Epilogue: Return to Form
Twilight struggled through darkness, a sensation that had become eerily familiar to her. She could hear the echoes of voices murmuring in the background, but nothing that she could make sense of.
It’s warm, she thought as she tried to curl up.
“She moved!” Twilight heard someone say distantly. She tried to open her eyes, but might as well have tried to fly.
Wait, I have wings, her mind said, wondering at the irony, but within moments she had lost the train of thought completely.
“Does anypony know where I might find a razor?” another voice said, this one more melodious than the first. “I would like to remove this—this—thing from my face before she awakes.”
Princess Celestia? Something about the voice tugged at Twilight’s memory, but she brushed it off as she tried to snuggle deeper into the velvety void.
“C’mon, Twi, get your ass outta bed! Ah got shit to do, and no time to do it!”
More than any other, that voice pulled Twilight back to the waking world.
“Applejack! How many times must I tell you to curb that foul language?!” Twilight’s eyes opened, and she found Applejack cowering underneath Rarity’s intense scowl. “What if your sister heard you speak in such a manner?”
“Ah’m sorry, Rares, really!” Applejack said. “Ah have no idea why the hell Ah’m talkin’ this way!” Her eyes widened and she stomped. “Dammit, Ah can’t stop mahself!” She clapped a hoof over her mouth.
Twilight blinked slowly and sat up. She lay on her couch, surrounded by her friends. Pinkie Pie bounced in place and hopped up to sit next to her.
“Welcome back!” she said with a grin. “We’ve been super duper worried!”
“What happened?” Twilight said. She yawned loudly, jaw cracking. “Am I at the library?” Suddenly, her memories returned and realization hit. “The library?! It’s here! It’s really here!” She rolled off the couch, then hopped twice. “And my leg’s better! Applejack, who am I?”
“Er…” Applejack scuffed the ground and glanced at Rarity, who nodded. “You’re mah good friend, Twilight Sparkle,” she said in a wooden voice. As soon as she finished, her face relaxed. “Phew, Ah think Ah finally got mah shit together.”
“Applejack!” Rarity shrieked.
Hmm, it feels like somepony’s missing— Twilight gasped loudly. “Where’s Spike?” she said. “Is he alright?”
“Napping upstairs,” Rainbow said, gesturing towards the stairs.
“The poor dear could barely keep his eyes open, so we insisted that he lie down,” Rarity added.
“Good idea.” Twilight’s eyes darted from face to face as she considered her current situation. Was it a dream? she wondered. If everything’s back to normal, then—
“Ah, I see you have awoken.” Luna poked her head out from the kitchen. “I hope you do not mind that I helped myself to a small snack.” She walked out with a massive sandwich.
“That’s fine, but, Luna, why are you here?” Twilight said slowly. Her eyes landed on a brown coat and black turtleneck sweater, draped over the back of a chair. “Unless it wasn’t a dream. And if it wasn’t a dream, then I—oh, Celestia…” Tears welled in her eyes. “Luna, I’m so sorry, I—”
The sound of hoofsteps came from behind her, and when Twilight turned and saw who it was, her mouth dropped open.
“Hello, Twilight Sparkle,” Princess Celestia said on her way down the stairs. Small pieces of bloody tissue clung to her chin. “I believe I now understand why Starswirl the Bearded never shaved.”
“Save your tears,” Luna said as she patted Twilight on the back. “My sister is whole and healthy, eye included. She just wished to remove her, um, facial hair before she spoke with you.”
“As Luna says—” Celestia walked to Twilight and dropped to her haunches “—I did not wish for you to see me like—” Twilight’s sudden embrace crushed the air out of her lungs.
“I’m so glad,” Twilight said, burying her face in Celestia’s coat. “I thought you were—” She took a deep breath and stepped back. “Sorry.”
“Perhaps you should explain things,” Celestia said with a smile.
“I will tell my sister of the part she played on our way back to Canterlot,” Luna cut in. “It is of no consequence to the rest of the story.” She gave Twilight a plaintive look.
“Y-yeah, sure,” Twilight said. She shook her head and turned to address the whole room. “So, um, what happened while I was unconscious?”
“We all woke up in the middle of town with no memory of the past day and a half,” Rarity said, stepping forward. “You were lying there with us. Princess Luna explained that Discord caused the entire mishap and that we all played parts in some real-life movie, but she won’t say any more. What exactly happened?”
“Well, a lot of things happened, really,” Twilight said. “First, I was attacked by ninjas in the bathroom! I managed to keep away from them, but there was a bomb under my bed, so I grabbed Spike and flew out the window. Then, right after the library exploded, somepony—” She glanced at Rainbow quickly “—kidnapped Spike and knocked me out.”
“The whole library?” Applejack said, raising an eyebrow. “Mighty big explosion, sounds like.”
“You and Pinkie dragged me back to headquarters—Sweet Apple Headquarters, that is—where you were the police chief, and Pinkie was my partner.”
“Ooo,” Pinkie said, “was I the bestest best partner ever?”
“You were pretty good,” Twilight said. “Then Rarity got me a tuxedo for a party, and I met Fluttershy there, and we fought off at least ten ponies on our own!” She glanced at Fluttershy, but couldn't catch her gaze. With a small shrug, she continued. “There was a lot of fighting, and explosions, and it got really rough for a while, but we ended up beating Cel—the bad mare and saving Ponyville.”
“Was I there?” Rainbow asked eagerly. “Did I kick flank, too?”
“Um...you were a Wonderbolt,” Twilight said without looking at her.
“Yes! I knew I was awesome!” Rainbow cheered.
“You certainly seem more animated than usual,” Rarity said as she patted Twilight on the back. “It sounds like you had a marvelous time.”
Twilight stared wide-eyed at her friend. “Marvelous?” she said. “It was awful! I almost died on more than three separate occasions!”
“The way you just explained it seemed damn excitin’ to me,” Applejack said with a grin. “But, if ya say so…” Rarity glared at her. “Aw, hell, Ah did it again, didn’t Ah?”
“I just think it’s weird that none of you remember any of this,” Twilight said, frowning.
“I—I do.” Everybody turned to look at Fluttershy, who had her back turned to them.
A long moment passed before Twilight spoke. “Wh-what did you say?” Her blood chilled as she considered the implications.
“Um, I remember everything,” Fluttershy said, head drooping. “S-sorry.”
“Why you and not anypony else?” Twilight asked. Her legs wobbled, but she refused to sit.
Luna turned to the kitchen and spoke up. “Perhaps this cur can enlighten us,” she said, horn aglow. Something carried by her magic floated out into the room and fell to the floor before Twilight.
“Heh heh, hello there,” said Discord, still squashed into a cube inside his cage. “Fancy meeting you here, huh?”
“Oh. You.” Twilight glared down at him. “So, what’s the deal with Fluttershy remembering things?”
“Just because it’s my spell doesn’t mean I know everything about it,” Discord said. With an extreme effort, he managed to roll his eyes.
“Make a hypothesis,” Twilight said drily.
“Fiiiine.” He took a deep breath. “Most likely, it was because Fluttershy was not part of the original spell. However, when it ran out of control, she got sucked in and a character was created for her. When it all ended, the characters I had written went back to the way they were before, but the ones I hadn’t scripted—namely, Fluttershy and President Luna—kept their full memories. There. Good enough for you? Now howsabout letting me out of here?” He waggled his eyebrows.
Twilight opened her mouth to press further when someone knocked at the door. She turned slowly away from Discord and pulled it open to reveal Gilda, whole and hale. “Gilda! What are—what can we do for you?”
“Uh, is Dash here?” Gilda asked, rubbing the back of her head.
“Yeah, I’m here,” Rainbow said as she walked up. A scowl had spread across her face. “What is it?”
Twilight saw Rarity approach Fluttershy in the back of the room, where the two held a hushed conversation.
“Look, I just wanted to say—” Gilda coughed into her wing. “Dash, you know I’d never ditch you, right?”
The scowl faded from Rainbow’s expression. “Huh?”
“I’d never—gah, I’m bad at this type of thing,” she muttered. “What I mean is, if you needed me for anything, I’d be there.” She blushed and glanced away. “Get it?”
“Yeah,” Rainbow said slowly, “I think I do. I got your back, too.” She put a hoof on Gilda’s shoulder. “Where’s this coming from all of a sudden?”
“I dunno,” Gilda with a shrug. “I must’ve been flying in my sleep or something, because I woke up on a cloud, and just wanted to say that.” She stretched her neck. “And I think I slept on my neck weird, cuz it’s really stiff.”
As Gilda and Rainbow caught up with each other, Luna walked to Twilight and tapped her on the back. “When Celestia learns of the part she played in Discord’s prank, she likely will experience terrible guilt.” She stuffed the remainder of her sandwich into her mouth and swallowed.
“It wasn’t her fault, though!” Twilight said softly. “Celestia’s one of the most peaceful ponies I know!”
“While that may be true, look at it from her perspective,” Luna said. “Her actions caused harm to many, regardless of whether she had control or not. Would you not feel remorse, as well?” She sighed and glanced at Celestia, who was busy examining her poorly shaven face in a mirror. “I only wish to say that you should expect correspondence regarding this very issue, perhaps even as early as tonight. With patience and caring, you and I can alleviate the damage. Now, I imagine that you wish to discuss matters with fair Fluttershy, do you not?”
“I—” Twilight gulped at the thought. “I guess I can’t avoid it.”
“Would any of you lovely ponies be so kind as to maybe, possibly, let me out?” Discord said. “I have an itch in a place I probably shouldn’t mention.”
Twilight snorted and turned away from him, but her mood immediately grew serious as she considered Fluttershy. I suppose this is the end of our friendship, she thought. “So, um, Fl-Fluttershy—”
“Girls,” Rarity said, moving towards the door, “why don’t we give them a moment to themselves?”
“What the hell for?” Applejack asked, following her out.
“Dear, we really must work on breaking you of this habit…”
“See ya later, Twilight!” Pinkie said with a grin. “Heehee, I was the bestest partner ever!” She giggled as she left.
“Yeah, later on, Twi. I still wanna hear about how awesome I was, though.” Then Rainbow, too, was gone, Gilda right behind her.
Celestia waved farewell on her way out as Luna picked up Discord and trotted to the door. “Farewell, Twilight,” Celestia said, bowing her head gracefully. “I wish you the best in resolving this issue.”
“And I shall be awaiting our… chat,” Luna said with a shudder. The two moved outside, closing the door behind them.
Silence fell in the room. Twilight could only stare at Fluttershy, who sat there, trembling and refusing to look around. Finally, Twilight could take it no longer. “I’m sorry!” she blurted out. “I—I didn’t mean to ruin our friendship!” Fluttershy turned her head to look at Twilight out of the corner of her eye. “It was just—I know now that Discord’s stupid spell programmed you to be attracted to me, and that I was supposed to return the feelings, but I shouldn’t have let it happen. I should have remembered that the real you doesn’t think of me that way.”
“Twilight…” Fluttershy reached out with a hoof, but didn’t otherwise move to make contact.
“I want to still be friends, but I know that won’t work anymore, not after we—” Twilight swallowed heavily “—not after that.” She turned to the door. “If you want me to, I’ll explain to the girls why we can’t spend time together anymore.”
“Twilight!” Fluttershy said more loudly.
“The worst thing is, at the time, it felt right,” Twilight continued, oblivious to her voice. “Looking back, I don’t know what I was thinking, but I should have known that you would never agree to—”
“Twilight!” Fluttershy shouted. Twilight spun, eyes wide, to face her. “I, um, I d-don’t really mind.” She dropped her gaze back to the floor.
Twilight’s mouth gaped open for a moment. “You don’t mind?” she finally said. “How can you not mind?”
“Well, I—” Fluttershy visibly struggled to raise her head. “What if I maybe—kind of—sort of felt something before?”
“You mean before now?” Twilight asked.
“No, before Discord’s spell,” Fluttershy said. “B-because I kind of did.” Her cheeks grew red, but her eyes remained fixed on Twilight’s.
“What would you have felt before Discord’s spell? Unless you mean—” Suddenly, Twilight fell backwards, mouth working but no sound coming out.
Fluttershy finally turned away, back towards the window. “So, um, if you want to maybe—if it’s alright with you—try again, I would be okay with it.” Her voice trailed off so that the last few words were barely audible.
“Try again?” Twilight said. “You want to try again? With me?”
“F-from the beginning, of course,” Fluttershy said quickly. “But, um—yes.” A tremulous smile graced her features. “You still owe me dinner, unless you don’t want to—”
“Of course I want to!” Twilight said, rushing forward and meeting her in a passionate kiss. However, after only a few seconds, Twilight fell back. “Sorry!” She blushed and licked her lips. She still tastes like honey. “I, um… got a little carried away. Heh...”
Wings spread wide, Fluttershy nearly toppled over. “I-it’s okay,” she said with a silly grin on her face. “We’ll g-get there.”
Unfortunately, any time they might have had to bask in each other’s presence was taken from them when the door slammed open and Luna trotted in, Discord in tow.
“I apologize for the interruption, but something dire demands your attention,” she said quickly. Her foreleg beckoned to someone outside. “Guard, do not waste time.” A member of the royal guard galloped in and slid to a halt. “Explain the situation to Princess Twilight, if you would.”
“Yes, Princess.” He fixed Twilight with an even stare. “Your Majesty, a group of ponies has taken control of Nakapony Plaza in Canterlot. They have hostages, which they have threatened to execute if their demands are not met.”
“What?!” Twilight said. “Who would do this?”
“I, uh…” The guard swallowed heavily. “Eyewitnesses claim that the leaders of the group are, um, Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor.”
For a long moment, none of them said anything. Twilight finally scowled deeply and slowly turned to glare at Discord.
“What?” he said, shrugging as best he could. “Don’t look at me!”
Twilight sighed explosively and grabbed her sweater. “Discord, if you ever get out of that cage, I would think long and hard about how you treat your friends,” she said as she pulled it over her head.
“Don’t worry,” Fluttershy whispered to him. “I won’t let them keep you in there forever.” She helped Twilight slip her legs through the coat.
“Alright, let’s get this over with. Fluttershy, I’m going to have to take a rain-check on dinner.” She pulled a pair of sunglasses out of a pocket and slid them on.
“It’s okay,” Fluttershy said through a giggle. “I forgive you.” With Fluttershy galloping by her side, Twilight ran through the door, right past Celestia.
“Something is different about Twilight,” Celestia said Luna. “She seems more…”
“Capable?” Luna suggested. “Confident? She has changed much in the past day and a half. However, while we stand here discussing this, Twilight gallops into danger.”
“Yes, we should follow.” They turned and dashed after.
In the distance, they could see Twilight and Fluttershy, running together into the sunset.
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Thank you for this story. It was a joy from beginning to end.
It seems like Discord's spell grew out of control and has taken over the whole of Equestria. Now Twilight has to go defeat/rescue everypony she knows to help to snap out of their characters. Next is Twilight Sparkle is Princess on a Mission.
SEQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really, really hope Celestia's beard keeps growing back.
Also, I crave a sequel as well!
Twilight, you silly pony. You need both the cool jacket/coat AND the sunglasses. And possibly a machine gun.
Aha, god! This entire story is so cheesy!
But that's how action explosions movies are like.
Only BRIAN BLESSED could provide the necessary ham required to go with this cheese
OH COME ON i want the DIE HARD sequel
4647420
Spoiler alert: At least one of those things never happens.
4647481
My bet's the witty one liner. Just because I have the exact same problem.
Where da oneliner at!
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Oh, this was just glorious.
Evil beards, AJ beautifully cast as police chief, an uncommon romance interest... The illustrations were just the icing on the cake.
Excellently done!
4669822
I certainly do enjoy glowing reviews.
I winced every time Twilight was described as being in pain or getting hurt.
But I stayed for all the Trixie abuse.
I miss the days of action movies like these. Those were the good old days.
4731286
Fear not, there are no scenes with sex, or anything approaching. The most you have to worry about is kissing, which is something that happens in G-rated Disney movies.
As for the romance tag, since the TwiShy is such a minor part of the story, I decided against tagging it as such.
I will, however, keep your concerns in mind on my future projects. I'm sorry if you found it distasteful.
Hahaha, nice ending. (spoiler tags from here on in just in case anyone who hasn't finished reads this) I was pretty sure the boss was Celestia from the first scene where the boss makes an appearance. Honestly I wasn't sure I would like this. It was like a James Bond film mixed together with a generic "loose cannon cop" film and then topped with a garnish of explosions and ninjas. I did like how Twilight and Fluttershy ganged up on the boss at the end ! I would have liked to see a magical swordfight, but the final battle was suitable impressive. I give it 9 evil villain beards out of 10.
4747838
I'm glad to bring you around to my side.
You're right about the mish-mash of tropes—the goal of this piece was actually to cram in as many action-movie references as possible (within reason) as a way of simultaneously poking fun at and celebrating them. The most fun was adapting Ponyville and its inhabitants in order to fit the roles that these movies demanded (Applejack was certainly the most enjoyable character to write), and then throwing Twilight smack-dab in the middle with nary a clue as to what's going on.
Anyhoo, thanks for both reading and giving a favorable opinion (9/10 ain't bad).
4748642
more like 95/100, but that's a lot of beards. And 9.5/10 beards just sounds silly. How does one have half a beard?
4750298 static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Half_1eb57c_1895156.jpg
But wait, did Twilight ever come up with a good catchphrase?
4770227
They were *all* good catchphrases.
Eyup, have to say it again, this was a great take on the action-genre and the characters were great (Applejack was the best)! Just...keep being this good, ok?
4773301 well, what I meant to say was that there seemed to be sub-plot of Twilight trying to come up with a catchphrase that wouldn't make everyone groan in distaste/agony, though now that I think about it, that last one about taking a raincheck didn't elicit any groans, so I think the sub-plot did get closure after all.
4773695
I'd be hesitant to read my stories, too. I'm glad you came around though.
That was awesome! Why did it take so long for me to know of this story's existence. I read the whole thing in one sitting.
I love how even after things are back to normal that Applejack can't stop swearing. Granny Smith might have to wash that mare's mouth out with soap.
Twilight's one-liners were equally groanworthy and hilarious. I didn't think they were all bad.
Discord knows that rule... if the scenes are overloaded with characters, simplify some of them.
Of course, he's written them to contradict their usual roles, for chaos...
so someone real gets to watch the performance, and so that Discord doesn't have to do all the work (no fun for him...)
Alternatively, he could record it as a movie.
This was one of the greatest stories I have ever read, fanfic or no. And I mean that. It was beautifully crafted and presented, and I can say I am a better individual for having experienced it.
Also, this is likely my overinflated ego talking but...
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You now have my everlasting love!
Continue on with your awesomeness!
No wonder Applejack can't stop doing her impression of a sailor. They're already in the sequel!
Really glad I read this. Love any kind of fic that parodies cliche action flicks.
Sequel? Please?
7033740
That is almost certainly the case.
Ya beautiful sonofabitch get over hear so I can kiss ya, truly magnifico, ten outa ten. More I say.
7127631
Noooooooo! I don't want cooties!
I demand a sequel!!
7524283
They clearly don't know not to mess with the hero.
Huh ... I kinda expected AJ to be the obligatory dirty old copper trying to sweeten the retirement deal.
Oh well, can't have all the cliches in a single movie.