Pinkie Pie and her friends, including Ray and Stevie were at sugar cube corner, Twilight was talking about the second book in the series she had been reading, Rainbow was actively trying to stay awake, Ray was listening with interest to what Twilight was saying.
“I learned so much.” Twilight finished telling her story, she been had reading the book about magical artifacts.
Applejack nudged Rainbow in the ribs, she jolted awake.
“Wuzzzup?” She asked raising an eyebrow at Applejack.
Twilight rolled her eyes and shook her head in amusement.
Applejack put her hoof around Stevie, they had been dating for 4 months now, Stevie kissed her on the cheek.
“Hey, Applejack so when’s the wedding?” Pinkie joked, noticing the exchange.
“Well, we’ve only been datin’ for 4 months, ah’m not sure we’re ready for that!” Applejack blushed as answered her pink friend.
“So you ever thought of children?” Rainbow asked.
“Dash, we haven’t!!” Applejack nearly snapped her face filled with anger and resentment.
Why would Rainbow ask something like that.
“I was only asking!” Rainbow quietly shrunk down in her seat.
Applejack let out a heavy sigh. “Yeah well, we aren’t ready for that!”
After a long and awkward silence.
“I’m going to go to the crystal empire to see Flurry Heart. I’m so excited to see her again.” Twilight exclaimed, eating another cupcake.
“Are you?" Rainbow asked with an inquisitive expression.
"Yeah, I told you about it just last week!" Twilight replied, her eyes sparkling with excitement.
"Can I tag along too?" Stevie asked eagerly, his face filled with anticipation.
"Yeah, can we, can we, please?" Pinkie begged her eyes wide and pleading.
Twilight let out a heavy sigh. "I suppose we could all go."
"Yay!!" Stevie and Pinkie yelled in unison, their voices filled with uncontainable joy.
"It's settled then, tomorrow we go to the Crystal Empire," Twilight spoke her tone decisive and resolute.
Arriving at the train station, Stevie, Ray and the main six sat on the platform, waiting for the train to arrive.
“I’m so excited, ohhh, I can’t wait!” Twilight clapped her hooves together in excitement.
“Ah know.” Stevie nodded in understanding, he was happy that Twilight was happy.
“Can we come?” Three voices asked as three young mares, one with yellow a coat and a red bow in her hair, one with a white coat and purple and white mane, the third one was an orange Pegasus with a purple mane.
All three of their cutie marks were similar yet they somehow looked very different
“Apple Bloom, is that you?” Stevie asked the yellow mare.
“Yeah, and Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo!” Apple Bloom answered, motioning her friends.
Each of the three had a similar cutie mark, but yet it was somehow different, Apple Bloom’s cutie mark was a red apple being painted purple.
Sweetie Belle’s wasis a musical note and a microphone, indicating that her talent had to do something with music.
Scootaloo’s cutie mark was simply a red scooter.
“Well, it’s real nice to meet you!” Stevie greeted the other two.
“So can we come with you?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Yeah, sure!” Twilight nodded in approval as she walked over to them.
“Awesome!” Scootaloo pumped her hoof in the air as she jumped in excitement.
“Wow, you sure have grown-up!” Twilight said as admired she Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo.
The train arrived and the doors opened and ponies filed out of the train cars.
The main six, the CMC, Ray and Stevie boarded the train and sat down.
“So what are your plans, Twilight?” Stevie asked smiling at her.
“Not sure!” Twilight answered. “But I’m pretty excited to see my niece again!” She added.
Stevie rolled his eyes in annoyance, he already knew that she was excited to see her niece, he was just annoyed that she brought it up constantly, but he kept quiet as he did not want Twilight to be disappointed with him.
“I can’t wait until my coat is all shiny again!” Rarity excitedly grinned.
“That’s gonna be a first for me.” Ray acknowledged.
“Really?” Pinkie gushed. “I will show you everything you’re going to love it, the crystal ponies are so beautiful.”
“I’m sure!” Ray agreed with her, even though he had no idea what she was talking about.
Arriving in the Empire, Shining Armor and Cadence were waiting on a train platform.
When the train arrived, the ponies disembarked, the first ponies Twilight saw were her brother and her sister-in-law.
“Shining Armor, Cadence!” Twilight’s sparkled as she saw her brother and her sister-in-law.
“Twilight, we are so glad to see you! Cadence spoke excitedly, hugging Twilight.
“It is also very good to see you again, Cadence, I would like to see Flurry.” Twilight reciprocated the hug.
As they both pulled away, Cadence looked Twilight up and down, noting how tall she had gotten over the years.
“This way.” Shining Armor pointed them in the right direction as he and his wife lead the friends out of the train station.
After walking for a little while they reached the crystal castle, going inside, they went down a hallway, Stevie listened to his surroundings as he heard his footsteps on the crystal floor.
“This is incredible!” Ray whispered as they walked his hoof steps echoing off the walls around him.
“Agreed!” Stevie whispered back.
Arriving at a door entirely made of crystal, Shining Armor opened the door to reveal a young alicorn filly.
“Flurry Heart, I’m so glad to see you, come give your favorite aunt a hug!” Twilight beamed as she saw her niece.
The filly got up from her bed that she had been sitting on and ran to Twilight.
“Auntie Twilight, auntie Twilight, I’m so glad to see you!” Flurry excitedly rushed over to her aunt and hugged her tightly.
Then she turned to see Stevie and Ray standing in the doorway.
“Auntie, who are those ponies?” Flurry questioned pointing a hoof at Stevie and Ray.
“Those are my friends, they are famous musicians!” Twilight answered her niece.
“But why do they wear those funny glasses?” Flurry asked looking puzzled at the two ponies before her.
“Flurry Heart, be nice!” Her mother scolded with a stern look on her face.
“Don’t worry about it, well you see, our eyes do not work like yours do, so that’s why we need these glasses!” Stevie answered as he smiled.
“Oh, hope you get better soon!” Flurry wished them well.
“We can’t, it’s permanent!” Ray spoke with some hesitation in his voice.
“So, how old are you?” Applejack asked the filly as she knelt down to her.
“I am…..7!” Flurry shyly admitted.
“That’s nice!” Applejack spoke as she went back to Stevie’s side.
“Hey, Flurry, you remember the bear game we played when you were younger?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah, I do.” Flurry answered jumping up and down in excitement.
Twilight produced stuffed bears out of thin air, and gave one to her niece.
“You can’t catch me!” Twilight excitedly shouted as she ran with her bear in her magic around the room, followed by her niece, and joined by Fluttershy and Rainbow
“Tag, you’re it.” Flurry shouted as she chased Rainbow around the room.
“Nice try!” Rainbow snuggly commented.
Flurry‘s horn lit up as she teleported behind Twilight to tag her.
Twilight noticed her niece behind her and turned around and tapped her on the shoulder.
“Tag!” Twilight shouted in glee.
Flurry stopped running and tackled her aunt hugging her, Twilight reciprocated the hug.
“Hey!” Ray spoke from the doorway.
The young filly looked up to the stallion, and flew over to him.
“Yeah?” She questioned tilting her head to one side.
“Are you not a princess?” Ray asked coming down to her level.
“Yeah, but I am not of maturity to rule yet!” The filly admitted shyly.
Twilight, Rainbow and Fluttershy stopped running when they saw Flurry conversing with Ray.
“Flurry, why don’t we show our guests around.” Cadence spoke gently as she came over to where Flurry was sitting, intensely staring at Ray.
“Yes, mother!” Flurry said as she took Ray and Stevie’s hooves and was followed by Twilight out of the room.
Her parents were so proud of her, she had really become a princess even if she was not of maturity to rule yet.
“So, Stevie, we would like to get to know you and Ray a little more, how about dinner tonight?” Cadence asked, as she and the others walked down the hall together.
“Sure, we would love to, right Ray?” Stevie agreed as he turned his head in the direction of Cadence’s gentle voice.
“I wonder what the meal is going to be?” Stevie asked himself quietly as they walked along behind Cadence.
“I hope that it’s hey, because isn’t that what horses eat?” Ray chuckled softly under his breath.
As they kept walking, they reached the dining hall, Cadence opened the door with her magic.
Not bad! Now I gotta read the prequel.
11722478
Thank you so much
Your writing style is kinda basic.
11722514
I know.
what do you mean by
edit:
this group
Picked by the fands
11722910
That just means that you are allowed to make suggestions about the next chapter.
Okay: your characters and their characterizations are rather flat and uninteresting. If you're going to use actual people in your stories, it's best to study them and assign their personalities, other than the fact they're blind. This could be anyone who is blind, so there's nothing to make them stand out and make the reader believe they're seeing Stevie Wonder. What are his mannerisms, how does he speak, is he left or right-handed, does he have any quirks or idiosyncrasies that make him unique? I haven't read any of your other stories, so I don't know what his initial reaction to being in a completely different world was, but I do hope it was something other than, "Oh, wow...this is cool..."
Bypassing all the technical errors such as misused said tags, and improper capitalization of proper nouns, your writing is quite rushed. I can see your passion shining through your work, but it has to be tempered with progressing skill.
You're bringing your readers on a journey, and introducing them into a world you have created. Therefore the burden, or rather the FUN, is for you to fully flesh out that world with colors, sounds, smells, and experiences. You have them all standing in an opulent room. Great. What's in the room? You don't have to describe Every. Tiny. Little. Detail, but give your readers a sense that this room is different from a broom closet.
The same with your characters. Flesh them out, give them their personalities that make them interesting. The goal is to immerse your readers in your writing, and to make them feel as if they're part of the story.
Now, let's deal with the dialogue. It jumps about quite a bit, and doesn't seem to follow a set pattern. There's no natural flow to their conversations, it's just one witty barb followed by another, in what I'm guessing to be an attempt at humor. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but you have to let your readers in on the joke. Assume we have no clue what led up to the conversation, and SHOW, don't TELL, by the characters' actions and dialogue the natural path to the result you're aiming.
Again, don't rush it. Take your time to tell your tale, and you will see better and better results. NONE of this is going to happen overnight, but you WILL become a better writer.
Good luck!
11723251
Thank you, I’ll try and make it better
I don't have much time left tonight, so I'll just go over the first part for now.
{for context, I said I'd give feedback in a blog post}
Okay, so there's quite a bit going on here in this sentence. I would recommend breaking it up into multiple sentences, this is an example of "comma-splicing."
Pinkie Pie and her friends were at sugar cube corner. (I feel "other" is redundant in this context).
Twilight was talking about the second book in the series that she had been reading.
This sentence is quite vague. I know how hard it is to come up with something to fill in the blanks, but I would still suggest giving it a go, else its just: "Person A was doing that thing that they had been doing."
What sort of books might Twilight like? She likes books on magic and maybe magic history, but has also been shown to read fiction such as Daring Doo. I'd suggest choosing a book for her to have been talking about, else this sentence tells the reading nothing.
Rainbow Dash was trying to stay awake, this implies whatever book Twilight was talking about must have been boring for Rainbow Dash, likely not Daring Doo and more likely something technical.
"Twilight was discussing her new book on the magical properties of…"
Ray was listening to what Twilight was saying.
Could use an adverb here, how was he listening? With interest? With understanding? Distracted? Not understanding but still enjoying it? etc.
Also, since I haven't read the prequel story, I do not know about the character Ray.
Minor tense error: "finished"
The section above serves as an opener and sets the scene, but it could have been a little more interesting by including more details about what Twilight was saying, but coming up with something for that kind of thing is something I struggle with to. Because its the opening, it's not a good idea to let yourself get bogged down with trying to get this section perfect, but its something you might be able to go back to and edit once you're further into the chapter and more in the "writing zone" or something.
And Applejack is here too. Nothing major, but she wasn't introduced with the other characters at the start.
In the sentence here, Rainbow's name is used twice consecutively. Usually, it is a good idea to try to keep use of a character's name to a minimum, or as much as you can go without it getting confusing who's doing what.
"Applejack nudged Rainbow Dash in the ribs, causing her to wake with a start."
The dialogue could also be improved because its quite formal for someone who just woke up suddenly. I've seen "Wuzzat?" being used ("What's that?" but said hastily in reflex).
As above, try to reduce the number of times a name is used, and avoid using the same name consequtively.
"Applejack put hung her hoof around Stevies' neck and he kissed her on the cheek. The two had been dating for four months now."
Also, Stevie wasn't introduced into the scene and the first time he is mentioned is in the action of another character.
Might be missing a comma: "Pinkie jokes, noticing the exchange."
Nothing wrong with the dialogue, but is this the kind of thing that could cause a character to blush?
Sounds just like something Rainbow might say.
Maybe remove the second comma to make "…Dash, no we haven't" a little more snappy?
Anger and resentment seems a little strong here; especially resentment. Sure, snapping back is a reasonable reaction, but I doubt Applejack would truly resent her over it. Also, might the intrusive thoughts lead to a blush?
1: rhetorical question is still a question and needs a question mark.
2: I wouldn't suggest using these as they directly speak to the user and break immersion, unless it's another character's own thought.
This part's good.
Anyway, this comment is long enough and it's past my bed time. So that's all I'll comment on for now.
11723887
Thank you so much for your feedback, you don’t have to go through all of the story!
But I appreciate you helping me I will try and make it better when I can.