The Itemized List.
Duly Noted stared at the towering crystal tree, letting her eyes trail the long branches that hung above her.
The crooked crystal branches stretched across the sky, catching a few clouds in their long branches when they drifted by. Duly had seen a lot of interesting homes over her long career, from cloud castles to swamp shacks, but the tree in front of her was unlike anything she had ever seen before. But, considering her file, the odd new home was the least of her concerns.
Taking in a deep breath, Duly trotted up the staircase to the front door and knocked. It took about two minutes and another round of knocking for a small dragon to answer and invite her inside.
The hallways in the castle were surprisingly long and winding, and only rarely even. Some halls were large enough for entire carts, some were only big enough for two ponies, and some were even on slight inclines.
Duly bit her tongue as she trotted behind, keeping any complaints to herself as she readjusted her saddlebags. The thick binders in them constantly bumped her barrel, reminding her of the real reason for her visit. She could handle a long trot if it meant that she could get some answers from the new alicorn.
After another minute of trotting up a spiraling staircase, Duly was led to a small library by the dragon. “Twilight! Somepony is here about your insurance claim!” He yelled, causing the mare to poke her head out from behind one of the shelves.
“Oh? Really? It’s only been three months since I made that claim, I thought it would take longer,” the princess commented idly, placing her book back on the shelf before she trotted out with a hoof out to Duly. “Hi, I’m Twilight. It’s nice to meet you Miss…”
“Noted, Duly Noted,” she replied, accepting Twilight’s hoof with her own as the princess smiled.
“Nice to meet you Ms. Noted. Spike, can you get some more tea for her?”
“Oh, no, it’s fine, princess. If it’s alright with you, I’d like to get started on the task at hoof.”
“Okay, so when can I get an estimate on what can’t be replaced?”
“I’m not here for that, actually. We had a few… concerns about some of your claims that we wanted to verify.”
“Oh, what do you mean? I’m sure I provided the right paper work and proof of ownership for everything.”
“Yes,” she hesitantly agreed, bringing the thick binder up to her muzzle as she leafed through the pages. “You kept a fantastically meticulous record, and so far, we’ve been able to verify most of your purchases and possessions but… Well, we just want to make sure there aren’t any mistakes.”
“Okay, so what do you need to do?”
“We just need to ask you about some of the items listed and confirm that you wrote them down.”
“Oh, that’s easy enough. Alright, ask away,” the young alicorn said, leading Duly to a table where they could both sit down. Duly took her seat across from the princess, flipping to a section dedicated to Twilight’s long collection of books.
“Alright. Let’s start with this then. You listed all of your books, and one of them was, ‘A copy of Nightmare’s Moon’s Message’,” she observed, earning a nod from the purple princess.
“Yup, funny story about that, actually. It was actually in another library in Canterlot that ended up closing the next day. I was really lucky to get it.”
“Yes… And… do you know why it closed down?”
“Hmmm. No, not really,” the princess shrugged. “Why, is it important?”
“It is, because the Lyre Library in Caterlot actually sold illegal books. Nightmare Moon’s Message was banned seven hundred years ago.”
“What? Th-that can’t be right. I mean, Celestia recommended that Library to me.”
“Reaallly,” Duly Noted noted, jotting down the princess’ name as she moved on. “I’ll need to speak with her as well then. The next item I’d like to address is, ‘Supernaturals: Natural Remedies and Cure-Alls That are Simply Super.’ You had this book as well?”
“Yeah, it actually came with the library when I moved here. I was really surprised by all the helpful remedies inside. Did you know that there’s actually a treatment for BearBee stings?”
“Yes, but that book is also illegal. Celestia banned the distribution of that book seven hundred years ago,” Duly told her, causing the princess to scrunch up.
“But… but it has a cure for poison joke and so many other poisons!” The purple princess protested, earning a light nod from Duly.
“Yes, but some of those remedies require illegal plants, and several others can be used to make illicit substances.”
“Okay… I… I never knew that,” Twilight said, letting her hooves rest on the table as Duly moved on.
“Yes, well… I’m afraid these are the less concerning books. For example, you listed, and I quote, ‘A comic book that can suck creatures into the story,’” she read aloud, receiving a more hesitant nod from Twilight.
“Is… is that bad?”
“It’s… Illegal. Like, more illegal than Dark Magic, illegal,” Duly explained. “It’s a compressed reality spell that essentially lets a pony play Faust. Now, because of you we opened up an investigation into several comic shops and we were able to locate the distributor. They’re currently under investigation for a few other cursed comics that we were able to find.”
“Okay, so at least I could help you with that, right? I… there’s not a problem with me just owning these books, right?”
“If you were only a buyer, then perhaps. But, if I recall, you listed your occupation as a librarian on these claims, correct?”
“I uh… Yes? Yes, I was. And I can promise you that I didn’t lend out any of those books… E-except the Supernatural remedies, but it was only the one page.”
“I see… But, if I came to your library asking for a copy of Starswirl’s Seven Silent Spells.”
“Oh, that would be on the second shelf of the history section,” Twilight happily replied, unaware of the trap that Duly set for her.
“I see. Now, tell me, Ms. Sparkle, are you familiar with the ‘Want-it-need-it’ spell?”
“I uh… I might be.”
“And you’re aware that it can be found in the book I just asked you about? And that both the book and the spell in question are highly illegal?” Duly pressed, causing Twilight to shrink in her seat.
“I uh… W-well I’m sure we can both look through your binder and see if I maybe put down a few books I didn’t own.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. But, we still have another binder we need to go through after this one. You had a very meticulous list,” Duly Noted said, dropping the even thicker binder on the table as she flipped to the first page. “You know, I think I changed my mind about the tea. I believe we’re going to be here for quite a while.”
Princess Celestia looked at the long list of felonies that Duly presented her, each one accompanied by a massive fine for every illegal book or trinket Twilight owned.
“Duly, it’s… I’m impressed by how thorough you were in your investigation.”
“Of course, your majesty. I take my job very seriously.”
“As expected of a retired S.M.I.L.E. Agent. But, I’m sure we can overlook some of these issues.”
“We could, with the princess’ pardon that is.”
“Well of course I’ll pardon Twi—”
“Not you, ma’am,” Duly interrupted, pulling out a loose paper from her bags. “As stated by Equestrian law, should an alicorn commit a crime, their rights and privileges to the throne are revoked, unless pardoned by another princess.”
“Well, yes, and I’m about to pardon Twilight.”
“You could… If Luna wasn’t the reigning monarch right now.”
“Wh-what?!” Celestia suddenly gasped. “B-but I haven’t committed any crimes.”
“Well…” Duly trailed off, pulling out a binder as she sat down on the carpet. “There are a few things we’d like to ask you. Firstly, we have a missing ponies report for a ‘Sunset Shimmer’, and… Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but you told investigators that you had no idea where she was.”
Celestia sat silently as she stared down at Duly, before her eyes flicked over to the thick tome that the mare brought with her.
“… I’m in trouble, aren’t I?”
“Probably a lot, yeah,” she noted.
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"You could say that again" Luna, Discord and Cadence from the backroom probably
Huh?
This was absolutely Celestia tits burning marvelous ♡
👍
This is a masterpiece for everycreatures library
Luna be like:
"I should have hired a lawyer instead of going Nightmare Moon!"
And Duly Noted be like;
"About that..."
Luna:
"No way..."
Duly Noted:
"Did you know that Celestia forget to officially exile you?"
Luna:
"Em... Nooo?..."
Duly Noted:
"Apperently you are the 'Queen' now, until Celestia get out of the dungeon..."
Luna:
"Huh... Neat..."
Later~
*Duly Noted burns up in a green fire and Queen Chrysalis emerge*
Queen Chrysalis:
"I love it when a plan succeeded ~♤"
Pharynx:
"What now my Queen?"
Queen Chrysalis:
"We do what we try ever night!"
Thorax:
"Nibble on love and eat popcorn?"
Queen Chrysalis:
"Every second night with exception of Mondays."
Pharynx:
"Take over the world by snuggeling ponies?"
Queen Chrysalis:
"Exactly! Now we will sue ponykind into it and than let it go for favors like a date, snuggeling or even..."
*blushing deeply* "Hoove holding!"
*The holes Chrysalis swarm is blushing profusely*
Gave me a good laugh! Now i wonder how this will end for Celestia
11680732
Oh, is that the wrong mrs? I probably meant ms. Thanks for pointing it out!
what a snitch
11680750
To explain the difference: "Mrs" is specifically referring to a married woman, whereas "Ms" is if you're unsure or neutral of her marital status. "Miss" is for young unmarried women by comparison.
I'll just chuckle at this...
After all, bureaucrats are a sin against society. Plus, I agree with Shakespear (the REAL one) that all lawyers should be banished...
11680725
11680734
11680891
This.
This story is fucking impressive!
11680734
So is this comment!
Duly Noted stared at the towering crystal tree, letting her eyes trail the long branches that hug above her.
The crooked crystal branches stretched across the sky, catching a few clouds in their long branches when they drifted by. Duly had seen a lot of interesting homes over her long career, from cloud castles to swamp shacks, but the tree in fort of her was unlike anything she had ever seen before. But, considering her file, the odd new home was the least of her concerns.
Misses a couple of letters there. Hung and front
I thought I saw this sometime after that every episode aired, was it republished?
11680953
There were a few stories like this, one that comes to mind is an HOA story that I forget the name of. I just typed this one up this morning on a whim after checking through some writing prompts I had.
11680941
Thanks for pointing these out! It always surprises me when Word doesn't catch these issues.
11680960
Lol, makes sense.
This was great. I love stories that poke fun at little things like.
Also appreciated the Sunset Shimmer reference, best girl!
That's not an insurance investigator, that's a golpista taking her shot.
Also, what the hay happened seven hundred years ago? Are we talking about a legislative hangover from the not-so-brief reign of Dandelion the Abominable?
Now I'm picturing Equestria's law libraries as fragmented and liberally seeded with cognitohazard memetic land-mines. Old archives of statutes, codicils, and ukases that can literally warp and dominate an unwary law-reader, and turn them into agents of some lich-like legal agenda reaching from beyond the veil.
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Congratulations for getting featured ♡
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Thanks for the likes towards my comment ♡
camo.fimfiction.net/HGKOVNTrPh_dQIegq-4XQTTfq37sBPSPcGN3_7ZAMFg?url=https%3A%2F%2Fderpicdn.net%2Fimg%2Fview%2F2014%2F7%2F10%2F671941.gif
Don't fuck with the IRS
Oh dang, I did love how smoothly Twi handled the Want-It-Need-It question. n_n
11681111
Thanks! I really loved your little addition to the end. It's a really funny way to tie in Luna and to add that extra little plot twist that can fit in nearly.
I always love it when commenters are able to add on to the story with their own unique spins.
Seems like fun. I can see why it was made illegal, every foal around would want it.
11681028
Seconded.
To be fair, Celestia didn't lie per say about Sunset. In much the same way I can claim to know that a specific comet is somewhere in the universe, I might have well not know where it is at all. Sunset quite literally went into an entirely other universe
I feel like Luna would have committed some crimes too (serious jay walking), and Equestria would default to Cadence, but she counts as treason or something with forming her own kingdom -- plus Flurry Heart attempted genocide of crystal ponies, so it would default to Chrysalis since the statute of limitations passed since her invasion or something
Should throw the Cutie Mark Crusaders in prison too.
For knowingly using an illegal love potion.
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Tbh I can see this
Hoisted by her own petard.
Twilight withdrew her hoof awkwardly, disturbed at how this mare had apparently found her greeting worthy of getting noted for whatever she wanted.
Surprised it wasn't tax evasion that ultimately brought down Celestia.
Also the spell that blows up the target and banishes them to the mirror pool, a spell Twilight fired with near reckless abandon at what could have been one of her friends.
also part of the problem is less that Twilight has some of the books its more that the books are on display in a public library easily accessible to even children.
This desperately needs another chapter asap. Its honestly really good and funny.
Luna finally wins in the end, and what better way than by default?
Pfft. I love this.
Short, sweet, and ... cute.
11681621
The reigning monarch dosn't pay taxes D:<
lets be real, Twilight for all intents and purposes STOLE ownership of the public Library of Ponyville. Honestly how often was it REALLY used as a Library after she moved in? from what little we know of the inside of the place there was not much "Library" left after she moved in.
11682309
Pretty much implied it wasn't really used as proper library in the first place. Ponies never borrowed books! We only ever saw the Crusaders use it as an educational space in Twilight Time.
Wonder if dream walking and love spells are illegal too...?
This is actually perfect because it seems like the type of legal system a cartoon monarchy would have. Yes of course no one is above the law, but as long as my friends are cool with me breaking it, then no problem. And the drama is petty grievance, embarrassment, hubris and misunderstanding
I work in insurance, and I wouldn't need to dig into which books may or may not be illegal before denying the claim. The policies I work with all have exceptions for resultant loss from war and terrorism, of which Tirek's work is possibly both.
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I always found it a little odd that Twilight just moved into the library of all places. Did they ever give a reason for why she was even at the library at all before Nightmare Moon arrived? I remember Pikie Pie throwing a party there, but was Twilight invited to the Library for the party, or did Pinkie just know that Twilight would be there?
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"Starlight, you did a lot of bad things, not just to us but to a lot of ponies, but you said you were sorry so we'll pardon you."
11682563
Theoretically, being the only surviving member of the royal family of a place you completely destroyed does make you a foreign power.
Luna: if i knew i only need to have my sister audited, i saved a 1000 years on the moon, huzaah I'm in charge, send celestia to tartarous for her crimes
Lovely display of ne-ponyism here by Celestia!
Tisk tisk. Toollight's lack of common sense shines through again.
Best way to deal with uppity agents and pencil-pushers. Open a portal to an alternate universe behind them, kick uppity agent through, close portal. Anyone asks and you simply say "Nope, no idea where they went."
Silly ponies. Always having to do things the hard way.
11682345
"Ponyville Archive" doesn't have the same ring to it.
love this story
Looks like Twilight, BETTER YELL BELLE!
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I really like the idea of Sweetie Belle becoming a Better Call Saul parody.