- Member Since 14th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 16th, 2020
Bakmah Genesis
Insanity is only those of the vivid imagination
Bakmah Genesis
Joined 14th Jul, 2013 ·
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The hell... Read later? Yeah, read later.
One view. Four likes. Seems legit.
Loved it!
Other than the small point the Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo are officially not related in any way, shape or form, not bad.
You're an author rising faster than Dash's erection when she sees Scootaloo sleeping.
4360560
They are sisters by name. It is my head canon that in Sleepless in Ponyville that Rainbow Dash takes Scootaloo in as her younger sister.
4360570
Thanks for the comment, though.
I probably wouldn't say that.
4360572 I don't think there was anything legal or binding about that. Sweetie Belle called for "sister teams", but I don't think anyone was enforcing the rule because just saying you're somepony's sister just doesn't make it so.
Unf.
4360570
Oh dang!
while i did like it, i thought the sex could be more drawn out. it was to quick. but i still liked it.
4360728
Yeah, still getting used to clop a bit
4360748 mind if i suggest a game you could play that would help with that? it has fantastic descriptions and what not.
It was decent. There was a lot of stuff you didn't tell the reader that you probably had planned out but never actually showed us. As a writer, you need to make sure when you reference something that it actually happened in the story beforehand.
Okay, where did these earplugs come from? This suggests that Rainbow had brought the earplugs in the first place and that she had plans to bond with Scootaloo the way she did from the start. Yet the sentence before it suggests that fucking her wasn't even on her mind until just right then.
I think you're trying to say "I have a pair I forgot in the tent" or "I forgot I have an extra pair in the tent"
Really this is just nitpicking but I'd imagine that there would be a more "when you're an adult" sort of scenario in school then giving an actual exact age.
Rainbow is terrible at seduction here. First off, Scootaloo never looked at Dash in any sort of fashion. You can go back and see the most Scoots did was wiggle and shimmy next to Rainbow Dash, feeling all fuzzy when Dash wrapped her wing around Scoots. Second, for trying to urge Scootaloo on she could have been a little more subtle and still have gotten her point across. It feels all too rushed.
Again, assuming we knew about this. Has Dash done it with Fluttershy? Who knows about that? Do any of the other mane six know? This is the kind of sentence that breaks immersion, but not as much as the actual sex part.
Also, has anyone seen her cock before? What does it look like? Does she have fuzzy balls? Sheath? How is she able to hide it otherwise?
I like scoots x dash a lot but this feels like you skimped out on the details. The beginning was alright I suppose, but the whole reasoning and lead up (and also the sex itself) left me with an empty feeling. For her first time, Scootaloo is pretty much able to just bare right through it. Not a whole lot is put into her feelings. How stretched did she feel, the friction, how wet was it making her, etc? You'll want to go over those parts. I'd imagine you had a general idea of how everything was to play out, maybe the detail was in your head, but sadly it didn't fully transition to text.
My suggestions are:
1. Look into the more emotional side of things, body language, feelings, senses. As sentient beings, we have a full mess of senses: touch, smell, sight, hearing, and taste. If you can translate these situations and impart those sensations to the reader, it will really boost the quality of the story.
2. Sometimes it helps to go back after a writing session and read through what you wrote. Mark areas that might need more detail.
3. Keep writing. Just because you got a critical review or less than positive feedback does not mean you should stop writing all together. Instead, try to find a positive takeaway from it and work on improving yourself.
4. Read other fics. You can pick up a lot of clues on writing just by reading some of the other stories that are out there already.
Good luck!
4360938
+1
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Keep working at it and you'll be surprised with how quickly you improve.
My main thing with this is that the dialogue is off. It feel stiff because characters that are normally casual with how they speak kind of shift between their normal patterns and formal speaking. You have one character speaking here that has a naturally formal speech pattern, Rarity. Now, sure, you could say it's AU, but then you should still either make everyone talk wholesale formally, or keep their patterns their own. As it is, it's just awkward to read the dialogue.
Aside from that, I think the other big issues are more or less pointed out. Good story, entertaining, but odd dialogue choices.
Bleh. From the cover, I thought this was gonna be some coming-of-age thing with Scootaloo getting laid by an older R63 Rainbow Dash.
Ah well. Can't always get what you wish for. Thrown on the Read Later pile.
4364013
But that would suck all the fun out of it.
4360938
Pretty much what I said on one of his other fics, except that I was a lot meaner about it.
4364090
Definitely a lot more meaner.
Rainbow chuckled as she trotted over
Wasn't this anthro?
4364086
Could always throw in some daredevil stunts while they do it. I thought freefall sex was still cool?
4364136
There is no Anthro tag. It wouldn't have been approved if it was and there was no tag. How did you think it was Anthro?
4364173 Maybe the art? *shrugs*
4364173 Actually anthro stories are allowed on this website.
4364360
They are in flight.
4364372
I know Anthro stories are allowed, I have a few. Anthro FOALCON fics, or fics that include underage ponies in Anthro are not allowed since it borderlines child porn and the site admins do not want to risk getting shut down because of that. If the characters were matured up to legal age, 16, 17, 18, then it is fine. Anything under is automatically failed for approval and is asked to either age up the characters, switch to pony, or go fuck off.
So no, this will NOT and CANNOT be Anthro.
4364402 I'm just saying, to me, it looks like they're standing. The issue is the lack of implied movement of their wings (lines indicating movement, for example).
I guess it can't be helped...
4364173 The cover art.
4364414 Oh... Sorry. I didn't know that.
This was good, but kind of...
Strange.
Like, it starts of as a well-written slice-of-life piece then bam: instant foalcon. I mean I'm assuming everyone knew it was foalcon from the get go, but their was pretty much no explanation of when exactly Rainbow decided 'yeah, I like diddling foals', or why for that matter she has a cock, and it just jumps straight from happy sister times to 'lets fuck!'. I mean, it's fine as it is, but it has the potential to be more.
4366649 shock value maybe? But in all honesty I did not come here for the slice of life anyways. I did enjoy that part too though.
4360938 All great points. In short; I wish all of the story was more detailed. I don't care that much though because I only came for the clop but it would have been a better read over all with some of your changed where made to it.
4372806
You're touching on what my problem was - yes this is only meant to be a clopfic, and it delivers, but that slice of life bit was really rather good. It was more the kind of opening that I'd expect on a 70,000 word epic about RD raising Scootaloo or something, rather than a foalcon clopfic - it made the transition to futa sex rather jarring.
EDIT:
I suppose if he was going for shock value it worked.
4372951 Yeah there is some serious lack of epics on this site. I think I have only ever found like 3.
Do you have any in your faves I could look through or any suggestions for reading?
4373008
Hoo boy. You haven't looked at my favourite list have you? It would probably take you more than a little while to browse through them.
The question is not whether I know any epics - it's what kind of epic you're looking for. Romance? Adventure? Do you want the Mane 6? Other characters? Set in the future or the past? Give me preferences, and I'll give you recommendations (though I should probably PM you them, or we'll clog up the comments section).
4360938 Rainbow actually did have a set of earplugs when she was going to bed in one scene in the episode. The only question is: How MANY sets did she bring?
That clop scene was shorter than what i expected
To forceful for my taste
Dat ending tho
4421842 I know you....
In case you're interested, this appears to qualify for the Foalcon group fetish contest. If you'd like to enter for the prize, just add it to the contest folder.
4604924 I'm fairly sure that the description clearly reads in bold letters Futa so you have only yourself to blame.
More More
4604924
A Tad Bit Short But A Good Read Non The Less
So... FutaDash eh?
: say what??
Huh, why aren't I freaking out about this.
Probably Dash's Personality.
4604924 she is not a boy she is a Hermaphrodite