• Member Since 4th May, 2013
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On the Sliding Scale Of Idealism Vs. Cynicism, I like to think of myself as being idyllically cynical. (Patreon page.)



Humans. Over the last few years, they've been appearing in Equestria. Virtually all of them believe they're the first ones to make it there. And they try to move in, take over, and worse. Sometimes much worse. Even the peaceful ones can do damage by accident and there's no way to tell what could happen long-term. Equestria is for ponies and has to stay that way -- and so the Princesses have created the Canterlot Deportation Agency. The CDA exists to send humans back where they came from. Every time. As peacefully as possible, with a minimum of injuries -- unless things go wrong. And things do go wrong.

(Cover art courtesy of GroaningGreyAgony and http://www.says-it.com/badge/)

Has a TVTropes page and character sheet. New edits welcome.

Now with author Patreon page.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 108 )

Oooh, I love this idea, so much that I wrote a story about it myself a while back. Will definitely read at some point.

Estee #3 · Jun 22nd, 2013 · · 1 ·


*nods* I was afraid of that. It felt like an idea someone had to have chased down before I ever got to it. I'm not surprised and there's no way I could be offended. As the saying goes, since all writers dip into the same river, there are times when they'll wind up with near-identical bucketfuls.

Off to read yours.

ETA post-reading: We had the same basic idea, but approached it from different directions. I did like the way yours came out.


This is the first time that I have heard of this concept.
It interests me.
I wish for more.

Skywriter sent me here. I'll have to thank him for that. I enjoyed this fic quite a lot, and I really liked the ending. I started hoping, somewhere in the middle of the story, that there were humans out there who would be willing to help. And there were. That was satisfying.

I, too, found this via Skywriter. Excellent story, with a nice mix of comedy, darkness, and general thoughtfulness. The ending was indeed very satisfying.

A very interesting concept indeed. Most interesting.
I would definitely read more of this, if there was more.

Also here via Skywriter.

That was really damn interesting.

I really enjoyed that. I chuckled at the fat would-be conquer in the intro, but worried the rest would end up being nothing but cynical or bitter. As such, I was very pleased when that was not the case. You did an excellent job balancing the practical and hopeful with the needed cynicism. The ending was the perfect note to go out on too.

and now i super curious about the 6 code incursions :pinkiesad2:.

thanks for the excellent read. and good O.C.'s. i almost thought it was Faust at the end.

...I think I'm in love. HiE-backlash plus top-notch writing plus sly digs at fanon plus strong characterization and just a dash of Protectors of the Plot Continuum.


Please tell me Pinkie's a part-time agent, or at least considered a known asset.

Fascinating. I may have to work with this... though I do have an established Equestria with a rather looser border policy and an organization that has a great deal more on its plate. Things like making sure that time flows at a constant rate in a constant direction, and that space remains fairly Cartesian.
Of course, I also do a lot of work with planeswalkers, which are just another kind of incursion, after all...

Suffice to say, you definitely have my interest. I may have to take a hand in whatever this story leads to.

LOL well done. One of the most unique ideas I've read in a while.


Nice counter to the disturbing Conversion Bureau stories.

an excellent idea, but after this i would hope that your story evolves an actual plot. the first chapter was good as an introduction but if you keep going id put some effort into describing your characters appearances a bit more.

This looks good but how dark/messy does it get?:unsuresweetie:
I ask because there was a ponified version of COPS that had a case in which Derpy was killed and one in which Fluttershy was raped, so these novel concepts can go places I do not want to.:applecry:

I remember that one. The author had the killer hanged and never said just who did the raping as well. Extra disturbing on top of what was already disturbing.

Nice work. And yes, I appreciate the irony of my own HiE fic, a self insert in fact, being popular. I can take a joke when the joke is so well written.

I love this fic.

Also, is the woman at the end supposed to be a generic human or a reference? My first thought was Lauren Faust. My second thought was Carmen Sandiego for some reason.

Interesting story idea, but i don't like the concept sorry I tend to frown upon this type of human-equine relation but this one is better than most.

Still this would probably be the dumbest thing Celestia could do in trying to deal with humans appearing in Equestria

Pretty awesome concept you got there.

It would be awesome if someone got a couple (or more) authors together for this.

Not bad. A very old concept, but with a new take. Some of the grammar structures were a bit difficult to read, but I don't have the energy for a detailed explanation right now.

Thumbs down. And two middle fingers raised.

The last thing the internet ever needed was yet another "because you suck" hatefic.

Much win to be had here. Interesting characters, solid writing, a harsh, noir-ish feel and an intriguing mix of humor and futility/despair. Looking forward to more.

CDA is one of the biggest Dutch political parties :rainbowlaugh:

Jan Peter gaat dit niet leuk vinden...

Darn it! I had a similar idea like this a few months back. Well, with the exception of humans aiding the ponies to deport other humans/creatures back to their original worlds.

Oh well, like they say: you snooze, you lose.

*looks at story front page*

Oh dear.

(Sure, let's use 'dear'.)

Okay, the writer is about to speak. On the count of three, everyone take a nap.

I've spent most of the day in a light insomnia-boosted stun. What I thought would happen with this story is that it would go up, get about eighty or so page views in the first twenty-four hours before effectively vanishing forever, I'd get blasted into the nearest Diamond Dog warren by anyone who thought this was a direct attack on the entire HiE genre, there was a chance to maybe pick up one new reader on Triptych if I was lucky, and I'd then desperately hope for some sleep followed by probably not getting any. In other words, about my usual result.

And then along came Skywriter. (Who I do not blame in any way, or in fact at all, and am thankful towards. See the most recent blog entry for the rest of that if you like: those thoughts ran long.) Which means I now have some explaining to do. So...




This wasn't meant as a hatefic (new word on me, but I'm pretty sure I can work it out) or backlash against HiE stories. Or at least, a backlash against the entire subgenre of HiE stories. Bad ones, maybe, especially since I was shown a little composition called King Of Equestria shortly before I started formal writing on this. But to be honest, I'd had the idea before that -- and part of it was just based in what one line says: rabbits in Australia. It was the concept that humans could do serious damage to Equestria without meaning to, even for the most helpful and land-loving ones. The continent's ecology is almost a moment-by-moment act of pony will: how delicate is that state? Also that some were not going to be friendly -- or worse. Others were going to exploit. And it could go downhill from there. I built the general idea from that point: it's all too easy to hurt regardless of intent. In that situation, the Princesses' first priority might just be keeping their people safe -- and so on down the line until I hit the Submit button.

I did recognize that this had a good chance of being seen as a direct attack and was prepared for that. To me, at least, it isn't. (If anyone's about to invoke Death Of The Author, please keep it figurative?) I like some HiE stories (without having gotten to explore a ton of them: I'm still pretty new around here) -- which is to say I don't like or hate every story in a given subgenre just because it's within that category. What I typically want is well-written -- period. There are well-written HiE stories and therefore I'll probably like them. So if people were offended -- and why am I saying 'if?' -- so it goes. In that sense, I hurt others regardless of intent.

(Oh. Irony.)



As hopefully visible in the Author's Notes, I did think about the possibility of making a new Group and throwing this open to the FIMFic populace. We'll see how it goes. For now, the doors to the CDA are shut -- but every person who asks gets them that much closer to opening. Still, some more definitions of agency operation, tactics, and methodology probably have to be added first at the absolute minimum. Which means having the time for doing so -- and see below.



I currently do want to return to the CDA at some point, but for now, Triptych (the megalith on the right which just barely reached 300 and some of those have to be late edits) is the main project and takes most of my writing time. Future tales will be intermittent -- at best -- for a while.



Fun idea, but no: not Ms. Faust.


Totally not where I was going with that: I have yet to read my first Bureau story.



If/when I come back to this, I intend to keep things around the level of the Teen rating.


Thankee. I appreciate the perspective and The Author Being Left Sort Of Intact. Which story did you --


-- I'm kind of in the deep water here, aren't I?

(Incidentally, at this point in the reply, my apartment blew a fuse. Yay, autorecover!)


We're not all evil. 99.9999Lotsa9s%, tops.


Did you see how much Stereo_Sub beat me by? There's that bucket again... and who's to say there isn't enough river for one more? Cutie Mark Crusaders Creature Deporters, yay?


...I am so sorry I said that.

(The bucket and river are from an image created by William Messner-Loebs, BTW. Look for Journey on Amazon or elsewhere. One of the currently-hidden treasures in graphic novels.)

Okay... if I missed anyone (and I'm sure I did), I'm sorry: insomnia strikes deep and at this point, hard. In for-now conclusion: thank you for reading, hope to see y'all again, and if we shadows have offended and not adequately explained ourselves, we will now make a break for it. Until the next post...

2762058 You need not take things too seriously. My blood pressure has well and truly lowered thanks to that. Your first Front Page story is indeed an impressive work and you should be happy with the response. After all, I wrote my HiE fic as a bit of a satire. I don't think it worked, which means in this regard you are a better writer than I am.

Maximum of nine nines (wolfram|alpha demonstrates), assuming that there is at least one non-evil person in this world. Which means that "lotsa9s" is apparently three nines (as you've already got six out front).

...MATH ALL THE THINGS! :twistnerd:


You can write whatever you want I don't really care. To be honest I just commented because I was musing over the idea and I guess my Humanism got the better of me, that and its not my cup of tea so I'm going to pass on it.

In any case you don't have to worry about me doing anything I have no intention of attacking you for writing it. Still I think this scenario would probably bite Equestria in the butt in the long run.

Yeah, the comment sections validate this idea.


I'd defiantly be interested in helping. I won't be able to write the stories (most likely - I might), because of my already-overburdened story writing, but I am willing to help in pretty much anything else.

while reading this, all i could think of is the show heroes.

I figured by now they would just shoot humans on sight. This works too.

You know, I wonder if eventually the humans from another universe will pull a Commodore Matthew Perry and send a few fleets of naval Warships into Equestrian waters and demand the Humans be treated as equals to the ponies with their inalienable human rights.

And eventually Equestria will have to open up to the rest of the multiverse, they can't keep themselves isolated forever.

2762058 Heh. I didn't mean to imply that the story was hating on the HiE genre, just that HiE had been around for long enough (and tended to accumulate many examples of, shall we say, enthusiasm outweighing storytelling) to have generated a predictable smaller subgenre of "HiE where things go badly - or at least more realistically - for the humans". I just love reading metagenre stories where expected tropes are deliberately clobbered for the comedy value.

I'll admit that I might have something of a distaste for HiE in general, mainly due to the number of badly written self-inserts and crossovers it tends to attract, but I actually do have a small number favorited on this very site - meaning that globally dismissing everything under that tag would make me just a wee bit hypocritical.

at first i didn't like it but the end changed my mind it was better than the last one i read


Still, some more definitions of agency operation, tactics, and methodology probably have to be added first at the absolute minimum.

Hmm. Well, if you'd rather focus on another story, no one said you had to be the one to define those details. So long as you maintain final approval over any proposals, you could outsource the worldbuilding to a major degree. Just putting that out there.

After seeing all the irrational hatred from HiE lovers, I don't feel bad for being prejudiced against them :raritywink: This is brilliant, and not really insulting. You show a huge proportion of sympathetic humans. This will be the first [human] story i star :heart:

I'd be kinda interested in an accidental incursion from a world with not only humans as a sapient race,

Or, since we've found there are multiple worlds, if there was an incursion from another Equestria

So...are you accepting helpers?

2764156 You went all WIBBLY WOBBLY TIMEY WIMEY on me. I like it.

Hmm. From all the different HiE stories I've read, sometimes I can't help but wonder if, realistically, it would be better for everyone if humans and ponies were never to meet. Good intentions, bad intentions, unintentions, it always seems that trouble comes when the two species meet.

I'd be interested in writing a fic with ties to this one, primarily featuring people who've ballsed up the dimension jumping process and landed in Equestria, and some who have come to do whatever the fuck they want to. Maybe a super-human capable of throwing an Ursa Major through a mountain.

2765049 Well, keep in mind that these are all just stories. And, usually, without some kind of trouble, it wouldn't be a very good story. One of the basic elements of fiction is the problem, also known as the conflict, the call to action, or the inciting moment. Without some sort of conflict or problem, there is no story.

I think if people and ponies ever did meet, chances are saner heads would prevail. :twilightsmile:

So wait, griffins, Zebras and other beings capable of disturbing a.."pony" ecology is fine. A human BY the act of existing is instantly wrong and must be purged.

So you have essentially created a absolutist society in which no inpurity can literally exist. Or if it is identified, it must be either quarantined or immediately sent home.

On top of that, tens or hundreds of humans are held captive, and subject to the whim of the people commanding this little Stasi police force. They do have ground rules that stop them from simply executing them all in the first place (why did that have to be laid down in the first place?) but it hardly seems the right way to deal with a new species that keeps finding it's way into Equestira.

Unless you want a grimdark story, that's a pretty bad setting. It gives very little room to manoeuvre for anyone (unless you cram in exposition conveniently allowing you to negate that) , and the characters choices seem..odd. Like putting people in a concentration camp. (It's not described as that but that's essentially what it is) If say a human society set up a reliable way in, found that ponies were keeping people hostage, they would probably not wait for the "but ecology!" argument before taking action.


Upon other read through, I'm finding the way the ponies talk about the humans odd. By your own defence of this story, humans damage things by merely existing, IE they are corrupt. Ponies see humans as something inherently harmful, and they have the attitude to match. The ponies disregard for the humans can be found in their attitudes, calling the camp a "zoo" (note the de-humanization of these poor, frightened people), having specific laws stating that they shouldn't be killed and veterans LITERALLY disliking those rules. So in essence, racist ponies run a service dedicated to deporting, or capturing and throwing in a concentration camp, humans. What a nice twist on HiE, it's the ponies this time which are horrible.

....They have shoot on sight orders? Okay I take that 'statsi' thing back these assholes are SS. No judge, no jury, no attempt to justify themselves or serve in prison OR contact their government to inform them of his crime, just shoot on sight. Seriously, did you want to write the most unlike-able pricks when you were writing this?

Excellent concept. I really want to read more about it, whether from you or others.

A lot of messages in this story.

My favorite minor message, one that may have been unintentional, is that everyone is a hypocrite. I say this because one of the reasons they keep humans out of their nation is because they could damage the environment. The ponies already admitted to ruining the biosphere, but them ruining it is okay.... That's funny.

What I want to know is... What of human incursions in other nations? Celestial can deport as many humans from Equestria as she wants, it's a weak effort in the end if every other nation doesn't follow a similar policy.

I stopped reading about halfway through. Maybe there's a twist at the end that would make me like it after all but I'll never know. My problem is cliched misanthropy. There's already quite a lot of fics that go this way: ponies meet humans, humans turn out to be impure, unworthy, lesser, fundamentally flawed, not fitting in with the supreme natural order, blah, blah. And of course most, if not all of them are bastards. Therefore ponies are morally permitted to do arbitrary things to humans, as suits their convenience and the reader is expected to be okay with it. I think The Conversion Bureau and some of its spin-offs are supposed to be the poster children for that kind of narrative. So yeah.

And I also thought that this was a messed up attempt at a straightforward anti-HiE parody fic until I read you saying otherwise in the comments. The first scene with the over-the-top incompetent and disgusting (of course!) human sets up that kind of expectation.

Also, unless I am misinterpreting this bit:

Let's get our new gelding stitched up. Miss Whispers did us a favor, actually -- saves the ponies at the office a few minutes...

The ponies apparently castrate would-be rapists... I'm pretty sure that (along with a few other things they do in this fic) counts as cruel and unusual punishment. Hell, in real life many argue that even chemical castration is a form of cruel and unusual punishment.

Overall I am going to have to agree with your interpretation of this fic. Of course, to be fair many of the humans in the story are just as messed up as the ponies.


one of the reasons they keep humans out of their nation is because they could damage the environment. The ponies already admitted to ruining the biosphere, but them ruining it is okay....

Yeah, the good old "it's okay when I do it but not when you do it" argument. A classic.


After a brief check, you are right.

And this story is now irredeemably bad. The SS ponies castrate people, and if they do that they are probably not above torturing people. This is almost a self-satire it's so darkly written.

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