This story is a sequel to The Monster of Canterlot
We all know the story of Chris Sol, the human prince of Canterlot, but what if there was another story that began a little after his began? A story that started in the Everfree Forest, where another monster lay hidden. James survived for years in the wild for years and is more frightening than anything the ponies have seen to this day. But now he will encounter the pegasus who will change his life, make the friends that will take him in, and meet the only other one of his kind.
Chapters (4)
This is pretty damn good! Keep it up!
Protected during the night, now who could that possibly be.
LUNA YOU MUST HEAL HIM!!
Keep up the good work James.
Ok, I must say I really like this story, like the original, chapters. . . a little short for my liking but still very good, just one question, this story is based in the monster of Canterlot, I believe he will know Chris at some point, my question is, some parts of the original story will be changed? I don't mind if you do, the original is good but I really apreciate seeing things from diferent points.
anyway, keep ut the good work, as the original, your story has my full attention.
Good story dude.
So, I'd assume Fluttershy has not met Chris yet in this story?
Is this before or after Chris' appearance?
5804041 naturally i will make a few changes as the story progresses, but if the story is as good as you say it is, i hope it will not change what people think about it. Thank you for your kind words. :)
5804687
5804070
you are correct my friends, you see the first chapter took place not long before Chris first encountered mane 6.
First off, I'll say that I'm not trying to be mean, but I have some issues.
There are some pretty glaring issues with your writing style that you can improve on. I'll give a little criticism here and be on my way.
This entire sentence feels kind of like...
I feel like the description was just thrown together.
Secondly, the main character seems WAY too concerned with 'scaring the ponies' considering he's been alone for several years and known all along that they were there. At least, if the worst they did was point, scream, and ran away. I feel that some background of his actual experiences would be helpful. The 'oh the ponies left stuff for me' is really... Odd. I can accept some sort of legend of the monster and appeasing him, but leaving weapons(knives) out? That's just weird.
Princess Luna: The implication that she's been watching over him for multiple years, knowing who Chris is, but never bothering to go help him? I can't buy that.
Capitalization is missing in some locations, as well as awkward or poor sentence structure, missing punctuation, grammar. 'Heal you up' being used once feels awkward, being used twice in rapid succession just is weird. Especially from both fluttershy and luna.
The 'start with a later scene then build to that scene' structure (I've no idea what it's actually called) is a cheap trick to try and build suspense. It works sometimes (especially in prologues or first chapters, or the start of a new arc), but when the scene you start with occurs literally 500 words later, it loses it's appeal and function entirely. And doing it every chapter is just bad.
And finally. The "you're so beautiful" comment as he's dying. Just no. That's... Ugh, I don't even know where to start. First off, you're about 3000 words into a brand new character who seems very blank and difficult to connect with, and now he's dying. You haven't built any reason for your readers to really care that he's hurt. Secondly, he literally has exchanged about 5 lines of dialogue with this being. Why precisely would he bother saving her? He already admitted that his only good food comes from happening on a fresh timber wolf kill. Yet he feeds a bunny some berries randomly, when all he has to eat is an apple and a handful of them? I can't imagine someone 'surviving' not just taking out the bunny and eating it! His motivations are completely alien and you didn't go into them at all.
I'm not saying to stop, but... I think you need to make yourself an outline of your story, or at least chapter outlines, before actually sitting down to write. One paragraph describing what happened for two years is a bad idea when you could take a few chapters and actually show it happening. Build some reader investment in the character.
Oh, and proofread or have someone edit.
First of all, how. HOW.
How does someone spell "Equestria" incorrectly in the title of their story? That's practically inconceivable.
Secondly, I really really hope you got the original author's permission to write a sequel to his story.
Writing a direct sequel based off of another's creation without their permission on a site like this is... inadvisable.
Also without tact.
5807247
I apologize about the title, it was a completely overlooked error, ans every time i went to see what people were talking about, i did not notice until i had to take it letter by letter. Common human error, we all make them.
and you can ask the original author for yourself if you do not wish to take my word. he actually encouraged that i write this after his original story. I might not be as talented, but i give it my best shot for just one person.
I'm glad to see the story is being wwell received so far and I hope that continues. might I suggest this being a side story instead of a sequel? That would allow it to be the same world, but a different story. like in back to the future 2.
5807791 i would love to put that on the cover, my friend, but the site didn't put a side-story option, haha! oops!
Can't really I say I care for the first chapter too much. It felt rushed and unrealistic. The key to solving this is the question: why? Ask that about everything he says in regards to a human surviving in the forest. Second, The Everfree... because that's where ALL humans land in EVERY SINGLE STORY. *sigh* Oi. The author of Monster Of Canterlot did not have his character land there. There are other locations to use. Now, that said, this chapter was fairly well written and it was engaging enough for me to read the next chapter, BUT if this guy goes from being a complete 2-year recluse (who would be suffering from several different types of psychological disorders by that point) to being comfortable around the inhabitants of Ponyville... I may downvote sir.
Chance
Putting your thumb in your mouth DOES NOT sterilize it. That goes in orders of magnitude when you haven't brushed your teeth in days, much less weeks, months, or years.
This desperately needs to contain at least 3 paragraphs about the time passing, Fluttershy following James, and how the hell do you run into a dead-end in a forest.
Where did he get the time to make a fire if Fluttershy was following him?
OI. One word: RUSHED!
As I was a fan of 'Monster of Canterlot', I decided to give this a try. There're a few problems, at least from my point of view:
The plot seems messy, and moving too fast. I wouldn't suggest having James fall in love with Fluttershy, since that's the same thing that happened in 'Monster of Canterlot'. If this is a sequel, isn't Fluttershy already with Chris? Wouldn't that hold no continuity, if he did? Why does James think he's a monster? Just because he scares ponies, he shouldn't give himself the label of 'monster', right off the bat, at least. Just because 'three certain ponies, whom shall not be named' called him a monster, why did he deem himself one? Maybe I'm just nit-picking too much, but...I think it needs a bit of work...
Another thing I see is character. For example, Princess Luna:
This usually doesn't work unless it's a troll fic or a comedy, something of that nature. Sometimes it drives me nuts the way the main cast aren't in character. Again, I could be nit-picking. Now to be honest, you can write however you want, but that is not something Princess Luna would say in the canon, therefore it stands out, to me, like a sore thumb.
5840307 i understand that I cannot measure up the the original story, but this is not a trollfic. I discussed the story with the original author and we agreed that this would make a good story to follow the original. It is not a true sequel, but the "sequel" was the only thing I could categorize it as in the settings.
This story's first chapter is actually happening just before Chris Sol had his encounter in Ponyville, this is not working right off of the tail end of its predecessor. Also, he allowed me to shift the timeline in this alternate-sequel if necessary, so if you see a detail branching off of the path, you now know why.
The reason he is labeling himself as a monster is because that's how the ponies see him, and when he lived with that knowledge, he grew tormented by the title.
And finally, i apologize for not using Luna's normal speech in that spot, I promised myself that when i had the time i would return to that spot and rectify the poor wording.
great chapter, really great chapter, but still, very short, I know, I know, your story, your rules, and to be honest, I don't care if this is not a sequel, I look it more like a "what if" story, so if fluttershy falls in love with him, that's fine, because it's not a sequel.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
5850036 It's okay!
I know people like to read more than i can produce, but i hope that what i lack in length, i make up for in interesting content. Thank you for your input, though.
5850048 Well you're keeping me interested, and I'm not just saying that.
Huh... so Chris IS in this story. Is he dating Flutters or is this before?
5851371 this is before, and be warned, because his is an alternate-sequel, the timelines might be altered slightly
I am glad this story updated, a fine chapter if a bit on the short side.
Like this chapter, but I wouldn't mind a quicker update time. All in all it was good.
Yes, new questions do pop into mind, such as, if that's the mirror I think it is, why didn't he change into a pony when he got here?
Strange, but I'm sure you'll come up with something.
Great chapter btw.
6005748 sometimes, a short chapter has more meaning than an endless anecdote. don't worry, i don't usually make chapters that short, it's a rare occurrence.
6005880 i hope the content will make up for my periods of hiatus. sometimes i have writers' block and sometimes my schedule messes me up. i hope you can forgive me. i have other stories in progress if you'd like to read any as i continue to work on this one.
6005952
Oh, it wasn't a complaint, just an observation, feel free to make your chapters as long or short as you please.
Not bad, but...there's a few glaring errors in the story- grammar first and foremost. Also, some of your sentences are fragments; it's a bit of a challenge to the reader to have to read the chapter one little bit at a time. As for the grammar, I'd suggest getting a proof/pre-reader.
Hope this helped!
6009213 thank you for the feedback, but unfortuantely, my only editor did not do his job well, so not i don't have one to proofread and edit the story.
i'm doing the best i can to fill his shoes, but naturally that is becoming a challenge, as you can see
.
:rewriten comment:did abandon this story
This is a great side story to the monster of canterlot. I enjoy reading this very much