• Member Since 16th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Oct 18th, 2012

HonorableMention


E

Following the crossover universe of so many authors before me, I am going to join the Chess game of the Gods series. This story will follow a teenager who is ripped from his life to fulfill the goals of a somewhat sadistic deity. He takes the form of a Manticore and begins by having several adventures from Canterlot to the Mild West.

Chapters (3)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 31 )

My first fan-fic. Reproach and creative criticism are more than welcome. Thank you for reading! :pinkiehappy:

Decide to follow the 'loading' meme. Critique is still welcome. Thanks for reading!

Tackled a third, as for why they are so short? Well, there are going to be a lot more chapters, so don't worry your pretty little head. Feel free to comment

1K or more words isn't that short, but enough talking, time to read :rainbowwild:

Interesting idea....

RANDOM FACT: Didja know that in mythology, the Manticore had the head of a man, and devoured his prey whole, leaving no single trace?

Also: Their roar was known to be so loud and terrifying, that it paralyzed their prey.

773776 interesting Many thanks amigo
I try to incorporate as much mythos as possible

it seems intriguing but id just like to say there are a few spelling errors which lead towards grammar errors, so far i can only see a few but otherwise good work

Another manticore brother has joined the game. Welcome.

I DONT CARE HOW GREAT OR BAD THIS STORY IS, AS LONG AS I GET REFERENCES TO GRIFFIN ECHO CAT PERSON... WOLF THINGS... fuck it, as long as it involves any other stories im downdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Derpy_Hooves.png

"He wielded a clever grimace aimed towards me as he approached."
A grimace is a facial expression. How do you wield one? Is it equipped in the "Face" slot? Can you also equip palms in that slot?

So far
myfacewhen.net/uploads/2667-unrustled-jimmies.jpg
by this story. It's alright, my only real nitpick being the wielding of a facial expression.

775299 You can use, or wield, an expression to your advantage. Haven't you ever heard of a "disarming smile"? A smile meant to lure the recipient into dropping his or her guard.

Not a terrible start. Problems with pacing and you really need spaces in-between paragraphs.

Also, was the rhyme near the end a reference to Skeleton Jack's
“The deal is made, the game anew. My poor little pony, I’d hate to be you.”

Still a problem with pacing, it's moving pretty fast and he seems fairly well-adjusted despite everything.

However, I would like to congratulate you on the name Ernest Hoofingway. That's quite clever :twilightsmile:

So James, you think that you can't be the for-told hero of legend because you were a nobody on Earth? My friend, I think that you need to meet a certain former living-punching-bag-turned-griffin.

Earnest Hemmingway and J. D. Salinger puns, I approve (as I am such a sucker for pun-ishment, myself.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png )
I continue to enjoy reading this story.

Thanks for the feedback guys. It helps me out. I'll try to rustle yo' Jimmies :D

Well, that was something.

Two things. You need to work on your comma usage, a lot of stuff that made very little sense without them up there. The other is, you are now a personal hero for having a character that has beat the crap out of a Ernest Hemingway ersatz. Hate that author with a passion.

780073 Bitch im likable by everyone, so theres no way you couldnt like. Because im a wizarddl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png

774919
My friend, you are really going to like something coming up in the next few weeks.
Also, you can never have too much Manticore.

782895 HIS NAME IS KHAJIIT GOD DAMNIT NOT JACK

782920
I know. You've told me that three times now. And I'm the freaking author.

Interesting story so far. Just one small thing, this entire Chess Game was made possible when Discord brought Echo into Equestria and the rift in space persisted, allowing other entities to bring humans through the same way. Meaning that your statement in chapter 2 about Celestia being busy with handling Discord would be quite impossible, seeing as Discord was turned to stone shortly after Echo woke up and the entire Game was only created after that.

It's not really important, just felt like pointing it out :pinkiehappy:

"The Right man in the Wrong place can make all the difference ........... that reference, and the fact he talks about employers.... oh crap......

Plain-strider? His employed already sounded like G-man, but this... jeeze.

776026 Personally I like to think that Griffin is the foretold one. I mean hes part cat. Close enough.

"I had at first averted using my Scorpion tail"

I think you mean avoided.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!