When the chance to escape NYZ presents itself, James Heller and the others seize it! However not everything goes according to plan when their ticket to freedom, might have more to it than meets the eye...
Chapters (1)
AcidGreenBlob
Joined 29th Apr, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- SupremeSoviet · 0 words · 34 8 · 0 views
- Elaine_Lunaris · 41k words · 89 17 · 3.2k views
- Thorn buck · 8.4k words · 39 4 · 1.2k views
- majema007 · 3.8k words · 50 4 · 5.6k views
- jordanwriter · 9.7k words · 34 5 · 1.7k views
- Tisbutascratch · 20k words · 121 7 · 5k views
- Flame6666 · 23k words · 53 7 · 2.9k views
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.144 seconds
Total duration
1,064 users online
251,644 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Smaller paragraphs please
Well...Let's put some thoughts about this.
Okay, number one. I REALLY thank you for writing a Prototype 2 cross over. The only problem that annoyed me was formatting. Like Skiddle suggested, try using smaller paragraphs. Dialogue should be seperated per character instead of being inside a huge wall of text. It's not that bad but dialogue should be a bit more like this to make it easier to see:
Your version (went to random part of story):
“Like getting us all out of NYZ alive?” Dana said. At this, Heller snapped his head to attention and peered into the cockpit. “How,” he asked, facing Dana directly. She shook her head and gestured to a building that was only just coming into view. “First we need to pick up a certain someone, then I’ll tell you both on the way”
“On the way to where?!” Heller said, with a hint of anger in his voice. Dana smiled and dismissed the subject with a polite “You’ll see” causing Heller to huff impatiently before sitting back down.
Small change:
“Like getting us all out of NYZ alive?” Dana said. At this, Heller snapped his head to attention and peered into the cockpit.
“How,” he asked, facing Dana directly. She shook her head and gestured to a building that was only just coming into view.
“First we need to pick up a certain someone, then I’ll tell you both on the way”
“On the way to where?!” Heller said, with a hint of anger in his voice.
Dana smiled and dismissed the subject with a polite “You’ll see” causing Heller to huff impatiently before sitting back down.
See? Just a small change and it's easier to read the dialogue. Then again, this may be my preference but we'll just have to see how other's see from their perspective.
Other than that, the story is looking good and since you've pretty much done really well on it so far, just for the first chapter if I must say. There is no chance that I'm letting this story slide past me so have a well earned thumbs up and favourite. You earned it. (Random side note: I'm sure that Azzazel will probably read this story since he has his own prototype cross over.)
And on a final note, I can't wait for Celestia and Luna to meet James. Of course, that is up to you.
Damn, this looks promising but i can't read it yet
Stupid PC port coming in June...
Finally a prototype story about James Heller and not Alex Mercer. you got my attention.
Its good, just space it more. please
Thanks for the quick feedback, especially DashWithRainbows! I always had some trouble with the format of stories and hopefully now, it is much easier to read.
P.S Rabid Dog I didn't mean to taunt you so! I'm sorry!
Yes, a Prototype story with Heller. I agree with you, I like Heller way more than Alex
Something tells me that this story ends badly if the main six attack Heller.
610797 I'm not quite sure that they would just attack randomly! Unless Heller does something to provoke them...
610808
Well this is James Heller after all so just seeing could give them a heart attack, and if they figure out he single handly killed a Manticore than they might make assumptions
If you are going to make a fight between Celestia and Heller (which I really would like to see). Please, make sure that Heller doesn’t lose the fight but on the same time that he doesn’t consume or kill her. I know it’s much to ask for but I think it would make a great story if others agree with me.
Not bad, kinda how I started with the wall of text too which is odd considering I'm doing a Prototype fic myself, Dashie over there is a good guy!
Darn it you stole my idea.
Nah, just kidding. Though I am also in the process of writing my own Prototype/Pony fic. Might have to give yours a read just to see where you go with it. Though I can already tell one major difference, mine was going to be fully self contained, aka neither Heller nor Mercer go to Equestria. Still might be interesting to see where you go with this.
612403 That's what I was intending but it got moderated and had to add ponies to keep it on the site. Not that I mind, I like both! So long as there is some pony involved it wont get mod-blasted. I think...
EDIT: Nevermind! I understand your meaning now.
612438
Oops I think I had a bit of a typo. What I meant was that in my version the reason why neither Heller nor Mercer go to Equestria is because the virus and the resulting Prototype are completely pony in origin. Sides it will be interesting to see how Heller deals with a world filled with brightly colored ponies. Let's just hope he doesn't accidentally cause a zombie apocalypse.
I'm calling it; Rainbow Dash, with her tomfoolery, attacks Heller and someone (prob Dana) is barely able to stop him from killing her.
EDIT: Please be silent and accept my Like, as well as a well-deserved track. Carry on, good sir.
Who's the "Duster" dude? I finished Prototype 2 a long time ago, but I don't really remember anyone called Duster. Could you please enlighten me?
One question, who the F is Dusters? I'm ok with OCs, but just dropping one with no explanation? Not cool. Like you say he's got a heavy accent, what kind of accent? Texan, Italian, Japanies what?
619659
Whoops, I guess I should have explained sooner! More of his character will be explained in the next chapter.
620339
<------- The Mewstach is not amused, well anyway write the next chapter soon.
*Browsing Story's*
*Sees this story*
*starts masturbating furiously*
Now to start reading...
cheese
:epicface:
:epicluna:
MOAR NAO
When might the next chapter be up? This is a VERY good story.
When you gonna make more? Eh', c'mon just tell me
Is this story gonna continue? I really don't see any point of tracking an inactive story.
685859 To AlexW and.. well everyone! I have been away for the past week visiting some relatives, they live a VERY long way away. The story is going to continue, I just have to type up what I have written down! I do type quite slow but hopefully I will upload by Friday at the absolute latest.
704439
Oh good. Because I would really hate to lose the only Prototype 2 fic I've seen so far. One that's actually good.
A Prototype 2 crossover? Hell yeah, cant wait to see where this goes
Is this fic dead?
*cries internally*
*updated 2 years ago* Well this aint getting finished, shame too, it seemed like it would have been good.
Rest in peace fic