• Member Since 4th Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 27th, 2014

BeyondElemental


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The Game Masters have seen fit to add another creature to the cosmic chessboard. Their newest addition a Kirin who takes on the name Disdain fumbles his way across the board as he tries to make the best of his situation.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 71 )

As I read the story more, the more I feel could have been done better. It progresses quickly and randomly. A few errors slipped through. It just seems crappy in general. Author-own-worst-critic is setting in and pointing out many flaws that I can only agree with. It was rushed and only the criticism of others can put me at ease or reaffirm my beliefs. Me being pessimistic at this time of night I am opting for the latter. :twilightoops:

I have the feeling it's rushed as well. Descriptions would help.

Is this in Echo and Griffin's universes?

694021 I think I will go and rework the chapter, but at least I have a base to work off of.

Yes it is, out of the blue I decided 'You know what Equestria needs? A qirin (or kirin whichever).'

OK, I hope this is at least a little bit better now. I am not sure I can do much more right now considering I did not sleep at all last night. :derpyderp2:

LOL I just finished a chapter of "The Ballad of Echo the Diamond Dog" and then I saw this.

Welcome to the Chess Game of the Gods, Disdain.

You'll find the armory in the west wing, the air ports to the north, and if you need some help, feel free to call me. My name is Knightmare, I'm a changeling. At least...now I am.

We're right here if you need us.

And then there were seven.
Only 25 more and we have a full board!

705975 I guess I need to figure out if I am a pawn or a knight then. :rainbowderp:

706019 HAH! we need to think up 25 moar doods.

Also, seriously, I keep picturing an intro animation consisting of Discord, Luna, Celestia, Eris[AKA fem-discord], Chrysalis, Grogar[a goat-like freak from G1 that used zombies], and Tirek[the original 'Satan of Equestria'] all moving their pieces [us] across a chess board, followed by brief clips of us all being fucking badass.

706150 I'd say we're the 'Queens', as opposed to the lesser pieces. Because like the Queen in chess, we're all fucking badasses in our own way.

706171
:rainbowderp:
We need to do that. I don't care how but we need to find a way to get that made.
And someone should use Tirek as their game master (coining the term). The old goat could use some love.

706199

We've yet to see confirmation of Grogar, either, nor Chrysalis. We've seen Discord and Celestia undeniably, someone who COULD be Luna[in yor own], and someone whom is, apparently, Eris judging by the name.

So...who's got what player yanking them into equestria?

706212
Well she's not Luna, I can tell you that much. Actually she's kind of someone I made up.
Maybe I can find an old villain in G1 or something, but for now, she's an OC.

706235

Ah.

I was actualy originally gonna use Knightmare Sol frm my novels instead of Celestia. Hence why my dude goes by 'Knightmare'.

ah yes the kirin. the mytho where the creators were "ok lets mix a deer, a dragon, and a goat and see where it goes!"

anywho doing pretty well for a starter.

706171

so far:
griffin
D. Dog
Kitty
dragon
changeling
Pega-wolf
Kirin

possible ideas.
undead something or other. (undead spider. scare griffin out for life!)
Sea-related. Sea pony or Sea serpent!
Automaton. We've brought both asian and roman cultures in why not robots? at least try a rock golem!
Elemental. yea probably not a good idea but whatever
Ghost/spirit. yea put undead up there already but that half/half for living and dead. this would be full dead
other things can't come up with

706239

Undead: could easily be one of 'The Blanks'. you know what I'm talking about...

Sea-related: Seapony Lyra!!!!

Automaton: Mein GOTT Just as I was considering adding in some of my love for Armored Core! No, srsly, if someone shows up as a 'Steel Golem' and winds up recognizing an Armored Core design, I'm gonna laugh my ass off at the sheer AWESOME.

Elemental: We've got a Chaos Elemental in the form of Discord. Why not more 'normal' ones? Or elementals built off of the Elements of Harmony.

Ghost/Spirit: Why not go out with an Old School Fae[which is where the Cangeling's body design draws from, albeit ponyfied]

that's the thing about the imagination. A truly WILD imagination is the last genuinely FREE thing in our world.

706245 If you draw from older versions of MLP, like G1 especially, then there's plenty of god-like, or genuine God-beings powerful enough to haul you to Equestria for their sick games. Hell, I can think of nearly a dozen off the top of my head, the list I gave earlier is a smaller, edited one.

706235 Also, yes, from here on in I shall use the term 'Game Master' for the god-beings that kicked this off, and 'Player' for the [not-so-]sorry saps dragged fom earthfor their delightfully demented game.

706259
personal thoughts i ant to see these

an Oni monkey from okami
a Hell raven from Touhou utsuho style (this is probably to human but whatever)
a Treant from lord of the rings (this could fit as a wooden automaton)
and as a normal elemental here's a simple fire spirit here you go

706290

honestly, I'd like to see a Nightmare. Not like THE Nightmare, but one of those mythical horses that strike terror in everyone around them.

I can honestly see one approaching Griffin and Knightmare, causing them both to panic because it looks like a giant spider to them.

Or approaching Celestia and looking like an evil version of herself.

Or worse, facing Discord and finally reveiling what scares HIM.... It'd likely be utterly hilarious.

706289
Great! Now all we need is a name for the world.
Also, I was looking through G1 and found someone named Somnambula. I'll have to switch up the powers a bit, but she at least has the same basic look as the OC I was going to use.

706390

Plus, seriously. how can you say no to a face like this?


img.ponibooru.org/_images/3985238b4bdf66a89f1e53d808cae3fb/179034%20-%20artist%3Apeachiekeenie%20generation_leap%20grogar%20portrait%20villain.jpg

I'll tell ya how.

You can't.:twistnerd:

Because even a badass would rather wet themselves in public than piss off someone like Grogar. Especially with his 'No Bullshit' face on.:twilightangry2:

706422
I will be sending you the bill for my pants.:ajbemused:
That is one scary face.

706449

Lolyup.

706447

One doth not buck with Grogar and retain their dignity.


Or their life.

706459 Cleaned up the comments, changed the description, and hopefully by the end of the day I will be able to post the next chapter. Only problem I might have with that is unlike usual I don't have a quality check for it to go through. Also might end up delaying that "where I end up" thing. I am still only about 400 words into writing this.

706546

Meh, I just use the spell check on my thingamaboob.

Works good for me.

706555 What I mean is I usually have a person or two around to give their opinion, but today they are out doing various things. Also I use Chrome so spell check is built in :rainbowwild:

Welcome to the game. You have my attention.

706699 Well I have managed to do that much; I can't say that I really know what I am doing. If you have any constructive criticism feel free to post it. :twilightsmile:

706748 Well you know what Discord would say: Whats the fun in having a plan? Although if I had to say anything, it would be to describe the environment a bit more. I have no idea how he got from a volcano, to a cave, to some sort of forest room. Although im guessing Griffin or Ember is gonna be busting him out.

706801 You have a point, but I did not think describing the environment which does not for the most part change between point A and B would be very interesting.

You are oh so very wrong about how he escapes. I am trying to keep the stories from crossing over all that early and have an interesting next destination, although I do not know where to go from there.

706846 You have a point. In most stories in this universe, the area is fairly consistent. Either in a desert, Dominion's mountains, the jungle, its all fairly easy to describe. You did describe where he was. You just need to work on the transition.

Enslaved by Diamond Dogs. Well he's definitely in the running for the 'most screwed the second he got to Equestria' award.

708431 Yeah, tied with yours who got captured by cannibals. I would count the Changeling from "From Nobody To Knightmare", but he escaped through the power of badass metal. Speaking of your story, GET TO WORK SLAVE!!!

708483 Not sure how I am going to change this weird twist at the end into what I need, but that it half the fun.

I saw no errors in my read through. I look forward to when you get back.

708483

I don't know. Khajitt at least got a Big Mac and fries before getting imprisoned. This guy is sorta screwed right off the back. Can't wait to see how you get out of this one. Also Enjoy you trip BeyondElemental

Will there be more kirins? Also, ever heard of Japanese kirins? They got a wolf's head, deer antlers and a deer's body and a wolf's tail. :trixieshiftright:

708483
Yes master. I live only to obey.

Also, just to be the information-spewing guy I am, kirins are essentially Asian unicorns, but they have nearly no equine attributes. Recently read Zombies vs Unicorns and that was when I first got exposed to kirins. :scootangel:

711000 From what I have read about them, Kirins don't really have a set appearance. Some are more dragon like, some have more than one horn, and I guess there are ones like you said. Like many mythological creatures they have a lot of variation in a kind of way Discord would love. I am just basing Disdain of a picture I found by just plugging "Kirin" into google image.

(Discovered we have wifi where we are staying, but I only have my iPod though so don't expect any updates.)

706259

I hope by, "The Blanks", you mean like ones from Bleach. Also, bring in a giant mech armed to the teeth with missiles? FUCK YES. White Glint, for my vote. Also also, Pinkie sent my minotaur to Equestria... Oops? :pinkiesmile:

711000 HOLY SHIT I JUST BOUGHT THAT BOOK BUT HAVENT READ IT YET, I NEED TO NOW

719032 It actually has no undead human on horned horse combat, but rather is a bunch of short stories collected together on both. It's a great read, and in it there is a species of unicorn with a poison secreting horn, fangs and an appetite for flesh.

I'm back and writing everypony! :pinkiehappy:

705975

Heyheyhey, wait a minute! I didn't get a welcome like that... Wait, I'm Chuck Norris. I knew where everything was already. Duh.

732658

Since I'm the only one who can, and because it's irresistable to do so, WELCOME BACK. :pinkiehappy:

732658

Excellent, can't wait for the next chapter. This is looking like one of the better of the Godly chess piece stories :twilightsmile:

Ah now i only have dragons law and then i have read ALL of the chess pieces stories so far.
And i deem this: Interesting


Here have a random quote
Random quote of the comment(not written by me)
What is it with ponies and touching me in very uncomfortable ways?

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