Black eyes
The CMC walked home after a long and agonizing day at school, Sweetie Belle held Apple Bloom's hoof as they walked, Scootaloo trailing behind them in her wheelchair.
When they arrived back at Sweet Apple Acres, Sweetie Belle tapped out a rhythmic pattern on Apple Bloom's back to let her know that they had arrived.
Apple Bloom nodded in understanding and Sweetie Belle walked up to knock on the front door.
As they stepped into the house, once the door opened, Sweetie guided Apple Bloom to sit down.
Applejack noticed that they all had black eyes and bruises on their bodies.
“What happened to ya?” The cowgirl asked, examining her sister.
Scootaloo's wheelchair was a sturdy yet streamlined design, tailored to accommodate her unique needs. The frame was constructed of lightweight yet durable materials, allowing for easy maneuverability while ensuring stability.
The seat was cushioned for comfort during long periods of use, with adjustable straps securing Scootaloo's legs in place to provide support and stability.
The wheels were large and rugged, capable of navigating various terrains with ease.
Despite its functional design, the wheelchair had a touch of personal flair, adorned with decals and stickers reflecting Scootaloo's vibrant personality and love for adventure.
“Diamond Tiara was bullying us just because of our disabilities,” Scootaloo explained.
“Well, that ain't good, I think that we need to have a chat with Diamond about this,” Applejack finally said when the orange Pegasus was done explaining what had happened.
“Yeah, we should go talk with her, she was picking on Apple Bloom, just because she’s blind and deaf, and needs a lot of help from us and the teacher at school,” Sweetie Belle chimed in when she was done translating what was being said for Apple Bloom.
“Well, then, what are we waiting for, let’s go!” Scootaloo spoke, wheeling forward with so much speed that she nearly ran into Applejack.
“But first we should tell Rarity and Rainbow Dash, Ah think that they would want to hear this, too.” Applejack replied.
Scootaloo let out a sigh and wheeled over to the door to open it for the others to go and tell Rarity and Rainbow what had happened.
Applejack and the Cutie mark crusaders headed out of the farmhouse to go to Rarity’s boutique across town.
Rarity was rearranging her fabrics when there came a knock on the door, she went to go see who it was, and when she opened the door she saw Applejack and the Cutie Mark Crusaders standing there.
“Sweetie Belle, whatever happened to you?” Rarity asked, looking at her sister in disbelief when she saw her black eye.
Sweetie Belle recounted the day's events for her big sister when she had come into the boutique.
“Oh dear, we must do something,” The white unicorn said when her little sister had finished telling the story of what happened at school that day.
“All right, I’ll go get Rainbow Dash,” Applejack spoke, heading back out the door to find her friend, leaving Rarity alone with the three young disabled ponies.
The entrance to Rarity's boutique features a wide, double door with a low threshold, allowing for easy access for ponies of all sizes and abilities.
The doors are equipped with handles that can be easily grasped by ponies with different types of hooves, ensuring everyone can enter without difficulty.
Inside, the boutique boasts a spacious layout with wide aisles between the displays of fabrics, clothing racks, and accessories.
The aisles are free from clutter, allowing plenty of room for ponies to move around comfortably, even those using mobility aids such as wheelchairs or walkers.
The flooring of the boutique is smooth and level, making it easy for ponies to traverse without fear of tripping or stumbling. Additionally, there are tactile indicators along the floor to guide ponies with visual impairments and help them navigate the space safely.
Throughout the boutique, there are seating areas strategically placed for ponies who may need to take a rest or simply relax while shopping.
The seating options include sturdy chairs and benches with ample padding for comfort.
The displays themselves are designed with accessibility in mind, with fabrics and garments arranged at varying heights to accommodate ponies of different heights and reach capabilities.
Labels and signage are clear and easy to read, using large fonts and high contrast colors for visibility.
Rarity and her staff are trained to provide excellent customer service to all ponies, including those with disabilities.
They are attentive to the needs of their customers and are always ready to assist with any requests or inquiries.
Overall, Rarity's boutique is not only a haven for fashion enthusiasts but also a welcoming and inclusive space where ponies of all abilities can feel comfortable and empowered to express their unique style.
A few moments later, Applejack returned with Rainbow Dash.
The cowgirl was out of breath from running when she busted into the boutique.
“So what happened?” Rainbow Dash asked after a while.
“Well, it seems that Diamond Tiara has been picking on the girls,” Rarity explained, pointing to the girls black eyes.
“I think we need to give that girl a taste of her own medicine,” Rainbow said, pumping her hoof in the air as she let out a yell of determination. “Let’s do this.”
“Yeah, come on,” Applejack shouted as she picked up her little sister and put her on her back galloping out the front door.
“Hold on, I really think we need to think this through, we can’t just show up at her house and go in blazing,” Rarity held up a hoof to stop her friends.
Applejack turned to her with a look of determination on her face, before turning back to the road.
Rarity let out a sigh and followed her friends out, closing the door behind her.
Across town, in a big opulent mansion Diamond and her mother Spoiled Rich were having an argument about money, like they had always had for the past few months.
Spoiled believed that her daughter was not ready to inherit all of this money, and that she would be the rightful heir to the Rich estate one day instead of Diamond.
“You lowlife, you will never be successful, being successful is what your father was good at and what I am good at, but you, you will be never good at it,” Spoiled screamed like a banshee at her daughter, who was huddled in the corner with a look of fear on her face.
“But mother, please, I didn’t mean it, I was only trying to become popular, so the other ponies would like me,” Diamond begged, as her mother’s hoof prepared to strike her.
“You will never be successful, I wish you were never born, you spoiled insolent little brat,” Spoiled yelled before storming out and slamming the door to Diamond’s room behind her.
“Why do you always need to make things so difficult, after dad died you started making my life hell, I hate you!” Diamond yelled after her mother.
At this, Spoiled turned around and marched back into her daughter’s room.
“What did you say to me, you better be glad I’m your mother, you know, your father’s death is your fault, if you hadn’t been late, your father would still be alive.” Spoiled screamed back, her face turning as red as a tomato.
“Screw you, I wish you weren’t my mother!” Diamond screamed as tears began welling up in her eyes.
“Diamond Tiara, watch your language.” Spoiled scolded as she turned around and left her daughter’s room once again.
Diamond Tiara crawled up onto her bed and cried, she didn’t understand why her mother needed to be so mean, what did she ever do to deserve this, her daddy was never mean to her when he was alive, but then again, her mother always blamed her for her father’s death.
“Dad’s death wasn’t my fault, I didn’t mean to come home late that day,” Diamond thought to herself as she lay face down on her bed.
Stats
Page generated in 0.016 seconds
Total duration
922 users online
1,203,125 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
VERY interesting story, and I like the universe you are setting up!
So Applebloom is Blind and Deaf, and Scootaloo is in a Wheelchair, so what should we know about Sweetie Belle?
11851397
Nothing yet about Sweetie Belle, I haven’t decided that yet on what her disability should be.
11851399
Makes sense!
Also, I know what, assumedly, Diamond did was wrong, but I hope she is rescued from her situation.
Also, will there be more stories in this universe?
11851401
I’m not sure if there will be more stories in this universe, but I am writing a series that I’ve set in a different universe if you’re interested in those.
11851399
Why have you already ruled out Sweetie Belle being quadruplegic? I think that would have been a good handicap.
11851410
I didn’t rule it out, it is me who will decide what her disability is.
Now, did you like the story or not?
I feel bad for the crusaders and a little for diamond tiara
So... Why isn’t Scootaloo’s handicap not just “I can never fly”? It seems a lot more permanent traumatizing for a Pegasus than an injury that requires you to use a wheelchair for a while. Also, why can’t Discord heal them?
11851542
If I just said that she couldn’t fly it wouldn’t be an alternate universe and that’s boring.
Edit: I will not have Discord heal them, because that is not what this story is about, listen if you don’t like this story, how about instead of nitpicking you write your own.
11851542
I'm quite sure having Discord up and heal them would just, completely defeat the purpose of writing this story, along with the fact that Chaos Magic seems to operate on the Rule Of Comedy, whatever option being the most hilarious being the deciding factor in what happens.
I don't think being made of Cotton Candy would be very enjoyable for Anyone involved.
11851954
I agree with you, did you read it?
11852013
I have. It's interesting, though I had a hard time reading it due to how much detail and attention is given to minute and ultimately unimportant parts, such as the over explanation of Scotaloo's wheelchair, or the Carousel Boutique's insides. It also seems some dialog that would be helpful is missing, or cut too short. Along with some missing punctuation, such as Exclamation marks and a few commas.
Example; “Well, then, what are we waiting for, let’s go.” Scootaloo spoke, wheeling forward with so much speed that she nearly ran into Applejack.
That "Let's Go" would work better with an ! instead of a period.
11852015
Thank you for your feedback, I will change that.
Edit: I’ve put an ! Instead of a period.
Found 2 spelling errors; change 'air' to 'heir' and 'insulant' to 'insolent' in the section with DT and her mom. For the rest, you might need an editor/to get to editing it yourself.
Moving on...
As nice as your description of Scootaloo's wheelchair is, you sidestepped having to write about her explaining what had happened to them. Since this is a story about the CMCs being bullied, character & empathy are crucial, the bulk of which you skipped over. Ideally, we should have been there to see the incident. Also, the fact that Apple Bloom is blind and deaf means Sweetie Belle knows braille? A 9-14 y.o.? That's a stretch. The implication that the Apples would all have to know braille too, is a bigger stretch. Just as with the description of the wheelchair, you write more about Rarity's shop catering to PWDs than the characters and their dialogue. Having PWD characters is one thing, but relying only on their character traits straight from the sheet--that leaves them one-dimensional.
And finally, the last segment with Spoiled Rich abusing her daughter is very heavy handed and blunt in execution over that usual subversion of 'the bully is a bully because bad parenting.' Setting aside the fact both RD & AJ, two adults, decided they were going to hit a child, immediately showing the bully subversion was too egregious and early, especially since this takes place so fast in the space of only +220 words.
Overall, I can't say I enjoyed it.
As for your 'universe,' I can't judge it based on such a short story alone. So I can't review it as a universe. The ideas are sound, but you rush through it all with no room to breath or process things. Often times it felt like the story was more eager about 'talking to PWDs' than telling 'a story about characters who are PWDs.' Readers are going to relate not to how an environment is arranged to be inclusive, but to characters, how they live in the environment, dialogue, motivation, interaction, and consequences. As it currently is, it comes across as flat, lopsided and almost sales-pitchy.
And I'm sorry, if anything I've said upsets you. I used to be a meaner reviewer back in the day, and I think I've come a long way using English in expressing, articulating, and conveying ideas. But as far as I could manage, that was easiest I could go with for constructive criticism.
11851542
Even if she is a pegasus, it's pretty much canon that Scootaloo can't fly due to her tiny wings. When it comes to mobility, wings do not automatically mean easy mode either, because even birds need to land and rest. Also, a horse losing 1 leg is a death sentence in most cases. Since ponies are related to horses, being in a wheel chair is a miracle.
11852082
Yes, I will change the spelling errors but I will try and make the characters three-dimensional as the story progresses.
I changed some of the description about the wheelchair, to try and make it shorter.
And added some dialogue about what happened.
11852110
Given you a bit more to work with in the DM. Hope you consider and make something of it. Good luck!
11852814
As I said to you in the DM, I will not be rewriting the first chapter of this story, I wish to keep it the way it is.
I'm liking it. It's good. But I'm hoping Diamond can realize her mistakes.
11852842
Thank you at least there is somebody on here who actually enjoys it.
I mean, I did say I wanted constructive criticism in the first place, but not the constructive criticism that put me down, someone told me this story was bare bones and boring, well guess what I don’t actually care.
This is very interesting and I’m enjoying it very much! I have a suggestion for sweetie belle’s disability if it’s ok? How about Sweetie Belle be on the autism spectrum? Just a thought. Loving this universe and hope to see more!
11852845
That's immensely disappointing, especially for a seemingly nice enough person. Shame since I rooted for you at 1st. I didn't dislike your story, but I saw the flaws that were dragging it down. You asked for constructive criticism, and so I offered it. I left notes to help you improve and make your story better, but you ignored it, which is fine. It's a free world--only to then show you wanted your ego stroked. Piling up fleeting praise while pretending your flaws don't exist.
On top of what the die of life's already cruelly handed to you, what a curse you hold onto...
11852871
Yes, that might be a good idea.
11852925
I guess I just don’t like being told that I need to rewrite my story just because somebody didn’t like it.
You might not have outright, said you didn’t like it, but I can see that you clearly didn’t like it, how dumb do you think I really am, honestly if you didn’t like it, you should’ve just come out and said so.
11852943
no, I don't think you're dumb, and I honestly didn't dislike it, which I said so in my last comment. I saw the good foundations and the potential to advise you, so you could make it better yourself. Who hurt you so much you think that I, one of many random strangers who came to answer your call for help, am out to get you, enough to put words in my mouth I never said?
You posted in many groups asking for people to look at it. And in one you literally asked for constructive criticism and feedback. I wanted to give you the help you asked for, but turns out you didn't want that. Next time, just be honest with yourself and title your threads 'actual non-ironic shameless plug.'
11852960
Well, the jokes on you buddy because I’m gonna continue writing my story despite what you’re telling me about the changes I should make.
11852963
Good luck with that, honestly. You lost someone who believed in you...
11852967
Don’t really care about that.
Thanks, I guess.
11852928
Thx
11853000
You're welcome.
11852967
Gotta love the likes on your comments and the dislikes on hers. 😂 no clue why people hate on people being real.
But in all seriousness (and to further brodie's point), it's not a bad story. The criticism he offered is the exact kind of constructive advice that can make you a better writer. Does it suck to hear someone say that what you've got doesn't exactly work? Probably. But you're writing a story for other people to read, not just yourself. Thus, wouldn't it be ideal to construct it in a way that other people can get behind?
I think most of the time when someone offers constructive criticism they make it pretty clear whether they personally believe in your fic or not. I mean, part of offering critique is being transparent, right? And he even outright said he saw potential in this story. I see it too a little bit, and I do agree with him on the errors he pointed out, but I'm not a writing critic so you can take that with a grain of salt. What I will say is learn to suck it up and take good advice. ESPECIALLY if you're going to ask for criticism.
Sorry for all the yapping. Just wanted to get that off. Have a nice day!
11853945
You know what I might just take you up on that advice, I’m going to take this story down because no matter what I try this will not please anyone.
Good day, sir, or Madame.
Never mind I changed my mind I am not taking it down, say what you will, I still like this story of mine, quite frankly, I don’t care if I’m writing for other people if they don’t like it, so what, I mean there are a few people who do like it so I will concentrate on pleasing them instead of pleasing people who leave criticism, I know I asked for it, but I wish I hadn’t if I knew I was going to get something so harsh.
11853951
Ay, it's your story so you do what you wanna do. If you'd rather please a few people as opposed to improving it for a larger audience, I can't stop you.
And if we're being real, the criticism you received wasn't harsh. What was harsh was how quickly you shut yourself down to it when you weren't showered with praise, which based off of what I read is what I gather you wanted. But Blankscape didn't rip your story, he didn't call it garbage, he didn't say start over. He pointed out the promising things and mentioned the not-so-promising things, and offered a way to improve them. That's the opposite of harsh. Homie wanted to help.
You prolly coulda been nicer about it. That's why people disliked your comments.
11853956
Did you like the story or are you just to say this?
11853956
Honestly, I don’t really care about the downvoting anymore.
11853959
I didn't leave a like, no, mainly because I didn't feel like leaving a rating. But hey, better than what you used to do, right? 😂 I remember when you commented on my stories just to say they weren't good without actually reading them. Fun times.
11853963
Most of us are not your enemies, we genuinely want you to improve and better yourself in writing. But if you try to swat the hand that's trying to help you, you'll not improve. Of course, some people really are just assholes, but some people really just want to help. Please do not ask for help and then refuse the help after. You can be better than this.
11853967
Yeah, I know and I’m actually sorry about that, listen I was young and didn’t understand that that would hurt you.
11853968
OK so next time I write a story, I will not ask for help, because, as you’ve said, I clearly do not want it.
11853990
It's all good, I usually let all that stuff roll off my back. Even the hater kind of criticism doesn't typically bother me.
Considering how much it annoys you though, I wouldn't be surprised to see someone leave a negative comment just to get a reaction out of you. By lashing out at people you just make yourself look that much worse. Remember that.
11854015
I know that, but I don’t care about all that stuff anymore
11854016
Not saying you have to, just trying to say don't feed the hate. It might make you feel a little bit better as well if you just ignore it.
11854023
Ok, I understand, lots of people have told me to just ignore all of the hate, and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do, and what I’ve been trying to do.
Now girls. We get the fact that you are wanting to protect your sisters but maybe there's a better than with violence. And plus I hear that it wasn't Diamond Tiara's fault for her dad's death. So why don't you listen to what your daughter says instead of being an asshole all the the time Spoiled?!
11854893