• Member Since 26th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 31st, 2019

Enter Madness


I'm just a guy. Who likes ponies. And fan fiction. Why not both?

T

Thousands of years after Equestria has been reduced to a barren wasteland, an empress returns to the home she failed to protect to face the ghosts of her past.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 21 )

Amazing. Wow. Simply amazing. Dark and sad and a little creepy, but amazing.

Well, that was right depressing... Care to explain the point of forgiving oneself, just so you can die? Besides, how does an immortal creature die, or were you proposing that said immortality wasn't all it's chalked up to be? Also, as appropriate as her missing wing and horn are, it seems a bit unfair not to explain them. Why should the fact that Equestria doesn't exist mean the end of everything, unless you perceive Equestria as all there is in that world?

1502583
Celestia had been wandering the wastes for thousands of years, trying to punish herself. It was her guilt and self-hate that led her to cling to life the way she did, as she felt that she had not earned the right to be at peace. When she was finally convinced otherwise, when she had finally forgiven herself for what she had done, she allowed herself to be at peace. Also, the calamity didn't kill everything, as evidenced by the garden at the top of the mountain. It is theorized that here on Earth, the dinosaurs were wiped out by the massive ash cloud caused by whatever happened, but some life still survived. Equestria could live again, one day. I personally didn't feel that it was important to explain how Celestia lost her wings and horn, and it felt like it broke up the pace of the story too much whenever I tried. Hope that answers all your questions!

That was the saddest most touching thing I have read in my life. 1000x better than all the shitty one-shot attempts at sadness that somehow get featured. I nearly cried, and believe me sir, it is almost impossible to make me cry. I love you so much for writing this. Thank you.
i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn105/walkseva/ManlyTearsHaveBeenShed.jpg

Good lord man. That was...I have no words.
Bravo gentle shrew. Bra-freaking-vo.

That. Was. Spectacular.
It was a 'Celestia after the Death of Everything' that didn't focus on the woes of immortality, and the ending was magnificent.
Which leaves me with the question: What else have you got?

Warning: This comment will contain spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DO NOT read this comment!

Hello again, Enter Madness. I've already given you a list of typos you had, and now I will be giving a critique on the rest of the story. Please keep in mind that the advice I offer is not meant to discourage you in any way; it is only meant to help you become a better writer.

First off, let me begin with what I liked about the story.

I feel like your characterization is very strong. Celestia didn't come off as being whiny or mopey; she seemed to genuinely have a lot weighing her down. She acted realistically for the most part (I will explain later). Your interactions between Celestia and Spike, Celestia and Twilight, and even Spike and Twilight are all realistic and insightful. Very nice.

I must say, though, that by far your best asset is your setting. Everything was so vivid and realistic. I don't think I can tell you that something is geographically wrong, but you did very well to paint a bleak picture AND, at the end, a very nice lush picture.

Your plot is very nice. I like it a lot. 1502583 Does have some good points, though. I didn't really care that it was the end of everything, and I don't think you explained that all too well. I must honestly say I didn't care about why her wing and horn were missing, but take note that someone does want that explained, so keep that in mind when you write in the future.

Now for my main criticism, something I believe you can do better: I thought your narrator was in the story entirely too much. Here are some examples of what I'm talking about:

The mare squealed with delight as water rushed out of the spigot and into the sink. The water in the palace was purified and recycled, so that it would be self-sustaining in a time of crisis, and the mare had even had her own water system specifically for her chambers. The preservation enchantments must have affected the pipes, too, because the water still worked. The mare leaned her head down and took a long draught of the cool water, relishing in the feeling of it sliding down her parched throat. Nothing was quite like water to those dying of thirst. She knew not to drink too much, and forced herself to stop drinking.

That first sentence seems entirely unnecessary. The narrator is not letting the action speak for itself. That part of the second sentence seems to be the narrator trying to justify her actions, and that's not good.

Then the sounds that graced her ears caught her full attention. She could hear bugs buzzing, birds singing their melodies from the treetops, the leaves of the trees softly rustling as a gentle breeze blew through them. She was so lost in the melody of nature that she didn’t notice the dragon that was now awake and leaning down behind her.

Celestia didn't realize this, but the narrator does. His revealing of this information weakens the sudden surprise felt at this part where non-dream dialogue is revealed.

So there is my critique. I really liked the characterization, setting and plot of it all; I just think you need to let the actions speak more for themselves, or maybe shrink the narrator's influence a bit. I hope this makes sense.

Again, this is not meant to discourage you in any way. This is only meant to help.

I wish you the best of your talents with your future endeavors!

I was prepared for an onslaught of sads. And I got that, but the ending wasn't exactly sad outright, which I'm thankful for. This is a brilliant story and...I just don't even know how I feel right now. :applecry:

:raritycry::twilightsmile::fluttercry::pinkiesmile:

I just don't know how to feel...

"We sit together, the mountain and I
until only the mountain remains."

*** HERE BE SPOILERS! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ***

Since you submitted this to ECS, I presume that means you want critical reviews of your work. I'm not on their staff, but I would like to provide you with some feedback, that is, if you don't mind. :yay: This won't be in the format of a review, but rather is intended as constructive criticism. Please don't take this the wrong way, I am on your side. Note also that you have 36 upvotes and 1 downvote at the time of this comment. I am one of the upvotes.

First off, this is a good story. I enjoyed it and from the point of view of emotional impact, it was highly effective. However, there were certain weaknesses in execution and inconsistencies that undermined your effort.

Most glaring, you got most of the elements of harmony wrong. This is what they look like. When you are doing physical descriptions of characters or well known artifacts, check visual references. They abound on the internet (be careful of trolling). Do research if you are not 100% sure of something and double check if you doubt your initial findings. "Wrapped around the pony’s neck was a small amulet in the shape of three apples." Some people might stop reading right there if it wasn't more than half way through the story already.

"Deep scars cut across the ground, splitting it like fresh wounds." You are mixing metaphors (similes?) here. Scars are the opposite of fresh wounds. These are old injuries that never scarred over. Perhaps something like "Deep furrows marred the ground, like agonizing old wounds that had never healed." Keep with the bodily injury motif throughout the paragraph; this is where you get to set the tone of the whole piece. The world has been badly injured and it has not healed.

"Thick green gasses were belched forth from the earth, choking the air with the stench of death and decay. A freezing wind usually blew across the landscape, but it had fallen still for the time being." How about making it more visual and using the active voice: " Tendrils of thick green gas oozed from the land's wounds, like an infection, filling the air with the stench of death and decay. The biting wind which perpetually howled across the ashen landscape chose that moment to die." That binds the reader to a place in time and space.

In terms of consistency, we go from this: " It was a dragon, barely an adult by dragon standards, but still much bigger than the mare," to this: "He returned to his vigil, laying his own body down in his resting place. He was content. He closed his own eye for the last time, a smile resting on his face for all eternity." If he's barely an adult, what did he die of, loneliness? Perhaps 1,000+ year old dragons are barely adults, but I don't really think so. If that is true, you should explain that a little. Another thing that needs explaining is the nature of Celetia's betrayal. I really don't quite get what she did other than ignore Luna's warning about the cosmic disaster that befell Equestria. That's an error, not a betrayal. She abandoned them out of shame? That's about what I get from that after some thought.

I'm not going to give you a list of 100 things I think you need to change, but I hope that you can see where I'm coming from.

Just so you or other readers don't think I'm being a hardass just to be a hardass, allow me to leave you with this. The image of Celestia joyfully galloping after Twilight into the afterlife, after Twilight waited for her over 1,000 years, honestly fills my eyes with tears. You have good steel here. Harden it, temper it, sharpen it and then drive it through my heart.

2258438 Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it.

Firstly, how in the blazes I got the Elements wrong is beyond me. Not only do I feel completely ridiculous for missing that, but everyone who has given me feedback, including EQD pre-readers and a reviewer on mlpchan's /fic/ board, has missed it as well. Ouch.

Other than that, I can certainly see where you're coming from. Right now I'm working on some other stuff, but I will certainly set aside some time to take a long, hard look at this story, as it is one of my favorites that I've written and I fell that it can be a lot better. Thank you for helping me take one more step in the right direction.

2260944 You are most welcome. I would appreciate it if you could take a look at what I've been doing with a critical eye as well. I understand you are on another project, and mine is 28K words right now, but I would respect any criticism you gave me as you are yourself a good writer.

2261049 I'll take a look whenever I get the chance. Expect a comment, (or P.M., depending) in the (somewhat) near future.

This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society

Story title: The Mare and the Mountain

Author: Enter Madness

Review by: BronyWriter

A beautifully visual story that relies more on the atmosphere and the world it created rather than the dialogue, of which there is very little. The spread out words highly benefit the story but also created a possible pitfall as the author needed to nail the atmospheric portion to tell the story, something that he pulled off perfectly.

Full Review

Final Score: 9.75/10

2261271 Damn it, i`m crying
OHMYGOD SO TOUCHING STORY
I can`t stop crying

Incredible.

The way you managed to pull off an uplifting and satisfying ending in such a bleak setting is astonishing. Equestria wasn't rebuilt, time wasn't reversed and mistakes rectified, the six weren't preserved atop the mountain, and yet I have never felt so uplifted by a resolution.

I cant say this enough, but well done.

I can't see Celestia abandoning her ponies. If she was like that she would do the same after her sister was banished in the moon. She wouldn't be able to withstand 1000 years without her sister with character like that. She is fighter.

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