I'm just a normal guy. Or, what passes for normal in today's world, anyways. I went on a walk one day to cool off, and some guy asks me some questions before sending me off to Equestria, where I learn that not all is sunshine and rainbows in what many assume is a perfect little country. But now I know better.
According to some friends I make on the way, there is what looks like a little war going on between some impressive players. I can only hope I'm up to scratch...
This story takes place in the Chess Game of the Gods universe.
My first fanfic and serious story! Criticism is appreciated!
Also, yay! Cover art provided by Fireboy75 of DA, aka LunarEclipse77 on FiMFiction.
Chapters (4)
Ok then... restart out of nowhere.
982350
It wasn't going anywhere exiting, and I felt it was painfully short, and thar you have it.
982357 Good enough for me
make since: sense
Interesting, desert instead of forest. And a solid mass of muscle apparently. Can you still talk?
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*COUGHSPILERSCOUGH* Yes, Opal can physically talk with magic, by causing it to vibrate the air. He can also imitate many different voices and things. And if you think that 'It's magic, I need no real answer!' is my solution to everything involving Opal, then you're absolutely right.
Well this works.
982410
Does he need food?
Only to actually grow larger, and even then he needs a specific kind of food.
...
Suddenly, a new chapter update.
I like it, but I feel that there is not enough pre-Equestria character development. Or it could just be me...
Also, do you have a proofreater?
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Yus I do. His name is Lunar Eclipse.
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Wait a minute.
I guess I don't XD.
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I think it was specifically mentioned among things that he doesn't need to do anymore, along with eating and what not.
Afte some minor edits, Opal will be 2 years older than Cinder. Because I realized 14 was too old so he is going to be twelve. And a Pokemon.
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Aaand a sidenote to Opal's behavior: He doesn't really act his age. He acts quite a bit older, as he had to be more mature back on Earth.
Try and give him a weakness its boring if he is completely invincible and just steamrolls over everything.
1079011
The only problem is that I haven't given him any room for any physical weaknesses. I have one, but that's for later, and then I have him being able to be cut by weapons of the Dead (If he ever goes up against Jack, he's screwed). Another weakness that I plan on exploiting is him being practically immortal, so if you can trap him somewhere forever, then you've dealt with him.
Tl;dr : He has several weaknesses, just not all of them are physical.
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Cinder is anything BUT mature. He is bi-polar in a Fluttershy/Pinkie way and is probably insane.
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No internal organs? At all? "It's magic, I ain't got to explain crap!" Okee-dokie-loki...
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He's a magical construct, made by a god-like being who has made thousands like him. So yes, no organs.
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Wait until he's a Typhlosion, man I hope I spelled that correctly.
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He won't be. He only goes up to Quilava.
Blublublublublub
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Literature, I am disappoint. Not really, Quilava is one of my favorite Pokemon, far outstripping Typhlosion.
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I know right.
Quillava is my all time favorite Pokemon.
Fairly short chapter that's a bit rough. Figured I'd get something out there at least, or else never do it. I'm pretty proud of it.
Any flaws in grammar that you see, I probably will have as well, but I'm too lazy to change it because I can ignore it - however, point it out and it shall be fixed.
Other errors in writing? Sentences are correct but don't make sense or detract from the story? Tell me!
Feel a theory or three could use some work? Again, tell me!
Hate me and my story and will never read it ever? (Or possibly again, if you've decided to read it and then decided that it still fell short?) Don't tell me or anybody else, as we don't really want to hear it and your time could be better spent , instead of telling me exactly why I suck.
Thanks for reading,
~Lunar
P.S. - If somebody is really wanting it, First is still up for grabs.
Yea, I understand completely. My dog gives great ideas about stories too, if you can understand dog that is.
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My dog is talking constantly, especially if somebody knocks or pretends to. Or walks by. Or rings the doorbell. Or...yeah, you get the idea.
I think it's because she's blonde.
(And before I get ANY remarks about stereotypes: I'm blonde, and a bit on the brainy side, my mom is blonde and I respect her more than anybody I know, and I have about twelve friends that are blonde. Besides, stereotypes exist because somebody embodied that trait in enough places, enough times to start the bloody thing.)
OH NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE! The universe itself is unravelling because you updated!
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Told you. And you're overreacting - only a few galaxies exploded. No big deal.
Oops - sorry guys. I accidentally published this chapter before it was ready, somehow. My bad.
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Post unrelated.
elsewhere
"Dude, I have to contain those galaxies. Their sudden loss could unbalance the universe, and half the time I have to spend a month trying to either stabilize the missing gravity well or recreate said galaxy which is extremely tiring.
What? The wording is different? You shall be crusified!
Oh, and you forgot a line you were suspose to say, lulz.
Don't you just love his complete and total over powered abilities?
continue
He doesn't have lungs how can he live.
Answer is pretty much this, It's magic... ooooh, with wimsy.
And also, snakes, I love snakes.
I'm liking this so far, that is after chapter 1.
I just had a vivid mental image a winged serpent performing Broadway... tonight was good night
in his blind agreement he has a long and hard life to live now that can break most mortals easy as so immortals is another form of deathless is a punishment in it self to watch all you love and cherish change to dust or twisted by time forever surrounded by changing strangers this can eventually harden the heart and turn a blind eye to certain things and the mind change's when you have all the time to learn, grow and mature to wise to old it hurts to open your heart easy to most after a while to those who will never understand and this guy has a lot to experience and learn from i hope he anti magic enough not to be captured so easy by magic force to be alone forever there are fate worse then death.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/870/345/a47.jpg
This is moving rather quickly, but I have no qualms with that.
I feel like something was left out.
Besides that small flaw, it's a shame this was cancelled. I've enjoyed it.