• Member Since 4th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Sunday

Lord Commissar Alexer


Faith and Hatred are the only things that keep me alive.

T

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are leading together a combined Army of several different equestrian Races against an supposedly terrifying and unfeeling Enemy.

What kind of Threat are our beloved Princesses are really going to face?



A Warhammer 40K/MLP:FIM Crossover.

Special Thanks goes to ARchy4288, Tyrannosaurus_Tux and AlicornPriest for Editing, Proofreading and otherwise helping.
I can only recommend those guys.

A Tipp: Listen to this Song here while reading the last Part.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 205 )

~:heart:COMMISSAR SENPAI!:heart:~

Cakebomb #2 · May 1st, 2014 · · 1 ·

NOTICE ME, SENPAI! Im in the group!

4323383 Nice story. It was interesting to see how easily Mr.Krieger here walked to his doom.
(Yes, i know his name is a serial number.)

That was bloody beautiful and a very moving scene. Bravo Sir.

4323386
That's why i loves those guys.
No fear of death or pain, always straight to the enemy, regardless of certain death.


4323583
Thanks.:twilightsmile:

You got my like!:derpytongue2:
Also,






I:derpyderp2:AMATOASTERTHATISSTRANGLYENRAGEDDIDISPELLSTRANGLYRIGHT?:derpyderp1:

This was nice. A few bits could be improved such as this part here:

Instead of a sad and pain-twisted expression, the Princesses were greeted with a small smile on his paler getting face.

Could be written as

Instead of a sad and pain-twisted expression, the Princesses were greeted with a small smile on his increasingly pale face.

This was way better than tons! of long ass chapter HIE story's that I have read. You my friend have got some great talent! :pinkiehappy: Great job dude.

Comment posted by Thebravenorse deleted May 1st, 2014

I knew this was how it would have to end, but still, :fluttercry:

I can dig it, man. Great job.

4323744
Thank you very much.:rainbowkiss:
4323807
Death Korps.
Its the only reason why they were born.:ajsleepy:
4323808
:rainbowwild:

To the Author:
Very nice. Certain things that could have been done differently, but for your first fic, an overall very good job.
To the Korpsman:
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/510/755/e3a.gif

An excellent story Commissar. Truly, you have shown those filthy Xenos the true glory of the Imperium and Krieg.

4323383 Dude did you copy and paste this because ive seen it before

One of the best 40k crossovers on this site well done

An inspiring story, like any Commissar worth their salt should be able to tell.

I will fave this, like it and follow you into the heart of the Warp and back if such is the Emperor's will. :rainbowdetermined2:

ruled by Princess Cadance and ,former Canterlot-Guard Captain, Prince Shining Armor.

Look at the comma, look at it I say. :trixieshiftleft:

Not once did they hesitated when the Princess called for their help.

Drop the "d".

provided their skills with the crossbow to provide cover from the distance.

Being that you already used the word "provided" in the immediate sentence, I would say to change "provide" to something else to get rid of the repetitive choice, "give" works fine, for example, or you could use something with more letters if you want to be fancy. :rainbowwild:

and more often than not, they had won.

Okay, this one is society's fault, and not yours, but it's actually supposed to be "naught" (Nought if you fancy British spelling) which means "nothing" as "more often than nothing" is how the context is supposed to be used, and using "not", which is used to indicate the negative of something, doesn't make much sense when you think about it.

But this is not your fault, this is society's, because everyone knows society is 90% idiots. :trollestia: :rainbowkiss:

Also you forget to double space some of your paragraphs pretty often, such as this one.

Outnumbered, without ammunition and alone, he was still standing there, facing the United Equestrian Army alone.
A few thoughts raced through his mind.
How he had got here, his first contact with these strange beings, the abundance of sorcery which apparently many of those horse-like things had and the mobilisation of this world’s army.

It should look like this:

Outnumbered, without ammunition and alone, he was still standing there, facing the United Equestrian Army alone.

A few thoughts raced through his mind. How he had got here, his first contact with these strange beings, the abundance of sorcery which apparently many of those horse-like things had and the mobilisation of this world’s army.

(At least, assuming "A few thoughts raced through his mind" was supposed to be part of the other paragraph, and not stand alone.)

“If he really wanted to kill, he has had plenty of opportunities...but he didn't. So, he really wants me to show...”

Thoughts are generally not indicated with quotes, as that makes it seem as if she's speaking, that and the wording needs some changing. I prefer to use a combination of italics and apostrophe for the thoughts, and I'll add/change some words in red, so it'll look like this:

'If he really wanted to kill me he would've done so already, he has had plenty of opportunities...but he didn't. So, he really wants to show me...'

pointed it against the equestrians before he began marching

Being the populace of a nation it's a proper noun and should be capitalised.

The deadly rain cackled down onto him but everything bounced off of his too tough armor.

Okay, if this was a comedy such word choice would be fine, but for this why not something along the lines of "resilient armour". (No need for the "u" in armour, that's just English UK putting it's two cents in. :rainbowwild:)

The magical created Energy-beams flew ,with an incredible fast speed

Comma, again.

There's also some oddly capitalised words that shouldn't be, but otherwise it seems okay.

As for the content, it was a good read and is getting a like. Almost brought a sad/proud tear to my eye.

For the lost.

A very good read. Especially for your first story. Can't wait to see what you write next. :twilightsmile:

Fuck, YES!!!
This was just plain amazing!

Was your 6th like, and now I find myself back to congratulate you on being featured on your first fic!

fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/350/6/8/step_into_war_by_hazard_trooper-d5o8pp3.jpg
"The Krieg method of war is a measure of discipline and their sacrifice. It demands respect from all - friend and foe alike."
— Lord Commander Militant, Segmentum Obscurus

A bit rough around the edges, needs a spot of editing, but thus far I'm interested. 40k FTW! :pinkiehappy:

Wouldn't the Korpsman have tried to kill Celestia the moment she appeared before him?

Remember Terranis Holds!

Just fantastic. Nothing really else to say to be honest.

I have little respect for the Corpse God's followers but anyone from Krieg is deserving of at least a little bit.

Great job Loyalist.

4323383

“You want to know, Xeno?” asked the Korpsman for the first time since he had landed in this strange world.

I don't think it would be 'asked the Korpsman', I think it would be 'said the Korpsman'.

Other than that it's pretty sweet.

The story is admirable. All soldiers of krieg had always my respect. :pinkiesmile:

"Only in death does duty end." - An Imperial Thought for the Day.

4324866 ya but we don't know the whoooole story just this badass piece of it.

Oh thank the emperor for writing a fanfic in which humans are superior for more reasons than just being able to kick pony flank.

4325055 Glory to Chaos but I admit it was good.

4325242 Busting a nut in Bab's filly butt ftw.

...:eeyup: That is all.

Wow awesome story

Awww Shiiit Niqqa.:moustache:

loved this superiority in something other then kicking tail tragic beauty just feel more realistic in sense to me can't help but respect that.

This.. this was just awesome. :moustache: So epic.

Holy Shit.

First Place at the Feature Box....:derpyderp2:

40K crossover?
No spessmehrens?
*BLAM* HERESY!

4325943

BATTLE BRUVAS.
SPHESS MEHREENS.

4325943
Actually, in all fairness, DKKs are pretty fucking badass. Of course, the models cost more the the entire GNP of a few small countries, but hey!

He made all the 5+ saves!!! Then the magic, it finally showed he repaid. As a Cadian, I will always respect those from the death korps.

PRAISE THE EMPEROR!

Very well done Lord Commissar. Lucky for Equestria the rest of his regiment wasn't behind him.

4325819

...This was a triumph.

I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCESS

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