• Published 17th Feb 2014
  • 4,120 Views, 126 Comments

Sow The Wind, Reap The Whirlwind - Aragon



Time Turner is preparing for the most important lecture of his life. One wrong move will mess up everything. Thankfully, his friends are there to help him relax. The problem is not his friends being sociopaths, but his friends being mad at him too.

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Third Chapter: We Truly Are The Best Of Friends

“Did you know that Vinyl was the one who introduced me to Turner in the first place?”

Canterlot was a huge city. Octavia and Derpy had been walking around for a long time now, and Tavi wasn’t really sure if she was going the right way. After all, she had been in that house only once in her life, at night, while slightly drunk, and guided by a stallion that wasn’t exactly trying to teach her the way.

Derpy was still walking behind her. Octavia didn’t look back, but she could hear her hoofsteps perfectly. “Yes,” the pegasus answered. “Of course I knew.”

“I’m still wondering why the hell she did that. You see…”

“She didn’t know you’re a horrible pony,” Derpy interrupted. “That’s why.”

Tavi raised an eyebrow. Useless, as her friend wasn’t looking at her face, but the thought behind it was what mattered. “Uh-huh.”

“You’re the most worthless, idiotic, evil, machiavelic, and downright awful pony I’ve ever had the disgrace to meet.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. “I’m trying to tell you a story.”

“I know. I’m just offering you my insight on it.”

“You don’t want to hear my excuses, do you?”

“Well, at this point, it’s either this or punching you,” Derpy answered. “I don’t feel like punching you.”

Tavi smiled. “Wow, thanks.”

“Yet.”

“Hm.”

“So yeah, go on.”

Tavi sighed. “Okay. You see—”

“You monster.”

Octavia stopped and turned around. Derpy was looking at her with a… particular face. She was frowning, but at the same time it was clear that she was trying to raise an eyebrow and close her eyes a little, just like Bon Bon did when she was being… Well, when she was being Bon Bon. So the end result was that Derpy looked like she was really trying not to sneeze and very constipated at the same time. “Are you seriously going to do that all the time?”

“I don’t know.” Derpy kept walking, and Tavi rushed to get on her level. “Did you try to fuck Turner?”

“I—”

“Then yes, I’m going to do that.”

Octavia frowned. “I’m not going to apologize, no matter how often you interrupt me.”

“And I’m not going to punch that pretty face, no matter how often you act like a bitch.” Derpy gave her a fake smile. Octavia could tell because she was showing way too many teeth. “And I’ve just realized you’re like that all the time, so you better thank me!”

“I only tried to seduce him once.

“Yes, that’s one too many times.”

“I—!”

“You ogre.”

“Okay, that’s it!” Tavi stomped the ground to make her exclamation a little more dramatic. “Can you at least go back to being jealous? I prefer working with Lyra-Derpy than working with Bon Bon-Derpy!”

“My, how tragic. I am so...

“Okay, you know what? Fuck it.” Octavia sighed. “I’m sorry. There.” She glared at Derpy. “I’m going to accept that Turner is yours and I’m going to act as if trying to ask a friend for help is a bad thing, just because you’re too much of a bitch to be a normal pony in this kind of situation. Happy? You win!”

Silence.

“You’re still an awful pony.”

“For crying out loud, Derpy!” Octavia yelled. “Is it so hard for you to show a little empathy now and then?!”

“Usually, I do that.” Derpy licked her lips. “However, I’m too busy hating your guts at the moment. I’ll try again tomorrow, if you don’t mind.”

Tavi rolled her eyes. “Do you want to know why I kissed him, or…?”

“Why would I? I already know.” Derpy swung her tail a little too hard, hitting Octavia’s flank. “Doc is hot. You realized that. Then you stopped to think about my feelings and the result was something along the lines of ‘fuck Derpy, I’m a traitor after all!’ and then went to his house.”

Octavia snorted. “Yes. Yes, that is exactly what happened.”

“I knew it.”

“I included the sentence ‘I am a traitor’ in my line of thought.”

“Of course.”

“Because, you know, I was just trying to be evil. I would have twirled my mustache while doing so, but I don’t have one.”

Derpy nodded. “Uh-huh.”

“My actions have absolutely no excuse or reason behind them.”

“Yes, they have.”

Tavi raised an eyebrow. “Oh, now they have?”

“Yes.”

“Them being?”

“You’re a douchebag.”

“Would you please stop insulting me?”

“Hey, you tried to shag my property.” Derpy raised her snout to the sky. “Excuse me if I’m irritated.”

Silence.

“You’re not angry anymore, are you?”

“I’m so furious I could bite off your head.”

Tavi smirked. “You’re not angry.”

“You’re a stupid, evil, devious, horrible, hateable, downright-abominable mare and we are no longer friends.”

“You’re just happy because Turner rejected me, but you’re trying to hide it.”

Derpy smiled back. This time, she showed just the right amount of teeth. “Isn’t he just dreamy?! I’m still pissed off at you, though.”

“You’ll get over it.”

“I’ll get over it. You fiend.”

“Oh, hey. We’re finally here.”


“Well, I totally wasn’t expecting this, but now that I see you’re here I realize that I should, because wow this is going to be amazing. l. I don’t know how I’ve made it through the day without you. You’re such beautiful, pleasant company that I am looking forward to the incredibly long time you’re going to stay here, being as unnecessarily obnoxious as possible, scaring away the customers and just making my fucking day.

“Hello, Bon,” Lyra said, leaving a trace of blood on the ground as she walked to the counter. “Gimme a coffee.”

“Well, congratulations. You’re making a bloody mess on the floor. You’ve been here for less than three seconds and you’ve already managed to disgust me, annoy some random guy that will need to clean that shit later, gross out the customers, and make me hate you even more than usual! You girls are on a roll today!”

“You sure are feeling cheery this morning, huh.” Lyra rested her front hooves on the counter. Bon Bon immediately got a paper sheet from under it and pressed it against the unicorn’s temple. “Now shut up and give me a coffee.”

Bon Bon raised an eyebrow. “Twenty bits.”

“It’s fifteen bits, actually,” Lyra said. “And I don’t have money. Give me a coffee.”

“No, really? Wow, I’ve been doing this wrong all my life! It’s not like—”

“I said shut up,” Lyra muttered. “Anyway, did you know that Octavia almost fucked Turner?”

“My, I’m so glad you’re telling me this.” Bon Bon sighed. “You know, it’s the little things that make life worthwhile: the smell of rain in the morning, the smile of a little colt on his birthday, and you telling me useless shit about Time Turner. Of all the ponies in existence—No, of all the living beings in existence, you choose to talk about him.” She looked to the roof. “There is literally an endless list of stuff we can talk about, but you chose Time-fucking-Turner, asshole extraordinaire, because both Vinyl and you are so desperate to be as not-annoying-at-all as possible that you make a conscious effort to go out of your way to bother me. Because I’m completely sure that you care about Turner.” She glared at Lyra. “There’s absolutely no chances that you’re talking about him just to piss me off. You’re such a wond—”

“I don’t see no coffee here.” Lyra tapped her hoof on the counter. “I’m pretty sure I asked for a coffee.”

Bon Bon squinted her eyes, then put the hot cup of coffee she had been hiding until that particular moment. “Twenty bits,” she repeated. “Of course, you have no money, because you—”

“So yeah, apparently Octavia tried to seduce Turner, or something like that, and now he doesn’t want Derpy to know about it.” Lyra grabbed the cup with her magic and used her hoof to press the paper sheet Bon Bon had given her against the right side of her head.

“Uh-huh.” Bon Bon raised an eyebrow. “So we can say we’re dealing with a… Two-Timing Turner.Punch. “Ouch.”


It takes talent to look adorable when you’re terrified. Sure, if you have big eyes and a little pointy horn that can’t do magic yet, and you’re a lil’ chubby but not chubby-chubby, more like not-really-chubby-but-she’s-so-cute-we-need-to-use-that-word-because-it-makes-you-think-about-cute-things chubby, then you have some advantage. Still, Tootsie Flute managed to look desperately lovable while hugging that branch and looking at the ground with the same intensity a normal pony stares at the flank of that particular teacher that you know shouldn’t be hot, but damn son, he’s hotter than lava.

So, yes. Tootsie Flute was an impressive filly, all right. Her mind wasn’t working at full capacity, because hot teachers aren’t exactly healthy things for little foals to think about, but nopony could blame her. The tree was scary.

Thing is, Tootsie Flute wasn’t a stupid filly. Most ponies think that the cuter a pony is, the stupider she is going to act, and when one is in Canterlot—and not talking about Fleur de Lis—chances are that opinion is right. But Tootsie Flute knew how to learn from her mistakes.

So far, she had learned that not every adult is helpful when one needs help with getting kitties down trees. She still needed help from an adult, though, so she had to be careful about who she should ask next time.

Problem is, nopony walked through that street except for very bad adults, or so it seemed.

From up that tree, Tootsie Flute saw another pony crossing that street. A mint green unicorn mare. She made sure not to ask for help. By her side, her kitty just looked at her with confusion. But Tootsie still didn’t ask for help.

Why? Well, there were a bunch of reasons. For starters, the mint green unicorn was holding a cup of coffee with her, and Tootsie Flute had learnt that coffee-cup-holding adults weren’t good at helping little fillies. That mare also had a very scary face—her eyes were colder than ice, she was frowning a little, and she was walking in a very particular way. The kind of way that made one think about murder and warfare. Well, she wasn’t exactly walking, Tootsie Flute thought. It was more of a… craw-limp thing? She was walking like a war veteran crab, that was it. Nopony in her right mind would ask a war veteran crab for help at getting down of a tree, that was for sure.

Oh, and she was covered in blood. That, too.

So, Tootsie Flute chose not to ask that particular mare for help. However, she was sure that, had that unicorn been a little less bloody, she would have given her a chance, if only because Celestia, that tree was very tall.

By her side, the kitty was already getting used to the idea of living in that tree for the rest of its life.


There’s a funny thing about coffee that not a lot of ponies know: its effect is not immediate. Caffeine is a drug that helps you concentrate, that’s true. It also helps you be active and less sleepy. However, it’s effects are usually psychosomatic, at least at first. A cup of coffee takes from thirty minutes to an hour to affect a pony, and it’s pretty weak at the start. It’s also not as good as many think at keeping you awake—an apple is actually better for pulling an all-nighter than three cups of coffee.

Turner knew all of this. It’s hard to have a doctorate and three master degrees without knowing how coffee and sleep-deprivation works. The only pony in Canterlot that had put more all-nighters than him was Octavia, but that was more related to her stamina than anything else. So, at first he wasn’t exactly nervous about the coffee affecting him.

Then again, he wasn’t stupid either—caffeine is a mind-altering drug. Sooner or later, it would affect him. It was just more of a long-term thing. He would worry about it later.

In other words: he was completely sure that the reason why he was trembling so much wasn’t the caffeine.

“Now,” he said when he saw that Vinyl was actually getting up, albeit she was having difficulties, “I’m completely sure that you’ll be able to talk about this like a rational pony.”

“Of course.”

“So you are not going to attack me or anything.”

“That would be so wrong.”

Turner licked his lips. “Because, of course, I didn’t do anything with Octavia. It was, in fact, the opposite. I rejected her!”

Vinyl took a step towards him, grunting. She was frowning a little. “Yes, you did. Even though you flirt with her all the time.”

“I don’t think it actually counts as flirting, as I merely state the obvious,” Turner replied. “Now, being completely objective here, you have absolutely no connections with Octavia, relationship-wise, so you shouldn’t be angry at me.”

“Indeed.”

“And, still keeping the objective view in front of us, the fact that I had absolutely no control of what was happening and the way I reacted, you should be, in fact, thankful and not angry at all.”

“Yes.” Another step.

“And… You’re not being objective here, right?”

“Nah.”

“So you’re mad at me instead of acting like a rational pony?”

“Yep.”

“And you’re going to hit me.”

“Uh-huh.”

Turner sighed. “Figures. At least—”

At least, what? Nopony would ever know, as the providence seemed to smile at Turner for once. The communicator in his ear went on, and Derpy’s voice, sweeter than ever, interrupted his words. “Doc! Can you hear me?”

“Derpy?” Turner looked at Vinyl, who had stopped mid-walk and was just standing there and frowning at him. “Uh, yes. I… I can hear you.”

“Good!” Derpy giggled. “We’re already there, you know? At the mare’s place.”

“Uh.”

Octavia said that you need to hear the whole thing, or else you won’t be distracted!”

He blinked. “Derpy?”

“Yes, Doc?”

“Do you mind repeating that?”

Octavia said that you need to hear the whole thing, or else you won’t be distracted.”

Turner’s left eye twitched. “Y-you’re dropping a couple of hers when you say her name.”

“I’m what?”

Vinyl blinked. “She’s what?”

“She…” he gulped. “Her voice sounds deeper when she says Octavia’s name. She’s dropping a couple hers when… well, what I said.”

Silence.

“Doc, I don’t even know what to say here.”

“That’s bad even for your standards, Turner. It doesn’t even sound like—”

“Cut me some slack, Lyra punched me hard in the face and it’s difficult to make a good pun with that name,” Turner grumbled. “Anyway, um, Derpy? Are you feeling okay? Did...” Turner sighed. “What did Octavia tell you, exactly?”

“Oh, she told me nothing. Right?”

“Yes, we’ve only talked about girly stuff, like finances,” Octavia said. “Now, I’m going to knock at this door, all right?”

Turner frowned. With Derpy being so happy, chances were that Octavia had told her something. However, the pegasus’ reaction wasn’t exactly what Turner had expected from her. Maybe Octavia had told her something else? Or maybe she hadn’t told her the whole story. “Okay?”

“Well then.” Vinyl gave him a weird look when he said this. “You do that. I guess it can be interesting?”

At that particular moment, Turner couldn’t have cared less about the whole cutie mark deal. He was too busy trying to guess what Derpy knew about that night to pay any attention to what happened after Octavia knocked on that door. Vinyl’s situation was exactly the same—she was thinking about what Turner had said, and trying to get some extra information from Octavia’s words.

A shame. If only they had paid an attention—if Vinyl had realized that she had heard that voice an hour ago, or if Turner had got the odd part of the conversation—a lot of stuff wouldn’t have happened. For starters, chances are nopony would have ended up being kidnapped one month later.

Knock, knock, knock.


The mare who opened that door was named Sunny Rays, and she was a yellow pegasus with a pink mane. She didn’t even blink when she saw two unknown mares, one of them with a wall-eyed stare, waiting at the other side of her door. “May I help you?” she asked.

“Yes,” the earth pony answered. “My name is Otavia Philharmonica. I helped you with a musical design not so long ago, remember? Three accidentals…”

“Oh!” Sunny Rays smiled and nodded. “Yes, I remember that! You made my day. I had been struggling against that thing for hours.”

“Yes, Octavia is a wonderful pony,” the gray pegasus said, her voice suddenly dropping at least three octaves.. Sunny Rays flinched a little. “The thing is, we have a little question about that design?”

“Hm?” Sunny Rays frowned. “Question?”

“Yes.” Octavia nodded. “You see, two days after helping you with that design, I saw the same picture in the flank of a little filly. We have a personal interest in cutie marks, you see? And we were wondering… What was that picture for?”

“Well,” Sunny Rays said, “I was designing that filly’s cutie mark. Isn’t that obvious?”

Silence.

The pegasus blinked. “You… You did that? Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, it’s what I do for a living. I work at the Cutie Mark Factory.”

Silence.

“Excuse me?”

Sunny Rays rolled her eyes. “Dear Celestia, nopony ever knows anything about my job.” She turned around and pointed at her flank, where she had the picture of a brush and a palette with a bunch of colors. “Do you think this thing designed itself?”

“Uh…” Octavia licked her lips. “...Yes?”

“How?”

“I don’t know. Magic?”

“Well, there’s magic involved,” Sunny Rays said, “that’s for sure. But mostly, cutie marks are a bureaucracy thing.”

“...Bureaucracy?”

“Look, it’s the government we’re talking about. Lots of paperwork involved,” Sunny Rays rolled her eyes. “In fact, technically, my boss is Celestia herself. Heck, the Cutie Mark Factory is right next to the castle!”

The pegasus shook her head. “Wait a minute. You mean that cutie marks are done by Celestia?”

“What? No!” Sunny Rays sighed. “Look, Celestia founded the factory, but she doesn’t work at it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And… you create cutie marks in there?”

“Yes. A place named ‘Cutie Mark Factory’ is not likely to create bowties, I think.”

“But… Aren’t cutie marks, like, what tells us why we are special?”

“Well, yes. They kind of are.” Sunny Rays frowned. “Look, I don’t really know how this thing works, okay? I just follow orders.”

“But—”

“A foal discovers her talent,” Sunny Rays interrupted, “and the factory gets a note that says, I don’t know. ‘Derpy Hooves has discovered that she really knows how to scuba dive’. Then they call me and tell me that I need to design something about scuba diving. And I draw bubbles.” She crossed her legs. “Then I give my boss the design and he gives it to the foal.”

Silence.

“With, dunno. A spell, I think. Or something like that. I think Celestia is the one who casts it, but I have absolutely no idea. I’m one of the drawing ponies, y’see.”

“What the hell?!” Octavia pointed at her flank. “Are you telling me that some random pony drew this when I realized I was good at the cello?!”

“Yeah.”

“How, in the name of Luna’s mighty gonads, can that be possible?!”

“Hey, it’s not like it’s a secret,” Sunny Rays said. “It’s right there in our Constitution.”

Silence.

“Our Constitution.”

“Yes.”

“It says that the government chooses our fate.”

The pegasus raised an eyebrow. “We have a Constitution?”

“Look, the government doesn’t choose anything. It just gives you a nice picture for your butt,” Sunny Rays said. “Look, it’s simple, okay? We get an announcement when somepony does the right thing, we’re told some kind of talent, then we draw the thing, then we send it to the foal the next time she does the thing. Simple!”

“And it says so in our constitution?”

“Yeah. Page eleven hundred twenty-three. Nopony ever reads the whole thing, I’m afraid.”

Silence.

“You know, Celestia herself wrote it,” Sunny Rays said. She didn’t like how those two mares were looking at her at all. “You can just ask her. Or go to the factory. It’s not like it’s a secret. It says ‘CUTIE MARK FACTORY’ in neon lights, right above the door.”

“That’s…” The pegasus shook her head. “They didn’t teach me this in school!”

“Well, blame your teacher. What the heck do you want me to say here?” Sunny Rays asked. “Anyway, that’s it. Did you want anything else?”

“Uh… Well, not reall—”

“Then, if you excuse me, a filly discovered that she’s exceptionally good at betraying ponies that trust her, so I need to design something to represent that without making her look like the evil monster she is.” She smiled. “If you need to know anything else about my job, be sure to ask! I’m home almost every day!”

And then she closed the door.

If only Vinyl had realized that she had heard Sunny Ray’s voice somewhere else—at the cafeteria, as she had been the mare talking to Bon Bon when the DJ had arrived—or Turner had realized that somehow Sunny Rays knew Derpy’s name without being told, then Octavia and Derpy would have knocked at that door again, or at least they would have done something useful.

Instead, they just stood there, looking at the door with a puzzled face, and then turned around and walked to Turner’s without thinking about Sunny Rays ever again.

Thus, Sunny Rays was free to go back to the main room of her house—which was completely empty except for the single cage with a dove in it that laid in a corner—and write a letter:


The mare at the cafeteria was the one we were looking for, and I’ve made contact with Octavia Philharmonica.

I believe I can locate them all by the end of the day. I’ll send Feathy with more news later.


Then she folded the letter into a tiny scroll, opened the cage, and gave it to Feathy the dove. “Be sure to come back as soon as possible once you’re done,” she said, patting the bird’s head. “I’ll give you a treat if you do that!”

The dove chirped gleefully, Sunny Rays opened a window, and then Feathy was gone.

Once Sunny Rays was left alone, she smiled in a creepy way, like a clown who just realized just how incredibly terrifying he is and can’t wait to test his horribleness with the nearest child that approaches him, and then left the room through the same window Feathy had used.

Neither Octavia nor Derpy ever realized that Sunny Rays was following them.


“...Well,” Octavia said, after turning off the communicator, “that was… interesting.”

Derpy didn’t say a word.

“I mean, I sure wasn’t expecting something like this. The government. Figures.”

“I’m still baffled by the fact that we apparently have a Constitution…”

“Yes, that was also—”

“…You monster.”

“Oh, come on!”


“Hey, Bon Bon!”

“Oh, for Celestia’s sake, not you again.”

“I got lost while going to Turner’s!”

“You’re as brilliant as ever, aren’t you?”

“Yeah!”

“You know, I would say that talking to you is exactly like talking to a rock, but then again, a rock would probably have more interesting answers.”

Silence.

“But rocks can’t talk! Bon, you’re so silly.”

“I hate my life so much.”


Lyra entered the room just in time to see Vinyl moving away from Turner with a puzzled look on her face. “You too?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “You know, Turner, I would say you’re getting pretty lucky with the mares of this gang lately, but then again, we’re talking about Octavia and Vinyl.” Without missing a beat, she walked towards the tied stallion, lifted the cup, and put it against his mouth, forcing him to drink. The room was immediately filled with Turner’s screams of pain. “I doubt that getting them can be seen as ‘luck’.”

“Lyra,” Vinyl said, frowning, “I would rather kiss Bon Bon than Turner.”

“I doubt it.” Lyra smirked at her. “Not even Bon Bon would kiss Bon Bon.”

“Well, yeah. It was a figure of speech.” The DJ sighed and rested her back against the wall. “Anyway, I was just listening through Turner’s communicator. Octavia and Derpy got to the cutie mark mare.”

“Absolutely interesting. Don’t you think, Turner?”

“WHY ARE YOU STILL DOING THISBARBGLABHBGHRLAHGLRBHLRGGG—”

“Mostly because I’m bored.” Lyra pressed the cup a little harder against Turner’s muzzle. His hind legs were shaking like crazy, she noticed.

“Turns out,” Vinyl said, “that cutie marks are made by the government, of all things.”

“Sounds retarded.”

“Because it is retarded.”

“And so another of our amazing adventures ends, and we’re all wiser than when we started it,” Lyra said. Then, she got the cup of coffee away from Turner, as he had drank half of it and spilled the other half on his chest and legs. “Turner, you okay?”

“I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL!” Punch. “ARGH!”

Lyra lowered her hoof. “The only reason why you can still talk is because I want you to look like a fool at the lecture.”

“Anyway, now that the cutie mark crap is over and Octavia can’t hear us,” Vinyl said, frowning, “you need to explain a couple things.”

“I DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN SHIT!”

“You almost fucked Octavia,” Lyra said. “I guess you can talk about that, for example.”

“SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TRIED TO FUCK ME SO I DON’T SEE WHY I NEED TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING!”

“Why are you even screaming?”

“BECAUSE MY FUCKING TONGUE IS ON FIRE!”

Vinyl sighed and massaged her temples. “You know, I’m not exactly in the mood for this foolery, Turner.”

“I THINK I HAVE THIRD-DEGREE-BURNS ON MY MOUTH AND I FEAR I’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TASTE FOOD AGAIN!”

“Yes, but I have real problems.”

“I WILL PEE ON EVERYTHING YOU’VE EVER LOVED!”

“I think we kind of lost it,” Lyra said.

“YES, YOU KIND OF CROSSED A LINE WITH THAT LAST COFFEE!”

“Hey, look at his legs. He’s shaking.”

“Maybe it’s the coffee?”

“NO, IT’S BECAUSE I’M HAPPY! YOU SEE, I’M LIKE A DOG, I JUST WIGGLE MY ENTIRE BODY INSTEAD OF RESTRICTING MYSELF TO THE TAIL!”

“Okay, I have a headache,” Lyra said. “I’m calming him down.”

“How are you…?”

Punch. “OH MY FUCKING—” Punch. “I’M GOING TO—” Punch. “YOU ARE NOT—” Punch. “OH CELESTIA THIS IS SO—” Stab. “AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!” Stab, stab. “I’LL STOP I’LL STOP I’LL STOP SCREAMING JUST—” Stab, Punch “AAAAAaaaaaaaagggggg….”

Silence.

“...Lyra?”

“Yes?”

“I think he’s unconscious.”

“Yes.”

“And there’s a little bit of blood in there.”

“Hmm.”

“And with ‘a little bit’ I mean ‘a huge fucking lot’.”

“To be honest, most of it is mine.”

“How can your horn be so pointy anyway? Mine is pretty round at the tip.”

“Natural selection.”

Silence.

“So… do we need to clean all the blood or…?”

Vinyl was interrupted by the sound of the main door opening. Both her and Lyra stood there, looking at the corridor, until a pony showed up.

Bon Bon.

Who looked at Vinyl (resting her back against the wall, with one black eye and bruises all over her body, her glasses long gone), Lyra (with so much blood on her head that her entire mane looked crimson instead of white and green), and Turner (tied to his seat, unconscious, beaten up, and covered in coffee and blood), and facehoofed.

“Oh my fucking Celestia.”

Lyra frowned at her, wiping some of the blood on her face away. “Hey, shouldn’t you be at work?”

“Carrot Top is covering me.”


Meanwhile, at the cafeteria, Carrot Top was beating the everloving crap out of a stallion who had complained about his coffee just a little tiny bit too much.


“I’m sure she’ll manage.”

“Well, you’re the best fucking mare for the job,” Vinyl said. “We need to wake up Turner so he can tell me about what happened that night with Octavia. And then I might knock him out again.”

“Yes, because I’m going to help you,” Bon Bon said. “That’s literally the reason why I came here. So I can help you with your useless drama and hear all the wopey-dopey crap about your crush because you’re so incredibly mature you totally don’t need to know everything Octavia does. I would call you pathetic, but then again, that would be complementiing you. You’re beyond pathetic. You’ve not just reached the limit, the final frontier of patheticness, you’vee crossed it so hard that scholars will forever study your case, and the words ‘Vinyl Scratch’ will be remembered as a synonym for utter, absolute worthlessness.

“Okay, but buy me a ring first. I’m not an easy girl, Bon.”

I fucking despise you.

Lyra snorted. “Why the hell did you come here, if not to help us with whatever we were doing?”

Silence.

Bon Bon frowned. “...Just help me move him to the fucking bathroom.”


“So are you going to act like this all the time?” Octavia asked, looking at Derpy. The pegasus had the biggest smile ever on her face. “Insulting me and stuff?”

“Well, not in front of Doc, of course,” Derpy said. “You worthless sack of dirt.”

“Come on, you’re not even mad!”

You still deserve punishment.

Octavia rolled her eyes. “Turner rejected me because he knew I wasn’t really interested in him,” she said. “And I don’t think I would have gone all the way through. I know that he’s really important to you.”

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over your hypocrisy.”

“I’m just saying he’s all yours. He’s always been all yours. Stop insulting me.”

No.”

“Oh, Celestia.” Octavia glared at Derpy. “You’re even crazier than I thought.”

And you’re a fucking traitor.

“Douchebag.”

Monster.

“Nutjob.”

Bon Bon.

Lyra!

Silence.

“You know that sex can happen without any kind of ‘deeper connection,’ right? Hell, you and I had an affair and I doubt Turner cares.”

Derpy raised an eyebrow. “I’m not Doc.”

“Yes, sadly. Apparently he’s more mature than you.” Octavia sighed. “Look, I had gone through pretty heavy stuff that day, okay? I needed a little venting, and my experience tells me that breaking a bed while screaming is awesome for venting. So I asked Turner, because I had every right in the world to do so, and because he just happened to be there.”

Silence.

“The thing that I don’t get,” Derpy said, “is why was Turner so scared.of me finding this out. You still haven’t told me the reason for that.”

Octavia sighed. “He’s just too prudish,” she lied, “in his special way. He can’t see sex the same way I do, so he got really embarrassed by my question. I guess he’s just afraid you’ll think he’s a tail-chaser.”

“Aw.” Derpy giggled. “He’s so cute.”

“Yes. Cute. That’s exactly how I would describe Turner. Cute as hell.”

“You sounded a little sarcastic there.”

“Me? Sarcastic? Madness.”


Being unconscious is not exactly bad. For starters, you don’t feel pain. Yes, it’s a little weird, because everything is dark and you feel like you are sleeping even though you aren’t sleeping. Really, the only bad part of being unconscious is waking up.

And boy, waking up when Bon Bon is the one in charge of helping you is even worse.

So Turner returned to the world of the living because his head had been unceremoniously dunked into a bathtub full of insultingly cold water. When the icy feeling, similar to getting a lot of very tiny needles poking your eyeballs, came to him, he woke up instantly, and pulled his head out of the water.

He fell backwards and discovered that he was in his bathroom, surrounded by the three worst mares he had ever met. He screamed, partially because of the shock, partially because of the pain, and partially because of the surprise, and then he stopped and gasped for air because he remembered that one needs oxygen to live.

“You’re welcome,” Bon Bon said, patting him on the back. “But please, continue screaming. It’s the perfect way to answer to me saving your life. My, it’s incredible how—”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE?!”

“She left Carrot Top at the cafeteria,” Lyra said. “We’re sure she’ll manage.”


At the cafeteria, at least twenty ponies laid unconscious on the floor, forming a mountain with their bodies. On the top, an orange mare was standing on her hind legs while looking at the rest of customers with a crazy grin.

I AM YOUR QUEEN NOW! BOW BEFORE ME!


“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!”

“Yet you’re alive, and you’re yelling,” Bon Bon replied. “How wonderful.”

“Turner,” Vinyl said, “we need to talk. About Octav—”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE, VINYL, I DOUBT THIS IS THE MOM—” Lyra gave Turner a look. “Ahem. I-I m-mean: but of c-course. I-it’s my ple-e-eaasure.”

“You’re shivering,” Lyra noted, poking him. “You’re cold?”

“I don’t k-know. M-maybe it h-has to do WITH THE FUCKING BATHTUB F-FILLED WITH ICY WATER Y-YOU BUNCH OF PSYCHOPATHS!”

“Are you seriously going to yell again?”

“N-no. S-sorry.”

“Anyway,” Vinyl said, shaking her head, “you better tell me now what happened that night, and why were you so afraid of Derpy finding out.”

“Oh, Celestia.” Bon Bon looked at Lyra. “This is going to be so fucking interesting. I can’t wait to hear everything. I’m sure I’ll—”

“Shut the hell up.”

“L-look,” Turner said, trying not to bite his tongue, “I-it’s simple. S-she was g-going through some s-shit I don’t know a-about…”

“You don’t know about it?” Vinyl raised an eyebrow. “When did this happen?”

“L-like a w-week ago.”

“Oh. Okay, that makes sense.”

“What happened a week ago?” Lyra asked, looking at Vinyl. “Something bad?”

“She had a very bad day,” Vinyl said. “I can tell you the details later, I guess, if you care about it.”

“Oh, please, do that.” Bon Bon sighed. “I’m—”

“No.”

“I fucking hate you, Lyra.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

“T-the thing is,” Turner continued, “that s-she kissed me, okay? T-that’s it. I p-pushed her a-away, and then w-we just t-talked. End of the n-night.”

“You know,” Vinyl said, “that would make sense, if it wasn’t for the fact that you were absolutely terrified of anypony finding out.”

“YOU T-TRIED TO KILL ME W-WHEN YOU FOUND OUT!”

Silence.

“He has a point,” Lyra said.

“I can see why he didn’t want Derpy to find out either,” Bon said. “I mean, it’s not like that mare is completely obsessed or anything. Oh, no, far from it. She’s the most mentally stable pony that ever walked Equestria. I mean, she only has, how many? Seven different diaries full of drawings of Turner?”

Lyra shook her head. “Nine, actually.”

“Nine? She only showed me seven.”

“The other two are hidden. They are a little more risqué. She’s good at anatomy, I can say that.”

“D-dear Celestia,” Turner said, massaging his temples, “p-please shut up.”

“Well, I guess I get why you hid that from us,” Vinyl said. “I… guess I shouldn’t be angry at you either. You did nothing wrong.”

“P-perfect t-time to discover that!”

“Then again, I still find it hard to believe you said no.” Vinyl sighed. “It’s Octavia we’re talking about.”

“S-so? I don’t want to s-shag her,” Turner replied. “W-what’s hard to b-believe about it?”

Silence.

“N-no, really.”

Silence.

“I’m serious!”

Silence.

“S-STOP LOOKING AT ME L-LIKE THAT!”

“You’re a fucking pervert, Turner,” Vinyl said. “You’ve always been, and you’ll always be.”

“I-I can look at t-the menu, I just d-don’t order.”

“What?”

“I don’t w-want a relationship, okay? Of a-any kind.” He sighed. “P-plus, I don’t w-want to hurt D-derpy.”

“Yes, because you two are so together,” Bon Bon said. “You’re the most perfect couple I’ve ever laid my eyes on.”

“N-no, we a-aren’t.” Turner gulped. “B-but, you know, s-she’s obsessed about me, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Yep.”

“Absolutely.”

“So I d-don’t want to h-hurt her.” He shrugged. “Simple as t-that. I’m n-not interested in her t-that way, but I know that i-if I ever get interested in a-anypony—and that’s a h-huge if—then it’s probably g-going to be D-derpy.”

“Fucking hell,” Lyra said, “you and your mommy issues.”

“A-and of course, I don’t w-want Derpy t-to know that.”

Vinyl sighed. “I can see why.”

“Yeah, Derpy would explode if she heard that last part.”

“A-are you happy now? C-can I go?”

Silence.

“Yeah.”

“Sure.”

“I wanna see you fucking up the lecture.”


When Tootsie Flute arrived home that day, her parents noticed that both her and the kitty looked a little more traumatized than usual. The filly somehow managed to turn that into more adorableness, but the cat just looked exactly like a cat that’s been trapped on a tree for far too long while seeing horrible adults being unhelpful.

Which, incidentally, was what had happened.

However, Tootsie Flute was finally home. Because, in the end, a mare that wasn’t holding a cup of coffee had finally shown up, and when Tootsie asked for help, she was prone to get a ladder from a house nearby and get her and her kitty down.

The mare had been a cream-colored earth pony with a two-colored mane, pink and blue. Her cutie mark were three pieces of candy.

“She was very cool!” she told her parents. “She even bought me a cookie because she said I was in shock!” Tootsie giggled. “She was the nicest pony I’ve ever seen!”


When Derpy and Octavia arrived at Turner’s, they found Bon Bon, Lyra, and Vinyl hanging around the hall, eating Turner’s food. “He’s taking a shower,” they explained when Derpy asked about him. “He has to prepare for the lecture.”

“I thought we didn’t want him to do that?”

“Oh, don’t worry. He’s not calming down anytime soon.”

Derpy and Octavia looked at the bathroom door. Octavia coughed. “May I ask why?”

“Lyra stabbed his leg.”

Silence.

“Repeatedly.”

“For fuck’s sake, girls!” Derpy ran to the door and knocked on it. “Doc! Doc, can you hear me? I’m coming in there!”

No answer.

“Never mind, I’m coming anyway!” She turned around and glared at Lyra before entering. “I thought we wanted him to mess up the lecture, not to physically hurt him!”

“Yes, we did both things,” Vinyl said. “You’re welcome!”

Derpy shot them another murderous glare before opening the bathroom door and entering the room. Once she disappeared, Octavia sighed. “This has been a very bad idea.”

“You told her?” Lyra asked. “About your one-night stand?”

“It wasn’t a one-night stand,” Tavi replied. “Just a kiss. Nothing else.”

“And I’m pretty sure it’s the most intelligent thing you’ve ever done.” Bon Bon snorted and walked towards Octavia. “I’m actually surprised Derpy didn’t kick your flank.”

“You’re assuming she told her,” Vinyl said. “And, by the way, Tavi?” She frowned. “Turner? Really? Of all the ponies in Canterlot, you had to go to Turner?”

“You had a gig that night,” Tavi said, sighing. “Look, I’m not proud of what I did, okay? And I didn’t tell Derpy.”

“Of course you did.”

Octavia glared at Bon Bon.

“Look,” Bon said, “I’m completely sure that the most sensible thing would be to shut the hell up and never tell Derpy.” She raised an eyebrow. “So of course you told her.”

“I hate you so much.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

Silence.

“Wait a minute,” Vinyl said. “Did Derpy just go into the bathroom?”


Derpy freaked out a little when she realized that the bathroom floor had blood on it, and there was so much steam in there that she couldn’t see a thing. But she flapped her wings twice, the steam went away, and she saw that Turner was okay… more or less. He was standing right under the shower, eyes closed, drops of hot water falling all over his body. He had a lot of bruises, but nothing too extreme.

Derpy blushed a little and took a step towards him. “Doc?” she asked, yelling a little so her voice could be heard above the sound of falling water. “Are you okay?”

“Hmm?” He opened his left eye and saw her there, looking at him with a worried expression. “Oh, you’re back?”

“Uh-huh. Did Lyra really stab you?”

“Yes. Apparently, I was yelling.” Turner sighed, and only then did Derpy notice he was shaking a little. “I lost consciousness, and then they got scared. I was trying to relax.”

“You lost consciousness?” Derpy hopped into the bathtub and grabbed a bottle of shampoo. “Here, let me help you with your mane. You’re covered in coffee.”

“Thanks.” Turner took a step aside, and Derpy walked under the running water with him. She got soaked in seconds. “Helping me when I was tied to that fucking chair would have been better, but I guess that shampooing my mane is not bad either.”

“Hey, it’s your fault for doing that stuff with the tracking devices.” Derpy put some shampoo on Turner’s head and started working on it. “Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.”

“You left me alone, with Vinyl, Carrot, and Lyra, while tied to a chair.

“Eh, Carrot was supposed to keep you safe.”

“Yes, she did a great job.”

“Come on, don’t be so grumpy.” She smiled. “I’m sure you’ll nail that lecture.”

“I can’t feel my tongue, Derpy.”

“Eh, you’ll find a way to work around that. By the way, can you believe what we found out about cutie marks? Maybe you can go to the Factory and ask about yours…”


“Holy crap,” Lyra said, pressing her ear against the bathroom door. “Are they seriously showering together?”

“No.” Bon Bon, also trying to hear what was happening at the shower, rolled her eyes. “They are not. They’re having dinner. It’s just that they are doing that in the bathroom.”

“This is so fucked up.”

“So.” At the other side of the room, sitting at their usual places, Octavia and Vinyl were observing Lyra and Bon Bon. “You and Turner.”

“For the last time: nothing happened.” Octavia sighed. “See? This is why I didn’t tell you. I knew you wouldn’t let me live it down.”

“You went after Turner.”

“Oh, Celestia, stop sounding so disappointed.”

“And he rejected you.”

Octavia facehoofed. “Look, I know it wasn’t exactly the peak of my lifetime, okay? I was regretting it not five minutes after—”

“Tavi, that is literally the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard.” Vinyl ran her hooves through her mane. “I mean, seriously? Getting rejected by Turner? I can’t even start to describe what is wrong with that picture!”

“Look, what is done is done.” Tavi raised an eyebrow. “Besides, he rejected me because of Derpy, not because I’m less than him.”

“Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.” Vinyl shook her head. “This is like… Like…”

“Don’t even try,” Bon Bon said, turning to them for a second. “Asking for romance in Time Turner, consciously looking forward to enter a relationship with him, is already pathetic. But when the second most useless piece of crap in the entire universe tells you you’re not good enough for him?” She snorted. “There’s no allegory whatsoever. You can’t compare shit to that.”

“Why the hell are you being so hard on me?!” Octavia crossed her front legs. “I don’t see you telling that to Derpy, and she goes after Turner all the time!”

“We do tell her that,” Lyra said, still pressing her ear against the door. “Bon Bon and I wrote it on her birthday card. Hey, I think they’re talking about us!”

“Fucking beautiful.”

“And speaking of Derpy…” Vinyl looked at Octavia. “Did you tell her?”

“Hm. Part of.” Octavia sighed. “I told her what I did, and how Turner rejected me. I didn’t tell her about the reason why he did so, or what we talked about.”

“You talked about things’”

“Yeah.” Octavia scratched her muzzle. “A lot of things, actually. He was working on the communicator, and he gets surprisingly serious when he does that. We mostly talked about Derpy.”

“Figures.”

“And he refused to tell me what he whispered to her when we rescued Carrot,” she added, absentmindedly. “In fact, he was surprisingly evasive about it.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Bon Bon frowned at her. “Where did that come from?”

“Hm?” Octavia looked back at Bon. “Well, we talked about that night, among other things. So I asked him.”

“About that night…” Vinyl bit her lip. “What did he tell you?”

“I was the one talking.”

“Oh.”

“They’re laughing now,” Lyra said. “Both of them. Like, really loud.”

“Incredibly cute on your part to realize that,” Bon Bon said.

“You know? In the end, I think I kind of envy what those two have,” Octavia said, looking at the door. “Sure, it’s fucked up, but still. Both are lying to each other because they want the other to be happy: Derpy acts like an innocent child, Turner acts as if he didn’t see through her lie… It’s kind of pretty, don’t you think?”

“No.”

“No.”

“It’s too fucked up.”

Silence.

Octavia frowned. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”


Soon, all of them left the house and went to the university, where Turner gave a lecture that would be forever remembered, if only because he started puking and eventually passed out after five minutes.

That day, everypony learned a lesson.

Time Turner discovered that caffeine poisoning is a thing, that he had to be more careful with what he did with his friends, and that Vinyl was exactly as jealous as he had thought.

Derpy learned that Turner was even more of a gentlecolt that she had ever thought, and that she couldn’t really trust Octavia, at least with the important things.

Vinyl learned that, after all, love is complicated and revenge was sweet.

Bon Bon learned that she hated everypony. Not like she didn’t already know this, but it was nice to remember it once in a while.

Lyra (re)learned that stabbing a guy tied to a chair was fun, and that Derpy and Turner showered together now and then and they thought it was normal. They had been doing that for a long time, in fact.

Octavia learned that she wasn’t very good at planning things.

Tootsie Flute learned that judging a book by its cover is perfectly okay when you’re judging ponies that you ask for help.

Carrot Top learned that working at a cafeteria was very fun.

And Sunny Rays learned where Turner’s house was.

Author's Note:

I actually wrote the scene in which Tootsie asks Lyra for help. The results were so gruesome that I had to edit it out.

Also, you thought you were gonna get answers? HAH. This was written as a tie-in between the first story and the "tre" sequel that will come later. I guess you already knew that, though, because my foreshadowing in this story is as subtle as a potato.

Reading this story won't be needed to understand the "true" sequel, though. This was just a divertimento for me -- a character study, you could say. The next story will give you some info about Turner's mommy issues, Derpy and Turner's relationship, why Octavia was feeling so down that day, and... More things, I guess.

Wait. I still didn't explain where was Blueblood during the first story. Fuck.

Comments ( 67 )

This chapter was great! Government sponsored Cutie Mark factories, Carrot Top going all Conan and Khorne on poor customers, and a super cute filly who learned the meaning of profiling.
Jolly Good!

“Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.”

Title drop!

At first I thought the mare asking for coffee in a previous chapter was Fluttershy, I was wrong, now I don't hate Bonbon as much as I did.

I can't wait for the next story. Especially if it's gonna include Berry and Colgate!

Wait... Bon-Bon helped Tootsie? And bought her a cookie?!?

Am I reading that right?!?!?

Comment posted by ididntthinkidlikethis deleted Feb 26th, 2014

Seems like some of our favorite sociopaths might have some hidden depths to them after all.

Bon-Bon's little secret: She is nice with foals

Wow, complete already? Wasn't expecting that.

Tootsie Flute is learning important life lessons. Sometimes, adults are just awful people.

“Yeah. I mean, it’s what I do for a living. I work at the Cutie Marks Factory.”

:rainbowderp:

If only Vinyl had realized that she had heard Sunny Ray’s voice somewhere else—at the cafeteria, as she had been the mare talking to Bon Bon when the DJ had arrived—or Turner had realized that somehow Sunny Rays knew Derpy’s name without being told, then Octavia and Derpy would have knocked at that door again, or at least they would have done something useful.

You know, I thought the name thing was suspicious.

“How can your horn be so pointy anyway? Mine is pretty round at the tip.”
“Natural selection.”

I am 90% certain that she sharpens it.

At the cafeteria, at least twenty ponies laid unconscious on the floor, forming a mountain with their bodies. On the top, an orange mare was standing on her hind legs while looking at the rest of customers with a crazy grin.
“I AM YOUR QUEEN NOW! BOW BEFORE ME!”

And here I thought that I was past all possible surprise regarding what these ponies might get up to.

I'm starting to wonder about when Turner is going to drop dead from the caffeine overdose/stabbing/hypothermia combination.

Ahh, there's the overdose.

I think your sociopath stories inspired me to write my own sociopath story. XD

This was awesome.:pinkiehappy: Hope you write another story from this universe.

Woah woah woah. It's over? I thought it was just starting. Huh.. Anyhow I liked Tavi's "We talked about girly things..... like finances." I'm gonna use that some day :3

I love this series, it makes me laugh so much xP

cant wait for the next one!

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That can't possibly be the real Bon-Bon, it was obviously a changeling impostor.

4002741
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4008107

First rule when you write an asshole: give them a redeeming quality, because nobody is a bad person ALL THE TIME. Even the biggest douchebags are nice to their mothers.

Not like anypony else in this group is nice to foals anyway. As I said, I first wrote Tootsie helping Lyra. And then I deleted it because this is a comedy rated teen.

Lovely story. I have a nagging feeling, however, that my group of friends is being corrupted slightly. One of them was so bored today in chem that he tried to break his finger with his collar bone. Another stabbed me in the wrist after reaching across the table.

And four hour bus trip now. Yippee.

You can’t compare shit to that

Must have been the most hilarious line for me in the story :rainbowlaugh:
That Government Cutie Mark thing.....what the hell?
I totally love this Turner Derpy thing. Whatever they have, it's fucked up but still awesome. Now we all will just wait for the BIG sequel :heart:

“Carrot Top is covering me.”

Oh shit... :rainbowderp:

“Douchebag.”

“Monster.”

“Nutjob.”

“Bon Bon.”

“Lyra!”

:rainbowlaugh:

“The other two are hidden. They are a little more risqué. She’s good at anatomy, I can say that.”

Official: Derpy is creepyrable... :rainbowlaugh:

“She was very cool!” she told her parents. “She even bought me a cookie because she said I was in shock!” Tootsie giggled. “She was the nicest pony I’ve ever seen!”

Go home, Bon Bon, you're drunk... Or she was sarcastically nice.

I am sure Colgate and Berry Punch will want to meet Sunny Rays.

IF you think about it, two ponies showering together is not a big deal. None of them ever wear clothes, except on special occasions. Sure, Time Turner and Octavia wear collars and ties, and Vinyl wears sunglasses but those do not really count. So taking a shower together, should not be that big of a deal. It would be like swimming together... Except, they would actually put clothes on to do that... huh. We have a conundrum.

Here, have a wet Derpy and a wet Time Turner as a reward.

i453.photobucket.com/albums/qq260/spacewings/EmoteDerpyWet_zps033d2371.png

i453.photobucket.com/albums/qq260/spacewings/EmoteDrWhoovesWet_zps3eb37554.png

Wait, Bon Bon was nice to a filly? .....I don't know if I should be terrified or not. :rainbowhuh:

Also I just love these stories. I don't know what it is about friends who HATE each other but are still friends that's funny, but it is. Fuck, I can't wait for the 'true' sequel. :raritywink:

Cutie... Mark... FACTORY?! That part had me laughing more than I should have.. :rainbowlaugh:
the marks just being a government conspiracy makes too much sense NOT to be plausible.. :pinkiecrazy:

And the characters.. I just LOVE Derpy and Doc, and I REALLY hope Doc finaly gets over whatever issues he has and commits more to her so they
can be a real couple... Derpy IS after all one of my favourite ponies, both in the "regular" version (so to speak) and YOUR version.. All I want is for Derpy to be happy.. :derpyderp1:

As for the others.. still violent and overall assholes..

(Side Note - that 1/4L cup of coffee thing... I was a borderline caffeine addict, I used to drink nearly 1L each day during the last of my school years..
So I can, to some extent, relate to Docs reactions when it kicked in for him, I've done similar)

4025301

Yeah I drank one liter of high-caffeinated coffee in two hours before writing this.

At first you don't feel anything. And then you kind of die and can't stop shaking. I cleaned the whole house in less than twenty fucking minutes, and I honestly thought I was going to end up dead.

4028186
I used that sudden burst of energy to get schoolwork done.
I never felt I was dying, but I DID (almost) black-out for a moment (I was very close...)

Comment posted by TargaryenTKE deleted Mar 4th, 2014

Her voice sounds deeper when she says Octavia’s name. She’s dropping a couple hers when… well, what I said

Maybe it's the musician in me (or the audiophile :ajsmug:) but that legitimately hurt to read :pinkiesick:

At the cafeteria, at least twenty ponies laid unconscious on the floor, forming a mountain with their bodies. On the top, an orange mare was standing on her hind legs while looking at the rest of customers with a crazy grin.
“I AM YOUR QUEEN NOW! BOW BEFORE ME!”

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
Okay, that was more than enough to recover from the Hertz/Octave pun. Now,
ALL HAILLLL QUEEN CARROT TOP :yay:

moar plz? :fluttercry:
Also very well done. As usual, I rarely stopped laughing, and that was only because you threw in a good mindfuck every now and then. Can't wait for the next one! :pinkiehappy:





THAT IS ALL!!! :flutterrage:

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(The pun is double.)

(Octave-Octavia, Hertz-her.)

(It's so bad I love it).

Selbi #30 · Mar 9th, 2014 · · 2 ·

Finally done reading.

Maybe it's the fact that I don't find physical torture involving stab wounds, burning coffee, and ice water funny in any way, but this chapter was just 8,000 words of exactly that and it dragged on and on... Like, no offense, dude, but I think this is the most tries-way-too-hard chapter of the entire series. :|

4056254
Kinda have to agree with you on this. This story had funny moments that I liked, but the way they treated Time Turner was just...I can't easily describe it. I get that they are all fucked up in their own ways, I get that several of them are so violent to eachother that by the end of this series I'm going to assume them to mostly be toothless, but from what I've seen of Time Turner's personality in this and the last story; I can't see him wanting to be around them after this. Lyra friggin gored him with her horn, from the sounds of it they may have gotten him fired from his job, and giving him burns that will leave a hell of alot of scar tissue.
His tracking them with sensors is admittedly messed up, but he didn't hurt them physically and if his mental issues cause him to need to keep track of everyone he gives some damn about then it makes sense why he did it. I saw the group liked to rough house and put eachother down from the last story, and there's plenty of funny moments of that in this as well but the way they tortured Time Turner makes it hard for me to think they really view him as a friend and more as someone they can just hurt and will sit there and take it. Maybe they are right but I liked him better when he was acting like the brain of the group, like someone who was smart enough not to be around people that treat him like a piece of shit not because he's there friend, but because they actually think of him as one.
I might be reading too much into this story, but the first one was so awesome and how they acted around eachother was so great that what they do to Time Turner in this just doesn't make sense for me.


4015603

“Yes,” the earth pony answered. “My name is Otavia Philharmonica. I helped you with a musical design not so long ago, remember? Three accidentals…”

4032626

Awesome story, by the way. Kinda makes me wish my friends were like these guys, just so I could unleash my inner horribleness.

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Never ask for friends like the protagonists of this story. Really. They would do nothing but bring misery into your life.

Hell, even Turner (who is shown as the normal and tragic one in this story, or so the comments say) is a fucking asshole that shouldn't be allowed near any other living being. It's just that he is tied to a stupid chair for the vast majority of the fic, so it's hard to tell.

In the first draft of the story, Turner actually poisoned his friends' drinks because he "wanted to be left alone," but that left me with six unconscious ponies and Turner tied to a chair, so I had to change it.

Is it just me or does everybody think that Lyra, Bon-Bon,Carrot Top, Vinyl and Octavia should die a horrible painful death?

Just remember man. He was Yachting. On his private pool-lake. :moustache:

4002396
Come to think of it, Sunny Days looked a lot like Fluttershy, oddly enough. (Yellow pegasus with pink hair).
4015603
Aha, that's neat. I myself had been wondering whether BonBon had helped the child (after all, she has no real reason to be angry at that particular kid yet, and she's usually the most sarcastic and mean when she's either reacting to her friends' crazy antics or to somepony's stupidity), or whether this was part of the plot by Sunny Days to kidnap their whole group and replace them with changelings. It's nice to have some clarification there.
And the way you wrote it was the funnier way.

Luna's dusky nips, there is a sequel. :twilightoops:

Dude I wrote that comment 9 weeks ago, you're a little late to reply.

I don't know how I managed to miss this sequel to Long Story Short, but I'm glad I discovered it. I adore each and every one of these idiot sociopaths, and wouldn't swap them for anything.

I will never drink Coffee without think of this story ever again.

A TREQUIL ASDFGHJKL

These have got to be the worst friends in history, and I mean all of it that has ever been recorded. And with that I have to ask you continue these idiots story as soon as possible, not only do I ask, I begs.

I'm scared! The thought of the true sequel will continuously haunt my nightmares until I finally read it.



Still a better love story that Twilight.

What... what have I read? What have you done?

I can't even see these ponies as the same ones that are usually associated with these names. They are so far out of what the fandom usually depicts them that they are Octavia2, Lyra2, Bon Bon3, Vinyl2, Turner2, Derp2 and sweet Celestia, Carrot Top4 in my mind(because you know what? I have never would never haven't ever thought of her (Carrot Top) like acting like that ever. Like forever. Never ever never ever ever EVER. You just... I-my brain is broken. Just broken).

Ridiculously funny. But by my giddy aunt, I just.... :applejackconfused::rainbowlaugh::rainbowhuh::facehoof:

5302241

Well, that was kind of the point of the story, yes. They have no canon personalities, so why the hell should we write them the exact same way all the time? That's boring.

5302849 yes, but I kind of had different personalities in mind for them ( I also write, and made different views of them). It's not bad, just very jarring until I got used to it. :twilightsmile: Story is really good though, and they are very unique ways to look at the characters.

Words can't describe what I feel right now. I have no idea what this feeling is, but I want to laugh, cry, and throw up at the same time.

Is it bad that I actually ship Octavia/Turner instead of Derpy/Turner? I don't know, but I just see those two as a better couple. Or maybe it's just me and my love of Tavi leaking out. I dunno...

Oh God, FINISH THAT TRUE SEQUEL OR I WILL CUT YOU!

I am of the opinion that this story and 'Long Story Short' should be turned into a fan reading.

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