As a woman born with Cerebral Palsy, I'm not just defined by my condition. I write stories about ponies with disabilities because that’s my own experiences.
The Writers' Group56,406 stories ·9,292 members
Looking for Editors3,384 stories ·5,414 members
Applejack2,124 stories ·1,770 members
Supporting Original Characters4,072 stories ·1,824 members
Slice of Life8,154 stories ·1,460 members
This story is a sequel to How Vinyl Scratch Met Stevie Wonder
Applejack and Stevie had been dating for a year after Applejack confessed her love for him.
But Pinkie Pie has other plans for them.
Storyheart has made me a beautiful cover art, they are open to art trades and if you’re interested you can private message them.
Page generated in 0.085 seconds
Total duration
679 users online
647,307 hits today, 1,960,719 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Not bad! Now I gotta read the prequel.
11722478
Thank you so much
Your writing style is kinda basic.
11722514
I know.
what do you mean by
edit:
this group
Picked by the fands
11722910
That just means that you are allowed to make suggestions about the next chapter.
Okay: your characters and their characterizations are rather flat and uninteresting. If you're going to use actual people in your stories, it's best to study them and assign their personalities, other than the fact they're blind. This could be anyone who is blind, so there's nothing to make them stand out and make the reader believe they're seeing Stevie Wonder. What are his mannerisms, how does he speak, is he left or right-handed, does he have any quirks or idiosyncrasies that make him unique? I haven't read any of your other stories, so I don't know what his initial reaction to being in a completely different world was, but I do hope it was something other than, "Oh, wow...this is cool..."
Bypassing all the technical errors such as misused said tags, and improper capitalization of proper nouns, your writing is quite rushed. I can see your passion shining through your work, but it has to be tempered with progressing skill.
You're bringing your readers on a journey, and introducing them into a world you have created. Therefore the burden, or rather the FUN, is for you to fully flesh out that world with colors, sounds, smells, and experiences. You have them all standing in an opulent room. Great. What's in the room? You don't have to describe Every. Tiny. Little. Detail, but give your readers a sense that this room is different from a broom closet.
The same with your characters. Flesh them out, give them their personalities that make them interesting. The goal is to immerse your readers in your writing, and to make them feel as if they're part of the story.
Now, let's deal with the dialogue. It jumps about quite a bit, and doesn't seem to follow a set pattern. There's no natural flow to their conversations, it's just one witty barb followed by another, in what I'm guessing to be an attempt at humor. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but you have to let your readers in on the joke. Assume we have no clue what led up to the conversation, and SHOW, don't TELL, by the characters' actions and dialogue the natural path to the result you're aiming.
Again, don't rush it. Take your time to tell your tale, and you will see better and better results. NONE of this is going to happen overnight, but you WILL become a better writer.
Good luck!
11723251
Thank you, I’ll try and make it better
I don't have much time left tonight, so I'll just go over the first part for now.
{for context, I said I'd give feedback in a blog post}
Okay, so there's quite a bit going on here in this sentence. I would recommend breaking it up into multiple sentences, this is an example of "comma-splicing."
Pinkie Pie and her friends were at sugar cube corner. (I feel "other" is redundant in this context).
Twilight was talking about the second book in the series that she had been reading.
This sentence is quite vague. I know how hard it is to come up with something to fill in the blanks, but I would still suggest giving it a go, else its just: "Person A was doing that thing that they had been doing."
What sort of books might Twilight like? She likes books on magic and maybe magic history, but has also been shown to read fiction such as Daring Doo. I'd suggest choosing a book for her to have been talking about, else this sentence tells the reading nothing.
Rainbow Dash was trying to stay awake, this implies whatever book Twilight was talking about must have been boring for Rainbow Dash, likely not Daring Doo and more likely something technical.
"Twilight was discussing her new book on the magical properties of…"
Ray was listening to what Twilight was saying.
Could use an adverb here, how was he listening? With interest? With understanding? Distracted? Not understanding but still enjoying it? etc.
Also, since I haven't read the prequel story, I do not know about the character Ray.
Minor tense error: "finished"
The section above serves as an opener and sets the scene, but it could have been a little more interesting by including more details about what Twilight was saying, but coming up with something for that kind of thing is something I struggle with to. Because its the opening, it's not a good idea to let yourself get bogged down with trying to get this section perfect, but its something you might be able to go back to and edit once you're further into the chapter and more in the "writing zone" or something.
And Applejack is here too. Nothing major, but she wasn't introduced with the other characters at the start.
In the sentence here, Rainbow's name is used twice consecutively. Usually, it is a good idea to try to keep use of a character's name to a minimum, or as much as you can go without it getting confusing who's doing what.
"Applejack nudged Rainbow Dash in the ribs, causing her to wake with a start."
The dialogue could also be improved because its quite formal for someone who just woke up suddenly. I've seen "Wuzzat?" being used ("What's that?" but said hastily in reflex).
As above, try to reduce the number of times a name is used, and avoid using the same name consequtively.
"Applejack put hung her hoof around Stevies' neck and he kissed her on the cheek. The two had been dating for four months now."
Also, Stevie wasn't introduced into the scene and the first time he is mentioned is in the action of another character.
Might be missing a comma: "Pinkie jokes, noticing the exchange."
Nothing wrong with the dialogue, but is this the kind of thing that could cause a character to blush?
Sounds just like something Rainbow might say.
Maybe remove the second comma to make "…Dash, no we haven't" a little more snappy?
Anger and resentment seems a little strong here; especially resentment. Sure, snapping back is a reasonable reaction, but I doubt Applejack would truly resent her over it. Also, might the intrusive thoughts lead to a blush?
1: rhetorical question is still a question and needs a question mark.
2: I wouldn't suggest using these as they directly speak to the user and break immersion, unless it's another character's own thought.
This part's good.
Anyway, this comment is long enough and it's past my bed time. So that's all I'll comment on for now.
11723887
Thank you so much for your feedback, you don’t have to go through all of the story!
But I appreciate you helping me I will try and make it better when I can.
So he is alone in his room after the reception? I see a marriage that is going to fall apart rather quickly here.
11743298
Yeah, some marriages don’t have a honeymoon, for example, when my dad got married to my stepmom, they didn’t have a honeymoon either.
I changed it so it would flow a bit better.
Hope you enjoy it, and I hope you still don’t think that marriage wall fall apart because it won’t.
This is a nice slice of life story. I enjoyed reading it.
11752321
Thank you
11752325 You are welcome.
What a Wonderful World.🙏
11815434
I had not even realized that you had commented, did you at least enjoy the story?
11816931
No. I never read it. Never will. I only did that for comedy and because the title reminded me of the song.
11816946
You really need to watch out when you pull these type of pranks on people people might not like that, I don’t like that.
That was rude.