After Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom returned home from school with black eyes, their elder sisters, Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash, took it upon themselves to unravel the mystery behind their injuries.
Confronting Diamond Tiara about the incident, she simply shrugged it off, denying any involvement and claiming ignorance of the events altogether.
Rated teen for profanity, narcotics and violence.
I put the alternate universe tag here, because the CMC in this universe are disabled, in fact this universe’s Equestria and Ponyville are designed with disabled ponies in mind, I wanted to create a world where inclusion and knowledge of disabilities was a thing, since that apparently does not work in real life very well, in real life disabled people are still being prejudiced and treated differently.
VERY interesting story, and I like the universe you are setting up!
So Applebloom is Blind and Deaf, and Scootaloo is in a Wheelchair, so what should we know about Sweetie Belle?
11851397
Nothing yet about Sweetie Belle, I haven’t decided that yet on what her disability should be.
11851399
Makes sense!
Also, I know what, assumedly, Diamond did was wrong, but I hope she is rescued from her situation.
Also, will there be more stories in this universe?
11851401
I’m not sure if there will be more stories in this universe, but I am writing a series that I’ve set in a different universe if you’re interested in those.
11851399
Why have you already ruled out Sweetie Belle being quadruplegic? I think that would have been a good handicap.
11851410
I didn’t rule it out, it is me who will decide what her disability is.
Now, did you like the story or not?
I feel bad for the crusaders and a little for diamond tiara
So... Why isn’t Scootaloo’s handicap not just “I can never fly”? It seems a lot more permanent traumatizing for a Pegasus than an injury that requires you to use a wheelchair for a while. Also, why can’t Discord heal them?
11851542
If I just said that she couldn’t fly it wouldn’t be an alternate universe and that’s boring.
Edit: I will not have Discord heal them, because that is not what this story is about, listen if you don’t like this story, how about instead of nitpicking you write your own.
11851542
I'm quite sure having Discord up and heal them would just, completely defeat the purpose of writing this story, along with the fact that Chaos Magic seems to operate on the Rule Of Comedy, whatever option being the most hilarious being the deciding factor in what happens.
I don't think being made of Cotton Candy would be very enjoyable for Anyone involved.
11851954
I agree with you, did you read it?
11852013
I have. It's interesting, though I had a hard time reading it due to how much detail and attention is given to minute and ultimately unimportant parts, such as the over explanation of Scotaloo's wheelchair, or the Carousel Boutique's insides. It also seems some dialog that would be helpful is missing, or cut too short. Along with some missing punctuation, such as Exclamation marks and a few commas.
Example; “Well, then, what are we waiting for, let’s go.” Scootaloo spoke, wheeling forward with so much speed that she nearly ran into Applejack.
That "Let's Go" would work better with an ! instead of a period.
11852015
Thank you for your feedback, I will change that.
Edit: I’ve put an ! Instead of a period.
Found 2 spelling errors; change 'air' to 'heir' and 'insulant' to 'insolent' in the section with DT and her mom. For the rest, you might need an editor/to get to editing it yourself.
Moving on...
As nice as your description of Scootaloo's wheelchair is, you sidestepped having to write about her explaining what had happened to them. Since this is a story about the CMCs being bullied, character & empathy are crucial, the bulk of which you skipped over. Ideally, we should have been there to see the incident. Also, the fact that Apple Bloom is blind and deaf means Sweetie Belle knows braille? A 9-14 y.o.? That's a stretch. The implication that the Apples would all have to know braille too, is a bigger stretch. Just as with the description of the wheelchair, you write more about Rarity's shop catering to PWDs than the characters and their dialogue. Having PWD characters is one thing, but relying only on their character traits straight from the sheet--that leaves them one-dimensional.
And finally, the last segment with Spoiled Rich abusing her daughter is very heavy handed and blunt in execution over that usual subversion of 'the bully is a bully because bad parenting.' Setting aside the fact both RD & AJ, two adults, decided they were going to hit a child, immediately showing the bully subversion was too egregious and early, especially since this takes place so fast in the space of only +220 words.
Overall, I can't say I enjoyed it.
As for your 'universe,' I can't judge it based on such a short story alone. So I can't review it as a universe. The ideas are sound, but you rush through it all with no room to breath or process things. Often times it felt like the story was more eager about 'talking to PWDs' than telling 'a story about characters who are PWDs.' Readers are going to relate not to how an environment is arranged to be inclusive, but to characters, how they live in the environment, dialogue, motivation, interaction, and consequences. As it currently is, it comes across as flat, lopsided and almost sales-pitchy.
And I'm sorry, if anything I've said upsets you. I used to be a meaner reviewer back in the day, and I think I've come a long way using English in expressing, articulating, and conveying ideas. But as far as I could manage, that was easiest I could go with for constructive criticism.
11851542
Even if she is a pegasus, it's pretty much canon that Scootaloo can't fly due to her tiny wings. When it comes to mobility, wings do not automatically mean easy mode either, because even birds need to land and rest. Also, a horse losing 1 leg is a death sentence in most cases. Since ponies are related to horses, being in a wheel chair is a miracle.
11852082
Yes, I will change the spelling errors but I will try and make the characters three-dimensional as the story progresses.
I changed some of the description about the wheelchair, to try and make it shorter.
And added some dialogue about what happened.
11852110
Given you a bit more to work with in the DM. Hope you consider and make something of it. Good luck!
11852814
As I said to you in the DM, I will not be rewriting the first chapter of this story, I wish to keep it the way it is.
I'm liking it. It's good. But I'm hoping Diamond can realize her mistakes.
11852842
Thank you at least there is somebody on here who actually enjoys it.
I mean, I did say I wanted constructive criticism in the first place, but not the constructive criticism that put me down, someone told me this story was bare bones and boring, well guess what I don’t actually care.
This is very interesting and I’m enjoying it very much! I have a suggestion for sweetie belle’s disability if it’s ok? How about Sweetie Belle be on the autism spectrum? Just a thought. Loving this universe and hope to see more!
11852845
That's immensely disappointing, especially for a seemingly nice enough person. Shame since I rooted for you at 1st. I didn't dislike your story, but I saw the flaws that were dragging it down. You asked for constructive criticism, and so I offered it. I left notes to help you improve and make your story better, but you ignored it, which is fine. It's a free world--only to then show you wanted your ego stroked. Piling up fleeting praise while pretending your flaws don't exist.
On top of what the die of life's already cruelly handed to you, what a curse you hold onto...
11852871
Yes, that might be a good idea.
11852925
I guess I just don’t like being told that I need to rewrite my story just because somebody didn’t like it.
You might not have outright, said you didn’t like it, but I can see that you clearly didn’t like it, how dumb do you think I really am, honestly if you didn’t like it, you should’ve just come out and said so.
11852943
no, I don't think you're dumb, and I honestly didn't dislike it, which I said so in my last comment. I saw the good foundations and the potential to advise you, so you could make it better yourself. Who hurt you so much you think that I, one of many random strangers who came to answer your call for help, am out to get you, enough to put words in my mouth I never said?
You posted in many groups asking for people to look at it. And in one you literally asked for constructive criticism and feedback. I wanted to give you the help you asked for, but turns out you didn't want that. Next time, just be honest with yourself and title your threads 'actual non-ironic shameless plug.'
11852960
Well, the jokes on you buddy because I’m gonna continue writing my story despite what you’re telling me about the changes I should make.
11852963
Good luck with that, honestly. You lost someone who believed in you...
11852967
Don’t really care about that.
Thanks, I guess.
11852928
Thx
11853000
You're welcome.
11852967
Gotta love the likes on your comments and the dislikes on hers. 😂 no clue why people hate on people being real.
But in all seriousness (and to further brodie's point), it's not a bad story. The criticism he offered is the exact kind of constructive advice that can make you a better writer. Does it suck to hear someone say that what you've got doesn't exactly work? Probably. But you're writing a story for other people to read, not just yourself. Thus, wouldn't it be ideal to construct it in a way that other people can get behind?
I think most of the time when someone offers constructive criticism they make it pretty clear whether they personally believe in your fic or not. I mean, part of offering critique is being transparent, right? And he even outright said he saw potential in this story. I see it too a little bit, and I do agree with him on the errors he pointed out, but I'm not a writing critic so you can take that with a grain of salt. What I will say is learn to suck it up and take good advice. ESPECIALLY if you're going to ask for criticism.
Sorry for all the yapping. Just wanted to get that off. Have a nice day!
11853945
You know what I might just take you up on that advice, I’m going to take this story down because no matter what I try this will not please anyone.
Good day, sir, or Madame.
Never mind I changed my mind I am not taking it down, say what you will, I still like this story of mine, quite frankly, I don’t care if I’m writing for other people if they don’t like it, so what, I mean there are a few people who do like it so I will concentrate on pleasing them instead of pleasing people who leave criticism, I know I asked for it, but I wish I hadn’t if I knew I was going to get something so harsh.
11853951
Ay, it's your story so you do what you wanna do. If you'd rather please a few people as opposed to improving it for a larger audience, I can't stop you.
And if we're being real, the criticism you received wasn't harsh. What was harsh was how quickly you shut yourself down to it when you weren't showered with praise, which based off of what I read is what I gather you wanted. But Blankscape didn't rip your story, he didn't call it garbage, he didn't say start over. He pointed out the promising things and mentioned the not-so-promising things, and offered a way to improve them. That's the opposite of harsh. Homie wanted to help.
You prolly coulda been nicer about it. That's why people disliked your comments.
11853956
Did you like the story or are you just to say this?
11853956
Honestly, I don’t really care about the downvoting anymore.
11853959
I didn't leave a like, no, mainly because I didn't feel like leaving a rating. But hey, better than what you used to do, right? 😂 I remember when you commented on my stories just to say they weren't good without actually reading them. Fun times.
11853963
Most of us are not your enemies, we genuinely want you to improve and better yourself in writing. But if you try to swat the hand that's trying to help you, you'll not improve. Of course, some people really are just assholes, but some people really just want to help. Please do not ask for help and then refuse the help after. You can be better than this.
11853967
Yeah, I know and I’m actually sorry about that, listen I was young and didn’t understand that that would hurt you.
11853968
OK so next time I write a story, I will not ask for help, because, as you’ve said, I clearly do not want it.
11853990
It's all good, I usually let all that stuff roll off my back. Even the hater kind of criticism doesn't typically bother me.
Considering how much it annoys you though, I wouldn't be surprised to see someone leave a negative comment just to get a reaction out of you. By lashing out at people you just make yourself look that much worse. Remember that.
11854015
I know that, but I don’t care about all that stuff anymore
11854016
Not saying you have to, just trying to say don't feed the hate. It might make you feel a little bit better as well if you just ignore it.
11854023
Ok, I understand, lots of people have told me to just ignore all of the hate, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do, and what I’ve been trying to do.
Now girls. We get the fact that you are wanting to protect your sisters but maybe there's a better than with violence. And plus I hear that it wasn't Diamond Tiara's fault for her dad's death. So why don't you listen to what your daughter says instead of being an asshole all the the time Spoiled?!
11854893
VERY interesting, it kinda seems like Spoiled is actually an okay mom here. I won't say good, cause we have only seen here while she is upset, so we don't know her normal behaviour
11859009
Glad you enjoyed it.
Pretty good! I really like the direction this story is taking, and I can visibly see your writing beginning to improve and its really fun!
The bit after the first chapter break (Starting "When school had let out", ending "Apple Bloom nodded in agreement") was edited by me :P, but because I'm bad at writing in general, the edits were very rudimentary
This chapter was pretty fun, I liked seeing how the CMC's relationship was developing, but Diamond just suddenly switching from "Slur Spouting Megalomaniac who has a twisted desire for power and control" to "A mature child who learned from her past hateful tedencies and is trying to become better" seems a bit rushed, idk tho
I rate this chapter a 6.5~7/10
(But because I'm a Raging narcissist, 10/10 for the bit i edited because it's perfect (if you ignore the spelling mistakes i made 💀))
Trigger Warning: Dark Humour
Stairs: 🗿
11859093
Thank you for your help,
damn man this is deep, I feel bad for the cutie mark crusaders and for Diamond tiara