Nice finish, and I'm glad it didn't turn into incest like so many Button fics do.

This is the end.

A fic that ends on an exact number?! That's rare :D

*claps*

That was magnificent!

"Afghneighnistan"

img.pandawhale.com/post-30826-Ed-Norton-laptop-close-gif-Hul-Teya.gif

Other than that, I enjoyed this story.

3608007

Same here.

Milano and Button sat facing one another. She was wearing her trademark yellow and blue robe, and exhibiting her usual disregard for neatness and decorum, as she was slouching back in her chair, legs parted lazily, the top part of her robe almost spilling open with her appreciable breasts, though nothing was visible, not that he wished or looked; she wasn’t that slovenly. To Button, this was hardly worthy of comment; his mother worked hard, and it was her business how she chose to unwind. And there he was in nothing but swim trunks. They were family; they could not see each other as sexual objects, just like the tide could not defy the influence of the moon’s gravity. To suggest that their relationship was anything other than that of mother and son, was perverse lunacy.

Careful, Button. Your Author Filibuster's showing.

"He beat Devil Mare Cry 4 before turning in for the night."
i.imgur.com/RUWzZ.gif

Bravo! Looking forward to your new stories.

AWESOME, great ending.

beutiful ending.
Love the end joke.
One must wonder what would happen if they weren't son and mother.

Absolutely beautiful ending, my good sir. I must say, that turned out better than I had expected it would. PLEASE write more stories about Button. They don't have to be related to this story!

3610304

Thank you for reviewing this and not pulling your punches. I admit that ch1 is among some of my shittier work, period. I apologize for it being that bad. All I can say is that I tried to do better as the project went on.

MOM!
XD I literally hit the floor when I saw that.

Good ending and a nice read throughout.

i like this for what it is, and it's one of those few stories that i don't pine for a sequel, it seems to have ended itself quite well.

Though if you change your mind......

wow I really enjoyed reading that its a shame its over but all good things end sometime

enjoyable read, my good man...woman? I don't know but good job my (insert gender here)

Awesome I really enjoyed this piece of work.

Hope you continue writing awesome stuff like this.

Good job.

Frozen

3610584 (notification was never sent to me due to it being a reply on a different chapter. ARGH! FIIIIMFIIIICTIIIIOOOOON!!! )

I'd never pull my punches: How else would authors learn to handle constructive criticism if they never receive it? Besides, you're the last person I'd pull a punch on, being a fellow critic.

3628245

Sehr gut.

>> kalash93 (notification was never sent to me due to it being a reply on a different chapter. ARGH! FIIIIMFIIIICTIIIIOOOOON!!! )

I'd never pull my punches: How else would authors learn to handle constructive criticism if they never receive it? Besides, you're the last person I'd pull a punch on, being a fellow critic.

"I'd never pull my punches: How else would authors learn to handle constructive criticism if they never receive it?"

You don't need a comma for that.

3628309 Semicolon it is! *salutes* (hooray for the soft period!)

I was seriously expecting buttons mom to make a move in this epilogue.

Ah well.

3649634

i1138.photobucket.com/albums/n526/sparrowfliesfree/troll.jpg

3650026
Yes. Yes i am. :P

This story is just plain amazing and well written. Thumbs up and a fave.

You this stories wasn't bad it was well written
And yu what you should write a story of button mash finding sweetie bell that would spice up things more anyways good story √

And with this Story and your nice words you have a new follower.

3490101

Rate leply? Rate leply. Why thank you oh good sir

Love the "You know, you've got what I'm looking for" joke.

Nice Bro of ten

Well, I found this story completely by chance, and I actually didn't realize it was a clop-fic until I was already in too deep for me to turn back. However, despite not being a clopper, I still found this story quite enjoyable.

I wanted to do more than write just another generic clopfic

My friend, I am happy to say that you did just that. From a non-clopper's point of view, this is a great and well-written story. I just have one question. Why did you have them have modern weapons and engines?

He heard the sound of a diesel motor approaching from the cross street ahead of him.

On the running board stood a gunpony decked out in Strichtarn and holding a CZ 25 sub machinegun.

I just don't see the point in having these there. The story wouldn't have been any less without that paragraph. I am very much a fan of not over-telling a story. Leave out some minor details, but make sure that you keep all the major details. You don't want to waste too much time with explaining. Usually, the reader can fill in the rest of the minor details themselves, and it's one thing that I personally quite like to do. Whereas over telling the story just leaves nothing to the imagination, and in the long-run subtracts from the story.

Anyway, this is a good story regardless, and I genuinely enjoyed it.

Well. Had this one in my read later list for quite some time now and I'm happy I finally fead it.
It was a nice story and I liked the part where Button mused over the offer of the mares and refused, because he thought he wasn't ready for such a relationship.
It showed a very mature and intelligent Button. So just what I'd wish for some fics to be.
You may not believe it, but the way he reacted made me all fuzzy and warm inside my heart. I'm still wearing a smile because of it.
You did a great job with this story.
I'd love to see a sequel to this one with some more mature acting Button. If you'd feel like making one ever I'd be very grateful.

Dragon

I died laughing at "MOM!" XD

10/10

You have to write some sort of follow up

... Saying it again, he will marry Sweetie Belle, not Derpy or Cheer, right? Otherwise I will go ballistic. And I am the worlds guide to trash comment when I go ballistic...

4346798

Thanks for all the feedback. You are the reviewer I wish I could be.
I apologize for being overly vivid with how I try to spell out settings. I will work on that for the future.
You are a seriously tough reviewer; there I was thinking that I'd written a halfway decent and popular story.
There are two chapters left, CH5 is the last one with any clop. CH6 has no clop, but I put it in there for a reason.

4347519 Oh, I love epilogues. It's meant to tie together loose ends, any wonton questions, maybe even a teaser for there being more, or it could simply be a way to say "Everything's gonna be JUUUUST FIIIIIIINE!!!" (had to reference that... )

One more thing: If you're responding to a comment, be sure to check the timestamp to see which chapter it's on: If you want the commenter you're responding to, to receive a notification saying they've had their comment responded to, you NEED to respond, on the chapter they've posted their comment, if it's not the most recent chapter of the story.

I mean, otherwise, they don't get any notification. That's just how FIMfiction works.

Alright... CHAPTER LOADED! BATTLE MUSIC LINKED! Let's do this.

... Hey... I'm only tough as a means of helping you to improve by pointing out things that may be inconsistent or out of place so you can acknowledge them and improve, so even more readers can find and enjoy your work. As critics, we sort've have that burden to "lead by example" once someone takes a comment of ours to heart, which is fine and all, but it means we need to seriously step up our game as a means of showing what we expect from others... the quality we expect, needs to be as close as possible to the quality we produce, should we choose to be authors, ourselves.

"Do as I say, not as I do" is a lost art that few choose to remember in this day and age, so in case they DO try to produce works based around our own stories, we need to be ready for 'em... That's all it is.

As for whether this story is something good or something bad... I'll be refraining from casting judgment until the final word has been read.

Is it weird for me to believe that either Vinyl or Cheerilee could be pregnant?

“It means you’re really potent.”

Button was told he was potent and this chapter mentioned that

you’re trusting that the unicorn’s magic skills are good enough to stop pregnancy and diseases.

I mean Vinyl was in heat....

4397348

I see your point. I admittedly did not really know what to do with Derpy at the end. I normally have better editors for my fanfics. However, my best editor, when I asked him about whether or not he would be willing to do clop, replied that he would rather that I not ask him to work on my clopfics. I have honored that. Seeing your comment, are you implying that I should seek out somebody like you before I undertake my next ambitious project?

4397923 I suppose some editors just prefer to work with certain forms of material, I'm certainly no exception to that role, preferring to work almost exclusively on clopfics, or the occasional completed story for Everyone, or for certain authors like ReaperOfSouls42 and CobaltDrake.

But yeah, you should certainly try to ask for a critical editor for your next large project. One thing I'll be bringing up in my main story review is "trouble with the flow of writing", where some statements seem too descriptive, others barely get described at all. Some sentences run on for a long period of time, seeming to repeat the same general concept in the sentence, while many other times in the story, you'll have sentences that are 5-10 words long, consecutively occurring, especially during descriptive scenes, which break the flow massively by making it sound like the narrator keeps describing things with unnecessarily short sentences.

An editor can do wonders to help smooth out the flow so that it's much more natural in how it sounds.

4398144

I don't know any more skilled editors, and I don't have anyone else in employ. Where can I find one?

4398144

Check my last.
4398266

4398266 Well, you ARE a part of groups dedicated to helping struggling authors... why not try a few of those groups in terms of looking for an editor?

Otherwise, erm... it's kinda bad form to just start tossing out names of other editors publically...

4398332

My experience with those groups is that they are generally full of authors who suck (like me) who just want someone to say nice things while making their stories sufficiently bearable to not draw the wrath of riffers and Barata.

4399861 Makes sense, I suppose... lemme at least get to finishing my proofreading & mega-review before I try offering any options, though... though I have no clue who "Barata" is, I'll assume you mean "Baraka" from Mortal Kombat.

Makes the mental image more terrifying.

4399940

This is La Barata, the bane of shitfics and butthurt writers everywhere.

The concluding epilogue… meant to tie loose ends together, or pave the way for the wonderful future ahead.

… Let’s get to work. … Hmm… it seems things are… a bit different than when I viewed this a couple of days ago……….. nah, can’t be.

… “The street lights” – ‘street’ and ‘lights’ should be one word: ‘streetlights’.
… “owing to Ponyville's” – More like ‘owed’ rather than ‘owing’.
… “from the crossstreet” – ‘crossstreet’ should be ‘cross’ and ‘street’.
… “It always comforting” – ‘It’ should be ‘It’s’… In truth, it should be ‘It was’, but that would require a restructuring of the rest of the sentence, so stick to ‘It’s’.
… “a tiny hint of smile” – Place ‘a’ between ‘of’ and ‘smile’.
… “went round the bend” – ‘round’ should be ‘around’.
… “and watching tv.” – ‘tv’ should be capitalized, as ‘TV’.
… “Boom!” -
… “and embedded itself” – As much as I disagree with the metaphor used for surprise in this section, there IS an actual error: ‘embedded’ should be ‘embedding’.
… “Afghneighnistan or” - … Actually, never mind.
… “but what was wrong with a little corruption?” – Again, the narrator should never pose questions. Change this to “but the way he figured, there was nothing wrong with a little corruption.”
… “This were about” – Change ‘This were’ to either ‘Things were’, or ‘This was’.
… “to say I banged your mom?”” – ‘I banged your mom’ should be in quotes, itself.
… “find somepony, mom,”” – When saying ‘mom’ like that, it needs to be capitalized, since it’s a ‘title’: ‘Mom’.
… “deer in the headlights” – Replace each space with a hyphen.
… “PFTHBTCHR!” -
… “I guess,” said he.” – Swap ‘said’ and ‘he’.
… ““Does Vinyl casting a contraceptive spell on me count?”” – Well technically, the whole premise of ‘heat’ in this story, was that they needed ‘a cunt filled with cum’ to fix it… so he couldn’t really use a condom anyways: It’d defeat the purpose my making the means unreachable.
… ““You did, mom.”” – When saying ‘mom’ like that, it needs to be capitalized, since it’s a ‘title’: ‘Mom’.
… “Scratch and Cheerille.”” – ‘Cheerille’ should be ‘Cheerilee’.
… “No, mom. I didn’t.”” – When saying ‘mom’ like that, it needs to be capitalized, since it’s a ‘title’: ‘Mom’.
… “but I’m not fussed.”” – Did you mean ‘fussing’? ‘fussed’ MIGHT work, I actually don’t know in this case.
… “You're not quiet a stallion yet” – ‘quiet’ should be ‘quite’.
… ““Night, mom.”” – When sayi-Okay, I’ve typed it enough: You get what the problem is.

Author’s Notes Errors:

… “genre, It's not” – The comma should be a semicolon, and ‘It’s’ should be in lowercase: ‘it’s’.
… “an action adventure” – Place a hyphen between ‘action’ and ‘adventure’.

With the story completed, I’ll start with the characters. Milano seemed a bit… strangely characterized in this story. Honestly, she seemed pleased that he went out and screwed three mares, and only ever got upset when she learned that he didn’t use condoms (which, as I mentioned in the proofreading section, would’ve defeated the purpose of the Estrus-related angle, considering Cheerilee demanding the mares each get pumped full of his seed…). Yeah, she was semi-drunk, but still, her understanding and judgment of his actions was rather impressive… yet she still seemed a lot like a drunk version of Cheerilee. *shrugs* Button seemed a bit too tense around his mother, despite saying that “he knows her”. He’s so easily rattled by her, despite apparently being aware of her acting the way she does… It’s a little bit off-putting, but I can give it a pass since he had been a virgin prior to this day.

Brings me to the next point, which is the story. For a nice conversation, this wrapped things up very well in the story. Yeah, it was a loose end, and it got tied nice and neatly. I’m glad for how it turned out, though the story being left to the interpretation of the reader is actually a negative in this case, considering just how many options there are: Find a fillyfriend while keeping in touch with Cheerilee (Who he really wanted to be with) and Vinyl, as well as being Derpy’s fuck buddy. Those were basically all the given options, as laid out. No indication of his DESIRE to mature, made this seem less like an open ending and more like it was incomplete on some of the biggest issues.

So now, we have the writing style. As mentioned in an earlier comment, you’d really go back and forth with the descriptions at times. With Derpy, she barely got an intro or ‘sendoff’. Meanwhile, you described, in detail, the moss on a rock-face.

MOSS… ON A ROCK-FACE! This made me so furious, that I’d actually go on Skype and ramble to other authors about it, even making up the “kalash-style of writing”, in parody, as a means of making myself less… steamed. Yes, it’s poor form to just admit that I’d make fun of an author, TO that author, but the way I see it, being honest means not hiding anything, nor holding anything back. The detail you went into for things like the militia-owned truck also seemed like a big slice of filler in this chapter, and they genuinely remove from the story by breaking the natural flow of what might be noticed. “Why mention the gun and gunpony and truck if they have nothing to do with the story?”. Make sure everything has a purpose, as it’s mentioned. Also, I don’t remember if Button, Vinyl, and Cheerilee even put their clothes back on in the previous chapter…

The detail was one thing, but there was also the sentence structuring. It wasn’t too bad here, and when it comes to you providing dialogue, it’s one of your stronger points. But the SEX… it speaks for itself:

Cheerilee looked into Button’s eyes. This was it. They were going to do it. They were about to fuck. The stallion’s penis throbbed energetically. Button stiffened in the slight evening cool.

This was SIX SENTENCES, in TWO LINES. Unacceptable.

It had all built up to this. The stallion and mare intertwined fingers. She sank lower. He readied himself. Male and female met. Two became one. The one exhaled.”

ONE AND A HALF lines, SEVEN SENTENCES!!! The readers get it. Your sentences are way too brief and become unappealing to the eyes, given our inner narrator keeps ending sentences only to start new ones at ridiculously fast paces.

This occurs throughout every chapter, and drives me nuts. Sometimes the descriptions are simply redundant. They shouldn’t be. You need them to be longer. The reader gets invested. You want that. It feels like time, wasted. I mean, as it is.

… SEE WHAT IT’S LIKE?

*sighs*… The last problem I have, is “The Talk”. The Talk from the previous chapter… it showed me how much potential you have to write something engaging, considering how you chose to handle the characters’ personalities during a serious scene in the clopfic. As far as stories go, I wouldn’t dare call this one a “clop story”: It’s a “clopfic”. It’s CLOSE to being something I’d call a ‘story’, but that’s a title I reserve for stories that aren’t generally mediocre.

… “generally”.

…

Seeing your comment, are you implying that I should seek out somebody like you before I undertake my next ambitious project?

Yes, Yes I am… but if you can’t find someone… I’ll make you an offer. DON’T GET A SWELLED EGO, I was impressed with ‘The Talk’ and want to see if you can write something engaging… Something that I can feel comfortable with it being in your library: That other prospective authors and writers will look at after receiving your judgment, and perhaps be inspired to improve their style as a result of your ‘stellar example’.

… So I want to be a part of helping you get to that level. Don’t get me wrong, though: Much as Vinyl offered in the story, I’m not giving you my editing skills, I’m giving you a chance to EARN me as your editor. If you have Skype, send me a PM over FIMfiction including the name I can contact you with.

Don’t make me regret my offer, kalash: We’re critics. This’ll be hell, us working on a story… but maybe some gold can be salvaged from the hell we’ll be in.

... P.S. The story, in my view, isn't good enough to warrant a thumb-up in its current state, let alone a spot among my 'favorites'. Let's see if something can be built that IS good enough... if you're willing.

4400402

Harsh but fair. Fuck, this actually hurt, but it's something that I need to hear if I am ever going to get better. Is there anyone good I can look at to know what you want to see in stories? I am at a loss for what to write next.

4400713 Well, I, myself, don't have nearly as experienced of a palate as other authors might have in terms of the best types of authors, but when it comes to your work, the best means of finding change, just comes with experience in learning what NOT to do. I can list authors, but with a very short limit to the names I'd choose due to how few I KNOW, it wouldn't really help much, especially if I want you to establish your OWN style.

Again: Contact me over FIMfiction's PM-system, maybe we can talk an idea over, get a rough draft to work on together in the process. If y'have a Skype, it'd certainly make the chatting easier!

This was one of the best stories i have read in a good while being that my days start at 5am and dont end till around 11 12 pm.
Other than a few miss spellings it was realy well done. I personly would like to see a follow up story but its up to you as the aouther if you should add to it.