Sand, surf, and sex. A teenage colt goes down to the beach, right in the middle of heat season. Sexy shenanigans ensue. Not foalcon. Not incest. Aged-up.
*salivates* Welp, now I'm really horny. Be glad I'm resisting just bursting into your dorm and screwing you right now. I know you've got a lot of work still to do.
If you have any input or comments, then please make them.
Button is so going to have a smug smile when he gets home.... That shit eating grin that you can spot across the street. "Hey button did you enjoy yourself?" "Hell yeah mom"! xD
Mother of Luna herself I need another friend willing to go with me and my girl friend for a crazy long threesom I want to use the ideas in this cause damn this is good shit make MOAR plz make MOAR why can't I write like this
Great chapter, although, i personally was a bit confused at times with they way the story was written, but that is most likely because it is 11:30 pm and i am very tired.
Good chapter. It started out with some cute dialogue that you have to love, and than it got funny and arousing during the sex scene. Loved this. I did notice a lot of errors with spelling and grammar, but nothing too major. Look forward to chapter four. Also, can we look forward to Button forming a relationship of any kind?
Thanks for the feedback. Sorry about the errors. Yeah, you can look forward to some form of relationship. Just wait for chapter five.
She wanted him – no, she needed him,“Button Mash dot EXE has stopped working.” Both of these are so overused. still a good story
I haven't seen any other instances of ".EXE has stopped working", but I I'd argue that a well-used cliche isn't more than perhaps a venal sin. Thanks for he compliments and feedback.
Truthfully, I really don't know. I was planning on hammering out the finale for this weekend, but fate, and having to spend all four days of my long weekend in South Carolina with my my parents, intervened.
Button is so going to have a smug smile when he gets home.... That shit eating grin that you can spot across the street. "Hey button did you enjoy yourself?" "Hell yeah mom"! xD
That sounds just luzly enough to actually do. I'll credit you if I put that into the finale.
Mother of Luna herself I need another friend willing to go with me and my girl friend for a crazy long threesom I want to use the ideas in this cause damn this is good shit make MOAR plz make MOAR why can't I write like this
I'm pleased that this story is having such an effect on you. Hot Button Beach Day will conclude with the upload of chapter five. In the meantime, help yourself to my other stories.
>> Brother Roga Kalash is both the manliest man and the most adorable at the same time. It's deadly cute. I find it funny. GLaDOS: http://p1.portal2sounds.com/49#p=3
>> High Roller He's actually pretty vanilla. And there's nothing wrong with that. Most people are. I, on the other hand, am like Vinyl. BDSM is my favorite.
Eeeeyyup. I'm just about as vanilla as humanly possible.
Great chapter, although, i personally was a bit confused at times with they way the story was written, but that is most likely because it is 11:30 pm and i am very tired.
Thanks. Maybe it's just you, but it gets exponentially harder to provide a clear image the more character are involved.
That was something else! And after that climax, Derpy's eyes might be straight now! Cant say the same for her sexual preference though...
Oddly enough, this was probably one of the less arousing pieces for me to write. I just don't get off too well to lez for some reason,. Now as for Derpy's sexuality, she's just doing a bit of experimentation. It may or may not mean anything.
If It was me here, and I was asked, "You don't want to get us pregnant do you?" "um *looks at each of the three mares* I really couldn't pick better mares to start a herd with?" *my eyes glaze over* "Button? Button? you there" "um yeah I just had a flash, I saw me at the head of a dinner table, you three was seated around it with a high chair next to you, holding a foal. *Big smile come across my face* "
Y'know, that's actually not too bad of an image. Perhaps this could be worked into a future fic where Button is ready for fatherhood. All you "get them pregnant" guys, you might just get your wish one of these days...
It's strange how straight guys like me get off on F/F sex but not M/M sex. It's hard to explain. Anyway nice chapter!
Thank you. :). I'd like to think that having two women is pornographically economical. Of course, what would I know? I'm just a football playing king in space who write clopfics.
3358541 it has done more then that...wow...I really see you making it big on this site maybe even on others just cause you got the skills in your fingertips. Bravo sir bravo
That joke is played out. I appreciate you pointing that out. Well done, I noticed quite a few grammatical and spelling errors, but nothing major. Great story, can't wait 'til Chapter 5...
Chapter 3 ended with the promise of time with Cheerilee, so let’s see if the time’s well-spent.
… “by their crunch-hiss sound” – Again, the narrator shouldn’t be vocalizing the sounds, solely describing them. The “crunching sound of feet on sand” would work much better. … “without a work.” – ‘work’ should be ‘word’. … “departure. “Hey,”” – This is still Vinyl talking, so why would these be separate paragraphs? … “made that hissing” – ‘that’ should be ‘a’. … “hissing crunching noise” – Place a comma between ‘hissing’ and ‘crunching’. … “off in pale” – Place ‘the’ between ‘in’ and ‘pale’. … “came face to face with Derpy’s tits” – That’s not really ‘face-to-face’… more like ‘face-to-chest’. … “nopony gets hurts” – ‘hurts’ should be ‘hurt’. … “Button. Then she turned” – Change this to “Button, before turning”. … “just given this” – ‘given’ should be ‘gave’. … “flaccid, sticky, penis,” – Remove the second comma. … “to not laugh” – Swap ‘to’ and ‘not’. … “‘you gotta be kidding me.'” – The second apostrophe should be a directional apostrophe (‘’), as opposed to the unidirectional apostrophe it is (''). … “at Canterlot Commumity.” – ‘Commumity’ should be ‘Community’. … ““I never went to college."” – The end-quoation mark should be changed into a direction-specific end-quotation mark. … “that professors are the same” – Wait, Cheerilee’s argument a moment ago was that they were DIFFERENT, not the SAME… Vinyl was the one who said that they both teach, thus that they’re the same… Please be consistent! … “Vinyl smirked. “I bet that he thinks professors aren’t the same” – PLEASE BE CONSISTENT!!! Lemme guess, when I go further into the story, it’s gonna be a case of “Oh, they’re not the same, but Cheerilee’s my favorite, so we need to do everything!” or something, and that’s why it’s messed up on purpose… … “took of care it,” – Swap ‘of’ and ‘care’. … “fashion model slim” – Place a hyphen between ‘model’ and ‘slim’. … “erotically-curved hourglass” – Remove the hyphen. … “scar. She was” – There are two spaces between the period, and ‘She’. Remove one of the spaces. … “Vinyl’s and Cheerilee’s faces” – Consider rephrasing this as “The faces of Vinyl and Cheerilee”. … “They all three asked” – This should either be “They all asked”, or “All three asked”. Dealer’s choice. … “I-I-I- I” – I don’t understand the reason for the space after the third hyphen. … “going over the Derpy’s towel” – ‘the’ should be ‘to’. … “of what was it called? Copulance? Whatever” – The narrator shouldn’t ask questions. Moreover, this seems like it’s more of a thought going through Vinyl’s head rather than one that should be coming from the narrator. Consider rephrasing it to either a thought by Vinyl, or “of something Vinyl could’ve sworn was called ‘copulance’.” … “long, slow, strokes” – Remove the second comma. … “some warm, smooth, compression,” – Remove the comma after ‘smooth’. … “after only or two” – Place ‘one’ between ‘only’ and ‘or’. … “soft, feminine, bodies” – Remove the comma after ‘feminine’. … “Hooray for the Coolidge effect.” – Place apostrophes at the start and end of this, and place it in italics, to show it as a thought rather than something the narrator is saying. As something the narrator would say, it’s out of place. … “scream -- how” – Why are there two hyphens? … “Vinyl’s, steady, dependable” – Remove the comma after ‘Vinyl’s’. … “ministrations brought her” – Place ‘that’ between ‘ministrations’ and ‘brought’. … “even hotter and even wetter as” – Remove both instances of ‘even’: You don’t need either one, and using TWO sounds redundant. … “she couldn’t speak!” – Replace the exclamation mark with a period: The narrator shouldn’t be shouting. … “even as those mares” – ‘those’ sounds strange… Consider replacing it with “the two”. … “to feel orgasm approaching” – Place ‘her’ between ‘feel’ and ‘orgasm’. … “her orgasm smashed her like a blow.” – ‘like a blow’… erm… I’m pretty sure you can think of something better to compare an orgasm to than a “blow”…
… “making her spazz” – ‘spazz’ should be ‘spasm’. … “face. the” – Either capitalize ‘the’, or replace the period with a comma. … “ambiance. And they laid” – Don’t start a sentence with ‘And’, capitalized. Remove ‘And’ entirely. … “together like that in” – Remove ‘like that’. … ““Nevermind,” replied Cheerilee” – ‘Nevermind’ should be ‘Never mind’.
If you have any input or comments, then please make them.
You… DO know the kind of people who’ll read this, right? As in… me?
Okay, time to get with it: The characters seemed to have pretty simple purpose and personalities in this chapter, which I liked a lot. That said, this seemed to just pass over the conversation Button was supposed to have with Vinyl and Cheerilee, which was something I legitimately wanted to see happen, considering how it was basically one of the cliffhangers you ended the previous chapter on. A shame it wasn’t addressed.
Derpy’s still being cute, Vinyl’s still more or less a brat, and Cheerilee’s trying to be a cross between sweet and stubborn. I felt like the conversation between Vinyl and Cheerilee was actually fairly well-executed in this chapter. It seemed out of place for a clopfic, but seeing them in a relationship, this sort of banter actually had pretty good placement, and purpose… eeeven if you messed it up.
Lemme guess, when I go further into the story, it’s gonna be a case of “Oh, they’re not the same, but Cheerilee’s my favorite, so we need to do everything!” or something, and that’s why it’s messed up on purpose…
This actually ended up HAPPENING, which is a shame. The logic behind what they were doing basically wound up as a “I hope the reader doesn’t remember who had what opinion a few paragraphs ago.”, which was really lazy in terms of writing. The dialogue gives way to a bet, the bet gives way to the result. ABC. The problem is, the dialogue didn’t match the bet in terms of what Vinyl and Cheerilee had been debating on. Yes, it can be a case of “It’s just a clopfic, don’t take it seriously!”, but… you’re an established critic… You should be able to see through a mistake as easy as this one was…
… Next, the story: You did pretty well here, with the break between ruttings. It’s generally safe to assume this result, in terms of the mares having some fun while they’re in heat, while Button has time to recuperate. It served its purpose, which I like, I just don’t like how it was utilized… This could’ve easily been rearranged into a situation where Vinyl, kinky as she is, simply offers to please Cheerilee and Derpy, so Cheerilee can be reamed by Button when he gets his strength back. Simple, to-the-point, and in-character, especially with how much she loves Cheerilee. Also, that starting scene involving Button feeling bad when he sees Cheerilee and Vinyl together, actually felt pretty heart-wrenching… I was hoping to see that built upon, but again, it just wasn’t meant to be… A pity.
Last, descriptions of events. I was lost throughout half of the positioning when it came to the mares’ three-way, specifically Derpy and Vinyl. That really forced me to break how immersed I’d been trying to be up until that point, which is a shame since that’s the crux of the story, all things considered. Ugh… This had bad things and good things in it, though one recurring trait you have with your writing style drives me nuts… but it’s in most chapters, so I’ll have to bring it up in the final chapter as a means of wrapping this story’s reviews up.
Regardless, last chapter, I wanted to see Button and Cheerilee… I can only imagine how it goes, NEXT chapter.
*salivates* Welp, now I'm really horny. Be glad I'm resisting just bursting into your dorm and screwing you right now. I know you've got a lot of work still to do.
I know what input you'll make tonight.
LESBIANS FTW.
*D'awwwwwws too much and turns into a potato and rolls off into the sunset*
Wait.
Cheerilee and... VINYL?
I approve.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3309666
GlaDOS approves.
This was very worth the wait
Button is so going to have a smug smile when he gets home.... That shit eating grin that you can spot across the street. "Hey button did you enjoy yourself?" "Hell yeah mom"! xD
Please ffor the love of luna post the next chapter soon.
3309733
Kalash is both the manliest man and the most adorable at the same time. It's deadly cute. I find it funny.
GLaDOS: http://p1.portal2sounds.com/49#p=3
Well this is better than nothing to those who dont like this
...And that is how you write good, original lesbian clop.
3310096 I agree
10 points.
My onlt thoughts were this: BOW CHICA-FUCKIN WOW WOW
Mother of Luna herself I need another friend willing to go with me and my girl friend for a crazy long threesom I want to use the ideas in this cause damn this is good shit make MOAR plz make MOAR why can't I write like this
Fourth Wall status: eradicated.
This should be "their".
There is a word missing.
3311936
Thanks for pointing that out. It has been fixed.
Great chapter, although, i personally was a bit confused at times with they way the story was written, but that is most likely because it is 11:30 pm and i am very tired.
3309639
Little error there...
3312216
Nope, I meant make. As in, he'll make his input by inserting his cock inside me. :P It was a play on his original quote.
3312229
Unless he has a REALLY secret fetish he's never told anyone.
3312280
...You lost me there, mate.
dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun
DUUUUN
3312280
He's actually pretty vanilla. And there's nothing wrong with that. Most people are.
I, on the other hand, am like Vinyl. BDSM is my favorite.
i.imgur.com/cVXk9Cw.jpg
Awesome!
Does disc jockeying or jocking discs or whatever it's called make your fingers nimble? I expect playing the piano might, but I'm not sure about DJing.
That was something else! And after that climax, Derpy's eyes might be straight now! Cant say the same for her sexual preference though...
3312311
static4.fjcdn.com/comments/Somebody+call+the+sWAT+team+someone+just+broke+the+law+_ee96a5b72089d1478b85c02ec7d1451b.jpg
3316883
Lol I don't know.
:P
Some grammar issues here and there, but who the hell cares about that? I very much enjoy what is going on at this beach.
It's strange how straight guys like me get off on F/F sex but not M/M sex. It's hard to explain. Anyway nice chapter!
3228328
*Gasp* Bronystories approves of my clopfic?
i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt146/mortablunt/ICame_zpsa5d6ff0d.png
3235996
Thanks for the feedback. Sorry about the errors. Yeah, you can look forward to some form of relationship. Just wait for chapter five.
3244300
I haven't seen any other instances of ".EXE has stopped working", but I I'd argue that a well-used cliche isn't more than perhaps a venal sin. Thanks for he compliments and feedback.
3245676
Thank you. Hehe, plot...
3249148
Stick around just a while longer. There's still the finale.
3286403
Thanks. I guess one could say that it... sucked you right in. YEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
3298136
Truthfully, I really don't know. I was planning on hammering out the finale for this weekend, but fate, and having to spend all four days of my long weekend in South Carolina with my my parents, intervened.
3300191
Another satisfied reader. :)
3309666
It's the least I could do.
i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt146/mortablunt/c4c5fed4233fc0d6e1c39c9ce015e267_zps86009862.jpg
3309694
You, sir, have excellent taste.
3309767
I'm glad you think so. I really must appologize for taking so damn long.
3309792
That sounds just luzly enough to actually do. I'll credit you if I put that into the finale.
3309819
I'll try. I'll try.
3310096
Thanks, a million, Floy! It was all looked over by Dancer.
3310145
Nice to see you here, my friend.
3310750
IDK about that, video but I am an unabashed troper.
3311335
Now imagine what it was like writing it.
3311542
I'm pleased that this story is having such an effect on you. Hot Button Beach Day will conclude with the upload of chapter five. In the meantime, help yourself to my other stories.
3311619
Last transmission from the fourth wall:
3309825
Oh I wouldn't go that far, but, for their erudtion...
i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt146/mortablunt/ReadyPosition_zpsd1b07e1a.jpg
i606.photobucket.com/albums/tt146/mortablunt/MeSleeping1_zpsa0ab1e09.jpg
3312280
As if I'd spill here that my secret fetish is totally interracial femdom het virgin shotacon prostitution incest.
But I'd never be so depraved.
3312420
Eeeeyyup. I'm just about as vanilla as humanly possible.
3313450
Ura!
3312086
Thanks. Maybe it's just you, but it gets exponentially harder to provide a clear image the more character are involved.
3314831
Oddly enough, this was probably one of the less arousing pieces for me to write. I just don't get off too well to lez for some reason,. Now as for Derpy's sexuality, she's just doing a bit of experimentation. It may or may not mean anything.
3317756
Only in a non-sexual capacity. Or did you type that out in response to somebody walking in?
3323928
I think everyone would very much enjoy the things transpiring on the beach.
3324468
My bad. I should have been more diligent.
3327946
Y'know, that's actually not too bad of an image. Perhaps this could be worked into a future fic where Button is ready for fatherhood. All you "get them pregnant" guys, you might just get your wish one of these days...
3329582
Thank you. :). I'd like to think that having two women is pornographically economical. Of course, what would I know? I'm just a football playing king in space who write clopfics.
3351167
Thankee! It's my first time ever attempting to write lesbian sex.
3358541 it has done more then that...wow...I really see you making it big on this site maybe even on others just cause you got the skills in your fingertips. Bravo sir bravo
That joke is played out. I appreciate you pointing that out. Well done, I noticed quite a few grammatical and spelling errors, but nothing major. Great story, can't wait 'til Chapter 5...
3365668 3300882
Would you kindly not call him that? I appreciate his help in spotting errors I missed.
Wheres Chapter Five?
3420796
It's in production. Whether I like it or not, writing clop is far from my top priority.
3421468
meh
Chapter 3 ended with the promise of time with Cheerilee, so let’s see if the time’s well-spent.
… “by their crunch-hiss sound” – Again, the narrator shouldn’t be vocalizing the sounds, solely describing them. The “crunching sound of feet on sand” would work much better.
… “without a work.” – ‘work’ should be ‘word’.
… “departure.
“Hey,”” – This is still Vinyl talking, so why would these be separate paragraphs?
… “made that hissing” – ‘that’ should be ‘a’.
… “hissing crunching noise” – Place a comma between ‘hissing’ and ‘crunching’.
… “off in pale” – Place ‘the’ between ‘in’ and ‘pale’.
… “came face to face with Derpy’s tits” – That’s not really ‘face-to-face’… more like ‘face-to-chest’.
… “nopony gets hurts” – ‘hurts’ should be ‘hurt’.
… “Button. Then she turned” – Change this to “Button, before turning”.
… “just given this” – ‘given’ should be ‘gave’.
… “flaccid, sticky, penis,” – Remove the second comma.
… “to not laugh” – Swap ‘to’ and ‘not’.
… “‘you gotta be kidding me.'” – The second apostrophe should be a directional apostrophe (‘’), as opposed to the unidirectional apostrophe it is ('').
… “at Canterlot Commumity.” – ‘Commumity’ should be ‘Community’.
… ““I never went to college."” – The end-quoation mark should be changed into a direction-specific end-quotation mark.
… “that professors are the same” – Wait, Cheerilee’s argument a moment ago was that they were DIFFERENT, not the SAME… Vinyl was the one who said that they both teach, thus that they’re the same… Please be consistent!
… “Vinyl smirked. “I bet that he thinks professors aren’t the same” – PLEASE BE CONSISTENT!!! Lemme guess, when I go further into the story, it’s gonna be a case of “Oh, they’re not the same, but Cheerilee’s my favorite, so we need to do everything!” or something, and that’s why it’s messed up on purpose…
… “took of care it,” – Swap ‘of’ and ‘care’.
… “fashion model slim” – Place a hyphen between ‘model’ and ‘slim’.
… “erotically-curved hourglass” – Remove the hyphen.
… “scar. She was” – There are two spaces between the period, and ‘She’. Remove one of the spaces.
… “Vinyl’s and Cheerilee’s faces” – Consider rephrasing this as “The faces of Vinyl and Cheerilee”.
… “They all three asked” – This should either be “They all asked”, or “All three asked”. Dealer’s choice.
… “I-I-I- I” – I don’t understand the reason for the space after the third hyphen.
… “going over the Derpy’s towel” – ‘the’ should be ‘to’.
… “of what was it called? Copulance? Whatever” – The narrator shouldn’t ask questions. Moreover, this seems like it’s more of a thought going through Vinyl’s head rather than one that should be coming from the narrator. Consider rephrasing it to either a thought by Vinyl, or “of something Vinyl could’ve sworn was called ‘copulance’.”
… “long, slow, strokes” – Remove the second comma.
… “some warm, smooth, compression,” – Remove the comma after ‘smooth’.
… “after only or two” – Place ‘one’ between ‘only’ and ‘or’.
… “soft, feminine, bodies” – Remove the comma after ‘feminine’.
… “Hooray for the Coolidge effect.” – Place apostrophes at the start and end of this, and place it in italics, to show it as a thought rather than something the narrator is saying. As something the narrator would say, it’s out of place.
… “scream -- how” – Why are there two hyphens?
… “Vinyl’s, steady, dependable” – Remove the comma after ‘Vinyl’s’.
… “ministrations brought her” – Place ‘that’ between ‘ministrations’ and ‘brought’.
… “even hotter and even wetter as” – Remove both instances of ‘even’: You don’t need either one, and using TWO sounds redundant.
… “she couldn’t speak!” – Replace the exclamation mark with a period: The narrator shouldn’t be shouting.
… “even as those mares” – ‘those’ sounds strange… Consider replacing it with “the two”.
… “to feel orgasm approaching” – Place ‘her’ between ‘feel’ and ‘orgasm’.
… “her orgasm smashed her like a blow.” – ‘like a blow’… erm… I’m pretty sure you can think of something better to compare an orgasm to than a “blow”…
Time out:
… “YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!”
img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130306110059/video-game-championship-wrestling/images/9/94/Daniel_Bryan_YES.gif
Okay, time in!
… “making her spazz” – ‘spazz’ should be ‘spasm’.
… “face. the” – Either capitalize ‘the’, or replace the period with a comma.
… “ambiance. And they laid” – Don’t start a sentence with ‘And’, capitalized. Remove ‘And’ entirely.
… “together like that in” – Remove ‘like that’.
… ““Nevermind,” replied Cheerilee” – ‘Nevermind’ should be ‘Never mind’.
You… DO know the kind of people who’ll read this, right? As in… me?
Okay, time to get with it: The characters seemed to have pretty simple purpose and personalities in this chapter, which I liked a lot. That said, this seemed to just pass over the conversation Button was supposed to have with Vinyl and Cheerilee, which was something I legitimately wanted to see happen, considering how it was basically one of the cliffhangers you ended the previous chapter on. A shame it wasn’t addressed.
Derpy’s still being cute, Vinyl’s still more or less a brat, and Cheerilee’s trying to be a cross between sweet and stubborn. I felt like the conversation between Vinyl and Cheerilee was actually fairly well-executed in this chapter. It seemed out of place for a clopfic, but seeing them in a relationship, this sort of banter actually had pretty good placement, and purpose… eeeven if you messed it up.
This actually ended up HAPPENING, which is a shame. The logic behind what they were doing basically wound up as a “I hope the reader doesn’t remember who had what opinion a few paragraphs ago.”, which was really lazy in terms of writing. The dialogue gives way to a bet, the bet gives way to the result. ABC. The problem is, the dialogue didn’t match the bet in terms of what Vinyl and Cheerilee had been debating on. Yes, it can be a case of “It’s just a clopfic, don’t take it seriously!”, but… you’re an established critic… You should be able to see through a mistake as easy as this one was…
… Next, the story: You did pretty well here, with the break between ruttings. It’s generally safe to assume this result, in terms of the mares having some fun while they’re in heat, while Button has time to recuperate. It served its purpose, which I like, I just don’t like how it was utilized… This could’ve easily been rearranged into a situation where Vinyl, kinky as she is, simply offers to please Cheerilee and Derpy, so Cheerilee can be reamed by Button when he gets his strength back. Simple, to-the-point, and in-character, especially with how much she loves Cheerilee. Also, that starting scene involving Button feeling bad when he sees Cheerilee and Vinyl together, actually felt pretty heart-wrenching… I was hoping to see that built upon, but again, it just wasn’t meant to be… A pity.
Last, descriptions of events. I was lost throughout half of the positioning when it came to the mares’ three-way, specifically Derpy and Vinyl. That really forced me to break how immersed I’d been trying to be up until that point, which is a shame since that’s the crux of the story, all things considered. Ugh… This had bad things and good things in it, though one recurring trait you have with your writing style drives me nuts… but it’s in most chapters, so I’ll have to bring it up in the final chapter as a means of wrapping this story’s reviews up.
Regardless, last chapter, I wanted to see Button and Cheerilee… I can only imagine how it goes, NEXT chapter.