Three days ago, the moon eclipsed the sun at midday before setting soon after. Three days ago, a series of explosions rocked the Castle of the Two Sisters and the surrounding village. Three days ago, Princess Luna disappeared without a trace.
Ever since then, the sun has remained fixed in the sky, and all of Equestria has already begun to wither in the resulting heat wave. Princess Celestia refuses to leave her chambers, and the only one who could reliably bring her forth, her sister, is nowhere to be found.
What will it take to bring Celestia back to reason and stability back to Equestria?
Chapters (2)
Well, lets see, a nice starting to what could be quite a long saga. Very interested in seeing where it goes. So lets start in!
For the intro it's a nice descriptive opening, the use of sight, sound, and temperature are all great as it adds to that heavy oppressive aura. I'd like it to interact with a few other things, banners or the like, to really get that stifling sensation as it's very close. Ugh, summer-time construction... yeh, already getting the scent of tar and mixing cement dust in my nose at that thought. Anyway, great start.
I rather like the petitioner line and that whole sequence, the interaction works nicely and the captain's little bout of insults did get a smile from me too, so well done (Goatwand in particular,
nice). Lets see, I did get a little lost on figuring out who Vigil was and Gabby, but that was from my own missed reading. I do wonder how a griffon would look in Equestrian armor, ah, now I'm just muttering.
The political set up is something that serves the story well, as is that ruffled feeling from between the Lunar and Solar guards which adds a good touch of tension to the stifling heat and uncertainty of the Princess's situation. So I like it, as do I that there is some resentment between subjects of the Princesses which I like exploring as a topic. That feeling of sacrifice coming from someone that wasn't their own in corps was an interesting one too: it's one thing to say they don't like each other but you really backed it up by showing how far Vigil was willing to go with it too. All in all, it's at least borderline sinister. Nicely done.
Now, for my few critical points. There's just a double quotation that threw me here.
Aside from that, characters said 'said' a lot in the later part of the chapter. Gabby got me early on by having that venemous tone, but I'd like to see or feel their emotions just a little more. It depends if you're going to be changing speech patterns much but that could help, as could changing 'said' to something more evocative. For example, if Vigil is something of a 'stickler'
“The captain has, in fact, recently returned from the post and is due to give a report,” Vigil's gaze shifted down her long muzzle, fixing her subordinate with a commanding stare, “Captain.”
It's not really big, but it's something that at least hove around for a little bit so I figured it was worth mentioning.
Character wise: I like them. Greenwing gets a beady eye and a scrunched up muzzle because I'm an 'Order' freak, but I don't dislike him, I just need to figure out how I feel about him. I need to see him a little more to determine my overall feelings. I love Gabby and Dustry Scroll, but the others didn't get a ton of exposure to really set them apart. Some of it could be speech, and some could need just a little more time by themselves, but I'm eager to see how they progress.
Another little thing, this feels a touch like a chapter 2, but part of that is that I can't determine who counts as a lead character and I don't know them that well yet. This feels like it might be served well with a 500 word or under prologue, even just a nature scene showing the explosion or something, and the reaction of one lead or another important character. Just to set the scene rather than starting immediately in medias res.
Lets see, all in all I like the story so you'll be getting' mah vote and mah watch. Hope it wasn't too long and that it might help, mate!
After all, I know how the no comment thing feels 
4027247
Hey, thanks a bunch! I appreciate the review. Some of these items bear responding to.
First of all, I'm afraid that this won't be the epic you might be expecting. This is the first half, and I'll be posting the second this Friday. It is a slice of life story, after all.
I'm glad that you caught on to the rivalry between Celestia's and Luna's guards. I didn't want to overdo it, but it's definitely there (albeit in between the lines).
Concerning your comment on this chapter feeling like the second, that's because, in a way, it is. The first chapter would be Celestia's fight with Nightmare Moon (which we saw in "Princess Twilight"). This story is really about the aftermath of that conflict.
Greenwing is kind of the main character, but the story isn't really about him at all. He's just the medium through which the reader gets to observe what's happening, played from the perspective that nobody really knows what happened three days prior. The princesses are the true subjects of this story, and it's actually up to the reader to decide which of the two is referenced in the title.
I'm glad that you liked it, and I hope you enjoy the conclusion!
4032132
Not a problem at all, mate!
Oh no worries, just saying that it has that feel that you could expand on it (if so chosen) it just has that feel that it's setting up a grand narrative. It's certainly exemplary in how it approaches it!
Well, fetch me some wheels and call me a wagon if I ain't all red and foalish looking
So it is, and I was even going to comment that the big aspect that I really like is that the time for this isn't ever set. How I missed the big ol' rent being such a telling marking is beyond me.
I was wondering exactly which one the title referenced too, rather like it as interpretive writing is some of my favorite too.
Shall see with Greenwing, really did just want to see how he reacts to a greater authority and what happens now. Still haven't made up my mind on how I feel about him, but a lot of that is really just being curious how the next bit goes.
Can't wait till Friday! Thanks again!
This really does not seem complete.
Was this BEFORE Nightmare Moon OR after?
4058877
Immediately after.
Thiiis I'm liking. Rich detail, smooth transition that feels ephemeral and hazy at a distance, and proper use of theatrical English
.
The air of the throne room really is an uncomfortable one, it just works with the atmosphere of uncertainty and feels like that sort of prelude to decay. That said, as it stands it feels like a sort of uncomfortable neglect which adds to the feeling Celestia conjures up. IE, her loss, sorrow, and yet regal form all still feel like they're present in the right measures: so she 'feels' right
What I like thematically is the questioning of duty vs. loyalty; it makes a distinct impression that Celestia is on one side completely (A la Season 4 opener flashback) and Greenwing is on the other. It feels like a nice way to actually give Celestia a few very real issues and flaws which she's typically lacking. It's subtle, and exists in a few ways, but it adds a lot. As it is, it makes the decision that was made all the more sympathetic and yet the aftermath more tragic as a direct result. The theme of her second guessing herself continues from that, which I really appreciate.
Greenwing, I said I'd have to think about how I feel: I did. I like him. He's an wretch that I'd have never want under my command, but I can't bring myself to dislike him for it. Whether it's the flashback or just the exceptionally loyal streak, he feels outspoken without being pushy. Celestia still did have the last word, he did back off, and that stammering made it really apparent that he's aware he may have over-stepped his bounds. That is a key make-or-break thing for me when it comes to characters in a monarch/feudal system: outright disobedience without a back up plan, power, or some other way to enforce that, just comes across as tremendously anachronistic and in league with modern western values rather than anything authentic. Ah, but I digress. Greenwing's got an awfully good name, and I like his conscience; it's a sort of 'Thought for the Day*' style mode that, again, subverts some expectations.
Who I really found I liked was his father. He plays a straight 'common' mind and vox populi well in this case: almost a case study in fact. The inflection in “Princesses don’t get lonely!” in particular is a terrific line, not only from the similar notion with Celestia, but because it's showing a societal pedestal for both princesses. It adds to that mistaken notion that the royals are perfect and unapproachable, somehow grossly elevated beyond the plebeian mobs they see fit to rule. But it doesn't take into account their own emotional states because of that elevation which can cause a tremendous amount of conflict.
Not only that, you managed it -perfectly- the second time in the unexpected memory Celestia imparted. I was bloody glad to have that perspective, but once again, it de-elevates her from her position of unimpeachable and unapproachable power by giving her that commonality with Greenwing himself. It's an exceptionally adept use as a literary device .
Excellent ending, excellent resolution. I wish there was more aftermath stories out there. Really has a quality and feel of its own. Well done PegasusMesa! Definitely a favourite of mine
Thought for the Day: Ignorance is bliss. Contemplation begets a troubled mind.
4060435
Well, if there's anything I like more than a review, it's a glowing review. Thanks for your feedback, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
4059847
Wha?So this was JUST after she got back from the moon?
4064048
Ah, I see the confusion. No, this is three days after Celestia banished her to the moon, 1000 years before the show.
4064863 Thank you for clearing that up
It's such a shame that a story as good as this doesn't even have 200 views.
4098173
Ah, I do so love compliments. Thank you much.
4098253 Hey, it's the truth!
Hi there. I'm the guy who claimed this story for review on ponychan. I just wanted to give you an update, and ask a question. The update is that I've finished reading, and as you can probably tell from my favoriting, I enjoyed it greatly. The question is, what exactly are you looking for with this review? I see you've already had two editors go over it. Are you gearing up for a submission to Equestria Daily, the Royal Guard, or some similar organization? I can offer a few nitpicks of structure and grammar here and there, but other than that I only have one or two larger issues to discuss. It would help me a lot to know what you consider "hard mode" reviewing. Thanks!
4136292
I'm glad that you enjoyed the story.
I am indeed trying to get it ship-shape for submission to EqD and TRG. In the past, reviewers from /fic/ have been shown to have a knack for constructive criticism, so I thought it would be a good place to get another opinion on this story.
When I say "hard mode reviewing," I mean that I don't want the reviewer to withhold criticism to spare my feelings. It's actually not easy finding people who are willing to give blunt opinions. Compliments are all nice and give a warm, fuzzy feeling on the inside, but they don't help in the long run. In not so many words, I'm asking you to kick my ass.
I do appreciate you taking the time to read and review my fic.
4136843
So be it. Let the ass-kicking commence!
Link
Actually, to be perfectly honest, I'm not that good at being blunt, but your review is up. Hopefully it delivers what you're looking for. If not, I won't be offended if you ask someone else to take a look. Even if you don't make it onto Equestria Daily or the Royal Guard, you can try adding the story to more groups to give it more exposure. I know it seems kind of cheap and sleazy, but it works. You definitely deserve more viewers.
4137795
I just read it, and that's exactly what I was looking for. I'll have a response written up in a day or two. Thanks much!
4137795
This took way too long for me to respond to, but it's up and ready for viewing. Thanks again!
I gotta say, this is a nice look at the time just after Luna's banishment. I'll admit it took me a bit to realise the era it was set in, but I certainly enjoyed the story. Good job.
4190087
I posted a brief reply of my own, though it's probably a discussion we should have on here so we don't derail the thread. If you feel the need to, of course. Either way, happy writing!
Very beautiful. Bravo.
4209649
Thank ya much
This story makes the assumption that ponies actually noticed when Luna went missing.
Given reactions in the actual series she was almost entirely forgotten almost immediately.
4220041
What? People can forget a lot in a thousand years. Quick, what major event happened in your country in 1014 AD?
I see you made it onto Equestria Daily. Awesome! All thanks to me, no doubt (actually, I haven't even checked to see if you made any changes yet, I was just excited to see this posted, so I had to comment).
4221682
I have in fact started on your changes in a separate gdoc, but didn't want to add them to this until I made it complete. I like this story too much to leave it alone when there are improvement to be made.
This was really good. I didn't even figure out when the story took place till right at the end and then I was like 'oh, duh'.
I don't understand part of the ending.
Even if he didn't necessarily want to go, Celestia asked him to be there. If anything I think Celestia would have sent for him.
4221682 What happened to my country in 1014 AD? Uhhhhh, I think the Anasazi disappeared right about then, but I don't know for sure...
4223414
I don't think they ever actually say that Princess Luna was immediately forgotten, and I wouldn't expect that to be the case, either. They probably just disregarded her, and that's the sense I tried to give in the story. Celestia and the sun is seen as the big problem, while Luna's disappearance is more of a "well, I guess that happened" type of thing.
4222722
Yeah, I could have done that better. What I tried to convey is that the topic is one Celestia would rather avoid, and Greenwing figures that out and decides to leave her alone. Since she doesn't want to talk about it, she's not terribly likely to go out of her way to summon him for the discussion.
4222361
I'm happy to satisfy. I had hoped the setting would be a bit ambiguous.
I really enjoyed this. I am also kind of dense, it took me a while to figure out what was going on. I got there eventually!
4220041 Eh a thousand years is a LOOOOOOONG time. We often don't forget things right away, but they become less important to us. I suspect it would have been some time before Luna became a forgotten piece of history.
The only thing I really have to note as being wrong is actually right at the start of the story; "laconically" cannot really be used in this way. I think I understand what you meant, but it doesn't really work with the word.
I thought this was a solid idea for a story, and fairly well executed.
4225210
I don't know what you're talking about. It looks to me like it says "sluggishly". I didn't change it to something else. Nope. Not me.
Seriously, though, thanks for the comment and the compliments.
4224166
It was a ruse! Mwahahaha!
When you say three days straight, do you mean 72 or 36 hours?
4225258
Never happened. Must have gone crazy or something.
4225943
Definitely 72 hours. Long enough to really make everyone panic.
img.photobucket.com/albums/v295/shadowslayer/memes/manly_tears.png
"...And that foolish pony did nothing to stop
The destruction of one who had needed her most.
Lullay Moon Princess, goodnight sister mine,
Rest now in moonlight's embrace.
Bear up my lullaby, winds of the earth,
Through cloud and through sky and through space.
Carry the peace and the coolness of night,
And carry my sorrow in kind.
Luna, you're loved so much more than you know,
May troubles be far from your mind...
And forgive me for being so blind."
You used that word properly.
Liked and fav'd for that reason alone.
Also because I liked the story.
Have a ribbon:
i.imgur.com/6MrWqNZ.png
And a like, a fav, and a feature recommendation.
And can you take some of these feels back? I can't hold them all
4268997
Thanks for the ribbon and everything else! I'm glad that you enjoyed the story. Now, about those feels... hmmm...
"Suddenly, Luna burst through the wall, shouting, 'April Fools! Did I suprise thee?'"
There, I believe that sufficiently derails everything.
4269268
Whew, much better.
And you're very welcome!
you should label this sad
A delightful story, show-quality. I could see this being an IDW comic's script.
Not bad at all honestly, but it feels like a last chapture is due unless he genuinely decides to go in ignorance.
I am unsatisfied with the ending truthfully if it must end like this I would consider a "sad" tag.
Great story. I really liked how the time period was ambiguous at first, loved it! I see a few people in the comments are a tad confused, but I really think it draws the reader in. Anyway, I really enjoyed the story, well written, great characters. I do wonder why you had a griffin in the guard though, some back story on that?
Greenthumbed!