My name's Little Snow, and I've been facing a nightmare online because of my disability. It's a cruel twist of fate when the very ponies I admired turn into bullies, questioning the legitimacy of my condition. Every time I try to defend myself, they drown me out with their accusations and disbelief.
The weight of their words becomes unbearable, crushing me with each keystroke. One day, it reaches a tipping point, a moment where the pain outweighs reason, and I find myself teetering on the edge of a decision that will haunt me forever.
Please keep in mind that this story has nothing to do with my actual life, I have never considered taking my own life, but if there is anyone in your life or if you yourself have considered to take your own life because of bullying, please don’t, there are hotlines that you can call.
This story is only to spread awareness about how hurtful bullying can be, and what awful consequences there are for children and adults who have gotten bullied.
Cover made by me.
She's right about everything. Bullying is never okay. So yeah we need to help Artist get those bullies off her back.
11819165
Thank you.
11819167
Anything for you.
The message is simple yet powerful. The pen truly is mightier than the sword.
11819281
I know. Thank you for reading.
11819287
No problem. You deserve it.
Awww this is nice
11819297
Thank you
11819304
No problem
(Btw someone thinks that your story may be a bit much but i haven't checked it so perhaps it is perhaps it isnt but i say its fine)
11819315
I don’t understand what you mean? Somebody thinks my story is a bit much?
You mean because of the down vote, screw those people who down vote they have nothing better to do with their sorry ass lives anyway.
11819317
Oh no it was someone on the discord server
But hey its fine
11819320
Which discord server?
I’m in so many that I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
11819332
Fimfiction's server
Its located on the bottom of the site Under follow and support us
11819348
I know, I got banned from there for no reason, at least I don’t remember saying anything bad, but they banned me anyway.
11819349
Its alright
As far as stories go, this is need of some serious improvements. The description lacks any sort of subtlety and doesn't provide an overview. There are a ton of missing words and your sentences are complete run-ons. Regretfully, I think it might be more worthwhile to just point out the flaws in the narrative itself.
Number one. The first paragraph states this is your first blog post on an Equestrian website, and yet you are reading old blog posts from five years ago. Pretty simple mistake to spot. Not to mention that the line between blog post and story get pretty blurred. It's not clear what parts are words on the page, narration, and actual story. How long has the blog existed? Plus why would Twilight being on the throne just get rid of bullies and trolls?
Number two, you said there were hurtful comments about you being disabled. You didn't state what kind of things they even said. Or what type of disability. And there are scummy people that can and have faked disabilities. It happens.
Number three. The perspective character is named Snow but they're a green unicorn with amber eyes. The name doesn't fit at all.
Number four. Your character stated they wanted to do something. But besides not eating all day and crying, there was no real acts or intentions or anything described.
Number five, you said Rainbow Dash adopted you twelve years ago. This story has to take place pretty far in the future , past the finale. But we don't get a sense of what would drive Rainbow Dash to adopt you and the struggle of being a full time WonderBolt plus single parent couldn't be an easy decision. Not to mention having to get a house on the ground just so you could actually live in a house.
Number six, Rainbow Dash's second "advice" was incredibly dumb. The bullies would inevitably lash out.
Like the smart thing would have been to you know report to the site administration so they can handle it to the best of their ability instead of just feeding the trolls.
Number seven, okay Rainbow Dash iterates the smart advice from a couple of run on sentences ago. Great. Why did Apple Bloom need to tell you the same thing?
11819501
This is not about me, but I put myself in that characters shoes.
Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate it, but I will no longer be changing anything, because that means I would have to rewrite it, and I don’t wanna do that.
But I do appreciate your comment.
11819501
Could you please tell me where the run-on sentences are and whether there are missing words I will fix them shortly if you tell me.
11819501
Wow, that's a long answer. Are you a Fanfic critic? Or is your answer like that for personal reasons?
Solid premise. This is a topic worth exploring.
11819663
Thank you.
11819585
I write out long critiques mostly for personal reasons. If a fic looks like it needs some improvements, I say something. Otherwise I just give a simple reply.
11820138
Are you down voting every comment I get?
11820678
Nope.
11820876
Why do you write comments about stories for personal reasons?
11820879
Maybe they just like doing it? Or maybe they want people to improve. Could be anything.
11821054
Hmm, yeah.
11821069
Thank you very much.
11821084
I also don’t understand the hate that this story receives.
But if you go back and read How Vinyl Scratch Met Stevie Wonder, I had to turn off the ratings and put a disclaimer why I turned off the ratings in the description because people were mass down voting it.
11821101
I know.
Irony
11821191
Excuse me??
A few things, really:
11821097
Negative comments/downvotes and hate are not the same thing. Otherwise every single story would just have "great fic, keep writing!" in every review, which would be completely pointless. If someone says, "Why did you write this, you worthless piece of trash?" then that is hate because it's insulting you personally. In fact, personal abuse like that's against site rules and you'd be within your rights to report it. Something like 11819501 's comment on the other hand is not hate, since it's clearly intended as constructive criticism.
See, that's a good response. I've been writing reviews of ponyfic for a decade now, and one of my rules is that if an author has switched off ratings, I won't review the fic. I know in some fandoms it's considered impolite to review a fic unless the author asks for it. That is not and has never been the case here on Fimfiction. The default is being open to review, but it's easy to ask people not to do that -- by switching off ratings.
But when you said 11819317 "screw those people who down vote they have nothing better to do with their sorry ass lives anyway" then that's you being unreasonable, since now you're insulting folks. Downvotes exist for a reason. Everyone, including me, including the greatest writers on the site, gets downvotes sometimes. And everyone, including me, including the greatest writers, and yes including you, has to accept that. Unless you switch off ratings, which as I've said is a fair option.
11822525
I’m not really even asking for a review.
11822527
Sure, and I'm not planning on writing one myself. I was just giving a few thoughts, that's all.
11822595
Oh, sorry if I came off as a little bit rude earlier, I didn’t mean it.
11822658
No problem. Enjoy your writing!
11822983
Thank you. Have you read any of my other stories?
Dogshit-ass story.
"Hey Scoots? You're pretty cool. Don't go to school tomorrow."
11823208
I don’t understand.
11823171
DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME???
It's been a while since I've done a review, sooooo heeeerrreeee wwwweeeeee gggooooooo!
Everypony. One word. It's meant as a replacement of everybody, just replacing the last bit with pony instead. Not intended to be two words (unless that is intentional, then carry on).
So... Is the previous paragraph the end of the post, or is it this one? Could be shown a little clearer. I like using italics for such things. Simply italic the 'posted' section to differentiate it from the present events.
Then knock on my door... This could have been better phrased: 'A knock at my door broke my concentration' or something. I also see you're going present-tense for this story. An... interesting choice, not one I'd recommend, but you do you.
kek, but also, remember what I just said about 'present-tense'? Choose either past-tense or present-tense and stick with it. Wavering between the two is sloppy writing and pulls readers out of the narrative, much like repeated spelling mistakes. There are advantages and disadvantages to each, but past-tense is considered easier to pull off than present-tense.
See? Here is the perfect example of why past-tense is easier. It allows narration to flow smoother.
Although, this is one massive run-on sentence. Some of those commas can be replaced by periods and it would improve the prose.
Ah, the struggle of social media addiction.
*Creak (I had to look it up. I would have made the same mistake, honestly). There is a recurring issue with the pacing in the story, in that nothing is left to sit before moving onto the next thing. It's like a bead necklace where you just glue the beads together without any string to connect them fluidly. It's rigid, stiff. For example:
This could have been associated with a specific action rather than simply being told. On its own, it contributes nothing to the story, but it doesn't have to be that way. The one that came to my mind was the MC taking a break from the computer to go to the window, reflecting on her current circumstances. Instead, you move from one point to another. You could tell us what's on their desk when they sit down, or around their room as they pace back and forth fuming over the messages, adding to their characterization. I've already mentioned about looking out the window leading into exposition, but you could also provide some small commentary about other foals their age.
There are options.
Rainbow saying 'sweetie'? Even for an adopted foal, that sounds a little out-of-character. You got it down before with her calling her 'squirt.' Rainbow is the type of parent who wouldn't be terribly 'motherly,' more 'fatherly,' like how she responds after this.
If Rainbow had a bit more sense, she would have followed her own advice and not responded at all. Maybe she would have told a story of herself being bullied back when she was younger, showing through her actions that she didn't engage with the bullies, ignoring them and carrying on. Missed opportunity.
And that is why Equestria is a fantasy land.
...
Kinda skimmed over the last half, mostly because I would be repeating myself a lot of the time. There were some spelling/grammar errors throughout, ones that would get caught by a read-through or two, structural issues involving commas vs periods abound, tense kept switching between past and present, description and transition lacked in several areas, and the pace being far too fast. Easily could have pushed 3k+ words with more meat.
All-in-all, it needs some work to avoid 'quality' downvotes. As for the story, it was... eh. I understand where you're coming from and where you went, but execution could have been done better. There could have been more struggle, introspection and self-doubt, or something to fill out the story's content. Rainbow could have had better advice, too. Perhaps have it take place over multiple days, the comments wearing her down to the point of snapping back at her mom before she finally has the break down. Then when she sees Apple Bloom, she has a realization that she doesn't need to let the bullies get to her, going off to play with her friend in the real world.
And then there is the author's notes...
Fair enough, although...
Writing while angry usually doesn't lead to good quality. Being passionate about something definitely helps, but to be mad to the point of shaking? That's the time for outlines of stories you may or may not return to, not the content itself. Take deep breaths, focus that anger into something productive, taking frequent breaks if you need to. I've done so while writing particularly charged scenes, working at it bit-by-bit.
In the comments, you say 11819317 'screw those people who down vote they have nothing better to do with their sorry ass lives anyway.' Well, have you considered that some of those downvotes are valid based on the story itself? I can see there are some people who don't like you, I get that people like that exist (from the generalized downvotes on your comments it's obvious), but you're not making things easier for yourself by throwing out an insult like that.
If you want less downvotes, I have two suggestions: 1. Keep your emotions under check, and 2. Improve your writing. I get it, it's frustrating to have your work dumped on by others, but it doesn't need to be so bad. Much like your writing, you can improve how you respond to criticism. Don't lash out, or think it's a egregious dig at you, and instead focus on addressing the constructive comments that point out specific things like 11819501 . Improvement is your choice, one that can be hard to do, but can yield worthwhile results.
After reading, this doesn't seem to relate a whole lot to the content of the story. It isn't about self-harm/suicide (besides a single line), and to expand this to the entire population? It's a bit of a stretch. This is also why I don't publish while emotional. It's better to have a sober second or third look before releasing something I may later retract (not that it stops me from making a fool of myself). I understand you're not going to be coming back to this story to edit it, so carry the lessons to the next story you do.
That's all I have for now. Hope this helped.
11823531
I will change it now.
11848541
Thank you.
Could you also upvote the story please, do you see the green and red line in the right hand corner?
Click on the thumbs up button.