead the question to him and he seemed to understand there would only be one answer. “Yes I did, so why don’t you regale us with you great story o’ lord Chardstone.” “Well it all started a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…” I let that drift to them as they sat there. “I was once a creature called a human, just imagine an almost hairless creature that’s bi-pedal like me but a twelve inches shorter. The only hair they have that is of any consequence is on top of their head, the rest of their body is just skin. Are you still with me?” They all shook their heads no. “Let’s try this, do any of you have something to write with and to write on?” Starfall ran into the kitchen and came back out almost immediately with a cutting board and a jar of jelly. “So you’re the one who has been taking so much of my jelly. I almost didn’t have enough for a cake roll going to Princess Luna last week!” Spoon exclaimed. I was more interested why exactly he brought those two items. “How am I supposed to write anything with jelly and a cutting board?” Starfall was unfazed by my worry and slapped the board down in front of me while prying the top of the jar with his teeth. ‘That can’t be sanitary at all but what else is he going to use?’ The lid flipped off and he placed the jar down before explaining. “You just dip your claws into the jelly and draw on the board” Surprisingly that was a really good idea. “Okay give me a minute, and remember I’m no Da Vinci so don’t expect much.” I dipped my claw into the jar and began drawing. A couple minutes later I had a pretty good picture of a human body. I turned the board toward them and began my explanation. “This is what a human male looks like on average.” I pointed at the arms. “These are their arms which as you can see, end in fingers not claws. We use those like I use my claws right now.” Sturrn posed a question immediately. “What do humans use to fight? Are they magical”? I don’t see any horn or really anything that can help them in a fight.” ‘Even drunk Sturrn can still phrase a sentence at normal levels, that’s impressive.’ “No, humans aren’t magical in the least even if some claim to be. The reason humans are the dominate species is two part. “One reason that we are the dominate species is because of our body. Our brains are the largest; we have opposable thumbs, and lastly we can make and use tools that no other creature on our planet can.” They all looked shocked and I couldn’t blame them. Everything that made their world what it was wasn’t present in my world. Starfall was the first to recover from the stupefaction. “What about the dragons, ponies, and griffins in your world? Aren’t they capable of making tools and using them? They certainly are capable of doing everything these ‘humans’ can do but much better.” It seems my choice of topic knocked the drunk out of these ponies. This would probably put these ponies on the floor. “Well I’m glad you ask Starfall. You see humans are the ONLY emphasis on only species of creature on my world that is capable of sentient thought like all of us here.” I guess my prediction was right, Spoon and Flamberge fell out of their chairs and Starfall looked a little wobbly. Sturrn held his ground though so time to see to that. “Also Dragons, Griffins, Diamond dogs, and ponies as you know them don’t even exist on Earth. Earth is the name of the planet by the way.” Yep that did it Spoon, Flamberge, and Starfall clocked out of the waking world in a combination of drunkenness and surprise. “Sturrn, I don’t suppose you would faint if I told you humans also eat meat by the millions?” “No I wouldn’t, some creatures eat meat and that is a part of life. I was told that in my briefing when I first joined the guard. You are going to have to try harder than that if you want to put a sergeant of the royal guard down.” ‘Well I could bring up our style of wars, or maybe human cuisine… No that’s just knowledge best left on earth, plus that would be kind of an asshole move.’ My thoughts were interrupted by an earth pony mare speaking to my side. “Excuse me gentlestallions…” I was turned toward her and she just stopped talking immediately. I didn’t know why until Sturrn grabbed my attention and pointed to his muzzle. I assumed it was to me, so I grabbed mine and noticed a distinct lack of fabric covering it. I forgot to put my face wrap back on when I showed Spoon and Sturrn’s friends. I though quickly for an excuse “I’m not a talking skeleton, if that’s what you’re thinking.” ‘Yes because pointing it out to her won’t set off any alarms at all. We have a certified genius over here.’ She just placed a hoof on the table and grabbed a shot of Spoon’s vodka with the other. “You know what? I don’t care what you are; I have had to deal with preparations for the Gala, Changeling attacks, the elements of harmony TWICE, and that crazy pirate flying around. If you told me a skeleton downing shots of Stalliongrad snow would show up in my dining room today, I wouldn’t be surprised. I just want my chef back, so prep work can continue for the gala.” She is definitely a mare on a mission. “Yes well, I’m Rorke and your chef is on the floor next to you. It seems he’s all tuckered out from drinking.” She scoffed a little before giving a light laugh. “Yeah well, he can sleep when he’s dead or the gala is over, whichever comes first. My name is Square Cut by the way.” With those parting words she grabbed her chef, and dragged him back to the kitchen. I turned back to Sturrn. “So, what do we do now? We have two drunk and unconscious guards to lug around.” Sturrn got up and pushed his chair in before flipping ‘Berge from the floor up onto his back, and walking away slowly. “I don’t know about you but I’m going to drop this one off at the barracks and crawl into bed myself. Just because I don’t have to get up early tomorrow” “That’s a pretty good plan; I think I’ll join you for such an endeavor.” I grabbed Starfall and we walked toward the barracks for a few minutes, until I broke the silence. “Sturrn, the Princess said you were forty six yet you look like you’re not even twenty six. How does that happen?” He smiled and kept up his pace as he spoke. “You must be in top physical condition for the royal guard, which is why I was able to keep up with you during our training.” “I can tell you, I wouldn’t want to fight you but it seems we are here.” We entered the door and placed our charges in their appropriate bunks and looked up at the clock over the door. My friend spoke first. “Well it seems it’s only two thirty, but a nap sounds incredible after the day you and I have had. I be up later.” With that he made his way to our bunk and slipped under the blanket immediately. It seemed prudent to join him, and even if I didn’t need it today was a stressful day and sleeping it off would be nice. So I ended my very unusual day there, back in the bed that started the whole fiasco. ‘Maybe I won’t get stabbed in my sleep tonight.'