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Legit expected 'Madam Eventide Velour' to be Velvet.
Before I give this a read, I have to ask: Did you make the cover art yourself? There is no link on it, so I can only assume you made it. I wanted to know because it looks very familiar. In fact, I know I've seen it before and it is the reason I clicked on this. I not the biggest Clopfiction reader, but having written one myself, I've learn to appreciate them much more.
Definitely quite hot. The subject matter is quite risque, but you pulled off the awkwardness of a virgin male quite well, and that feeling. That first time feeling....will never be forgotten. It's a good thing. And Shining doesn't even know who the mare is for real. That's the kicker. Excellent job there.
Eyyy... how'd I know this was from you, just from the description.
8163877
My derp- forgot to give a sauce link.
8163884 Derpibooru, huh? Should be easy enough to find, if you want me to go digging around for you.
Edit: Found it in under five minutes, I'll pm its link to you.
8163884 You can't directly link to NSFW on the story itself.
I just put the image number in the description. In this case, 1266424.
8163921 I can link to them via pms legally, correct? I don't really use the private messaging too much, so I didn't check the rules on that.
I look forward towards the next chapter.
8163956 PMs are fine.
8164022 Thank God, I really didn't want to get in trouble for that.
Nice fic, didn't have problems with the grammar, prose or characters, but...is this supposed to be anthro? You keep using 'hand' and 'tits', but also use the nouns mare and stallion pretty often. Do ponies have hands and tits in this universe? And how exactly did ponies develop all of this technology anyways? Plus, if you're writing porn about a unicorn, you're kinda dropping the ball by not throwing in a little bit of sex magic playtime. Little bit confused about some stuff, but the rest does its job.
Why's this marked as Complete if there's going to be at least one more chapter?
Much disappoint, mon ami.
In the author's notes, you mention that you want to continue this fic. Except, the story is marked as complete... I'm a little confused.
Either way, this was really good. Poor Shining Armor is so desperate; it's kinda cute but sad in a way.
Where's the incest?
8164159
I take it you didn't look too close.
So, I gave this a read through, since it was intriguing enough to see what you'd do with it. Here are my thoughts.
On the positives, you presented a very believable persona in still-a-virgin Shining Armor. The anxiety of his hormonal self, balancing his wants vs. trying to avoid trouble, and so on. It's decent characterization. Your physical descriptions are good too, as a baseline. Your pacing was decent also, not feeling too fast or slow at the right points.
Now, as to what could use some polishing: firstly, your execution of the "incest" angle. I think I understand the clue you gave us in the story, but you have that as your sole clue assuming the intention here is in fact that Shining just slept with his mom. Otherwise, we're left with the impression this courtesan mare Shining is meeting is just an unknown OC, rather than what you'd intended. You need to add more to it. Drop more hints, as it were. I won't say how here, for the sake of other readers, but it's something that definitely needs some work.
Second, while I did say your descriptions were good, they still need some beef to them. Particularly describing things like sex and all that. That part, even though I understand Shining's inexperienced, needs some more work. For all the risk he took and the work he did to keep things under the radar, as well as all the tension leading up to it, only to get in a small bit of fondling, and then right to the main course? It's too fast, in my opinion. You should space it out some; this is Shining's first time. He would want to experience some of the things he's seen in those videos he watches, surely? Would he possibly want to do something for her, since she took up his offer/invitation? Walk us through it, let us as a reader be there in the moment with Shining, instead of getting a quick playthrough as it were.
This is constructive criticism that I'm offering late at night, so if I come off as a touch rude or too direct, I apologize. I like the idea you were going for, if anything, it just needs some polish and tune-ups. Happy trails and good writing.
-Steel Quill
8164219 where's the beef
8164405
Thanks, Steel there is more on the way. I have three more chapters planned, and with this one, for the sake of length as well as feel, I chose to make this particular scene be short and more about the feelings involved than a coherent, cinematic experience. As Shining gets more comfortable with sex as well as stops being an overexcited ball of hormones, the scenes will correspondingly reflect that with greater detail and more different actions. I'm pretty sure you've seen some of my other work, so you know I can write with truly pornographic detail.
In the next chapter, I plan on the main sex scene being him trying out new things from porn and finding out not everything feels as good as it looks. He's still a young guy and just glad to have someone to put his dick in, plus he is not in an equal relationship, which makes this sex all about him. I also don't want to put too much into these earlier scenes to avoid taking away from the grand finale.
I wanted to be somewhat subtle at first. Yes, that's his mom, and they're not done yet. I foreshadowed with them looking similar, him having a repressed attraction to his mother, him explicitly going looking for a 'mother' of sorts, them smelling similar, him finding her familiar, and her work phone going off every time he texted her. It's meant to be a bit of a mutual irony that they're both having sex with each other without realizing it.
Thanks for the feedback, Steel. Clopfics like yours inspired me to try stepping up my game to more involved stories like this.
8163875
I know, right? Since the names match perfectly.
Not to be too repititious of 8164405, but...
8164805
How tho? How do they not know?
Look, I can make a leap of faith for the sake of fiction. But even if she took the time to disguise herself, how did she not recognize him instantly!? I don't recall any effort on his part to modify his appearance. But for neither of them to not even realize (hey, they sound just like my mom/son) is just plain gulibility.
Another angle to go with would be for her to have been disguised, and she recognized him, and rolled with it, rather than revealing to her son that she was a whorse. porn logic. whatev.
I get what you were going for, but srsly, if not for the cover art, and the not-so-subtly implied incest in the description, the story itself is way too subtle about it on it's own. Yes, the hints are there with the texting scene. But barely.
8164159
^^^
This is what I'm talking about.
With the way things were going, I was straight-up expecting Velvet to open the door at the hotel.
(BUT I have to emphasis that I was only expecting that because of the art and story description. If I just read the body of the story, I would have walked away without any thought of it being an incest fic.)
But I was expecting just Velvet opening that door, standing face to face with her son. And the awkward realization from each as to the other's purpose in being there... and then sex happens somehow.
But when that didn't happen,
I know I thought that too. And then I was expecting him to encounter him mother later on but then- the story was over. Marked complete.
The story is by no means bad, just... misleading.
In either case, I'm still looking forward to seeing how the continuation plays out.
8164101
media.giphy.com/media/3oriNQD1nswdYvygcU/giphy.gif
You have my attention, keep it up.
When is he going to realize he fucked his mom? How come she doesn't recognize him?
8165169
8165220 I couldn't help but notice this as well. I have some other gripes with the story, because I'm one of those people, but the big problem with the last third is that there's no reason why at least one of them shouldn't recognize the other. I was reading it, and I was waiting for the stinger to happen, the moment at which one would recognize the other, but it never happened. It's all very odd, because we know ahead of time that they're going to fuck and apparently they do in the first chapter but if that description wasn't there then there'd be no indication whatsoever of the escort being Velvet, or that this would be a wincest fic in the first place. Considering the author is so well-versed in clop, the way this fic kinda beats around the bush of the subject matter comes off as weirdly shy in a way.
It's too mysterious about something that had already been given away, and yet for some reason both lead characters are too dense (seriously, there seems to be nothing preventing Velvet from recognizing her son, and Shining should at least get the impression that the escort sounds awfully similar to somepony he knows; he could've brought that up at some point) to realize what the stinger is.
Great start to a hopefully excellent story. The world building especially brings it to life with the three friends discussing the mating habits of their respective tribes, was a great touch.
8165169
Thanks, Shakespearicles. I will revise this chapter when I have time to be more blatant. I will also include far more clues in the next chapter. Thanks for reading and commenting.
8164149
My derp. Fixed.
8164017
It's in production. Should be out by mid next month.
8165220 8165331
They're both operating under assumed identities. I did make a mistake with her initial reaction; I should have indicated more that she's taken off guard, but given that she's then being paid to just cater to the client and not try to make them uncomfortable, her hands are kinda tied. And Shiny is just too much guided by his second head to really add 2 and 2 together. Thanks for reading and commenting. In future chapters, they're going to both come to some unpleasant realizations.
8165394
Thanks, Ascendant. :)
8165186
I hope you can wait a few weeks for more of this. In the meantime, I have an entire library of more than fifty stories just waiting to be read.
8165059
Blame the thesaurus school of pseudonyms. I wanted to provide some clues. it seems like the readers are split between it being too obvious and it being too subtle.
8163881
8163877
Thanks for the help; I couldn't've done this without you. :)
Does this story have an anthro tag?
8165609 Assumed identities?! Dude, they have to recognize each other, there's no mask, nothing that would prevent them from not recognizing each other. Even when he was nailing her ass, he would have seen her cutie marks and have went, "Mom?".
8165679
I guess this just requires suspension of disbelief. It's funny, half my readers are saying it's too obvious and half my readers are saying it's not obvious enough. Perhaps later I'll take this angle of yours and do a story with it.
8165620
Now it does. Thanks for spotting that.
8165764 it's not bad, but it just doesn't support the incest angle.
8165620 It does.
8165784
That's my angle and I'm sticking with it I'm afraid. I'll use later chapters to make it more plausible. You can write your own take if you'd like (which would actually be pretty cool and I'd totally read it)
8165995
Oh good there will be later chapters. Good. This story is hot.
Now we see that Velvet is the escort. The first chapter gave us absolutely no clues. I hope next chapter Shining and Cadence finally get a chance to be together, or if Celestia could lay off all the damn work on her neice.
8335424
Abosutely no clues? I did give a few.
1.
Eventide Velour
Twilight Velvet
Eventide = evening = twilight
Velour = velvet
2. Eventide Velour is described of being a similar age and category as Twilight Velvet.
3. Shiny and his mom use their phones in alternation -- he sends a message, she gets one on her phone, she replies, he gets one on his phone...
4. Eventide's coloration is similar to Velvet's.
5. Velvet leaves prior to Shining's departure for the liason, and only returns later.
6. Character tags. Only those two are tagged.
7. The cover art.
Now, you are right for saying that it wasn't obvious. I wanted it to be a bit of a mystery and reward attentive, sharp readers without being dickish. If a mystery cannot be solved feasibly with the presented information, then it's a bullshit mystery. About half the commentators got it and about half didn't, which means I correctly calibrated.
I made it intentionally more obvious in this chapter to have an end to the honeymoon period and set up the drama in the later sections of the story.
How did you like the waterpark, Cadance segment, blowjob, and sex, BTW?
Shouldn't it be Gleaming?
8335617
I thought the Waterpark and Cadence was a great setting becides that he gets friendzoned. Maybe Velvet should have Cadence come "Babysit" Twilight when Velvet actually has Twilight and Cadence arrives only to see Shining prepare a date for her.
Now THAT☝ would be excellent
The plot thickens but one side is suspsecting what is going on while a third point of view suggested the outcome to the unsuspecting other half...
Cannot wait to see how this goes! More I say.
... What's guililty?
Also, was this an intentional giveaway?
Like, unless I'm not remembering right, Shining never talked about a little sister before, right?
8343531
A typo.
It's up to your interpretation; they have had multiple liasons. Alternatively, if you'd rather think it's some of base person poking up through the glamour, that's fine, too.
8340367
Thanks, Burnasius. More coming in a few weeks. Watch out for other releases of mine; I'm making a blitz this month.
8337920
Glad to hear the waterpark worked. Cadance isn't done in the story quite yet.
But what did you want to happen? I couldn't understand.
Hot!
8344088
Thanks! P.S.: Enjoy the new chapter.
8163875
Take a look at the latest chapter.
8164149
The story continues. :)
8164405
Steel, that was a fantastic comment. Would you mind seeing what I've come up with since then?
8340367
As promised, more has arrived.
8336318
You asked. I've delivered.
8165784
Look again.
You magnificent bastard! That was hotter than the last chapter.