• Member Since 17th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen January 9th

CobaltDrake


"Sometimes the world doesn't need another hero... Sometimes what it needs is a monster." - Count Dracula

Comments ( 63 )

As the chapter implies...

This is HOT.

Nice to see a new story from you.

~Skeeter The Lurker

this guy is "cool beans"

:facehoof: You just haaaaaad to put that SOMEWHERE, didn't you, you demon-child... :twilightangry2:

Well I still get the last laugh!:

... "regarding the fact to try out" - It was actually Spitfire's invitation to try again! :flutterrage:

:rainbowwild:

Addendum:

... "but not imited" - 'imited' should be 'limited'.

Edit 2: This got featured... Just....... Yes. :applecry:

Not sure if I approve of this...

Wow, this was pretty good. I love Lightning Dust, and even though this is a second year at the academy, it's nice to see she was allowed back there.

~SolidFire

Yay! New story FTW:pinkiehappy:

3303719 THE WATCHER! :rainbowderp:

He Watches...

3304149

Well, with my given name... I think that's already a given.

Thanks for noticing though.

Haven't we met a few days back? I remember replying to a comment you made...

3304184 Yep! You also recently opted to follow me. :twilightblush:

Oh, b-but I'm here as the editor. I'm a little surprised CobaltDrake survived my editing sessions. He can attest: They were... terrifying. :twilightoops:

3304194

I can tolerate almost anything!

*does an imagination gesture*

Most of this is a marked improvement over the last fic. Your start to the sex scene was much, much better. And even though Storm Chaser does recover quickly, at least he spent some time fooling around with Lightning Dust before dipping the wick. They were doing quite well together.

I can't fathom why she would attempt anal, though, without any sort of lubrication. She was doing well until then and while a little tail-play and spanking might not be out of character for her at all, why on earth would she subject him to that level of discomfort as well as herself?

ShimmeringStallion: It looks like you're a good editor for him. You caught almost everything. Keep working with each other, if you can, because this continued level of improvement is going to lead to much better fics.

3304412 I strive to find those authors who seek to improve not just for their sake, not only for the sake of others... but because they are humble to the point of knowing that they can always strive to improve.

Cobalt was an absolute blast to work with, even if we hit several rough patches throughout the story. The reason behind Dust being as antagonizing as she was, was because she wanted him to stop holding back and to really push her as hard as he could. To her, it was a means of testing her 'limits'.

To keep this as related to Lightning Dust as possible, we had her strive to keep going to that next level: To push herself often. We liked her being sort of sarcastic and teasing, but it started sounding a lot like Rainbow Dash, so we gave her more of the mindset to want to push herself "in the moment" as a means of differentiating the two. :eeyup:

Also, two bronies writing the entire thing in a FEMALE POV: Oh that was dreadful at times. :rainbowlaugh: But this was an awesome experience! Double-spaces, typos, end-spaces, and basic edits turned into making massive shifts in the story.

I loved working on this, and eagerly hope to work with Cobalt again, soon. :twilightsmile:

I hope this made up for my absence everypony, and that, in your opinion, it was better than the previous story. :pinkiesad2:

3304412
Thanks for the compliment. Yeah ShimmeringStallion was pretty brutal in his editing but that is the exact thing I need, and as you can see this story turned out pretty well (at least I think it did). Also I don't think I ever properly thanked you for helping with "Rainbow Dash's Request", for that, and the fact that you have taken some interest in me, makes me grateful. :scootangel:

3302807 3302792
Thanks! :twilightsmile: You were some of my first followers, so your opinion means a lot, and thanks for sticking with me. :pinkiehappy:

I'm glad he was brutal. Obviously, I wasn't brutal enough! :P This looks better. And your next one will show more improvement.

3305765 Brutal = Taking a 5k-word story, and making it 8k words with the editing process.

And that's just the BASIC definition, my editing brother! :rainbowlaugh:

ShimmeringStallion:

5k. You amateurs :P Come around to another fandom like Whedonverse or Harry Potter, where we have Big Bangs of 10 - 20 thousand.

3305861

>Harry Potter

An hero please.

Who is this Storm Chaser?

3306565
He is an OC of mine.

3306843 You seem to use him in a lot of your stories.

3305861 You forgot to make this a response to my comment. :twilightblush:

3306993

I don't think it would have affected the sudden votebomb. :P

3307007 I take a nap, wake up, see your comment votebombed and just go "What the heck did I MISS!?" :raritydespair:

3307020

Maybe they thought I was disparaging your efforts! And missed the earlier comments where I commended you for your work. *cackles*

>Anthro
>Mature
>Sex

mbisonyesyes.jpeg

It appears that you have a thing for shipping your OC with everything in MLP FIM that has a uterus.

You're alright in my book.

3307800
Main reason? All male characters from the canon show don't deserve these mares. So I make my own stallions and humans.

3307818 Not even Big Mac? :fluttercry: :eeyup:

3307800 I have to agree with that.

Drake, you are a god. A fucking god, understand?
i want Fire to be in one of your stories ._.

3307859
Big Mac is a good stallion and character, however there isn't much known about him. Except for the fact that he is the strong silent type, that gives advice and wisdom beyond his years. Out of my personal opinion Bic Mac doesn't strike me as a stallion who would actively pursue any mare, just be content to work all day. :eeyup:

In truth I don't really like any of the male characters in the canon show. Out of them all, Braeburn is the one I can stand the most, next to Discord of course. They're the only ones with some character depth. So take it how you will. :pinkiehappy:

3307904 Well, if Fire's on one of his stories... She's gonna have to learn...

:coolphoto:

How to weather the STORM!

...

Okay, not really, but that would've been awesome if it was true. :raritystarry:

3307911

that gives advice and wisdom beyond his years.

He's never ever done this.

3308032 Canon Fire is a slut, so I can see it working :P

Well done! I'll write up a review some time in the next few days.

Is Storm Chaser cheating on Twilight in this fic? Or is this a separate Storm Chaser?

3310301
Same Character different universe. There is no relation between that story and this one. Raspberries and a Book was a spur of the moment creation with little to no story line value.:eeyup:

3310185
I await your review with gusto! :rainbowdetermined2:

3311530

Calm down, Shimmering. You are reacting as if you have seen some sort of deity.

3311950 I didn't, I just... kinda saw my life flash before my eyes... a little...

... and there was NOTHING THEEERE! :raritydespair:

3311950
ShimmeringStallion is just afraid of you is all. :ajsmug:

Like I said, I look forward to your review, and to the end of your story "Hot Button Beach Day". Great Idea btw about adding the lesbian clop scene so Button could his strength back. :twilightsmile:

3312996

I'm about to get started on the review. Time is tight, so it's going to be shorter than my usual offerings.
Aww, shucks, I'm not that scary, guys,
Thanks for the compliment about the lesbian clop. I put that in there because I realized that it made the more sense from a story standpoint, it allowed me to get the full use of having three mares, and it would create some breathing room for readers. It wasn't really planned for that to happen, but that's what felt like the best thing to do at the time. Really, though, I'm thrilled that it worked out so well, definitely thanks to bothering to do the research beforehand and then sending it in to someone who could actually speak from experience.
I'll do my best to give Hot Button Beach Day a good finale, and hopefully it won't take the better part of a month.

3314292 Indeed, you'd asked me to proofread & review it, and I'm eager to give it the attention it deserves. :twilightsmile:

... Assuming I survive a kalash review of Cobalt's story. :twilightoops:

Spoiler Alert: I have as much of a chance surviving this as Sean Bean does of surviving a role in a movie he's in. :raritydespair:

Here is your review. It's shorter than usual, but I'm currently strapped for time.

Here are a few examples where you needed to add a comma for the direct address.

Yes Storm Chaser

Edit to: Yes, Storm Chaser.

Hey Captain

Edit to: Hey, Captain.

"Yes Ma'am!”

Edit to: "Yes, ma'am!"

Thank you sir

Edit to: "Thank you, sir"

That makes sense Lightning Dust, just

Edit to: That makes sense, Lighning Dust. Just
You, author, need commas for your direct addresses. Also, with sir and ma'am, you only capitalize them if you are using them to begin sentences, using them as titles, or as names. The way you are using them as forms of address means that you do not need to capitalize them.
Capitalize: "Ma'am, I will not fail."
Capitalize: "The parliament is presided over by Sir Blueblood."
Capitalize: "Don't call me Ma'am; I work for a living."
Do not capitalize: "I understand, sir."

You need to review the rules for using commas with conjunctions and with participles.

Your story could use another proofreading. Some of your diction is just plain odd. Here are a few examples.

shame at being naked and arousal

Edit to: shame at being naked and aroused.

He gasped at the sensation of her lips on his ear, savoring the feeling of her breath moving down to his neck, he turned quickly and captured her lips in a rough, dominating kiss.

Edit to: He gasped at the sensation of her lips on his ear, savoring the feeling of her breath moving down to his neck. He turned quickly and captured her lips in a rough, dominating, kiss.

inch of him that she could, caused him to involuntary

Edit to: inch of him she could, she caused him to involuntarily

moistened outer-lips

Edit to: moistened outer lips.

Besides, something between us right now would just slow us down, and in our profession that can ruin us.

Edit to: Besides, something between us right now would just slow us down, and in our profession, that can ruin us.

The anal seemed to be too rough with insufficient lubrication. However, I've never done anal, so I really can't say. I'm letting it slide under artistic license for sexiness.

One again, the sex is pretty damn hot. You have an interesting style that combines some of the more minimalistic approaches for how the positions are described, while simultaneously being very explicit regarding the actions and the organs. I don't have any complaints about the sex or the setup. I definitely appreciated the buildup, but come one, is Storm Chaser really that thick? The only way a guy is that thick is if he's a virgin and has never had a girl physically come onto him before. I give you props for writing the story from the point of view of the female. This is something I see too little of and I rather like it when something is done to shake up what is otherwise vanilla sex, not that I have a problem with plain vanilla. Also, additional props on the sex not leading to a relationship or a sudden romantic attraction.

The dialogue and characters are the downfall of this story. You really do have a lot to stand for in creating characters who are engaging and dialogue that is entertaining. The parts of the story that are not sex feel a lot like filler. The characters are hardly engaging. The dialogue is serviceable and nothing else. Again, you manage to pretty much write up the clopfic equivalent of a porno scene.

Your writing style can do way too much telling and go off into asides about what other characters think, or about how a character certainly is not a virgin. You restate the obvious excessively when it comes to how horny the characters are. Do more showing instead of telling. Imply things with body language and choreography, or put things in dialogue instead of having the narrator state everything. You could have easily cut a large volume of words which did nothing but take up space, which would make the narrative tighter and more engaging, while also getting the audience to the good stuff even more quickly.

You did a good job of writing a clopfic. The story and characters are passable, but the sex is hot and presented in a slightly unorthodox way.
You win 7/10 flutteryays, which is noticeably better than average, but not great.
:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch:

3314496 We'd struggled to keep it in the female POV, and between 2 bronies, that was rather arduous of an ordeal, but paid off well by completing it in that manner.

I... really can't justify the lack of several commas as an editor & proofreader. I strived to help improve the story as best as I could to the point of making it the best possible story as could be produced...

... but a 7/10?... Ouch...

It goes to show how little I'd helped, in the long run. For that, I apologize. For a oneshot, the plot had the base of a 'rumor' going for it, in lieu of a romance which wouldn't work by the end (where she tries to justify what they had as minimalistic in nature).

That, we attempted to justify, but I can't justify that score with excuses or relaying points of contention. All I can do, is apologize for my edits producing a... "better than average" product. And trust me, it takes a lot for me not to downgrade my editing to "mediocre". :ajsleepy:

All I can say, and all I can do, is say that I'm sorry. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't be this serious, but you're better at reviewing then I am. I know your words aren't hollow.

It makes me feel ill, what errors a full review would've produced... :pinkiesick:

3314496
Brutal.:ajsleepy:

Honestly wasn't expecting that, and I know Shimmering took it pretty hard as well.

The dialogue and characters are the downfall of this story. You really do have a lot to stand for in creating characters who are engaging and dialogue that is entertaining. The parts of the story that are not sex feel a lot like filler. The characters are hardly engaging. The dialogue is serviceable and nothing else. Again, you manage to pretty much write up the clopfic equivalent of a porno scene.

Unfortunately you are correct, I really have no valid excuse for something like this. Dialogue was never really a strong point of mine, as I'm sure my other stories could prove...:twilightsheepish:

Your writing style can do way too much telling and go off into asides about what other characters think, or about how a character certainly is not a virgin. You restate the obvious excessively when it comes to how horny the characters are. Do more showing instead of telling. Imply things with body language and choreography, or put things in dialogue instead of having the narrator state everything. You could have easily cut a large volume of words which did nothing but take up space, which would make the narrative tighter and more engaging, while also getting the audience to the good stuff even more quickly.

I will have to work on this particular problem you've pointed out. I have never received a complaint about this and I hope I can make it better in the long run. I tend to think in a more narrative perspective and that reflects in my writing, thus the issue with the dialogue.:ajsleepy:

As for your comment on the sex itself, I appreciate all the praise. If what you said in my early stories is anything to go by, I have improved somewhat. I wanted to try something new and an anal scene was the idea. It was difficult to write (especially from a female POV) but I had hoped I pulled it off well.

You did a good job of writing a clopfic. The story and characters are passable, but the sex is hot and presented in a slightly unorthodox way.
You win 7/10 flutteryays, which is noticeably better than average, but not great.
:yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::yay::fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch::fluttershyouch:

Your overall score was the final nail in the coffin though. When I went back and looked at the reviews you gave me for my first two stories, I was crushed. It would seem that improvement in my writing as well as my ability to create engaging characters/dialogue has not increased in the slightest. It is quite devastating to know that after so long nothing has truly changed. I appreciate the review, Celestia knows I needed a good put down after my high about it making the featured list. My poor editor took it all to heart I;m afraid, and I really do hope he will be okay. I will pull through as I always have, and (again) strive to improve. It was like taking a bullet to the shoulder, it hurt but in the end you chose whether it will make or break you.
- CobaltDrake

Agite, fratres. my review was far from damning. I don't think that either of you have seen me being angry, let alone harsh. When I shred a story, you can be sure that it really deserved it. You took the review a lot harder than I intended.

3314713 For Cobalt

The female POV seem done well enough for me to give it a pass. I am glad that you are trying new things.
Dialogue is not one of your strengths, which is exactly why I had to call attention to it. While I don't normally dock points just for an aspect of a story being meh, it certainly does not earn points. You need to work on characterization and dialogue. If you could have engaging characters and interesting interactions, there is no reason why you should not be able to put out truly memorable fics. I want you to do something for me. For ten minutes each day for two weeks, write out dialogue between two characters. Next, read the dialogue aloud. Ask yourself if the words sound like things people would actually say. Ask yourself if a stranger could differentiate the two different characters based solely on their dialogue. Then, send it to Shimmering and have him do the same things and give you feedback.
You don't write enough to get the sort of practice needed to significantly improve as an author. Your progress is going to be slow and steady because that is the rate at which you produce content.
While the review hit you hard, you have the right attitude needed to come back better than ever.

3314581 For Shimmering

Don't get so down on yourself. I'm not a brilliant editor myself, and you only have limited input in the process. A little bit more diligence would be welcome in technical proofreading, but stopping every single error is unrealistic. My own releases always have rough spots and errors in them, sometimes pretty big ones. You seem to be a fine editor who puts honest effort into his job. I respect you and your work. A full review would have been much more constructive and optimistic. Unfortunately, when I have limited time and space, I tend to focus on the negative because that needs to be called attention to first. I would have given suggestions for how to improve as well as given you more praise for the overall good product you created.

For both of you

Don't despair. Keep on writing and uploading. You work as a team, meaning that both of you are responsible for what goes into the final product. Support each other and keep on practicing. That is how you will get better. I have faith that the two of you can pull of something spectacular.

Good day, gentlemen.

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