- Member Since 4th May, 2012
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
Omega Dracomancer
I'm not the best writer, but I can write.
Omega Dracomancer
Joined 4th May, 2012 ·
Offline
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I rather enjoyed reading this, the idea for the story is interesting although not original by any standard and although i am not the best judge of grammer, i can't see any obvious promlems.
The one thing is i don't like is the fact that the charaters immedietly trust that they are who they are or whether they are trust worthy.
I don't know about you but if i happend to run into someone dressed like Celestia who had no idea where they were i definetly woundn't bring them back to my home and they would most likely end up in a mental instutute.
But then again you have to start the story somehome right?
Cautiously optimistic,
~EastonDragon
I've always enjoyed these kind of stories. Keep up the good work! :3
Much potential for this fic.
At least you got the awkward shit out of the way.
I shall fave this fic and thumb it up.
I shall be watching.
Good story. Fast pace and straight to the point, I like that.
Nice.
3627902
What would you do if that woman happened to be right next to a bronycon?
It's an okay story so far kinda wornout storyline but its okay
I'll surely read it later, but take my fav XD
More please :3
please sir, can i have some more?
pretty good my friend
Like and fav
Also by the looks of it I see this 'Phil' character is going to be very special.
3629332
nah he can't possibly be a main character
Awe I hope luna finds her lol
4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q136K_hdGlc/UZ40_XwR5QI/AAAAAAAADdw/q9KcYk3ULNU/s1600/please-sir-can-i-have-some-moar.jpg
*Headdesk* *Headdesk* *Headdesk*
As I said on your other story. MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Either you stick with 3rd person narrative or you stick with 1st person narrative. Don't abruptly switch from one to other in the middle of the goddamned story!
Also:
Beginning your conversation with "You're not real" is a bad idea when talking to someone who is completely confused and disorientated?
this.is.AWESOME.
Has potential. A little fast paced, but not a bad start at all.^_^
You. sir, are a good writer. I'd say great, but there is only one thing about this chapter that irks me, and it prevents the "great".
You are constantly switching the narrator. There are only three ways to write a story: first person narrative (I), second person narrative (You), and third person narrative (He, She, Character Name, etc.). It is possible to mix the narratives, but it's best to let the reader know when the narrative is going to change, who is then telling the story, and when the story is going back the original narrator. Let me show you something:
Right there is an example of unfocused writing. It switches from 3rd person to 1st in a snap with no indication that the narrator has changed from omnipresent to one of the characters in the story. It confuses the reader and very well may get them to stop reading. I compare this with The Princess and I because this is basically the same premise, only with Celestia. That story kept in 1st person all the way through, and it was good. I agree with M-Tails-P; try to make up your mind as to who is telling the story. Is it Phil, Celestia, or the omnipresent narrator? Choose one (both the narrator and 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person) and your story will flow that much better and possibly get you even more readers.
Advice from:
- Editor of Equestria, I Choose You!, Element6147
images.ukcs.net/11858/robot_kitten_approves.jpg
MOAR NOW!
..if u dont mind : )
Wonderful, can't wait to read more!
Amazing work cant wait for moar :3
Yaaaay! Boobies!
3631956
My thoughts exactly.
I don't like how he explained it to her, but otherwise I'm enjoying the story so far.
3632158
My guess is that he immediately trusts her because he's read so many fanfics that this sort of thing has become completely believable.
And he did mention that he's a bit crazy.
I just noticed something BIG this say sex on it. and the writer is in a group called clopfics well... well when I thought this was going to be a slice-of-life when its a clopfic... about the writer... well I'm not shore to like or hate... I guess I'll have to stay tuned... (but I do thing it would make a good slice-of-life but that just me) BUT I love it so far!
Could use some polish, but it's a pretty good start.
3632937
Not a clopfic. Don't worry. It's not rated M for a reason.
3633060 oh I jump to conclusions be because on your the page it said if any one notices this comment you'll make a new colpfic... nothing against clopfics... I like reading them BUT never minded that [Insert Blushing HUMAN here] ... but just keep it up it's a great story [Insert none pony smiley face]
I want more ! :D
Great start to a story--Found it a little confusing when you went from third person omniscient to first person for narratives but that I can understand considering the narrator hadn't shown up before Celestia did.
NIGGA I NEED MOAR!
its quite good old chap!
I like it. Can't wait for more.
Hmm... Some large leaps of faith from both protagonists. In particular:
"She's crazy. Oh, now she's crying. She must not be crazy."
Although the crying may indicate that she believes what she says, it says nothing about whether it is actually true.
i think it's going in a decent direction but the crying scene could have used some work no one really change there mind that fast from that but other than that you're golden my friend
Hehe..... Boobies.....
I liked it!
Good luck in writing more!
Caught in a land slide no escape from reality
NEED MOAR!
Also, the reason this was featured, was because the premise is good a and you have a good writing style
Cute update. Still too fast paced, especially with how fast she seems to be getting along with him. But, other than that, still well done.
3633975
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see,
3634078 A different side of me, because I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell.
3634078
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
3634097 NOOOOO!!!!
You killed it!! We had a song going...
3634105 Now its copyright infringement.
(I'm such a bitch)
3634107 Well, I got ninety-nine problems and a bitch ain't one. Still, you suck, and may Freddie Mercury rest in peace.
3634098
Because I'm easy come, easy go,